"James!" Shepard coughed as she inhaled the stench of burning flesh, smoke, and transmission fumes under the weight of him. She struggled to sit up trying her best to treat him with care despite feeling like she got stomped all over by a rampaging Brute. The side of her face stung and burned, her body ached and she could barely see or hear anything. But she paid it no attention, it all seemed to go away once she realized what had happened.
Blood was everywhere, his blood was everywhere. She dragged them both to cover despite the scream of her body and almost blacked out in the process.
Her hands shook slightly as she tried to make assessments on James, leaving Cerberus to Garrus,"Cortez, I need you to come in now!" her body was cold as she looked down at the unconscious James.
Her eyes squeezed shut but she forced them open again. No, she had to keep it together on the battlefield. It was no time to lose herself.
Don't worry Lola, I'm not going anywhere. His words immediately came back to mind and echoed over and over in her head. Her heart squeezed painfully and there was a sudden drop in her stomach as she was hit with the reality of the situation.
He had taken the blow meant for her...stupid, so stupid. She shook with anger as she took in the damage that he had received. Once again she had fucked something up and it was costing her.
His back was ruined and just like when Garrus had taken a hit in the face, there was a hole where James's armor covered the middle of his back.
Luckily his shields and armor had taken the worst of the damage. She didn't want to think about what would have happened if they hadn't.
"Roger that commander." Cortez's voice crackled in her earpiece as he responded after what seemed like hours. She could barely hear him over the sounds of gunfire that Garrus and the rest of Cerberus exchanged.
She applied all the medi-gel she carried on her omni-tool to James' mangled back. He wasn't bleeding too much right now since the heat from the blast had cauterized his wound...but anything could go wrong.
There really wasn't much that she could do other than that and check his pulse. She was someone who took lives to save the rest, she sacrificed one to save thousands. She didn't put people back together. That was beyond her scope of practice.
Shepard's throat choked up but her eyes were still dry as she looked at her lieutenant's ruined back. Moments like these made her seriously reconsider her career choice, "I knew I should have just been a medic." she muttered hoarsely to herself. What she would give to be able to heal someone instead of take lives now...or maybe she was just getting old.
She could see parts of his shoulder blades sticking out from the bloody and gory mess of burnt flesh and melted armor. Parts of his spine were revealed reminding her of the skeleton of a snake but thank all the luck that James seemed to have that the structure protecting his spinal cord was undisturbed.
There was a moment of silence as all gunfire ceased and Shepard couldn't help but to take in the scene around her. James, the soldiers, the backdrop of the base...Blood. Blood everywhere. On her hands, on the ground, her face...
Something seemed to snap inside of her and suddenly she felt calm and undisturbed as she looked away. She reached over and took out her missile launcher and loaded it up with as much ammo as it could hold. Taking a cool breath, she glanced at James before aiming at the atlas that was too busy trying to pin down Garrus and once she had it in range, she let go a succession of missiles all aimed at the person inside the giant machinery.
When the first missile hit, the person inside turned the atlas around and tried to pin Shepard down with gunfire but she was well hidden behind her barrier.
When the missiles ran out, she dropped the launcher and unhooked her assault rifle from her side and sprayed the atlas with bullets until most of her thermal clips were used up and gone. She didn't pay any attention to the foot soldiers aiming at her, she knew Garrus would take care of them. The atlas exploded with a satisfying burst of fire, wreckage, and noise after the assault but the anger inside of her only grew.
Garrus eyed Shepard from where he was but didn't say a word when he caught the look on her face. Dead, cold, and unfeeling. It was to be expected of course, she took the safety of her crew more seriously than any other person in command he'd ever served under. For this to happen was unacceptable. Her experience on Akuze must have done a number on her for her to react like this.
Shepard took out her sniper rifle and began to pick off any Cerberus soldiers advancing towards their position. She was on automatic now and anything that pointed a weapon at her was an enemy. There was one thing she couldn't stand and that was when the people who worked under her were put in danger, especially if it was her fault. It was unforgivable.
Someone could almost say that this was her way of atoning.
Garrus slowly made his way back to Shepard diving from barrier to barrier when he caught a glimpse of the shuttle headed their way. He wasn't about to be caught out by Cerberus during a retreat.
There was an almost silent purr of a shuttle touching down a few meters away safely hidden from their opponents behind a chunk of building that had crashed and when the doors of the shuttle opened, Liara and Grunt jumped out, eyes widening slightly when they took in the state of James.
"Goddess..." Liara breathed out as Grunt gingerly helped Garrus with James. She put up a barrier around them when Cerberus soldiers realized what was happening and directed gunfire at them.
Shepard didn't say anything as she jumped onto the shuttle waiting for everyone else to board the tiny vehicle.
"Joker, set a course for the Citadel as soon as we're on and tell Chakwas and Mordin to prepare for emergency medical treatment." Shepard's voice was tight and her words steel. She was having a hard time restraining herself from going after the rest of the Cerberus soldiers trying to advance towards them.
"Roger that commander." Joker replied over the comms system,"Joker out." his usual sarcastic comments didn't come this time, he could tell how serious the situation was by the tone of her voice.
The mood inside of the shuttle was tense and even Grunt had the tact not to say anything as he looked between the grim faces all around him while the shuttle took off smoothly.
