Eight and a Half

By Imagine Backstory

Chapter Sixteen – The Loneliness & The Split

Jess

2 Months Ago

"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away," Nora screeched out at the top of her lungs, using her hairbrush as a microphone. I just laughed at her from my spot leaning in the doorway to the bathroom. The sink was laden with make-up products of all sorts and Nora plucked from the collection as she got ready for tonight, occasionally taking a break to belt out bits of whatever god-awful Christmas song came over the radio. "THIS YEAR, to SAVE ME FROM TEARS, I'll give to someone SPECIAL!" The last word dissolved into giggles as I chucked a make-up sponge at her.

"We're going to get a noise complaint," I warned, though my lips bore my signature smirk.

She stuck her tongue out at me in the mirror. "It's Christmas," she said. "I'll sing whatever damn Christmas song I want!"

I cradled my wine glass in my palm as she continued to apply her make-up. "It's Christmas in a week from now," I reminded her amusedly.

"So? All of December is Christmas time."

I chuckled, rolling my eyes playfully. As I took a sip of my wine, I caught her watching me briefly before returning to her task. Gazing down into the pale, clear liquid in my glass, I raised my eyes to meet hers in the mirror. "I kinda feel like a jerk drinking this in front of you," I admitted quietly.

She paused for a moment, then shrugged. "Not a big deal. Just because I'm not drinking doesn't mean you can't. Plus—" she gestured to the car keys on my belt loop—"you get a built-in designated driver!"

"I know," I conceded, shifting my weight and shoving my free hand into my pocket. "I just kind of feel like we should be doing this together."

"You? Sober? Please," she scoffed. Her smile reflected mine the mirror. "When pigs fly."

"Hmm, better watch out for flying bacon," I said, coming up behind her to kiss her exposed neck. She shuddered beneath my touch and I grinned wickedly, nipping gently at the sensitive skin there. She purred in response, and I moved my lips up to the hollow behind her ear, pressing long, slow kisses there.

As her knees began to weaken, she pulled away, giggling, and swatted at me. "Stop distracting me," she scolded, taking a step away. My hands held her firmly in place. "You always complain that we're late because I take too long getting ready, but it's because you always distract me."

I nodded, smiling slyly. "Uh-huh, so it's my fault."

"Damn right it is!"

A half hour later, she was finally ready to go. It was well worth the wait, too—she looked amazing in her tight-fitting little black dress, and the heels she wore with it made even her little legs look a mile long. I planted a deep kiss on her lips before opening the front door for her; she threw a tie at me before smiling and walking out into the hallway. Grimacing, I locked the door behind us and reluctantly secured the tie around my neck.

Isabel rushed up to us as soon as we arrived at Truncheon. She was wearing an emerald green pantsuit and her platinum curls were piled on top of her head, secured with a glittering red ribbon. Justin was on her arm, looking bored and high as usual. "Where have you been?" she demanded, taking my arm and steering me, Nora in tow, into the throng of people already gathered in the bar area. "You're a half hour late to your own party!"

"Don't look at me," I said, raising my arms in innocence. "'S not my fault this one takes forever to get ready."

Nora's mouth fell open in protest. "Jess! Don't tell other people that!"

But I had spotted a couple of familiar faces in the crowd. Brushing Isabel aside, I made my way through the bodies until I reached my destination, holding my hand up and out and ready to clasp Chris' and Matt's hands respectively in greeting. "Well, look who it is," I said, grinning at the two of them after we'd exchanged our initial hellos. "So glad you guys made it."

"We almost didn't," Matt said, rocking back on his heels and shoving his hands in his pockets. "The highway was a disaster. Cars just fishtailing everywhere. Who knew a little snow would send the entire East Coast into World War Z?"

"But we're here now," Chris construed, rolling his eyes at his friend's hyperbole. "Where's the lady of the hour?"

I smiled, knowing full well about the crush Chris had had on Nora since we had all lived in Philly together. I turned back towards the crowd, catching sight of the lovely lady in question still chatting animatedly with Isabel and Justin. I stuck my fingers in my mouth and whistled, signaling for her and the others to come over. "Matt! Chris! You made it!" Nora exclaimed excitedly, hugging them both when she got close enough.

