Author's Note: Okay, so this story will have 14 chapters with the 15th being an epilogue. I was able to get this done when I was supposed to be working on my final research paper for my last grad class. I love you all more than that class :) Enjoy! I may not have time to write again until June, but like I said before, this WILL be finished this summer! I purposely made this one longer so you would have something to hold onto until I can update again!

Disclaimer: HP does not belong to me…just this plotline…but I'm still not making any money from this sadly.

Letting it all Go

Chapter Eleven: Breathe Me

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"Help, I have done it again.
I have been here many times before.
Hurt myself again today,
and the worst part is
there's no one else to blame."—Sia

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"He's gone now."

"I'm fine."

"Everything is alright."

"The snow is beautiful."

"Nothing new to report."

"Hope you are having a good weekend."

"Tell Ginny hello for me."

"I'm fine."

"I'm fine."

"I'm fine."

Harry closed his cell phone and turned it over and over in his hand as he pondered about the texts he had been getting from Hermione. Setting the phone on his desk, he swiveled his chair to look out the fake window of his office in the Auror Department. She never answered his calls, but would text him back instead. Something didn't seem right, but she did say she was "fine". Turning back to his desk, Harry picked up the phone with every intention of trying to call her yet again to see if she would answer. He was interrupted by a knock on his open door. "Potter, the Minister needs to see us."

Glancing up to see his partner, Bentley, in the door he let the phone drop back onto the desk. "Okay, let's go." He stood up and headed out of the office with the edgy feeling that something wasn't right still. It would have to wait until after his meeting though. Maybe he would pop by her flat for a visit tomorrow afternoon. With one last thought of his friend, he entered the lift to go and see Kingsley.

Bentley pushed the lever for the correct floor and turned to smile at him. "Have they found anyone for the empty position in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement?"

Harry shook his head as the lift doors closed and they began to move. "Not that I've heard."

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Harry stared at the words on the report in front of him not really seeing anything at all. After his meeting with the Minister, he had gone out with Bentley on a mission and now he was trying to fill in the report to turn in tomorrow. He wasn't making much progress as his mind was still focused on Hermione and her strange texts. Harry was still unable to get her on the phone and had received two more "I'm fine" texts. He'd told Bentley he would be in late tomorrow morning so he could go see her instead of in the afternoon like he'd originally planned.

With a yawn, Harry closed the file and leaned back in his chair and looked at the clock in his home office. It was getting late and Ginny home yet. Maybe the Quidditch game she had been covering for the paper had gone on later than anticipated. He got up from the desk and turned out the light before heading towards the bathroom, deciding a hot shower would help him relax and take his mind off the unease he felt regarding his best friend. He was just turning on the water when there was a crash from downstairs followed by a scream of, "Harry!"

Switching the water off, Harry quickly turned, grabbing his wand from the sink to run downstairs, not even caring that he knocked a picture of his three children off the wall as he bumped it on the way down. He came to a stop in the living room where the front door was wide open, snow blowing in from outside. That must have been what caused the crash. His eyes quickly found those of his wife who was breathing heavily with a bandage over her left eye.

"Ginny! What happened? Are you alright?" He moved towards her quickly, taking her into his arms to try and figure out if she was injured anywhere else. He didn't see anything but Ginny was still frantic.

"Harry, I'm fine—it's Hermione!" Ginny shoved him away and headed towards the stairs. Harry followed her upstairs and into the bedroom. She began digging through the laundry basket until she found her cell phone. Harry watched as she hit a speed dial and put the phone to her ear. When she didn't get an answer she hung up and tried again.

"What about Hermione? What are you doing?" Harry was watching his wife become even more hysterical.

Frustrated, Ginny tossed the phone onto the bed and turned to face her husband. The worry in her eyes reflected what he had been feeling all day. She dragged a hand through her red hair and began to explain. "I took a bludger to the head while covering the game today so they sent me to St. Mungo's to get bandaged up." That explained the gauze on her head. "While I was there, the head ER nurse, Abigail, asked if I had seen Hermione. When I told her I hadn't, she said that there were a lot of rumors going around about Chief Healer Devon letting her go because she hasn't been going to therapy and that no one has seen or heard from her in ages." Ginny stepped forward and gripped his shoulders tightly. "She hasn't made it to a single appointment! Where do you think she is?"

