Disclaimer: I still don't own AoS. End of story. Moving on. I don't own any of the movies that have had Black Widow. Or we'd have a Black Widow movie instead of a third Cap movie.

Note: Unlike some people, I don't condemn Skye (at least, not very severely) for the 'run faster' comment or think it was out of character for her. I think if we look at the place her head was at the moment, the comment makes perfect sense – I still think it was wrong, and she deserves to be called out and shamed for it, but seriously, try putting yourself in Skye's shoes. Of course you'd want to hurt Ward as much as he'd hurt you. Might you not say those words? Possibly. But you'd have found another possibility. You're human, not some perfect Avatar of Justice. That's Tyrael. Skye is human – she's flawed. She said something terrible, and the writing should have shown that, but she's still Skye, and it doesn't mean she's a terrible, terrible person.

Romanoff, on the other hand, doesn't have any particular reason to care – she doesn't know Skye, doesn't know what happened with the same detail, isn't in Skye's head, doesn't understand all the details we the viewer understands.

Thanks to Colormeblue/Riley Holden for beta-reading this chapter.

Ledger Dripping Red

By Alkeni

Chapter 4: Take Him

The Playground

October 4th, 2014

Unlike the previous time she'd visited the Playground, Romanoff didn't bother with stealth. She just walked right through the halls of the base. She went straight for Coulson's office – but she didn't manage it without running into someone.

"Agent Romanoff," Billy Koenig started, trying – and failing – to keep up with her quick pace. "What an unexpected pleasure; I didn't know you were coming."

"You didn't know I've already been here." Romanoff pointed out. "And no, I don't need a lanyard."

"Agent Romanoff, everyonehas to have a lanyard – even Fury would, if he came here." Romanoff resisted the urge to roll her eyes at Koenig's words. Instead, while still moving she looked at him and spoke in perfect deadpan.

"And if Fury did show up and said he didn't need a lanyard, would you force the issue?"

Koenig blinked. "Ahm... well... I mean-"

"Exactly. I'm not going to be here for all that long, and I don't intend to come back on a regular basis." Romanoff picked up her pace, soon turning into what seemed to be some sort of central lounge. Completely unable to keep up with her stride, Koenig fell behind, sputtering a little at her complete refusal to get a lanyard.

There was only one person in the lounge. Romanoff recognized her immediately. The hacker – Skye. Romanoff had no intention of talking to the girl; there was no point in trying to convince her of anything. Given her conduct in that interview with Grant, she'd clearly made up her mind, whatever Grant had felt had felt for her – and maybe still did.

Grant wanted his team's forgiveness, even if, as he said, he didn't think he deserved it. Romanoff couldn't really speak to that, because forgiveness was never something one deserved, or earned. It just happened. But it was something she knew she'd have to make sure Grant got clearly – trying to wipe the red from his ledger wasn't going to be about earning some sort of...repair to his relationship with his former team, his former friends. And not with Skye either.

Grant would hold onto that hope, but he couldn't use it as an expectation. Wiping the red from his ledger, earning some measure of redemption was about himself – being able to, look at himself in the mirror. It was about trying to balance the books on a the macro-scale, not with any one person or group. He had to be prepared to never get forgiveness.

Once, just once, Romanoff had come face to face with the family of one of her pre-S.H.I.E.L.D. victims after joining the agency. The man's widow had tried to kill her. And she'd cared not one bit for Romanoff being on 'the right side' now.

Natasha Romanoff hadn't expected forgiveness then, or even thought it was likely, but a part of her had wanted some sort of...

Well, something other than the hate she'd gotten, however justified it was. But that experience had driven home to her what she'd already understood. As much as she doubted Grant wanted to hear it, it was a truth she'd have to make sure he understood.

Your victims are under no obligation to forgive you, no matter how much you do to make up for what you've done. Even if you do make up for what you've done.

It was something Barton had taught her in those early days after he made that different call.

All these thoughts went through Romanoff's head fairly quickly as she walked across the lounge.

Why she had no interest in talking to Skye, neither did she make any effort to avoid being noticed. She hadn't really expected what happened next:

The hacker had looked up, noticed her and Romanoff saw a look of recognition in the woman's eyes. Skye was in her feet and approaching Romanoff quickly.