As the three of them fell into easy conversation, I put my hands in my pockets, my fingers closing around the thing in my pocket which was causing my gut to seize with nerves every few seconds. My mind was everywhere and nowhere all at once; it was an odd sensation, though not entirely unpleasant. Since returning to New York from spending Thanksgiving in Stars Hollow, my feelings towards Nora had shifted. Of course I still loved her, that hadn't changed, but everything felt a little more solid, grounded. Especially after my conversation with Rory outside on her back porch after she and James and Lorelai and Luke had announced their respective re-engagements. I realized it wasn't fair to hold back from Nora because of a girl who was ancient history to me. Rory was moving on, and now it was my turn to do the same; for real, this time.

"Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please?" Isabel called out at the mic set up on our tiny stage meant for poetry readings. A hush settled over the room as everyone turned to look at her. "Thank you for attending the fourth annual Christmas party thrown by Café Livre and Truncheon Books!" A smattering of applause rang out through the room. I pulled Nora into my side, my hand on her hip. She smiled up at me radiantly. "I would like to call up the two people who made this fantastic event happen; they just happen to also be the two people who make this entire place happen, really, so give them a nice big round of applause for Jess Mariano and Nora Rose!"

I sighed, grinning down at Nora. Isabel did this every year. It really wasn't a big deal—we didn't do anything fancy except order a bit more booze than usual and invite all our friends and clients to the Café for an evening of schmoozing and cocktails. Still, we complied; we were representing the business after all. Taking my hand, Nora led me onstage, her giggle ringing through the room as she approached the microphone.

"Hi everyone," she said, her voice amplified. "Like Isabel said, thank you so much for coming. We love having you all here every year at this time, and it's especially cool to see the crowd growing every year as our circle widens. We, uh, didn't really plan a speech, so I guess that's it for now...help yourself to food and drink and try and get to know people!" She laughed and the audience laughed along with her. That was the thing about Nora; she was charming and likeable to anyone, no matter the circumstance. Never awkward, never dull. Always excited and exciting. Always friendly, always all ears.

My heart clenched as I tightened my grip on Nora's hand, holding her in place before she could leave the stage. I leaned in towards the microphone. "Actually, I have something to add," I said. The words were just tumbling from me without any sort of control. Nora looked back at me, confused. The room shushed once again; all eyes were on me. I swallowed. "Uh, I just wanted to especially acknowledge the beautiful creature standing next to me." The room howled and Nora looked down sheepishly. "She is truly my rock and without her I—and this place, really—would cease to exist. I'm very lucky to have her. We all are. And, uh...I just wanted to..."

Nora's eyes widened to the size of plates as I dropped my weight, bending on one knee before her. I heard Isabel's squeal of delight from somewhere in the sidelines, but nothing existed in the world besides me and Nora. I took her hand in mine and looked up into her eyes, one of the stage lights behind her causing a halo effect around her flame-red hair. "Nora Rose, uh..." I reached into my pocket and held it out to her. "Will you...marry me?"

The audience erupted into wolf-whistles and hollering, some chanting for Nora to say yes, others just yelling their encouragement at me. Nora, however, was frozen, staring down at me, her mouth slightly open, her eyes filling quickly with tears. She stammered a few times, her eyes darting from me to the ring to the crowd.

Finally, her gaze settled on me, and a strangled gasp escaped her lips as the first tear fell, landing on my hand. I felt my jaw go slack as she abruptly turned and fled, the crowd growing silent and parting for her as she tore through it. The bell signaled her departure as she left the Café, and then all eyes were on me.

Isabel wordlessly handed me a cigarette when she joined me outside some time later, lighting it for me for good measure. I was sitting on the curb, my knees hunched up to my chest. As I let the first puff stream from my lips, I felt her eyes on me, but I couldn't bring myself to maintain eye contact with anyone. When she spoke, her voice was more gently than I'd ever heard it. "That was brutal. I'm so sorry, Jess."

I just nodded, sniffing, wiping at my runny nose with the back of my hand. My vision kept blurring. It was getting annoying.

Isabel put an arm around my shoulders, giving me a few squeezes before resting her head on my shoulder. I leaned my head on hers, huffing out a sigh in hopes it would mask the sob the followed. She just tightened her grip on me and didn't let go until I temporarily stopped leaking, my face sticky and my breath rattling as I finished off the cigarette, tossing it into the gutter. "Fuck," I said.

