When James slept he always dreamed of her.

And it was always the same dream.

He sighed and slowly sat up in the darkness trying to blink away the dream and orient himself to his room. Instead of sleeping in the crew quarters like everyone else, James preferred to sleep on his cot in the shuttle bay. Something about the privacy in the bay was more to his liking right now rather than sharing a room with a bunch of other people.

The dreams always left a weight pressing against his chest and a bad taste in his mouth.

James checked the time on his omni-tool.

0300

"Dammit." he muttered and let his head rest in his hands. The thin cot squeaked a little underneath him and he almost wanted to just throw it across the shuttle bay. Everything was irritating him lately. Probably from lack of sleep. Ever since he'd had those dreams, he was never able to sleep for more than a few hours a night. The strange thing was that he never felt fatigued.

They were still en route to the sol system and the jump back to earth wasn't proving as easy as everyone made it out to seem. Especially with the change in mass relays which made Joker grumble and make snarky comments a lot more than usual because the jumps always seemed to take something off the Normandy. First it was the tip of the left wing and the second jump shaved off a metal plate from the top of the ship. The first time it happened everyone could hear Joker wail from the cockpit.

5 more hours. They only had 5 more hours until they reached earth.

James rubbed his eyes and then turned his body so that his feet were now on the cold floor. The silent hum (with the occasional clanking sounds) were the only noises that could be heard and it strangely gave him a peace of mind. Something that he couldn't find anywhere else.

Standing up, James stretched out his arms and turned on the light at his table, squinting at the sudden brightness James then fumbled around the area until his hands touched the cold metal bars of the weights he had set aside. If all else fails, exercise will fix it. Trying not to think of anything else, he started his reps hoping that the physical strain would somehow lift some of the weight off his mind.

-.-.

A few hours had passed and while James was finishing up taking a shower, everyone had woken up and was gathering around the dining table for breakfast when Joker's voice suddenly came over the intercom.

"Um...you guys might want to see this." his voice was quiet and then the speakers went silent.

James froze as he toweled his hair dry and then he hurriedly threw his clothes on and ran out out of the shower and straight towards the cockpit ignoring everyone else. He didn't know why he ran, he just did, and when he got to the cockpit, he was alone with Joker. Everyone had gone to the observation deck instead.

"What is it?" he asked and looked at the silent pilot who just pointed out the window wordlessly. Something about Joker's expression made James reluctant to look and for a moment he refused to turn his head. He was afraid.

But it couldn't be avoided and sooner or later he would have to see for himself. Steeling himself, James turned his head and let his eyes adjust to the darkness of space and when he saw what was out there he felt his body tense up, "Shit." James cursed under his breath.

They had made the last jump to the sol system and they were now in plain view of earth. It was not the earth that made them go silent however, but what seemed to be surrounding the planet.

"Is that supposed to be what's left of the Citadel?" Joker asked, his body seemed to shrink as realization began to sink in.

James could feel his hands curl up into fists. It was difficult to hold back from tearing himself out of there. He just wanted to leave, he didn't want to see any of this. They had not known what was going to happen to the Citadel much less the consequences that the Prothean device would bring but this was...

"Fuck this shit." James managed to spit and he stalked out of the cockpit trying to keep his anger and despair at bay. There was nothing left of the place. Maybe blackened pieces and some melted items that couldn't be identified. But the spread of debris was massive and seemed to blanket the whole planet.

Then what about Shepard? What about Lola? She couldn't have still been there when the place blew to bits right? She would have found a way out?

He slammed his fist against the elevator button and when the doors opened he pressed the button for the shuttle bay hoping that he wouldn't see anyone there. His hopes were dashed only adding to his anger when he saw the lone presence of Esteban in the shuttle bay working at his table. But what could James do? There was nowhere else to go and it was guaranteed that if he went anywhere else people would hound him about his feelings.

At least Esteban could read the mood.

Cortez looked up when he heard someone enter the shuttle bay and saw James stalking over to his own place without a word or glance his way. He had expected this in a way but it was scarier than he had anticipated. The silence that James held was in its own way terrifying and comparable to when Shepard got serious about finding a way to destroy someone. He was a little weary of how Mr. Vega would act out later on.

James immediately headed for the punching bag set up in the corner and without waiting for anything he swung his fist at the already worn bag. The impact against his calloused knuckles sent a shock up his arm and the bag swung wildly but he swung again. His mind had gone blank and the only thing left was the shell of someone he had once been.

-.-.

"I shouldn't have said anything." Joker spoke bitterly to Cortez. He felt guilty about showing James what he thought the lieutenant wanted to see.

The Normandy was still in orbit waiting for a path to be cleared and for a docking port to be opened in London. The crew members had come and gone one by one notifying Joker quietly about what happened to James. The one who decided to stay was Cortez who had left when James had started to swing at the punching bag wildly.

"Don't worry Mr. Joker." Cortez reassured the panicking pilot, "He's not mad at you." he was leaning against the control board of the Normandy which had been inactivated just in case an inappropriate button was pushed. For some reason, he found himself in the position of helping others now more than ever...which was ironic in itself when it was Shepard who had helped him through the worst parts of it when no one else had.

"I know but it still leaves me with a bad feeling." Joker mumbled. His eyes were still glued to the scene outside. The moment that they had landed from the jump Joker had almost fallen out of his seat in shock when he was confronted with the view. The Citadel he had expected to see was gone and in its place was wreckage and debris.

Cortez was silent for a moment as he crossed his arms over his chest, "I hope the commander is okay though." his voice was quiet and almost inaudible but in the small cockpit and silence the words seemed louder than ever.

Joker looked away from the view and opted to look up instead. His cap casting a shadow over his eyes, "Well, we can't have everything turn into a happy ending." his voice was bitter. No he didn't hate Shepard for the consequences that her actions brought how could he? He was just cynical like that. He wasn't a fan of thinking positively. Realistic was the way to go, in his book at least.

And realistically speaking...there was no way Shepard could have survived.

Cortez turned his eyes downward. Yeah...realistically speaking there was no way that even the commander could have survived...

There was a sudden beep that startled Cortez and Joker from their serious contemplating and for a moment the two men could stare at the flashing button indicating that a message had been patched through.

"Are you going to get that?" Cortez asked after a pause and glance at Joker who had just frozen.

"It's a message." Joker's voice was faint and there was some kind of unidentifiable emotion lurking in it.

"I understand Mr. Joker, but aren't you going to answer it?" Cortez asked feeling a little confused. It was just a message, probably from Hackett or another Alliance officer alerting them that they could dock.

"No you don't understand." Joker's voice was panicked and he looked at Cortez, "See the color?" he pointed a shaking finger at the button, "It's red, it's flashing red!" he was starting to breathe hard.

"I see that Mr. Joker." Cortez turned his full attention to the panicking pilot trying to figure out what was going on, "What does the red color mean?"

Joker took a deep calming breath and looked at Cortez, "That color is coded to Shepard." his voice turned into a whisper.

Cortez felt himself go cold and they both looked at the blinking light.