24
Olivia
The first Hogsmeade trip arrived in no time at all and it was an understatement to say that the students of Hogwarts were thrilled. They could feel the snow in the air just waiting to start falling and they could taste the butter beer, warm and sweet. The morning of left the castle in a bustle.
A soft knock came unexpectedly an hour before it was time to leave. My dormitory was empty as usual and I was wondering if that was a good or a bad thing. It all depended on who was at the door.
I cracked open the door and was surprised to see a grinning Draco, wrapped up in a scarf and thick wool coat. He even had a knit hat on top of his head and it was so adorable I started to laugh as soon as I saw him.
"Hi." I smiled, still processing the fact that a happy Draco Malfoy was standing at my door.
"Do you know what today is?" He asked in reply, bouncing on the balls of his feet.
"Hmm..." I tapped my chin in fake thought. "I have no idea, what's today?"
"It's Hogsmeade day of course!" Draco exclaimed, his grin widening even more. "And although past years haven't been the best, I've decided that today is going to be a good day. And you're going to have a good day with me."
"Really?" I didn't mean to sound shocked but it was unbelievably unexpected. Draco had been his usual calm self lately, never happy but not showing how sad he really was so I wasn't expecting him to totally turn around his attitude. It was like he was totally new person.
"Yes really." He gave me a knowing smile. "Now are you ready or not?"
"Ok ok I'm coming." I laughed, grabbing a scarf and buttoning up my coat before following Draco out the door. The common room was pretty empty with only a few people milling around but unlike usual Draco didn't look at them or put his head down. He marched straight, glancing back at me every few seconds with a wide grin on his face. It was like walking through a parallel universe.
Upstairs the castle was buzzing with people wrapped up in all kinds of layers to fend off the late November air and everyone had their permission slips in hand. The line to get out seemed like it was a mile long but we stepped in at the back. Draco looked down at me with a gleam in his eyes and I couldn't help but smile back. It was unlike all the other times I had smiled at him, like I was trying to get him to do something or feel something. But the smile I gave him in line was real. Two smiles exchanged by two people, one of who 'so hearts was beating so fast in her chest she thought she have a heart attack. I recalled the conversation I had had with Wes awhile back and I didn't want to believe that I had a crush on Draco but it seemed inevitable.
I had to reevaluate my options. I watched Draco out of the corner of my eye as he craned his neck to see above the people in front of us. He was tall. A lot taller than I had thought. Suddenly looking up at him felt personal and not just a necessity. Then there was his face. I remembered first seeing him in first year and thinking he sort of resembled a rat with his pointy nose, lips curled in disgust, and slicked back hair. But now looking at him it was the total opposite. His blonde hair was loose and a bit long and looked super soft which I tried to erase from my mind but failed. His cheeks were pink from the cold air wafting into the entrance hall and his gray eyes were curious and analyzing, always flitting around to the next thing. He was almost beautiful in a broken way. Pale and smooth like a sculpture but also human. Maybe too human.
From the outside Draco Malfoy seemed perfect. But the whole problem was with Draco the only thing that mattered was the inside. He was constantly at war with himself and he couldn't see the good in himself. Not to mention his past and all the horrible decisions he had made. I'd said that I forgave him and I had but sometimes it was scary to think that this sweet boy had a dark mark on his arm. It was a parallel of all the nightmares I had had lately and it sent shivers down my spine.
But I could see hope in him too. He wants to get better and be different. He wanted to be all the things that he couldn't be when he was younger. It was impossible to go back but it wasn't impossible to change right? For so long I had been giving him support and encouragement when all along I was never really sure it would work and I almost felt like a fraud. Why was I even doing this anyway? Why was I helping him? Maybe I had always seen the potential in him. For goodness? For love? I wasn't sure and I felt like if I figured it out I wouldn't like the answer.
"Why are you staring at me?" Draco asked, still smiling but something dark lurking in his eyes. I started to wonder if this was all some big act and on the inside he actually felt the same but I realized that maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing. It was impossible to be happy overnight.
"I'm not staring at you." I said, looking straight ahead to where Filch stood looking over permission slips. I could feel my cheeks burning and had to bite my lip to keep from smiling nervously. I thought I was being sly but apparently not.
"You're very good at being secretive." Draco commented with a smile. "Or lying for that matter."
"Oh shut up."
The village of Hogsmeade was full of students when we finally arrived. The air was bitter cold so we had over scarfs pulled over our faces and hats tucked over our ears. There wasn't much conversation but somehow it wasn't weird. Just having Draco beside me was enough to feel good.
We walked aimlessly, not knowing where to go and ended up in the clearing that overlooked the Shrieking Shack. It was completely deserted which would have been creepy but felt almost calming. I hadn't seen Draco look nervously around yet but I knew he was relieved to be alone. Alone. That's what we were.
I glanced up at him and was surprised to find him already looking back. For once he didn't have that goofy smile on his face but he didn't look sad either. Just calm. I tried to think of something to say but my mind felt blank. I was never any good at talking anyway but I felt like something should be said. If no one said anything then something had to happen and I was afraid of what that something might be.
"I don't want to kiss you." I whispered without even realizing that I was talking. His serene face split into a nervous smile that was the most real thing I had seen all day. All the others had been staged and over exaggerated but that one... Not even he was expecting it.
"Ok?" He laughed softly, not breaking eye contact.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that, I do want to kiss you but-" I shook my head. "I don't want to kiss you because that would make things weird with us and I'm not even sure I like you except I obviously do but I don't want to admit it and I want to kiss you so bad." I took a deep breath. "Jesus Christ I'm such a loser."
Before he could say anything I turned around and started walking back the way we came, pressing my hands to my too hot cheeks and trying to pretend that I hadn't just confessed my love to Draco Malfoy. I wanted to start throwing up or crying or something but it was impossible. I was in a state of shock.
"Olivia." Draco called, a laugh in his voice that was covering up his concern. I heard his footsteps coming up behind me and then he was grabbing my wrist and gently pulling me to face him. I didn't want to look at him so I kept my head down but his other hand was already there, lifting my chin up.
"Your hands are cold." I said in a shaky mumble. My eyes were stinging and my face was hot and my coat felt like to much and I just wanted to sit down and never get back up.
"Did you mean that? What you said?" He didn't ask like I would expect a boy to ask. He didn't sound eager or excited about the fact. Draco asked it like he was asking about the answer to a homework problem. Rational. Straight forward.
"I don't want to talk about it." I shook my head but didn't move away. I didn't know what to do.
"How about we play a game? We both ask yes or no questions and we have to answer no exceptions. I'll go first. Do you like me, yes or no?"
"Yes. Are you actually happy, yes or no?"
"No. Are you ashamed of liking me?"
"God no. Do you still want to be my friend?"
"Maybe more if that's OK with you."
"You barely know me."
"You barely know me."
The hand that had been holding my wrist loosened and intertwined with mine. Neither of us spoke, the sounds of the village nearby the only sign that we were near any sort of civilization. Our breath clouded in the air between us and I wondered how we had even gotten here. A few months ago I had only ever made eye contact with Draco Malfoy and now here I was standing in the middle of forest staring into his eyes. Things were changing fast and I didn't know how to feel.
"Do you wanna get some butter beer?" Draco asked, his voice just a whisper.
"Yes please." I replied with a sigh. With linked hands we walked back into the village, thought streaming through our heads like crazy but neither of us saying a thing. Sometimes there was too much going on for anything to be said. You have to take it one step at a time. That meant some warmth and butter beer was in order.