"Yeah," she breathed. "Fuck, indeed."

"I thought she wanted that."

Isabel nodded on my shoulder. "Me too. I feel like an asshole."

I looked down at her, eyebrow raised. "Why?"

"I encouraged you to propose," she replied quietly. "Not that I'm saying I'm the only reason you did, but...again, I thought it was what she wanted. She told me it was." She sat up straight, looking sidelong at me and propping her elbow on her bent knee. "Did something happen between you two?"

I shrugged. "Not that I know of. I thought we were great. She seemed happy, in control. She met my family, finally, and that went surprisingly well. I don't know what I did..."

Isabel rubbed my back gently. "Hey, don't beat yourself up. Odds are it's got less to do with you and more to do with her. You know how insecure she can be. Maybe she wasn't expecting it."

"She never expected much of me," I bit out with a humourless laugh.

Isabel just looked sad. I had a feeling people would be looking at me like that for a very long time.

I could think of a couple of people who would be ecstatic about the snow blanketing the state of Connecticut, but I personally was cursing it at the moment. Every couple hundred feet by back tires would slide out, causing me to zigzag all over the road. It was getting irritating, and dangerous—not only was I driving on less than four hours' sleep, but the conditions were some of the worse I'd seen in this state. Luckily, living in New York I was used to such foul weather, but that didn't make it any less shitty at this point.

It was getting dark by the time I passed the sign announcing my arrival in Stars Hollow. It was about four o'clock on Christmas Eve. And what was I going to do? Just drop in on Luke, who was inevitably preparing a fancy dinner for himself, Lorelai and Emerson, and, undoubtedly, Rory and James? Was I going to be that guy who just showed up unannounced and brokenhearted on a holiday to a room full of people who probably hadn't spared him a thought since the last holiday? What the hell was I even doing in Stars Hollow?

Stupid question. I knew what I was doing here. I was trying to escape the loneliness that was threatening to suffocate me back in New York. Isabel and Justin had gone to visit her parents in Syracuse for the holidays, and though she had kindly invited me along, I had politely told her there was no fucking way I was crashing a random family's Christmas because I was too fucking miserable to get my ass off her couch. No one deserved that, and at the time I had been perfectly under the impression that I didn't deserve company this holiday season, either.

I wondered what Nora was doing for the holidays. She didn't have a family to spend it with, and she was all alone in our apartment. I figured she was probably spending it with Dan and Natalie, who never went anywhere. I hadn't spoken to her in a week, so I really had no idea. I hadn't bothered trying to go home, knowing she needed her space, and I was too humiliated to face her yet, anyway. I was comfortable just wasting away on Isabel's couch, smoking pot with Justin, and trying to erase every trace of the happiness I felt I had only just begun to feel.

The biggest problem was work. I had been sneaking in super early and spending all day every day in the upstairs office, never once coming down for anything, knowing she was probably below me running the Café as if nothing was wrong. Isabel never said anything and I never asked, so I really wasn't sure if Nora was even coming to work anymore, but I was paying it safe anyway. It felt stupid and childish—I was almost thirty, for god's sake—but I knew that as soon as I saw her, I would break. And I just couldn't handle that yet.

I parked my car near Town Square and just sat there for a minute, wondering what the hell I should do. The diner was dark, and so was the apartment above it. I could just go in there and spend the holiday miserable in my previous prison. I knew Luke's would be closed tomorrow for Christmas. I could be out of there before he showed up in the morning on Boxing Day. Or, I could crash the Gilmore-Danes Christmas party. Or—I could visit my mom and TJ. The latter idea, though the least appealing, seemed to be the most practical. I couldn't be alone, and I couldn't be with Rory and family, so I put my car in drive and headed back out onto the treacherous roads, aiming for Woodbury.

Liz pretty much had a conniption when she saw me standing on her doorstep. She flew at me, enveloping me in a bear hug that smelled of craft glue and synthetic cinnamon. "Oh my god, I can't believe you're actually here!" she cried, pulling back to trap my face between her hands. She pressed her forehead to mine, standing on her toes to do so. "Handsome. I get to spend Christmas with my boy! It's been years since we've spent Christmas together."

