Chapter 37: GoodBye
What I was doing was rediculous. And the whole world knew it.
Not three hours ago had I ended up kissing Roy. Not three hours ago had I made one of the biggest and, sad to say, best mistakes of my life. And somehow, my actions and Roy's words, made my brain less confused. It stopped the constant crazy spinning of emotions and feelings and nightmares and dreams that had been flooding my mind for that last week. My head was clearer. And I could see the end of the tunnel. And it wasn't a good one.
The room was pitch black and completely silent. Being alone in a dark room made me feel even again, as if I could control myself, like I was at peace with myself. Though I was less confused, and my mind had stopped spinning, my heart and mind still hadn't agreed. Not yet. Not with the memories and the images and the feelings I had flooding back to me viciously. It was a sensation of a horror. If anyone could ever understand that.
I slid out of bed, feelings my way around as my hands searched for that chair, that stupid chair that held everything I had been wearing when I first ended up at the cottage-looking house. The clothes were washed and laid down nicely, which reminded me of the embarrassing incident when the old woman who owned the house had literally given me a bath. Like I was a baby.
I shuttered at the rememberence, embarrassed and slightly nervous to face her again. But I shook it off and shimmied out of the dress I had borrowed and back into the formal black dress. I thanked God that the dress covered the bandage, which to my advantage, was ten times lighter and thinner than the bandage I had in the forest. And the cut was ten times less painful. I could barely feel anything but small prickles beneath the bandage when I walked.
I went downstairs and immediately regretted not dying as I saw the old woman on the couch, asleep and breathing, thank God. I sighed.
"Miss Italia?" I asked, placing a hand on her shoulder hoping to not give her a heart attack. She woke up almost immediately.
"What's wrong dear?" She asked me, worry lacing every word.
"I...I have to go." I said. She sat up.
"What do you mean? What about your boyfriend?" The statement made me uneven, but I left it. There was no point in arguing about something that even I didn't know was true or false.
"I have to go. And I can't take him with me. It's for his own good. The last thing I need is for him to follow me to the damned place and mess this whole thing up."
"Is it a drug cartel?" She asked, eyes wide. I smiled.
"I wish." I frowned. "I also need your help, though."
"Anything dear. Anything."
"I need you to keep this conversation between us totally private. You can't tell anyone. Especially the guy who I came with. Okay?" She nodded. "I also need directions. To Star City. ASAP."
"I can do that. I have a bunch of maps. I go to the U.S. all the time. It's kinda like a hobby for me. I'm so close to the border, so..." She got up and moved around, searching and finding her huge stack of maps. "Northern California, right?"
"Uh, yeah..."
She handed me two maps and I took them, smiling back to the old woman. "Thank you." I mumbled.
"No need. It's my job after all to save people's lives." She smiled like it was a joke.
"If only there was a way to repay you for everything you've done for me."
"Find happiness. You find happiness, and everything changes. Your world becomes one. Then I'll know that I did something right."
"Unfortunately, I can't make any promises. It's complicated. Too complicated."
"Then at least give the boy a little hope. He's obviously in love with you. When you first arrived, he wouldn't leave your bedside once. Not even to go eat. After you woke up a couple times, I literally had to drag him out to eat something. And last night, after he left your room, you should've seen the smile on his face. If I can't tell him where you're going, then at least write him a note." She held out a pen and paper, smiling with kind eyes. I took the pen and paper.
"He really did that?" I asked. My mind was spinning again. Though Roy had spilled out his heart the night before, I was still surprised by Italia's words. She smiled and nodded.
"He was worried as hell. At times I feared that he, himself, was going to die. He didn't sleep. He didn't eat. It was hell trying to get him out of your room." I couldn't help but smile. Roy was different. Different than every other guy I had had feelings for in the past. Nicer. Kinder. Caring. Patrick.
I walked to the counter and placed the tip of the pen on the paper. I sighed.
Roy,
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
This isn't what I want, but it has to be done. I have to pay for my sins.
You don't understand, and I know that. And to be honest, it's relieving that you don't, that you haven't made the mistakes that I have and feel the need to punish yourself because of them.
There's more to this than you see.
It's all behind the curtains; beneath the floor where everything is invisble. You can't see it, but I can imagine.
The people behind this will stop at nothing. They want me dead. They want me killed. They want to get revenge on the person who ruined their lives. They have a reason. And its a good one.
There is little time to explain, to tell you how and why and what. But in short terms, I'm wanted dead. By none other than the devil himself. And I'm not talking about Klarion.
Be glad that you don't understand, that you don't know what I've done or what I'm in for. Be glad that your not a part of this war I have unknowingly endulged in. Be glad that this isn't you taking the fall.
I have no other way out of this. Running doesn't help. Hiding doesn't either. Everywhere I go I could be killed. I could be captured, tortured. So for once, I'll take the easy way out. Save everyone the trouble.
Save you from discrimination. Save Dinah and Oliver from the constant angry mob's, or at least what would be left of them. Save the Team from getting any more attatched to something as disasterous and deady as myself. Save the world from more pain.
I know you don't like this. I knw you hate the people that have done it. But you can't be a part in this. Not now. Not ever. This is my fight. And I'll do anything to stop you from interfiering. I don't mean to sound harsh or mean, but this is your warning. I will stop at nothing to protect you from an unwanted fate. So save me the trouble. Don't.
Whatever you're planning, kill it. There's no need to try to stop what I'm doing. There's no need to try to stop this from happening. It's running right now.
So forgive me. Forgive me for hurting you. For breaking the hope I could see inside of you. For throwing water on the flame that we had. But I had my intentions.
This is a fairwell. A goodbye. The ending to something that could never happen. Something that could never have a happy ending. I'm so sorry.
- Sarah
I had so much more to say. So much more to write down, but not enough time. I didn't have enough time. I didn't have enough paper. I didn't have enough courage. Enough courage to say the three simple words my heart had been screaming.
I forced myself to set down the pen. Tears stung my eyes like never before, and my heart ached desperately. My breath was shaky, but I managed to give the letter to Italia. She smile, half-heartedly.
"Don't worry. I'll give it to him in the morning." She said. I swallowed and thanked her, clutching the maps like they were going to fly away at any moment. I said my goodbye's. All of them. And now I had one more thing to do. Confess every damn thing to the judge, jury, and the people of the world."