Leave When You Love Me
Two months after migration
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The first month was constant excitement.
Of course it would be, Rin reminded herself.
After all, she explored things that were beyond her wildest dreams and realistic expectations.
What were once ideas she was only aware of from reading books written by people outside of her culture, or watching media set in places outside home, she experienced it herself.
Everyday was an out of world experience for Rin.
Her first time to use the unfamiliar public transport by herself, strolled on the calm and cosy streets and greeted with smiles by the relaxed locals, and ate delicious delicacies that would soon lose their foreign taste.
In the first month, she could not help to compare what was at home to what was here at the new place.
There was the stressful habit of converting currencies with every price tag she saw.
Rin unconsciously noticed things she saw in the new country that were absent at home, and vice versa.
Her favourite fruit did not taste the same back home, no matter the different kinds she all tried. What were once her staple stationeries, they were far too expensive here. All the clothes on sale in fashion bouquets were all too long and too big for her, even at the smallest sizes.
Like how the toilets seemed empty with the lack of bidets that was her necessity. In the trains, she was dismayed with the leftover rubbish under the seats and the day-old stains on the cushions. Growing up at home, Rin was so used to trains and buses that were respected.
She realised the things she had at home (that were once not a big deal to her) were taken for granted—her social network. It felt alienating to not know a single person in their local area, even their neighbourhood.
But Rin managed. She could adjust to it, as she has always done up to this point.
If she moved on from her greatest heartbreak yet, she could overcome this.
Until she had to make unwilling sacrifices she never wanted to do.
"Sorry, Rin. You have to skip uni this year until we get enough to pay for your first year. But if your eligibility for student loans is finalised in the middle of the year, I swear to you that you can start as soon as that happens."
Rin was quiet. She carefully maintained the neutral expression on her face as best as she could in front of her father.
She was heartbroken.
If it was possible the sky fell down and there was no more air to breathe in, then that was how Rin had felt her world crumble.
She held back her emotions, kept it together throughout the day.
It was another thing she took for granted, when she realised the lack of private space at this new house.
The second bedroom had to be shared between Rin and her sister Lola. Their one-story house, a standard in this new place, mentally suffocated her.
It was only when the lights were off, the night was at its coldest and only silence prevailed in the household they were all in the process of getting used to. Lola slept soundly on top of the bunker bed with soft breaths.
But for Rin, she silently cried while she laid her head on the pillow.
The pillowcase had a large wet stain from all the tears that were left on her cheeks. She stared with empty eyes on the curtain next to her.
The days blurred with every application she had sent out online to potential employers. But with every rejection email she received, it only disheartened Rin.
She was never the type that easily gave up. Yet she found herself slowly losing morale for herself.
When the family went out to buy the monthly groceries, Rin insisted she be left behind. This was a rare opportunity for her to get the privacy she long missed.
The young woman remained in the shared bedroom, for once she finally had it for herself even for just a limited time.
Rin sent out two job applications within that hour. She scrolled down for another minute, and filtered the job advertisements posted based on the skills they asked for (that she obviously did not have the requirements they wanted). Then she found one to apply.
Rin once again edited her cover letter. She erased the details of the last employer or recruiter to the newest one. A few edits on little details of her cover letter to make it as relevant as possible.
While she typed and focused intently on the screen, she had not noticed tears falling from her eyes.
Rin's fingers halted and hovered on the keyboard.
She touched her wet face with the tip of her fingers to feel it, to confirm she actually cried.
Then the sobs came in. Rin covered her face with both palms and lowered her head.
It was at that moment a heart-wrenching cry vibrated from her chest and into her vocal chords. Her shoulders shook from the unexpected surge of emotions.
Rin was just slapped on the face with the sheer impact of this new reality.
She had a heartbreaking revelation to herself.
This was homesickness.
Rin could never go back to the opportunities she gave up. There were now things that hindered her from seeking the comfort of the life she used to have.
Rin missed who she was, surrounded by the friends that continued to support her in the life she was content with.
It hurted for her to leave behind the people who loved her, someone out there who finally loved her for who she was.
Why was it that when Len finally loved her, Rin had to leave to somewhere far away where no one could go!?
It was the most cruel thing she could think of.
Even when she could not love him anymore, Rin wanted to start over. But the sheer distance made it hopeless for their cause.
This was among the missed opportunities she had to let go in order to get here in this new life she never asked for.
A clenched fist hit the surface of the table together with a broken sob. Rin had not felt the pain from the punch with how distraught she was.