Exactly fifteen years, I thought, but didn't dare speak it aloud. It would be sure to kill the smile on her face, and though I wasn't completely elated to see her, I wasn't about to ruin anybody's Christmas spirit. Or whatever.

"Hey, there he is!" TJ bellowed as Liz led me into the kitchen of their cute little heritage home. It was all thick wooden slabs and pastel paint with homey furnishings. TJ shook my hand and pulled me in for a hug, clapping me hard on the back. "Didn't expect you this year, kid."

"Jess!" I turned and accepted Doula into my arms, swinging her around in a circle as she squealed with delight. As I set her down, she brushed her curly dark hair out of her large eyes, which looked eerily like mine. "Where have you been?" she demanded, crossing her little arms.

I rumpled her hair affectionately. "Sorry, kid," I said. "You big bro's been busy." The alliteration.

"Want anything to drink, Jess?" Liz asked, automatically going to the fridge to retrieve a beer. I accepted it, toasting with TJ before taking a long swig. Liz leaned again the counter, watching me earnestly. "So what brings you here, Jess? I gotta say, I'm surprised that you showed up."

"Sorry for not calling," I said, setting my bottle down gingerly. "Just thought I'd spend the holidays here for once. New York was getting...cold."

"I guess you didn't bring your girlfriend, huh?" Liz asked. "I'm sorry we missed her at Thanksgiving. Doula had that awful fever that was going around. Didn't want to get anybody sick."

"It's okay," I said, smiling down at my half sister. "She's not my girlfriend anymore, anyway."

"What?" Liz seemed genuinely shocked. "Weren't you together for—"

"Five years," I said wincing. "I don't really want to talk about it."

She nodded, surprisingly understanding. "Well, we were just going to have some eggnog and watch The Grinch. Come on into the den."

As TJ set up the movie on Netflix, I put my arm around Doula, who had promptly sat on the couch next to me and curled into my side, her little legs tangling on my lap. Liz smiled at the two of us, her eyes filled with love as her two children cuddled in front of the TV. I felt strangely comfortable in my estranged family's home. It was nice to know we had repaired our relationship to the point where I could show up out of the blue at a random time after months of no communication, and still feel strangely at home.

"Hi."

"Hey."

"I'm not quite done packing." She had dyed her hair black again. It made her seem entirely darker.

I blinked, trying not to show my surprise. "Okay."

"I need a bit more time."

"That's fine."

"Are you going to come in?"

"It's my house."

"...Right."

I stepped past Nora and into what I had previously thought of as our apartment. A week after Christmas I had finally got the nerve to text her, asking when I could come home to grab more clothes and stuff to take to Isabel's. Now, though, I was surprised to find the apartment half packed already, but it was all Nora's stuff that was boxed, not mine. She stood behind me awkwardly as I took it all in, turning in a full circle before facing her again. "Huh."

"I figured you would want the place."

"You know me so well," I said dryly.

She swallowed, looking at the floor. "Jess..."

"I'm gonna get my stuff now." I headed upstairs to the loft, where I found my suitcase and began throwing random articles of my own clothing into it. She followed me up, watching silently as I packed completely random shit. I was too focused on not letting the burning sensation in my eyes come to fruition to really care about what I was grabbing.

She was playing with her nails. "I was hoping we could talk."

"What about?" I asked casually, pulling open drawers.

"Jess. Don't be like that."

"You don't get to tell me how to be," I snapped. "I did what you wanted. And you ripped me apart."

She bit her lip, lowering her gaze once more. "I thought it was what I wanted. But then when you asked..." She trailed off, gesturing helplessly. "I got scared."

"You don't think I was scared?" I demanded. "I was fucking terrified. You know that's not me, but I did it for you. You humiliated me. You—you broke my heart."

Tears bubbled over her eyelids and her lips parted with a whimper. "Jess...I'm so sorry," she gasped, her voice breaking over my name. "I didn't want it to be this way."

"Well, it is." I zipped up my suitcase forcefully and took a look around, hoping I hadn't forgotten anything important. "How much longer do you need? I'd like to be able to live in my own home at some point."

