Disclaimer: I always say that I would be kinder to Spike and Buffy if I was the creator of these wonderful characters and universe. This story has shown me I can be evil like Joss.

Authors note: I want to preface this by saying. This story is not for the faint hearted Spuffy fan. I will put you through the ringer, but I hope that you will feel it was all worth it in the end. Please leave a review if you can. I always love to know what others think.

Betrayal

Chapter Nine

Since the day Spike has told her it was over, Buffy had played their conversation over and over again. His words had played on repeat like a mantra in her head. "That's all I've ever been to you; the stopgap until you and Angel finally get your act together." That was unfair, or was it? She had been such a bitch expecting him to be there no matter what and to forgive her no matter what it cost him. She had known there was a chance that he wouldn't come back to her, but she hadn't really believed that he wouldn't. After all that was what they did – put each other through hell and then get back together. They had countless passionate fights, but in the end they ended up making love furiously, their woes forgotten. This was not something that you could kiss away or use sex to fix. This was too deep- too much. She felt like her heart had been ripped from her chest and trod upon. As much as her circumstances had been upended by this pregnancy, she couldn't bring herself to regret this burgeoning life inside her, even if the circumstances were so terrible. It may not be fair to Spike, but she wanted this baby so much. She had never thought that she wanted this: motherhood. It was the one thing that Spike couldn't give her and she knew that in itself must have wounded him deeply. If only this baby was Spike's. She knew how good he was with Dawn's kids and how protective and loving he was to those he cared about. She had come to terms with the fact that she would never be a mother and reassured Spike and herself that she would be satisfied with that. She had meant it wholeheartedly at the time. She never thought she would feel maternal and never anticipated the strength of her emotion for this child within her.

True to his word, Spike had come back when she was away and taken his stuff. The house felt empty without this presence. She had complained to him for polluting the house with the smell of his cigarettes. What she would give now for that inconvenience? She was alone and pregnant and miserable. He was careful to avoid her and he managed to elude any meetings that necessitated them being in the same room as one another. She knew she had to find some way to convince him to give them one more chance. She didn't know where to start and she knew he would not answer his cell if she was the one calling. Maybe he needed more time. She was giving it to him, but that didn't mean she couldn't think about how to make this better. The only person who knew Spike as well as she did was her sister. Buffy decided that she needed to see if her sister could help her. Dawn was doing her best to be there for her, but she could feel the chasm between them deepen. Her sister was still angry at her on Spike's behalf, though she tried not to show it. They usually didn't speak much about him, even though Buffy was dying to know if he was missing her as much as she was him. Buffy and Dawn had a long established tradition, where they met up every second Friday for lunch in their favourite restaurant. The Palace served gorgeous Chinese food and this particular Friday was no exception. The two sisters chatted about Dawn's little terrors and Michael. Buffy managed to hold off asking about Spike until dessert arrived.

"How is he, Dawnie?"

"How do you think? He's devastated, Buffy."

"Dawn, there must be something I can do." She looked pleadingly. "You know Spike probably as well as I do. Do you think there's any chance? I don't want to give up on him."

Dawn shook her head. "I'm sorry, Buffy. Some things you can't fix."

Buffy couldn't give up that easy. She eventually managed to corner Spike one evening when out for a walk. "You've been avoiding me."

He stood with his hands in his favourite duster. "No kidding."

"I hear you got a new flat," she said in a desperate need to keep him talking. She expected him to flee any moment.

"Yeah – a nice, little basement flat. Don't worry. You can keep the house. I've enough money to keep me going."

She was a little taken aback at that. She hadn't even thought about that. He was being so cavalier – like it truly all finished with no prospect of reconciliation.

"I don't care about the house, Spike. Tell me how I can make this better. Please?"

"You can't, Slayer. There's nothing that can make this better other than going back in time."

"I'm so sorry, Spike. You mean the world to me."

"Once the trust is gone, what's left? I don't trust you, and the Poof is going to make sure that I don't get a look in. There's nothing left for me. "

"I love you, Spike."

He said nothing. His face was like marble. It was unnerving for a man who always wore heart on his sleeve.

"Maybe we can be friends," she said finally. It would be a start at least.

He shook his head. "We've never been friends." His tone was cool and detached. This more than anything else was disconcerting. When Spike was angry he roared and shouted. This quiet anger was something new and she didn't know how to approach it.

"Not even that time after I came back from heaven before we started sleeping together or that last year in Sunnydale?"

"Screw your head on, Summers. That was you taking and me giving. Like a pathetic bird begging for any sodding crumb. Real friendships are equal. Sides I was in love with you all that time."

He turned around. "Goodbye, Buffy."

It had been two weeks since Spike had told her it was over and Buffy knew it was time to fess up and tell everyone she was pregnant with Angel's baby. They would all be disappointed in her, but she knew they would give her the support she needed to get through this. Willow was the one who was her comforting shoulder, her confidante and her ice cream buddy. She couldn't hide this pregnancy for much longer before she would begin to show, and with that in mind she picked up her phone to call Giles and Xander. She would invite them to dinner and use the opportunity to land the bombshell. She could imagine it right now – Giles rubbing his glasses furiously and Xander's mouth open so wide he could swallow flies. Be brave Buffy. She took a deep breath and dialled Giles' number.

To be continued…