Chapter Fourteen:
The Nightmare of Milky Joe
Salem sat on a chair, flipping through the pages of a fashion magazine, when Howard and Vince walked into the room. She looked over to their smiling faces.
"You two seem happy." She stated, smiling over at them.
"We're going to the states, to be on tv." Howard said. Salems' face dropped at the news, but smiled sadly at them.
"Yea, and after that, we will never return to this place again." Vince added. Salem stood, her heart sinking into her stomach.
"Well, I wish you both the best of luck." She said sadly, and walked into her room, shutting the door quietly, before huge crashing noises could be heard through her door.
Naboo and Bollo walked out of the hallway, looking at the smiling men.
"What's her problem?" Naboo asked, gesturing his head towards Salems room. A loud crash was heard, followed by silence and the muttering of curses.
"No idea. We just told her we were going to the states." Vince said, looking over at the girls door. Naboo threw his head back with a sigh, running his hand over his face.
"You shouldn't just spring things like that on her. She's been a bit unstable as of late." Naboo said exhausted, and sat down on the couch.
"Well we planned for her to go too." Howard said.
"Did you tell her that?" Bollo said, taking a seat next to Naboo.
"Shit." The men said hanging their heads.
The men gave Salem some space, before playing paper rock scissors, to see who would disturb the girl.
I won, you go." Howard said, nudging Vince towards the door. Vince hesitated to knock, looking back at Howard. Howard gestured for him to go ahead. Vince felt his knuckles rap on the door, turning to look at his friend, he noticed Howard had disappeared.
"Come in." Salems' voice rang, coming out muffled from the door. Vince stepped into the girls room, finding her sitting on her bed, looking through a photo album.
"What's that?" He asked, taking a seat next to her. She smiled sadly, and moved the album between them.
"It's pictures of all our adventures." She said, pointing out every situation the trio had found themselves in, as well as a few candid ones of their tight group.
"...I'm gonna miss you..." She said, looking up from the album and at Vince.
"See that's what I came in here for. I... I mean we wanted you to come with us, you know... to the states." Vince said, stuttering uncharacteristically. Salems face lit up in a brilliant smile.
"Really? You... you mean, you guys wanted to take me with you?" She asked. Vince nodded. The girl lept up and wrapped her arms around his neck, knocking him over and onto the floor, her hovering above him.
"This is so great! It'll be amazing!... Oh no, what do I wear. Shit, I have to pack!" She squealed, jumping off of the blushing man and running about her room looking through her possessions. Vince sat up and smiled at the sight.
"Well, I best be packing too." He said, standing up and reaching the door.
"Yea... Hey Vince?" She called to him. He turned to see one of her most dazzling smiles.
"Thanks." She said, turning back to her closet and began digging.
A while later, the trio started saying their good byes to Naboo and Bollo, before leaving to board the ship.
The men sat on the beach of an uninhabited island, arguing over Vince cutting the captains hair.
"Well, you shouldn't have done it while he was sleeping." Howard scolded.
"I cut your hair when your sleeping." Vince said.
"You do not, my hair doesn't grow very fast." Howard rebuked.
"What? You think your hair stays that length naturally?" Vince argued. Howard remained silent.
"I do my best work when your asleep, I go in there, lean you up against the pillows and go to town on you." Vince said in all innocence.
"You're a sick man, that's what you are." Howard batted.
"And what about Salems' hair, hmm? Do you go in and 'go to town' on her as well?" Howard asked, trying to ruffle Vince.
"No. Her hairs beautiful as it is. I can't find anything to do to it without ruining it." He said looking down.
"Speaking of, where is she?" Vince said, looking around, Howard copying him.
A wave crashed onto the beach, depositing a very wet red head onto it. Salem coughed, and sputtered, water splashed out of her mouth and onto the soft sand below her.
"Salem!" The duo shouted, running over to her. They knelt next to her, Howard rubbing and patting her back, while Vince gathered up her hair which had fallen out from the waves of water. Howard looked over and found their bags washed up on the beach. He ran to get them before the waves washed them back out to sea.
Vince pulled Salem up, helping her walk over to the clearing they had been in. She leaned against him, still dizzy from the expulsion of water from her lungs. Her breathing was heavy and her body was shaking as Vince sat her down on the sand, leaning her gently against a rock.
