James stood silently in front of the door waiting for it to open. He wished that somehow, the door would open up to the place he had seen Shepard last.
But wishes right?
There was a sudden acute awareness that made him pause and take a painful breath. He could see the sun rising outside, the light streaming in through the cracks of the doors and through the windows. A new day already. Peaceful and quiet as if the hell they had witnessed on earth was nothing but a dream, already fading away.
The doors opened silently and he stepped out into the cool air and the bright light.
They had made it. They had survived. But the key person that made it all possible wasn't there. The hole she had left behind was gaping and ragged.
No one said anything but everyone was feeling it. Without her strong presence and guidance, they were just a ragtag crew who had gone through a shit hole. Barely holding together as it was. There was no celebatory atmosphere, in fact, it felt like a funeral. Everyone quiet and expressionless.
It just wasn't the same without her.
No one said anything as they all just stood there taking in the rising sun, taking in the day, taking in life. There was nothing that could be said.
James could still remember everything that had happened. Who could forget?
The eerie light of the transport beam casting a bright light on everything. Dousing everything in greys and whites, giving it all a dreamlike quality. The only color was the red reaper beams cutting through everything. Husks running at people, soldiers getting decimated by the reaper ground forces, tanks cut in half and tossed up in the air by reapers. The noise was deafening, the ground was constantly shaking, debris was flying everywhere. It was chaos.
And there they had been, the three of them in the middle of it all. Shepard, Garrus, and him all running towards the beam dodging bullets and tanks, and shooting down husks and marauders. The adrenaline rushing through their bodies, the feeling of invincibility that seemed to course in their veins, the freedom that the battlefield presented.
Then of course, at the most critical moment, it was James' luck that he got hit by a flying tank and grazed by a reaper beam that could have completely disintegrated him. He still hated himself for that, not being able to stay with Shepard, not being able to do anything for her.
Lola cared too much about her crew. She was always there standing in front of them taking the brunt of the pain, the tragedies, the hardships.
And even during a fucking war with all life in the galaxy hanging in the balance, she wanted to save the Normandy, the crew, her friends.
Talk about pulling a stunt. James jumped down onto the dirt floor and looked around at the peaceful environment. Wildlife untouched by dirty hands.
"There's a lot to do lieutenant." Garrus said in a matter of fact way that reminded James that Garrus was a Turian. Although, it was obvious that the absence of his greatest friend was tearing him apart inside just as much as it was anyone else.
Joker didn't say anything, he had been silent ever since everyone realized they had won. The ship had been silent for a time now.
"You think we can make it back somehow?" James spotted a rock and sat on it and he looked at Garrus who was sizing the ship up. The crew had managed to figure out that the mass relays had gone to hell when they tried to make a jump back to the Sol system. Nothing was really working anymore.
"Who do you think you're talking to?" Scars drawled as his mandibles twitched. His voice was a hoarse rumble.
James laughed softly, "Glad to see that some things didn't change." he commented absently.
His mind went back to Lola.
He could still remember the way she looked at him before she turned her back on the crew and ran towards the beam by herself.
Hell...he could remember with disturbing clarity how she looked before turning her back on him in a way that felt like it would be the final time.
Face flushed from exerting herself, eyes sharp and alert, the curve of her lips hinting at fear, the way her brows knitted together unconsciously. The coldness that peaked through the gentle expression on her face as she looked at him. It had been a strange contrast, and one that James couldn't figure out no matter how many times his mind went back to that moment.
There had been blood on her face, her armor, and even in her hair. She had smelled distinctly of gun oil and smoke.
"Go!" she had yelled as loud as she could over the sounds of the ongoing fight.
Without thinking, James had reached out to grab her before she left, but he had been too late, his fingers had only grasped at air. He could only watch as she ran pathetically draped around Scars' shoulder.
There had been a renewed determination on her face as she turned away and she radiated power.
What a sight to see, he had thought to himself staring after Lola even when the doors had closed and he couldn't see her anymore.
"Are you thinking about her?" a voice interrupted his thoughts.
"What?" James looked up to see that Joker was standing front of him although he didn't know how long the pilot had been there.
"You're thinking about her aren't you?" the pilot was uncharacteristically serious, it didn't need to be said that Shepard was the person in question. This was the first time he had spoken after being hit with the realization that EDI was gone.