Harry opened and closed his suddenly dry mouth a few times. "I don't know. She won't answer the phone and I only get texts from her saying she's 'fine'." Ginny suddenly went for his pants, which Harry thought was highly inappropriate right now, but when she grabbed his phone out of the back pocket, he realized she was just checking his messages. Blushing slightly at his inappropriate thoughts, Harry asked, "Have you talked to her in a few weeks—like actually talking not just texting?"

"No! That's why I've been so worried since I heard about all this."

Harry took his phone back, and sat down to put his boots back on his feet. "I'm going over to her flat. We need to see what's happened and if she's okay. You stay here and keep the phone on. Also, maybe try and find out what is going to happen since she missed all her therapy sessions." He stood up and put his wand in the back pocket of his jeans. Ginny followed him downstairs. Once outside he gave her a wave and Apparated to Diagon Alley to make the trek through the snow to Hermione's flat.

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The first thing Harry noticed when he entered Hermione's flat wasn't the complete darkness, which was odd enough considering how much Hermione loved lighting candles and lamps. No, the first thing he noticed was the smell. He was so used to it smelling liked baked goods, fresh food, and just clean. Stepping fully inside and closing the door Harry was overwhelmed with a stagnant smell as if no one had been in here for a while. A chill went up his spine, so he took his wand into his hand and whispered, "Lumos."

Creeping through the room slowly, he made his way to the kitchen and stopped dead in the doorway. The kitchen was a wreck—dirty plates and cups littered the counter and the sink was overflowing. Swallowing back his growing apprehension, Harry continued on. The dining room was normal and so was the hall bathroom. The study door was ajar, so he peered inside carefully, letting his wand light the way. There was no sign of Hermione, but it was a bit peculiar.

Harry knew that Malfoy had used this room while he lived here, but he thought that Hermione would have transfigured the bed back into a couch by now. In fact, the bed looked slept in with the sheets and blanket crumpled with a dent in the pillow. He wrinkled his forehead in confusion and decided that something was not right here indeed. Leaving the room untouched he began a slow ascent to the second floor, listening intently for any signs that Hermione was upstairs.

All was deadly quiet.

Rose and Hugo's rooms were shut like normal when they were away from school, so Harry kept going down the dark hallway. The linen closet was open and empty which was strange. He looked into the bathroom and discovered the answer to the linen issue—all the towels were in the bathroom on the floor, tub, and toilet. It smelled slightly of mold and dampness. It reminded Harry a bit of the cave Dumbledore had taken him to all those years ago. Trying to ignore the flashbacks of that night, Harry stepped back into the hallway and closed the door so he wouldn't fall back into the memories of so long ago.

There was only one room left to check, and Harry wasn't sure whether or not he wanted to find Hermione in there. If the state of the rest of flat was any indication, he was terrified at what he might find on the other side of the closed bedroom door. Not wanting to wake her if she was asleep, Harry tentatively turned the doorknob allowing the door to swing forward in front of him. He kept his wand hand steady so he could see properly.

If possible, the smell in the room was even worse than anything he had found so far. It was a mixture of sweat, tears, mold, and stale air that assaulted his senses. Quickly taking in the scene before him, he spotted Hermione sitting at the window. The bed was a mess—sheets, pillow, and blankets half off the mattress. More empty plates and mugs were strewn about on the nightstand and dresser, and even the floor. Hermione's wand was in the corner along with her cell phone and there were numerous crumbled up pieces of paper littering the floor. Harry spotted three broken quills and one still usable one on the window seat next to a nearly empty ink well.

Harry couldn't move. He was stunned at the woman sitting in the window. Her normally bushy hair hung lifelessly from her head and her eyes were sunken in. It looked as if she hadn't eaten properly in weeks. Her robe had stains and tears all over it. It was barely functioning and harry averted his eyes away from her body because he could clearly see exactly how thin she had become. He was just about to step into the room when he heard her speak.

"Hello, Harry. I wondered when you would come."

He swallowed as he took in those big brown eyes staring at him lifelessly. He dropped his wand hand and was next to her in three long strides. "Hermione, what the hell happened to you?" He said letting his wand drop to the floor as he cupped her face gently in his hands. Tears sprung to his eyes at the relief he felt that she was alive, but also because she was clearly a shell of the once vibrant woman he knew so well.

"Don't cry, Harry. I'm fine." Harry knew she wasn't fine though. Her eyes had no life behind them and her voice was so raspy she had most likely not spoken in days…or weeks…Her cheeks had tear stains on them and her hair was greasy, although she appeared sort of clean.

"You are not fine," he said pulling her into an embrace. "Please, what happened? You have to talk to me."

"He left me."