Rin cried for the home she longed for.
The cold weather did nothing to assure her with the heavy pain in her heart, and the anxious gloom to an uncertain future.
It could have been a few seconds, or a few more minutes. Rin lost her sense of time as she was trapped in the surge of strained emotions she could no longer control.
Rin had never felt so hopeless. In her mind, she fled to another world far away for solace compared to her body that was left behind in where she currently sat and existed.
She gathered the little strength she had in her to stand up. Rin went to the shared bathroom with her sister.
Rin turned the tap water on and washed her face, wiped her swollen eyes and runny nose after the emotional episode. She rubbed her face dry with a towel and left the bathroom.
Rin saved the progress on another new copy of the cover letter and closed her laptop. She climbed to the lower bunker bed and stared at the floor of the bedroom with empty eyes.
Something within her still screamed the piercing pain she felt, which might be the reason for another wave of tears from her eyes.
What she brought from home was not enough. She still felt lost; did not know where to go for this hurt to disappear.
Rin closed her eyes and tried to suppress an incoming sob.
It was a selfish thing for her to think of, after she noticed her family never asked for anything else while they all adjusted together.
But in her current state, she was desperate and wanted for this agony to end.
If wishing something was all she could do, then she would do it religiously.
If only she could have something from home to help her, it would be the only thing she pleaded for.
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Part Of Me Keeps Holding On
Two months into moving on
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He opened his heavy eyes.
Len stared at an empty distance and sighed. He rested on his side at the bed, a weighted blanket trapped the warmth inside.
It had been two months since he confessed to Rin. It had been two months since he was left in pieces after she rejected his feelings.
Two months later, she started a new life overseas.
After two months, Len still struggled to handle that night.
He did not experience a mental breakdown in the middle of the day nor on late nights anymore.
But in every waking moment he had and the moment he closed his eyes, she was always in his mind.
Rin.
The melancholy still made things challenging for Len to function on a daily basis.
If his arse was not kicked by either of his parents or his friends like Kaito, Lily, Neru intentionally or unintentionally by Miku or Gumi (when they asked for a favour), he would have spent the majority of the day in bed.
Len browsed on his phone, checked social media and mindlessly engulfed himself in the endless feed of content.
His fingers went to the search bar and pressed the familiar name suggested that was among his previous searches.
Rin's profile came up on his screen. Her latest post was from a week ago.
Only photos of the sky and sceneries of the local streets she was in. The tagged location was a shopping centre and a local market after Len checked it out.
He knew this was wrong, that he should stop this. But the longing would not go away no matter what or how much he did anything.
Len often found himself in the exact same position every day: visited Rin's social media and scrolled back through her old posts.
His parents told him to stop holding onto his misery and let them all out. So even if he felt shit today after he released the emotions like a dam, he was assured it would get better soon. There were good days ahead soon, he was assured.
With muscle memory, Len mindlessly pressed a button on Rin's profile and was brought to her inbox.
He wanted to start another conversation with her again.
It felt like his world lit up when Rin sent him a message two weeks ago. A simple hello.
He began to compose a reply at that very moment. But then hesitated so he pressed backspace as fast as he typed out his initial message.
After a quick call for help to Kaito, he sent a short and quick reply of hello without being too affectionate.
They caught up, and Len learnt of Rin and her struggle to settle on her first month. But she was hopeful that things would improve soon so he did not have to worry about her after he conveyed his concern.
Rin had to excuse herself from the chat because the family needed her to be involved in their affairs. She promised to get back to him soon when she was available.
So Len was complacent and ended the conversation, not without a heartfelt message.
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[CHAT SCENE] Rin (sender) and Len (receiver)
Rin Shimoda
Len: All the best, Rin! I hope you're able to handle life there. I'm here if you need someone to talk to. :)
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And Rin never went back to him.
Len did not resent that fact. But if he was asked if it hurted even for a little bit, he would not deny it.
Len remembered Kaito's words the last time he visited, almost a month ago at the peak of his emotional episodes.
It still settled on his mind, the fact he just lost the one and only chance to fix the biggest mistakes he had made towards Rin. Len sighed.
But he knew he cannot move forward if he kept denying straight facts such as that one.
With a look at the digital clock in his room, Len realised it was the mid-morning. His parents were at their respective work by now. He had all the house by himself.
Len would have preferred the company. But he was all alone now. So he better make the best of the full-on privacy he had.
Kaito's words replayed on Len's head. That he needed to take one step at a time, one day at a time if he needed to move on.