They could hear the rest of the crew members begin to walk out of the ship and stretch out their limbs, assess the damage of the Normandy, and just make conversation with each other. Anything to distract themselves of the situation at hand.
"Yeah.." James replied quietly. There was no use denying it now. Something in his gut told him that Shepard was gone, "I'm thinking about her all the time now." He didn't want to believe it, he wanted to hope, but he was weak...
Joker nodded slightly and pulled his cap over his eyes hiding them from view. He didn't say anything else as he slowly hobbled off.
James could only look straight ahead of himself now. He wanted to see her. Even if it was just a corpse. He just needed to see her with his own eyes. He remembered the last night they had spent together. The warmth her body exuded, the smell of her hair. The way she laughed and looked up at his face as she lie down next to him.
He shut his eyes and buried his head into his hands trying to get himself together. He didn't want to break apart. Not right now. James took a sharp breath and looked up trying to ground himself in the present. The sun was shining, the wind was blowing. He was alive.
"I am yours of course." Shepard's voice whispered in his mind. His memories of her refused to hide even for a second, "I'm yours and no one else's." there had been a smile on her face as looked into his eyes and said those very words.
But how wrong she was.
She had never belonged to him.
She had never belonged to anyone.
She hadn't even belonged to herself.
Not the Alliance, not Cerberus, not even humanity.
She belonged to the world.
The world had already claimed her once with space being the lucky one to swallow her whole for a brief moment and when she had been wrenched from its grasp thanks to the Lazuras Project...James gritted his teeth and looked down at the ground, the dirt under his feet. The world had come back with a vengeance, and determined to take her back had brought a war with it.
"Mine." he had whispered as he buried his face into the slope of her neck and planted a soft kiss on her warm skin almost with reverence.
It wasn't about owning anything or anyone when they had uttered those words. It wasn't about that kind of twisted possessiveness that lovers occasionally felt with each other.
I will endure you.
They only had one night together.
I miss you Lola. James exhaled sharply and tried to stave away the waves of pain that were beginning to pull him under. Their time together had been too short, the kisses exchanged not enough...It had only been the beginning for them.
"Holding up okay there?" a voice interrupted James' thoughts making him look up to see who it was. Esteban.
"Yeah." James mumbled and straightened up a little as the shuttle pilot stopped a few feet from him. There was no pity on the dark face that stared back at him, in fact there only seemed to be a resigned acceptance of what had happened. It happens to the best of us.
"Mr. Vakarian told me to tell you that a Geth dreadnought was coming in to help us with repairs." his voice was smooth and almost nonchalant. Cortez looked away from James' face and turned his eyes elsewhere. The way James looked right now painfully reminded him of the time he had lost his own love.
James didn't bother asking how the Geth knew they were there or how they were coming to this forsaken planet. He didn't care.
There was a comfortable silence as the two men sank into their own thoughts for a while. They were okay not filling the air with meaningless small talk. Sometimes, sharing silence was the best form of communication.
"How did you handle it?" James asked almost inaudibly. He felt so awkward asking but he had to know. Esteban probably understood him better than anyone right now...well him and Joker, but the Normandy pilot seemed to shut everything out with EDI gone. He seemed to prefer time to himself rather than the company of others.
Cortez looked at James a little bit startled at the question. He wasn't expecting him to talk about it at all, in fact he had been ready to leave since it seemed more likely that James would turn him away.
The question wasn't an easy one to answer and he knew that Mr. Vega wouldn't accept anything but honesty. He paused wondering if he should say it. Would it do more harm than good? Cortez looked at the hunched figure of James, "I didn't." his voice was soft and the wind seemed to blow his words away scattering them to different places on the foreign planet.
James let out a sharp laugh and sighed, "I get it." he stood up with a little groan and stretched out the kinks in his lower back. Being a soldier aged him too fast, "Thanks Esteban." he patted the bewildered shuttle pilot on the shoulder once before walking back to where the Normandy was crash landed.
He didn't handle it. James couldn't help but let a wry smile take over his mouth. How could anyone handle it?
He hadn't done anything for her.
Nothing, even up to the last moment they had shared.
What had been the point of him being there when he couldn't do anything?