26

Ian

The castle was quiet as I strolled through the empty corridors at 11 at night. It wasn't terribly late and curfew wasn't really enacted as much anymore yet there was no one around. Being out of bed at night used to scare me when I was younger. The thought of the ghosts that roam the castle and Filch who never seemed to sleep terrified me. Not to mention, the silence.

The silence of Hogwarts was unlike anything I had ever known. It wasn't like at home where I could hear snoring from my parents room or the grandfather clock constantly ticking in hallway. I couldn't hear lone cars driving past or police sirens in the distance. At Hogwarts, the silence was deafening. It was unnatural and made me feel like I was drowning in my own thoughts.

I used to hate that. I never liked my own thoughts, they were too loud and were everywhere at once, never ceasing. I was embarrassed of myself. Back then all I wanted was to be different. Like Cedric. Now all I wanted was to be myself again.

The quiet felt good now. Refreshing. I had found myself being alone much more lately and I loved every moment. Sometimes I wouldn't even realize I was alone until I found myself walking away from my friends without explanation. Coming up with excuses felt like too much so I just didn't give them.

I tried to remember where I was as I walked but the staircases and hallways blurred together. It was easy to forget how huge the castle was until you were horribly lost and had no way of knowing how to get back. I wasn't worried though and I couldn't tell why.

I turned a corner and was surprised to see someone about halfway down the corridor, sitting up against the wall. As I walked closer I could see blonde hair in the dark and suddenly wanted to turn right around. But once Evie looked up at me I had no choice but to sit down beside her.

"Just the person I didn't want to see." Evie said, keeping her eyes straight ahead into the darkness across the hall. "I've been doing pretty good avoiding you lately."

"Sorry to ruin that for you." I replied, almost enjoying the fact that she wasn't happy to see me unlike everyone else I talked to.

"Eh it's alright. I'll have to deal with you eventually." She shrugged. "Your mom sent me a letter a couple weeks ago. On your birthday I think. She was helping my mom figure out how to use the owls after all these years." She laughed. "She really misses me apparently."

"She asks about you constantly." I said hesitantly, wondering if it was a good idea to be bringing up how we haven't talked in the past couple years. "She always wants to know why we don't talk anymore."

"That's the million dollar question." She finally turned to me then and she looked different somehow. She didn't have that guarded look like she was holding in a thousand different things at once. Her blue eyes pored into mine, raw and unprotected. It was like all the weight she had so obviously been holding was gone.

"I miss you." I whispered. I was confessing it to myself as much as to her.

The hush that fell between us was thick and unbearable. I wished I could say that I wanted to take it back or I didn't mean it but I did. I missed Evie as much as I missed being myself or living my old life. Evie was a reminder of what I gave up and what I lost and how much I wanted it all back.

"You're not allowed to do that." She muttered, shaking her head. "You're not allowed to leave me for three years and come back when I'm finally OK again."

I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything. There was so much sadness in Evie's face I couldn't stand to look at her but I forced myself to. I deserved this.

"You have no idea what you did to me, Ian." She raked her hands through her hair. "That whole summer I was just expecting you to show up like normal but you never did. The next time I saw you you were just fine, hanging out with people that we used to make fun of. People that didn't care about you.

"I've spent the last three years trying to move on and it's pathetic. It was like everything inside of me was gone and I was empty. I'm just starting to be myself again and now you think it's OK to sit down next to me and tell me you miss me like you haven't been breaking my heart all this time."

Evie took a shaky breath and pressed her forehead onto her knees. I rubbed my eyes furiously and pulled at my hair. We must've looked insane, sitting in the dark on the verge of breakdowns. It was something neither of us had seen coming when we were 11 year olds going off to magic school.

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. And I know it doesn't bring back what I took from you or make anything better but I am so sorry for what I did. I want to be better I- I just don't know how."

"It's not as hard as you think." Evie replied, her voice cold. I looked up at her but she was staring back at the shadows across the corridor. "Leave. Please."

I didn't argue because I had no right to. I stood and started walking back the way I came. I didn't bother fixing my rumpled clothes or flattening down my hair. I didn't worry about how red my eyes must be or how I was shaking uncontrollably. The only thing I cared about was how I ruined everything I came into contact with. And the thing I missed most wasn't going to come back.

I returned to the empty Hufflepuff common room and didn't bother going to my dorm. I picked an armchair in front of the still burning fire and tried to figure out how to go back. I didn't need a time turner or something magical like that. Maybe just some new rules.