Startled, Harry moved back to look into Hermione's face again. "Who? Malfoy?" When she started shaking and tears sprung to her eyes, he knew he was right. Concern flooding his face, he pulled her to him once more and held her until the crying subsided. He wasn't sure if she had fallen asleep or passed out, but he lifted her into his arms and stood up. A coldness swept through him at how utterly light she was. Carefully, he carried her to the bed and placed her in the center. Tucking a pillow under her head, he managed to untangle a blanket enough to cover her up.

Once Harry was satisfied she was comfortable, he waved his wand and allowed his magic to start cleaning the room. So he wouldn't wake Hermione, Harry stepped into the hallway and called his wife on his cell phone. Ginny picked up after a single ring. "Harry? Is she alright?"

He placed his back against the wall and slid down, his emotions taking over. He covered his mouth to try and stifle the sob that escaped him. "Gin—I—I don't know what happened. Something is really wrong. She's not herself." He tried to pull in a breath to calm himself, but it only made it worse. He could hear Ginny start to cry on the other end of the line too.

"What did she say?" Came her quiet reply.

He shook his head although he knew she couldn't see him. "She said 'He left me.' That was all I got out of her before she passed out. I don't know what happened. I think she's talking about Malfoy." Harry tried again to get himself under control and wiped at his eyes with his free hand.

"Malfoy?" There was silence on the other end, so he might as well tell her.

"I think they fell in love…in fact, Malfoy told me himself that he was falling for her." He sighed and rubbed a hand through his hair. "I caught them kissing the night Padma's article came out."

"No!"

"I did." Harry let his head fall back against the wall. "I suspect that maybe things were a bit more complicated between the two of them than I was aware."

"I guess maybe it was."

The two were silent for a few minutes. Harry sat there trying to get the horror of what was on the other side of the wall out of his head. He also needed to come up with some sort of plan. He needed to see Malfoy and find out what happened. He couldn't ask Hermione. No, that would hurt her too much. It was better if he found out a different way. He also needed to figure out what to do next for Hermione.

"Ginny?"

"Yes, Harry?"

"You said Hermione lost her job right?"

"That's what Abigail told me. Apparently they already started looking for someone to take her place at the hospital."

Starting to stand up from the floor, Harry had an idea. "Get ahold of Kingsley. See if the position is still open in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. See if he is willing to let Hermione come back to work at the Ministry. If so, set up an interview or whatever else needs to be done." He was frantic now, ideas pouring into his head quickly.

"Sure. I'll try to find him right now." Ginny was quiet for another minute before asking, "Harry, what are you going to do?"

Harry turned and looked into the bedroom at his long-time best friend as she slept. He took in her sunken face and pale skin. He let his gaze wander over her lackluster hair and then to the window seat where he had found her.

"I'm going to tell her everything."

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By the time Hermione had woken up, it was nearing three in the morning. Harry had cleaned the entire apartment and even done a load of laundry. He'd double checked to make sure that there was still no alcohol present in the house, and was glad to find it dry. There was so much to tell Hermione, but he had no idea where to begin. He had kept everything a secret for so long—in fact Ginny was the only one who knew. He loved her even more for staying with him through all of it, especially since he still struggled to this day.

After he had finished cleaning, Harry had stepped out onto the balcony and called Ron. He didn't give two shits that it was after midnight when his friend answered his call. He could tell that Ron had been asleep by the groggy way that he'd said, "Hell-oo."

"Ron." That was all he could manage. He was so angry with his friend for pushing his other friend to the breaking point. He knew it wasn't all Ron's fault, but he wasn't helping matters any by keeping Hermione from her children. He heard his friend shifting around, probably getting out of bed.

"What's up, mate?"

"You need to call off this custody battle. You are killing Hermione."

"What the bloody hell are you talking about, Harry?" Ron was getting angry now. "It's after midnight and you're calling to tell me how to take care of my children?"

Harry slammed his hand down on the balcony railing. "No, Ron. I am calling to tell you that you are literally killing your ex-wife. She is dying and you are doing nothing but making it worse. I don't even know who you are anymore. I don't care that you and Hermione didn't work out, but I will not stand by and allow you to kill her. She is my best friend too, and I am going to be there for her through all of this. I am not on your side. You are wrong about this Ron!" He was breathing heavily and he hoped he hadn't woken Hermione.

"What do you mean I'm killing her?" Ron's question was whispered.

Harry sighed. Finally, there was the old Ron he knew and loved. The compassionate, caring individual that had sacrificed himself in a game of real life Wizard's Chess and on so many other occasions.