"I don't know." She was still crying. "You can have the apartment. I just need some time to get by stuff out, and think, for a while."

"How long is a while?"

She lowered her arms, looking tired. "It's just a while, Jess."

I narrowed my eyes. "How long, Nora?"

"A month, maybe?"

"A month?" I gaped, incredulous. "That's a long time, Nora. I can't put Isabel and Justin out for that long. I'll end up sleeping at work."

She shrugged, helpless once more. "I need to get my stuff out. I need to find another place to live. If you want, we could alternate...every few days or something..."

"Not worth the hassle," I snapped, moving past her with my suitcase. "Just don't take too goddamn long. I have a life to live."

She followed me back downstairs. I went to the kitchen to get my protein powder and some veggies. Isabel only stocked crap at her place. "Jess, please, I want to explain." She took a deep breath. When I didn't answer, she carried on. "I've got to figure out who I am. I know that sounds cheesy and cliché, but it's something I have to do for myself. You understand that, right?"

I didn't answer.

"When you got down on one knee, I just...I realized that, all of a sudden. I mean, I'm young. Not that you're not, but...I'm inexperienced and unsure and I'm suffering from wanderlust. You've...already done all the things I want to do, pretty much. We would just end up resenting each-other." She paused, crying once again. "You want to settle, but I'm not ready for that yet. I'm not good for you, Jess. I'm holding you back. I know it, you know it. I'm...too young." She blotted her eyes with a tissue. "And I know I'm a shit because I definitely wouldn't be where I am without you. You saved my life. I was in a shitty place when I met you and somehow you fixed me. Well, as much as I can be fixed, anyway. And here I am, leaving you...god, I suck."

I drummed my fingers on the counter, looking anywhere but at her. "So that's it?" I asked, my voice irritatingly weak. "We're not going to work this out? You're just done?"

"This was always going to be our undoing, Jess." She took a deep breath. "It's for the best. Especially after what I saw at Thanksgiving...I know it is."

"What the fuck does Thanksgiving have to do with this?" I roared, anger flaring up in me so fast it made my head spin.

She shrank away from my outburst, fiddling with her fingers again. "I saw the way you looked at her," she said, her voice barely above a whisper.

There it was again. The look. Lorelai's words suddenly echoed in my head. You had better be careful the way you look at my daughter. One of these days the wrong person is going to notice. I felt dizzy. I felt sick. There was no fucking way Rory was going to fuck things up for me again. No fucking way. The world could not be so unforgiving, so goddamn cruel.

Clenching my fist, I let the full weight of my glare land on Nora. "This is not. About. Her." Each word cracked out like a whip.

"Yes it is, Jess."

"I fucking asked you to marry me. What more do you want from me?" I cried, not caring if the neighbours heard my voice as it raised well beyond acceptable quiet time volumes.

Her lower lip trembling as still more tears escaped her big green eyes, she shook her head. "We just can't be together, Jess."

"But..." Just like that, the anger was gone, replaced by distress and fear, sadness and despair. My fist relaxed on the counter, my sweaty palm leaving a steamed up mark on the granite. "But I love you."

"No, you don't." It was a full reversal. Now her voice was firm, her body language closed off.

I felt my whole body going limp, knowing I was going to lose this battle. "Nora—"

"You don't love me, Jess. We both know who your heart really belongs to."

"That's a lie," I choked out, looking at the ceiling to prevent tears from falling. "That's bullshit and you know it."

"Jess." She looked so tired.

"Don't do this, Nora," I whispered, looking over at her pleadingly. Her face swam before my eyes as I finally gave in, letting the first few tears roll down my cheeks. "Please."

Her face contorted in pain and then she, too, was crying again. We just stood there opposite each-other, looking into each-other's eyes as we cried. "Jess..." she began, my name coming out as a sob. "Stop lying to yourself."

I felt my denial dissolve as Rory's face flashed in my subconscious, and a strange numbness began to spread in my extremities, quickly freezing my blood and seizing my heart. Grabbing my suitcase and plastic bag full of food, I brushed past Nora and out of the apartment, not looking back as I heard the lock slide home behind me.

A/N: Sorry for the delay in updating. Life happens. If I get some good reviews for this chapter, maybe the wait for the next won't be as long...?