So he just did, all the while groaned in the process as he rose from bed and grabbed a half-empty water bottle. He closed the door behind him and went downstairs.
Len did not have the energy to cook a decent meal for himself, despite knowing what to do in every step.
He did what would have caused disapproving looks from his parents when he brought out a cup of instant noodles.
Len filled the kettle with water and turned it on. While the water boiled, he scavenged the pantry for any instant coffee. After five minutes, he gave up with a groan.
With reluctance after the unwilling acceptance that he would not get a quick drink, he began to brew his own cappuccino with the coffee beans that he had to grind and put in the machine.
Even if Len was depressed, he would not skip his daily cup of caffeine.
When all was done, Len ate his cup of noodles and sipped his coffee in silence. He left his phone upstairs, not because he forgot about it.
He gave himself time to disconnect and be truly alone with his thoughts. It would have been invasive to him on any other day.
But for today, he needed a solitary space that helped him calm down and be in control of his emotions.
Len practised himself with what his parents advised him to do: focus on one thing at a time and not let any other thought enter his mind.
He was currently eating, so he focused on eating.
Before that advice was given, just a single moment when the idea and image of Rin crossed his mind made Len weak from misery.
It happened most of the time, so he became distracted on what he was supposed to do. It once happened while he washed the dishes. It was a miracle no plates broke, unlike his heart.
He cleaned after himself on the table when he was finished. The dirty dishes were washed by hand to let Len preoccupy himself with something simple.
He went upstairs back to his room, and convinced himself to clean what can be cleaned and tidy up his bed.
Towel and new clothes in hand, Len hopped on the shower to begin his day.
He came out of the shower room, took his glasses from the bedside table and sat down in front of his table.
In front was his closed laptop and sheets of documents with sticky notes that reminded him of his progress on a certain application. He finally remembered.
This was for the scholarship in a performing arts institution Miku convinced him to apply alongside her.
He was hesitant to do it in the first place. But after her constant nagging, he relented with a grumbled breath and received the link to the application.
He was about to tell Miku that he needed to back out from the application because he did not have all the requirements by the time the due date arrived.
But to Len's misfortune, he did have all the documents.
The institution was located in the same city Rin currently resided in. But Len decided not to remind himself of that coincidence.
And his parents actually supported him to apply when they learnt about this peculiar part of his application process.
Of all the things he wanted them to discourage him of, they did the complete opposite…
Len begrudged it when he was on a different page from his parents on the scholarship.
He had completely no hopes, zero of it, that he would be accepted, if he was honest with himself.
It wouldn't hurt to try, sweetie! His mother smiled. While his father nodded beside her in mutuality.
Of course she would say that. His mother went to a foreign country around his age to get a degree and worked for the next few years.
It did not mean that Len wanted to follow his mother's footsteps. He was already content here at home.
With the requirements right in front of him, Len simply began to work.
He crouched below his desk to use the printer and scanner to create softcopies of those documents and upload them to his online application. Len filled up more forms and attached more paperwork required.
It was a pain in the arse, but his parents assured him it was part of the process.
Adulting one-o'-one, as they liked to joke these days to him.
A few more minutes of constant typing and careful reading took for Len to finalise his application. He proof-read his answers and went through any potential errors he needed to correct immediately.
Everything was clear, and ready to go.
He clicked the last button, and the application was finally submitted. Len received an automated email that confirmed the decision he just made and needed to commit, until a rejection email popped on his inbox soon.
Len did not think anything after, not even daydreaming of a possibility on what if he actually made it?
Unlike Miku, Len had no plans that involved leaving his hometown.
Len sighed and leaned his back against his chair. He stared at the ceiling of his room as he contemplated.
If he was given one more chance to reunite with Rin and be friends again, he would take it in a heartbeat. The only thing he could do was pray, and hope for it.
He would not lose anything for simply just wishing. He still tried to move on. As Kaito told him, he could do both of those things.
If he could go back in time, he would go back to the moment he stood in front of Rin on that winter night. When the fairy lights illuminated her face and made it all the more enchanting for Len.
Let me photograph you in this light, in case it is the last time.
Len reminded himself to start putting things at the back of his mind and learn to live with the hurt. He sighed again with a reminder to himself in mind.
I have to go forward. There's no turning back now.
Len smiled and rested his hand on his chest.
Whether he lost his feelings for her soon or not, nothing would change the fact. Rin always had a special place in his heart.
Because what once he and Rin abandoned, they finally returned it to each other.