"She's worse now. Sober, I think…but worse. Something's happened and I think this custody battle is pushing her over the edge." He was afraid to mention Malfoy's name. He didn't want to start a fight that there was no winning side to. Neither of them had a say in who Hermione chose to love. That was her call.

"Is Malfoy gone?"

Harry sighed heavily into the phone. "Yes. I think he's been gone for a while now."

"It's probably his fault. He must have done something to her to make her lose it."

Well, he wasn't wrong.

"I don't know. She hasn't talked to me yet. I found her—she's not well."

"Clearly, she's not fit enough to take care of Rose and Hugo. Take her to St. Mungo's. Have her committed. I warned her something like this would happen. I'm just glad it's not my children who got hurt."

There was a soft rustling sound on the other end of the line and a whispered, "Ron, are you coming back to bed?"

Padma.

"Give me a minute, love." Ron replied to her. The fury was returning to Harry's veins. "Listen, mate. There's not much I can do at this point. The judge is out of the country until January. Even if I did want to settle the custody battle with her, there's nothing I can do until then. She better hope that she's been holding up her end of the deal. From what Padma has been saying, she's lost her job and everything. That's not going to look good when we get to court."

"She's lost everything, Ron…everything…"

"Not my problem. Goodnight."

The line went dead and Harry could do nothing but stare at the phone in his hand. If he didn't need it to get in touch with Ginny, he would have chucked it off the balcony into the snow covered street.

After the phone call, Harry had gone back inside and made himself some tea. He'd gotten a text from Ginny, "Kingsley said to have her come in Saturday to talk to him." That was good news. Now he just had to talk Hermione into it. The text he sent back simply said, "I love you."

At three he had heard movement upstairs, so he'd gone back up to the room and found Hermione at the window again. She had a sheet around her this time, but she still looked awful. He walked into the room and sat down next to her then looked outside to see if maybe he could understand what was so appealing about sitting here. He couldn't.

"I want to tell you something," Harry said firmly. If he didn't start now, he wasn't sure if he could tell her. He had kept it to himself for so long.

She turned her eyes towards him and he nearly lost the nerve to go on—nearly. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a coin. Taking her hand in his he dropped the coin into her palm and then released his grip on her. She looked at him with confusion on her face before holding the coin up. Hermione stared at it a moment and then said, "One day at a time." She brought her gaze back to his face. "Harry, what is this?"

He smiled sadly at her. "You're not alone, Hermione."

She began to shake her head in confusion, so he continued. "After the war ended, Ginny and I moved in together right away, but it wasn't for the reason everyone thought. We moved in together because she was helping take care of me. I was so messed up that I began drinking almost constantly to drown the pain I felt." He stopped and took a minute to collect his thoughts. He could see Hermione watching him out of the corner of his eye, but he just kept staring out that damn window.

"I was like that for nearly three years—just barely holding it together. I was constantly bombarded with the faces of those that died because of me—for me. Drinking helped to numb the pain. It didn't take it away though. Ginny finally suggested I go and see someone, but I was afraid, like you, that the Wizarding world would find out. It got so bad, that finally I didn't care anymore. I decided to join a Muggle group of Alcoholics Anonymous. By the time Ginny and I got married, I was almost completely sober. It took a lot of work. There were good and bad days, but Ginny helped me through all of it—and she kept my secret. I haven't had a drink in years." He smiled. "Have I wanted to? Yes, but this coin helps me remember that if I just take it one day at a time, I can make it through."

He gestured to the coin in her hand. "You can have that. I want you to know that I am here for you—that I've been where you are. It gets better."

He watched as she twirled the coin in her hands before letting her palm close around it. When she looked back at him there were more tears in her eyes. "Thank you, Harry." She shuffled forward and fell into his arms. He hugged her fiercely as tears clouded his vision as well. It felt good to finally share his secret with his best friend. The fact that it might help her get through this rough patch made it even better.

"Now, you better get some rest. Tomorrow, we're going to your first AA meeting together, and then Saturday you have an interview for a position with the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Kingsley said you could come back…and I think it's a good thing you've lost your job at the hospital. You need out of there…too many bad memories."

Hermione didn't say anything…she just let Harry hold her until she fell back to sleep.

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It was Saturday afternoon and Harry was sitting in his office at the Ministry. Hermione was upstairs at her interview, and Harry was trying to have Bentley track down where Malfoy was right now so he could try and ask him about what happened. The bloody Slytherin wasn't answering his owls so he needed to just surprise him. The thing was, Harry had no idea where Malfoy Enterprises' headquarters was located. Just as he was starting to lose patience, Bentley rushed into the office.