"Th-thanks, guys." She said, smiling shakily. The men nodded and sat down.
Several days had gone by for the trio. Howard had started writing about the days on various little notes, Vince working on his hair, while Salem explored the tiny island. There was no life, and the plants were hardly edible. Hunger was starting to set in, making Howard become delusional.
"You should offer yourself up to me." Howard ranted.
"Are you coming on to me?" Vince asked, backing up slowly.
"I'm a writer, you should offer yourself up to me. It would be the noble thing to do, just to insure that one of us lives on." Howard said, stalking closer to Vince.
"Are you sure you're not coming on to me?" Vince said, backing up into a tree. A man made entirely of food appeared out of no where.
"Hey, that guy's made of food, let's eat him instead." Vince tried to direct Howards attention away from him. The food man ran away jumping into the sea.
Salem emerged from the trees, appearing next to Vince.
"There's no one here but us now. Offer yourselves up to me." Howard began creeping closer.
"Why don't you offer yourself up to me? I'd be like eating bones. Why don't I go on and write something?" Vince tried to argue.
"Because you can't spell." Howard said.
"Think about it Vince, Salem and I could breed and populate this island..." Howard began rambling. Salem felt awkward at the very forward statement, looking back she saw coconuts on the tree, she backed up to it and began to climb. Vince had finally hit the tree with his back. Salem waited for Howard to get within range, aiming a coconut at his head she threw it. Howard dropped to the ground.
"Look, Howard. Coconuts." Vince said shaking the tree, causing Salem to fall. Luckily Vince saw her, and reached his arms out, catching her.
A/N: If you haven't seen this episode, this is where the hallucinations begin ...
The trio sat in a circle, eating the sweet fruits.
"These taste like chocolates. The outsides not so much." Vince said. Salem shook her head, but didn't say anything. Howard began writing about time. She ignored the men as they began arguing and left them alone, opting to take a walk along the beach. The water was cool on her feet, as she took in the scenery surrounding her. The wide open sea, the bright blue sky, the beige color of the sand. The trees even seemed brighter and greener than any she had ever seen, it was like she was seeing the world in technicolor for the first time.
The sound of shouting wafted across the breeze and into her ears, making her turn around and head back towards the duo. She noticed there was a line drawn in the sand, each man on their own side.
"... All the trees are on my side." Vince yelled.
"I'm re drawing the line." Howard said, noticing Vince was right. Salem let out a sigh.
"Whose side are you on?" They both asked, looking at the girl.
"I'm Switzerland!" She yelled, throwing her hands up in the air and sitting on the line. Vince staring at her confused, while Howard allowed himself to chuckle under his breath.
Salem had gone to both sides of the island, gathering supplies to keep them all alive. She fashioned herself a pair of shorts and a halter top out of some of the large leaves and small vines around the island. She made a small hut from bamboo closer to the beachy area, but still in the middle of Vince and Howard. She dug herself a fire pit, and had already gathered some drying and dead brush to keep it going.
After completing her mental check list, she stepped outside the small back entrance. She looked around, Vince had made his hut look nice, with flowers and various other plant life. Howards looked more primitive, with what looked like washed up metal and stone with some petrified wood elements.
Howard sat outside his hut, talking to a coconut on a stick, dressed in a striped garment. A face crudely drawn on the coconut. Salem shook her head.
"This can't end well..." She thought looking up. She walked along the line, which now had a fence being constructed by Vince, and greeted the lonely looking man and coconut.
"Hello Howard." She said sweetly.
"Ah, Salem. Come over and sit for a while would you?" Howard offered. She smiled and sat down on the ground.
"Salem, I want you to meet Milky Joe. He's another intellectual, we were just discussing the jazz movements of the 30s, any input on that?" Howard asked.
"I've already told you, Howard, that I love all forms of music. I can't rightfully favor one over the other." She said smiling. Her love of music causing a twinkle in her eyes. Vince walked out and around his house, watering various plants.
Salem stood up, excusing herself from the man and coconut, and walked over to the fence.
"Hello, Vince." She said smiling at him, he turned, returning the smile.
