Weeks passed and nothing.
Which was strange because James was sure that there was something.
But all attempts to trace the individual, any attempts to question the rare witnesses, anything at all would somehow be misdirected and blocked.
Always back to square one.
James set down the data pad down onto the steel table overflowing with other data pads and pieces of paper. Maybe he should just give up, by now he had given up hope. It was safer to assume that Shepard was gone for good.
The doors hissed open after a beep and when James glanced over at the entrance he saw Cortez step inside of the studio apartment with a bag of takeout, "How's it going there Mr. Vega?" he asked as he walked over and set down the food next to James who opened it eagerly.
The higher ups had wanted to James working inside HQ but he had respectfully declined and instead, had rented himself a studio apartment not too far. No one entered...rather no one could enter unless James manually coded them into the security system. Esteban was the only one that could freely come and go as he pleased, well, him and the other former Normandy members but their visits were rare since they were often busy with their official duties.
That didn't mean James never went out, he still attended mandatory debriefings and conferences with the team still trying to track down this mysterious person. He didn't talk more than was necessary though and didn't try to form friendships with the team.
"Mmmmm." James dug into his food with a biodegradable fork and grinned up at Esteban, "You always seem to know what I want to eat." he chose to ignore the question. Anyone could tell with one look that it wasn't going well.
Cortez let out a soft sigh and then smiled at James as he took a seat across from James. The man looked haggard and smaller than ever. Desk work didn't suit him, going out into the field did. But for whatever reason, he noticed that James would become silent whenever the topic came up. Cortez looked around the grey apartment, weapons were out of sight, there was nothing reminiscent of the military that could be seen, "Why don't you go out anymore Mr. Vega?" he asked before he could stop himself.
James paused for a moment and then resumed eating with a laugh, "What are you talking about Esteban? I go out all the time." his insides were beginning to become unsettled. It was getting too close to the topic he had wanted to avoid at all costs if possible.
"You know what I mean." Cortez turned his eyes to James and stayed there. He didn't mean for the conversation to turn out this way, but since it already had, he was going to stick with it, "The top didn't say anything about restricting you from going out onto the field and actively searching. The old you would have jumped right in without a second thought."
His words seemed to strike something inside of James and the veteran set down his boxed up food onto the table, he leaned back into the faux black leather chair with a tired sigh. He knew he wouldn't be able to avoid this no matter what, the look on Esteban's face was saying that he wouldn't let it go until they talked about it.
"I'm not ready." James muttered.
Silence.
"What do you mean?" Cortez asked a little surprised at the confession.
"I mean..." James sat forward and placed his elbows on his knees as he looked at him, "I'm not ready to go back out there searching for something or someone that might not even exist. I'm not ready for that kind of pain again." it was the truth, albeit just a part of it. He would never admit it to Esteban but the other reason why he wouldn't go out onto the field again was because he had lost confidence in his abilities as a soldier. The nightmares where he saw Shepard turn away from him never stopped. If only he had been good enough to stay uninjured. He could have gone with her. Then maybe none of this would have happened.
Cortez grew silent. Truthfully, no one had been ready to go back out into active duty after what had happened. All the pain...all the losses that each individual experienced wasn't something to be underestimated. And pain was subjective. Just because everyone else was managing it didn't mean that others were able to. James wasn't like everyone else, he was James. Just like how everyone else was everyone else.
"I know that maybe this case would close faster if I went out there myself." James looked down at the floor and then he straightened up, "But right now, I'm not ready to go back out there." he looked at Esteban who just nodded in understanding, "Thanks Esteban." he flashed him a grin and then went back to eating.
There was nothing that Cortez could say to that, especially when he could almost understand the depth of the pain that James carried with him. He just wondered if the lieutenant would ever be ready. Call it intuition, but he could already see where this was headed, and there was rarely a time when his intuition failed him.
Cortez stood up to leave. He had a scheduled maintenance arriving at the docking port where he now worked day shifts, just something to keep his mind off of everything, "Well, just remember that the commander would have done everything she could to find you no matter how small the chance." he knew the words that he had spoken were harsh even with the gentle tone he used. The words had been unfair and by his standards, it was low of him.
He knew the blow he had dealt James was almost a fatal one by the way the lieutenant's shoulders seemed to stiffen and then slump, the expression on his face frozen, the way his hands trembled almost dropping the box of takeout.
He couldn't help it though. Immediate regret overtook the anger and frustration he had previously felt in an instant, but it was too late and the words he said had already taken their toll. There was no going back anymore. He could already see the future of their relationship. Awkward and tense.
James looked at Cortez almost as if he couldn't believe what he had just heard but Cortez turned away and walked out of the studio apartment without another word. He regretted it all. His emotions had gotten the best of him this time and there was nothing he could do.
-.-.
James watched in silence as Esteban walked out without saying anything else.
"...the commander would have done everything she could to find you no matter how small the chance."
The words echoed in his head almost accusingly. He knew that Esteban meant well, he would never say something intentionally to hurt another person, but those words seemed to hit him like a Brute running full force. A dam seemed to break inside of him and he could feel the guilt and shame rapidly spill out and fill his body like a small cup trying to fit a waterfall inside of itself. Unbearable.
He buried his head into his hands and took a deep breath trying to quell the pain. The emotions threatened to spill out of his eyes with a warmth that he despised. Once again, everything he was and everything he stood for was betraying him. Even his own mind.