"You're- you're Agent Romanoff," Skye said, her voice carrying a note of disbelief. "Oh my god, the Black Widow is on the base!" Romanoff resisted the urge to snap at the girl – and there was no other word for her, given the way she'd essentially squealed in delight as she'd said that - for using the nickname. Much like with May and 'The Cavalry', everyone used it. Romanoff wasn't as bothered by it as much as May was by the Cavalry, but she still didn't like the nickname.

After that momentary childishness, the girl managed to return to a more professional tone and demeanor; "Sorry. I just- I just didn't expect to see one of the Avengers here. I mean, Coulson told me about how you're all supposed to think he was dead – though clearly you don't or you wouldn't be here." Skye paused and looked at her, "Why are you here then, if it's alright for me to ask. And – I'm Skye."

Romanoff wasn't terribly surprised that the girl was a fan. She'd talked to Hill about Skye after watching the interrogation room videos and the newly minted Stark Industries executive had filled in a few blanks – including an abbreviated version of how Coulson and his shiny new team had met Skye while investigating an unregistered gifted who the hacker had gotten to first. The girl was apparently something of a fan of superheroes, which Romanoff, after the Battle of New York, technically qualified as. The girl, while she'd managed to get control of herself, was clearly a little star struck. Under any other circumstances, she might almost find it vaguely amusing. Most Agents had been too afraid of her to actually be 'star-struck' around her, back before the Fall. As it was, Romanoff was not amused.

"I have some business with Coulson," she said flatly. "And I did already know your name."

"You know – Really?" From the girl's tone and expression, Romanoff could guess what was going through Skye's head: Oh my god the Black Widow knows my name! Or something to that effect anyway.

"I do. I even saw some interesting footage of you recently. Do the words 'you should have run faster' sound familiar?" Romanoff didn't even have to make any special effort to make those words come out venomously; they'd done that all on her own. Romanoff understood that there was probably more to it than just sheer hate – there usually was – but she also didn't care that much. She cared about Grant, and giving him a shot at a second chance. Skye didn't really matter in that equation, and certainly not her tender feelings.

Romanoff watched the agent's face fall for a moment, but soon enough she donned an expression that would not have been out of face on post-Bahrain May. Bland, emotionless, nonreactive.

"You're the reason the cameras went out in Ward's cell for a bit a few days ago."

Romanoff nodded. "And you're the one who told a man who had just tried to kill himself three times that he should have tried harder." Without another word, Romanoff continued past Skye and towards Coulson's office. She was done with the girl.

Lounge, the Playground

October 4th, 2014

Skye watched Agent Natasha Romanoff walk away towards Couson's office. Ward. She was here about Ward. Everything had been about Ward the last several days. She couldn't get away from it. From him. First she'd gone into interrogate him. Then there'd been Coulson's request for his life story, and all the time that she'd spent digging through the dark corners of the internet to assemble what she could of that life story. And now the Black Widow was here, and it turned out she was the one who probably started her down that whole godawful forced death march down memory lane. Which wasn't giving her the warm and fuzzies towards Agent Romanoff.

And the woman had brought up something Skye wanted to think about even less than Ward himself. The whole damn thing had re-opened wounds, poured lemon juice on them, and then rubbed in some salt for good measure.

Ward didn't really want to die. It wasn't a genuine attempt. If he really wanted to die, he could have pulled it off.

That's what she'd been telling herself ever since those hateful words had spilled from her mouth unbidden in that cell. She'd been – so angry. Angry at Coulson, for sending her down there. Angry at Ward (even more) for refusing to share his intel with anyone else but her. And she'd hurt – for months she'd tried and failed, constantly, to not think about what Ward had done – to S.H.I.E.L.D., to Hand and Koenig and god knew who else, to the Team, to FitzSimmons... to her...

It still hurt. It still hurt that the guy, the 'Agent Grant Ward' she'd started to fall in love with had been a lie. Not just any lie – but a lie to cover up a murdering Nazi bastard traitor. And to make things worse, his 'feelings' had all been a lie. He hadn't felt anything for her. Skye refused to believe that he had. He'd just led her on, to make her trust him even more. But she couldn't trust him, shouldn't have trusted him, as it turned out. Because of what he was, what he'd done, what he (at that point) was going to do...

He didn't feel anything for me. He can't, he's evil.