"Potter, I have it on a good source that Malfoy will be dining at the Leaky Cauldron for lunch in five minutes." He pushed his long hair behind his ears.

"Five minutes?!" Harry said standing up quickly. He would have to hurry if he wanted to ambush Malfoy. Grabbing his cloak, he dashed past Bentley. "Thanks, Bentley! I owe you one!"

"You can buy me a pint later!" Bentley shouted after him with a smile. Harry could manage that.

Six minutes later, a panting Harry stood in the doorway to the Leaky Cauldron frantically searching for a certain blond haired pureblood. Spotting a flash of blond in the back corner, he shrugged off his cloak and made a beeline towards the man in question. Malfoy looked up from his beef stew with a blank look on his face.

"I was wondering when you would come for me." Malfoy set his spoon down and sat up a bit straighter before indicating Harry should sit across from him. "So I guess the long haired man works for you?" Bentley, Harry thought, must not have been as inconspicuous as he had planned.

"Why haven't you replied to my owls?" Harry asked as he took a seat.

Malfoy shrugged. "I thought that maybe the conversation we needed to have was more of a face-to-face one."

"What happened?"

"Way to just come right out with it."

Harry leaned forward trying to keep his voice quiet and even. "Listen here, Malfoy. I found Hermione in a state of ruin two days ago. Apparently, she just gave up after you left her. I can't ask her what happened because I'm afraid it might break the resolve she's managed to build up since then, so I have to ask you. And you, you're going to tell me everything. So what the fuck happened three weeks ago?"

"What do you mean you found her in a state of ruin two days ago? Are you suggesting that none of you bloody Gryffindors checked on her for three weeks?" Malfoy looked a bit panicked and it made him feel uncomfortable…and guilty.

"We've all been busy…but you're not answering my question."

"You have got to be kidding me." Draco ran his hands up over his face and into his hair causing it to become undone. "Fuck...Potter…we slept together."

Slumping back into the chair, Harry didn't know what to say. He had thought that might have happened, but he hadn't been able to know for sure until now. It all made sense. "You're telling me that you slept with Hermione and then…just left her?"

"I'm not proud of it. I had to do something though. It was more important than our feelings for one another."

Harry snapped. "What in Merlin's name could have been more important than the fragile feelings of a woman who is going through hell right now?"

Malfoy sighed and shrugged his shoulders. "I bought the paper the Weasel's girlfriend works for. She's receiving her transfer this afternoon. She'll be moving to France in the next month or so…or she'll quit. And if she finds another paper to work for, I'll buy that one too! Either way, she won't be able to print articles about Hermione anymore."

There was nothing for Harry to do but sit and stare at his former nemesis. This man had left the woman he loved in order to try and save her from her demons. "Does she know that you love her?"

"Yes."

"Shit."

"I've also hired the practice her lawyer works for. Her lawyer has been removed from her case and she now has the best lawyer money can buy."

Harry leaned forward and put his face in his hands. This was too much. Hermione needed to know what Malfoy was doing for her. It might help her to get better. "I have to tell her."

"You will do nothing of the sort." Malfoy slammed his hand on the table and narrowed his eyes at him. "I am doing this so that she can win her children back. If the Weasel gets wind of any of this he'll be able to use it against her. Under no circumstance will you tell her. I have not torn my heart into pieces just so you can go and fuck it all up. Do you understand?"

"You didn't see her. If you had known what was going on, maybe you would let me tell her…or maybe you could tell her." Harry tried to get him to understand what Hermione needed, but when he saw the tears in the man's eyes he stopped short.

"I love her, Potter. I will do anything for her, but we can't be together right now. Maybe not ever, but that is just something I will have to live with. This conversation is over." With that, Malfoy got up, put some coins on the table, and left the pub.

Hannah Abbott-Longbottom came over to collect the dishes and money. She asked him if he needed anything else, but he just shook his head and got up to put his cloak back on again. She smiled at him as he left the pub as well. He then made his way back to the Ministry to see how Hermione's interview had gone.

When he arrived, Hermione was already sitting in his office. She jumped up from the chair she was sitting in and threw herself into his arms.

"I got the job!" She smiled, but it didn't quite meet her eyes. Harry smiled back, and wished he could tell her about a certain blond that had given up everything so that she could get her children back.

He did the next best thing though—he held her and made sure she knew he was there for her.

No matter what happened next, Harry would be there for her at least.