23
Evie
The Hogwarts memorial was empty as usual when I walked in Saturday morning. Sunlight streamed through the stained glass windows and lit up the rows of paintings and benches. I wasn't really sure why I was there in the first place but it was warm and empty so I stayed.
I strolled down the long aisle, gazing at the stationary pictures that were almost surprising to look at. So normal that it wasn't normal. The lack of movement made them even more stunning and I wondered why this place wasn't always packed.
I decided to sit at the bench dedicated to Remus Lupin. Memories of his Defense Against the Dark Arts class sprang into my mind. We all knew that he was the best teacher we had ever had and although most of us didn't know him well, his loss impacted the entire year. We all knew that he was a dear friend, maybe even a parental figure to Harry Potter but that didn't mean that he was off limits to us.
I folded my legs underneath me and pulled my usual pencils from my hair. I never used to wear my hair up much less with writing utensils but lately I hadn't been doing anything that I used to. I ran my fingers through the straight golden strands and attempted to reevaluate my current situation.
I guess it all started with Ian. I was ashamed to associate my downfall with losing a boy but there was no other option. It was a proven fact that everything began with him. The worst of it all was that he didn't even realize it.
The summer before fifth year was the worst I could remember maybe because all the rest had been so outstanding before that. Cedric Diggory had just died and Ian was an absolute mess. I never saw him without red puffy eyes and a sorrowful look like he had lost a part of himself. I had never understood his obsession with the Hufflepuff but that summer I realized it went a lot deeper than I thought.
Ian never came out of his house. I used to be able to look into his window that was continently across from mine but that summer his shades were drawn and never open. His mom would come over a lot and drink tea with my mom while I hid on the stairs and tried to listen to what was going on but it was clear enough. He was in mourning.
So in those few months I lost my best friend. Sweet Ian who just wanted to be someone to look up to. Who mixed his Spanish and English like it was his own new language and told jokes as easily as he breathed. Ian who rarely stopped smiling became broken.
And with him I did too. I could feel the shift as months passed and I saw less and less of him. How I was angry all the time and felt like I was being pushed into the ground. It was like I was in an entirely new skin and who I used to be just wasn't there anymore. I didn't tell anyone because there was no one to tell. When school started I expected things to get better but they got worse.
By now you can guess what happened next. Ian became this new person that I didn't recognize and definitely didn't trust. He had this horrible fake smile that made me want to give him a hug yet people flocked to him. He became popular. He became Cedric. And with the old Ian, I left too.
I was the Evie who put pencils in her hair and didn't talk to anyone because who could ever replace her Ian? I was the Evie who agreed to documentaries because maybe just maybe she would be noticed. I was the Evie who knew that things weren't OK but was too afraid to fix it. I didn't even realize I needed fixing until it was impossible to ignore it any longer.
Lately it was like I was in a daze, just floating through space without a purpose. It was pathetic and I wanted to be myself again, I wanted to laugh and be happy but it seemed almost impossible. I didn't start coming alive again until the Potter Generation. I didn't know why I said yes, I hated socializing or any sort of attention but I was pulled to idea. No one knew what people like me went through and they should.
The past few months had been odd. With the documentary and with Ian suddenly talking to me again I didn't know what to with myself. I was constantly flip flopping between emotions but i took it as a good sign. I needed a change.
I wished I could stay in that room forever. It was so quiet and beautiful and I just wanted to sit on that bench forever. Sometimes there are moments you just never want to leave. This was one of those.
But I knew eventually I would have to get up and this time I wasn't going to pretend that things were going good. I wasn't going to be blind. I was going to move on, for real this time. I didn't want to be sad anymore.
When I left the memorial I stood up straighter and held myself head a little higher. This could only last a day or maybe my whole life I wasn't sure. All I knew was that things were going to change for me. They had to.