And that -

That was the thing that had been the worst for her, all this time, the thing she'd agonized over for so long -

She refused to accept it, to accept that Ward felt anything for her. Because it made everything easier. Not easy – nothing had been easy since she'd found Koenig's body in that storage room.

She'd gone from the world making sense, a world in which her close knit family had grown closer than ever, and she was finally starting to get somewhere with a guy she'd fallen for – a great guy, in every measure to the-

The entire world had shattering around her. And it still hurt. And she wanted Ward to hurt. She wanted him to hurt – so that he would know that he couldn't manipulate her. She wanted him to know that holding out on giving his info just so he could see her and try to win her over to his side or to get her sympathy wasn't going to work. She wanted to never have to go down there to see him again so she could go back to trying – desperately - to pretend that Ward didn't exist. Skye wanted to imagine that her S.O. had just died when S.H.I.E.L.D. fell, rather than proving to be... everything that he really was.

She wanted to – feel something other than hurt and anger and emptiness as her baseline. Those three were the constants for her now.

She wanted to make Ward hurt so that she could hurt less. She wanted to make Ward hurt so he would leave her alone, and-

And, a little voice added, if he really does have some sick, twisted, evil feelings for me, then he needs to know that I don't share them. That he doesn't matter to me.

That I don't love him anymore.

If only things were that simple.

Coulson's Office, The Playground

October 4th, 2014

Coulson was at his desk when Romanoff walked into his office unannounced.

"You can have him," Coulson said before Romanoff could go off on what was going to be an explosive rage. Explosive for her anyway.

"Grant is-" Romanoff started, beginning to raise her voice when she went silent, did a double take then: "I can?" That's a rather rapid change. Did he actually look into Grant? When they'd last spoken about Ward, he'd been completely inflexible on the idea of Romanoff taking him, of giving him some kind of second chance.

"You were right. I usually do dig deeper, and this time I didn't,." Coulson replied. He placed his hand on the file Skye had assembled. "You found more than I did, but what I've found..." Coulson let out a sigh, "I'm not entirely sure I agree with you. But it raised questions I'd rather it hadn't, and things aren't as simple as they were before I read this." Coulson took in a breath and stood up, walking to the window and looking out of it. "And you were right a second time: we're not the people who should be holding him and making these sort of judgments. I don't know if you're the person for it either, but the options aren't exactly many and varied these days, are they?"

Romanoff nodded. "You can thank your hero Rogers for that." As much as she'd hated to, she had agreed with Rogers that bringing down S.H.I.E.L.D was the only way to stop Pierce that late in the game. But it didn't change the fact that destroying S.H.I.E.L.D. so completely, turning it into Public Enemy Number One had costs, costs that Romanoff knew only made the remnants of the Agency's job harder. It had made her life harder just from having to be there for congressional hearings, let alone all the other problems that had come out of it.

So...she had mixed feelings on it. S.H.I.E.L.D. may have been completely corrupted by Hydra – and she wasn't sure she'd go that far – but it had been a good agency that had done a lot of good for the world. And...

Well, it had been the agency to give her a second chance. Yes, Clint had been the one to make that different call, but Coulson had backed him, and in the end, even Fury had conceded the point. Still, at the end of the day, Cap had had a point, and she'd supported him. It was spilled vodka.

"If he ever finds out I'm alive, I'm considering discussing the matter with him," Coulson said softly, turning away from the window and back to her. "But to the matter at hand: I don't know if you're right about Ward. I don't know if what you think you've found in his background really means what you think it means. But the possibility won't leave me alone. But I don't trust him, and I don't entirely believe that you're right about him. You might be, you might not." Coulson went silent.

Romanoff was about to reply, but from the look on Coulson's face, she guessed he had more to say. And she was proved right a minute later.

"So he's your problem now. Even at his best, Ward could never beat you in a fight. I may not be able to trust him, but I can trust you with custody of him. So you can have him." He's a human being, not just some malfunctioning object you can hand off. But that wasn't really what Coulson was saying. "But," he held up a hand, "there will be conditions."

Romanoff narrowed her eyes a little, but she wasn't surprised. The question was what conditions would Coulson set? That would tell her if the man really had gotten some perspective.