"EDI, I got the information package for you. I'll upload it onto your systems. Send it to Admiral Hackett and if he needs to talk to me, tell him that I'll be available on the Citadel." Shepard continued talking, she didn't look at James who was unconscious and draped over Garrus's shoulder even once as she opened up her omni-tool and began to upload the data.
"Understood Commander Shepard." EDI's cool voice replied as the shuttle began to take off.
Don't worry Lola, I'm not going anywhere.
Shepard breathed in sharply as the words came back to her suddenly. It was almost worse than the dreams she had been having lately. Such empty words, she thought to herself almost mournfully not daring to look at James. This war was taking away everything from her.
Once the shuttle was docked safely inside the Normandy's shuttle bay, Shepard and Garrus rushed to the medbay where Dr. Chakwas and Mordin were waiting. Garrus gingerly set James onto the steel table lying him on his stomach because of the damage to his back. Liara and Grunt stepped outside and after briefly exchanging words, they parted judging that it would be better to give everyone space.
"Pulse very weak but still there. Weakening. No no. Can't have that." Mordin muttered to himself as he scanned James with his omni-tool and then injected him with something light green and then something dark blue,"Miracle that he's partly alive." he said matter-of-factly as he rushed around gathering more materials.
"Will he make it?" Shepard asked quietly standing next to Garrus and looking at James. If she hadn't taken too long, if she had been stronger, if she had only been smarter to avoid it, if she had only been faster...the list went on and on. Her head was a mess and her emotions were in a dangerous place at the moment but she had to keep calm, she had to keep cool in these situations because part of being the commander of the ship was to set an example for everyone else. If she couldn't have her shit together then how could she expect others to?
"It's hard to tell commander but it's a good thing someone applied medi-gel to the wound." Dr. Chakwas replied as she began her assessment and then quickly dug out packets of blood for a transfusion, although the wound was cauterized by the explosion, he still had lost a fair amount of blood,"You should go get cleaned up and eat something." she glanced at Shepard who had opened her mouth in objection,"Come back afterwards." she cut in before the commander could say anything,"It won't help to watch." she pushed burn ointment into Shepard's hands and pushed her out the door before anymore words could be exchanged.
There was a pause as Shepard stood there and when she looked up, she saw Garrus sitting at the mess table alone. Everyone else was in the CIC talking about what had happened much to the two people's chagrin and irritation.
"You should go get cleaned up." Shepard repeated what Chakwas had said to her trying to keep her voice light, but she sat down across from her friend anyways,"He'll get through this." she caught the look on his face and tried to reassure him just as much as she was trying to reassure herself.
"Of course he will." Garrus looked at her as if he knew what she was thinking,"I took a rocket to the face and look at me, I'm as good as ever." he gestured to himself in a halfhearted attempt to lighten the mood.
Shepard could only give him a small smile,"Still getting breeding requests from Krogan females?" she tried to joke along with him but her throat was starting to strain from the effort.
There was a brief silence and then,"Don't blame yourself Shepard." Garrus's voice was a soft purr and his sub-harmonics lilted along with the deep tenors that made it gravelly.
Shepard clasped her hands tightly on the table and stared at them,"You know it's my fault." her voice was low. She was their commander, and as their commander she had a job to protect the people who were subordinates to her. And yet she failed again. Same shit, different day.
"As much as it's a commander's job to protect their subordinates, it's the subordinates' job to protect their commander as well." Garrus said quietly,"The mission doesn't continue without you." he looked at Shepard,"Remember that?" his mandibles involuntarily twitched.
She frowned but didn't say anything, he was right of course she just didn't want to admit to any of it,"The ruthless calculus of war." she muttered darkly. She hated the thought of being a priority, she hated the thought of the lives sacrificed just so that she could survive. She was a soldier just like everyone else wasn't she?
"He'll be fine." Garrus stood up,"He can be as stubborn as you." he waved a talon in the air as if trying to clear up the gloom that was beginning to settle,"Now I think I'm going to take that shower. I reek." he started to walk away,"You reek too by the way." he called out.
Shepard just flashed him a smile and stood up, he was right though. She had wanted to stay and chat for a while but now that he mentioned it, she felt disgusting. Blood splattered all over her, the smell of smoke and atlas transmission fluid clung to her hair. She did reek.
With a silent sigh, she made a silent trek back up to her cabin where she shed her armor and clothing and tossed them into a little heap by the doorway. There was no noise except for the splatter of water against the metal walls and floors of the shower. Steam filled the the room as Shepard placed herself underneath the hot downpour letting the water run down her body and relax her muscles from the earlier tension.
Don't worry Lola, I'm not going anywhere.
The words hit her like a shock out of nowhere and causing her stomach to tighten and her chest to throb.
"What the fuck." Shepard muttered to herself clenching her fists. Why was he getting into her head now? Why did these words come back all the time?
Don't worry Lola, I'm not going anywhere.
"Stop." Shepard gritted her teeth as she wiped the water pouring down her face. She was trying to take a shower, she was trying to relax, she was trying to forget about that moment for even a second.
Don't worry Lola, I'm not going anywhere.
"Dammit!" Shepard punched the shower wall with a loud bang and let it rest there for a moment as she savored the sharp pain radiating from her knuckles and up her forearm. Anything to distract her right now. Anything.
Closing her eyes she tilted her face upward letting the water hit her face.
And if she was crying, she didn't know it.