"The whole reason we kept him here on base was to get Hydra Intel from him. If I let you have him, I expect you to get the Intel from him instead." Coulson went back to his desk and sat down. Romanoff didn't accept his gesture to sit down across from him, standing in the office, hands clasped behind her back.

"Acceptable." She'd already planned on it.

"I want a tracking chip – top of the line, the best the agency had before the fall – in him. Not some anklet or bracelet he can thwart if he's determined enough, but something he'd have to cut into his own back to get out."

"He's not a dog you can just tag." Romanoff pointed out.

Coulson nodded, "No, he's not. But he is a very dangerous man who may or may not be worth saving. Even when Barton took you in and convinced the rest of us to give you a chance, you were monitored in a similar way for two years, even when we sent you out into the field." Romanoff hadn't liked it then, and wasn't fond of it now – but...

"As long as it is just for tracking him."

"S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn't have a kill-switch implant." Coulson replied, as if saying something he'd said many times. "And I wouldn't use one even if we did. There are lines."

"I suppose there are. You never did torture Grant." Romanoff admitted.

"No. I didn't," Coulson looked at his desk, "although the idea got very appealing at times. But I suppose I wouldn't be human if I didn't sometimes prefer a more visceral punishment for people. But I never gave the order, and I never let May do it to him either." He looked back at her, "third condition: I want regular updates on his progress."

"Fine." Romanoff paused. "There's a condition coming that you know I won't like. Spit it out."

"Two of them actually," Coulson answered. "The first one – wherever you decide to set up shop with him, I want him confined to a two mile radius from there."

"So you want to take him out of one cage and stick him in a bigger one? This is about more than getting Grant out of that hole you've stuck him into. This is about wiping the red from his ledger." She used the term a lot – she was really the only one she knew who did. But she used it because it was more accurate, to her mind, than 'seeking redemption' or 'forgiveness' or even really 'a second chance'. Those dressed up what it was, made it sound prettier, fancier, nicer. It wasn't nice and simple and it definitely wasn't pretty.

"A two mile radius is hardly a cage, Agent Romanoff," Coulson countered tersely. "But yes. You can trust him, but I can't. Not yet. And if he really isn't worthy of the trust you're giving him, then him free and out of his cage? That's something that could come back to bite us all." Romanoff watched the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. as he was silent for another moment. "As much as I'm glad Skye doesn't believe it, I think Ward's feelings for Skye are genuine. And I'm not remotely interested in letting him loose to come 'after her', if it turns out you're wrong."

Grant isn't going to hurt her, you idiot. But Coulson was giving her what she wanted – sort of. And Grant didn't need to be able to range freely around the world initially. What he needed most of all was to get out of that cell and away from this base, away from his former team. Away from Skye especially, before that girl could say more things along the line of what she already had and push Grant off of the edge he was precariously perched on.

"And your other condition that you know I'm going to hate?"

"After you'd had him for a month, and assuming you still believe in him by that point I want to have a meeting, face to face. Just him and me, I don't want you there looking over our shoulders. You can pick the ground – he can even – and I'll come alone. You can even be there at the start of the meeting to make sure. But if you're right, and Ward really deserves a shot at a second chance, I want to be able to see if you're right."

"The last thing Grant is going to need is more time around you and the rest of your team." Romanoff replied. She took a breath, "Not at that point, anyway." All things said and done, she was fairly fond of Coulson. But Coulson had people. At this moment in time, Grant had no one. And she'd been through everything Grant had. She was quite possibly the only person who could really understand what Grant had been through. She was certainly the only person who was in a position to do anything about it. She could do for him what Clint had done for her.

Of course, I also got S.H.I.E.L.D. mandated psychiatrist appointments. She'd hated them. A lot. Fortunately, Grant wouldn't have to go through those. There really wasn't a psychiatrist in the world they could take him to.

"I'm not budging on these two conditions, Natasha." Coulson replied. "After I've seen him again, after that month, then I'll know if I'm making the right call here or not. "

"I can and will break him out. I'm not leaving this base without him, Phil." Two could play at the first name game.

"I didn't think you were. But you also aren't going to do the more difficult thing just because. I can't trust him – but as good as you are, you aren't perfect. If you're going to sign on with the agency again, you aren't going to be able to be with Ward 24/7."

Not that Grant would want that even remotely. Grant liked his solitude – not constant solitude like he'd just about had in that hole they'd stuffed him into, but he did like being alone. Being around people – Grant needed that. But she had no interest in just tossing him off the deep end. She was sure therapists worldwide would critique the way she was planning on helping Grant.

Romanoff didn't care. She was going to help Grant the way she knew how.

"Five mile radius." Romanoff said after a moment. She didn't want to have to break him out if she didn't have to. And -

She could understand Coulson's concerns. Sort of. She'd had the same treatment in the early days, and she hadn't actually betrayed anyone. Trusting her had probably been easier for Coulson than trusting Grant was.

"Five miles," Coulson agreed.

"I came in here expecting to have to bully you into agreeing to let me leave with Grant," Romanoff admitted with a slight hint of humor in her voice – in some ways, this whole thing was entirely absurd.

"Why do you think I just opened with 'you can have him'?" Coulson replied, smirking a little, though only for a moment. He stood up. "I've got a doctor in the infirmary ready to put the tracker in Ward. I suppose the doctor just needs a patient."

Vault D, The Playground

October 4th, 1999

Ward looked up as he heard the door to his cell open. He knew it wasn't someone with a meal. Irregularly scheduled or not, he'd been given food two hours ago. He didn't get meals that close together.

His hopes that it was Skye were dashed when he saw Coulson – but then...

Natasha was back.

It felt...strange to call her by that name. Always had, even though she'd eventually insisted on it, by the end. Even more so now, now that she knew what he was. And yet – she'd insisted once more that he use her given name.

He hadn't expected her to come back. But here she was.

Ward stood up from the bed and approached the laser grid. He had no idea what it was that they wanted. Natasha couldn't still believe he deserved a second chance. Ward knew he didn't. He didn't deserve anything but this cell for the rest of his natural life.

Oh but how he wanted that second chance. That chance to wipe the red from his ledger, to use Natasha's terminology. But he'd done too much. There was just no forgiving what he'd done.

"Grant." Natasha stood in front of the laser grid. They were maybe a foot apart now.

"Natasha," Ward said after a moment. "Why are you-?"

"You're being let out," Natasha replied.

"You're being released into Agent Romanoff's custody. What she does with you is her affair, within certain conditions," Coulson said from behind Natasha, who turned her head enough to shoot him a glare. Ward swallowed and looked at Natasha.

"You can't. This is where I need to be." Grant said softly.

"No, this is the last place you need to be." Natasha replied. "Even if you really are irredeemable, this isn't the place they should be keeping you. But I know you, Grant. And after our last discussion – I'm going to make a different call." Natasha grabbed the tablet and dropped the laser grid. Coulson shot her a look, but didn't make any move to try and grab the tablet from her, to call in back-up to stop him from escaping.

Not that Ward was interested in escaping. He just stood there. "Natasha... this..." He should have kept better composure when she'd shown up before...

"Grant, you're not staying here. That's non-negotiable. If I have to knock you out and carry you out of here myself, I will." That sounded like the agent he'd worked with for a year and a half. "No, you don't really deserve a second chance. No one does. No one 'deserves' anything like that. But I'm giving you that chance. Do you really want to be down here?" Natasha shook her head, "No, you don't."

Ward knew what he wanted. He wanted Skye to look at him with something other than hate and disgust and pain and rage in her eyes. He wanted Skye to – look at him like she had before. Even before they'd both realized there was something there. He'd settle for the look in her eyes in the early days, when she was just his rookie, when he was just her S.O. He'd settle for anything other than the look she'd given him before.

But if he took this – Coulson was letting him out, putting him into 'Natasha's custody'...

Would he ever see Skye again? Somehow, he doubted Coulson would let him see Skye. Ever.

I have to. I need – I need to tell her about her father. I need to-

But if he took Natasha's offer -

Ward – he didn't want much. Well, no, he wanted – he wanted to change the past. He wanted to do everything. He wanted the happy life with Skye he'd never allowed himself to imagine. He wanted his friendship with Fitz and Simmons to be like they'd been before. He wanted to have had the strength to break free from John -

He wanted to do it all over again.

But he couldn't.

Throat tight, not really sure he could trust himself to say anything, Ward stepped across the line that had marked the laser-grid. He stepped out of his cell.