"Hello, Salem." He replied. His ears caught the sound of Howard talking, and looked around her.
"Who are you talking to?" Vince asked him. Salem knew this would break out into another argument, waving good bye she walked back into her hut, and began constructing a barrette out of bamboo and flowers that could be interchangeable.
Soft whispers could be heard a few yards away from her hut, as she opened the door and stepped out. Listening in, she overheard them talking about a new coconut girl named Ruby. Salem rolled her eyes and walked up to the pair.
"Hey guys, what seems to be the matter?" She asked. Howard rolled his eyes taking his leave while Vince smiled at her.
"Come in, I want you to meet someone." Vince said, leading her to the doorway of his hut.
"Salem, this is Ruby." He introduced. Salem smiled and waved at the coconut girl.
"Ruby, this is Salem." He finished the introduction.
"It's a pleasure to meet you, Ruby. I'm sorry for the interruption, I'll leave you two be." She said, turning to leave, Vince showing her out.
Salem watched from a window as Vince walked along with two coconut girls. She slammed her palm onto her face, running down to her chin. She watched as the two men conversed over trying to get Howard and the new girl, Precious, together. She sighed, watching them go on.
Salem soon became bored and went to talk to Milky Joe.
"I don't see this ending well at all." She confessed to the coconut man, who remained still.
"I know, I shouldn't think that way... but you haven't been around them as long as I have, no offense." She said.
"Jealous? No, never jealous. Envious, maybe, but nothing that I can't live with peacefully." She said.
"Make him jealous? Please, I'm almost certain that I have been friend zoned." She replied.
"You really think so Milky?" She asked the coconut man.
"You're too kind, sir." She replied to the silent man.
"...Now you're assuming a bit much of me." She said, looking slightly annoyed.
"Don't worry, I forgive you." She said flashing a smile at Milky.
Salem watched as Howard and Precious began going on dates, and as Vince and Ruby seemed to be exploring more intimate things with one another, as well as several other girl coconut people.
A light knock came at the door of Salems' hut. She got up from her cot and walked to the door, cracking it slightly.
"Salem, hey. You know, there's a party going on down at the beach, I... that is, Ruby and I would love it if you could come." Vince said. He had started to feel guilty for dating Ruby lately and it was cracking his normal fascade.
"Sure Vince. I'll come right now." She said, flashing him a bright smile that made his heart race once more.
"I'll be there in a bit, I've just got to go get Howard." Vince said. Salem nodded and made her way to the party. She stood in a corner, examining all the coconut people, not knowing what to do.
Vince appeared, giving a kiss to Ruby, making her heart sink just a bit more, as he walked about the gathering. She watched as he made flirty comments to some of the other lady coconuts, and shook her head.
"Great... I'm envious of coconuts now... what next? His microphone?" She thought, pinching the bridge of her nose. Not seeing Howard around, she began to worry. Seeing as Vince began to totally ignore her, she left towards Howards' hut.
She knocked on the door. Howard answered it, one of his eyes were black.
"What happened there?" She asked. Howard looked down and she automatically knew what had happened. She pushed her way inside, and past Howard.
"You bitch! You think you can just beat up on my Howard like that? I don't think so sister." Salem said, getting in the coconut womans face.
"Oh really? Come at me then!" She yelled, the coconut woman began to move, attacking Salem. Precious scratched as Salems' face, leaving a gash across her cheek. Howard saw that and had had enough. He grabbed Precious off of Salem and threw her to the ground. When Precious stopped moving, and coconut milk started draining from her head, Howard knew he had gone too far.
"Are you alright?" He asked, kneeling down to Salems' side. She nodded and leaned into his chest.
"Yes, Howard. I think so." She said, catching her breath. Howard held her close, taking in her scent despite himself.
"Roses and lavender." He thought to himself. He pulled back slightly, staring into her cosmic eyes. He felt his face getting closer to hers, breaths mingling together in a strange symphony. He placed his lips lightly upon hers before both pulled back.
"That was... like..." She started.
"... Kissing my... Grandmother..." Howard finished the statement. Salem blanched then smiled up at him. Both stood up, having settled the question of their relationship. Howard looked over at the body of Precious, panic settling into his heart.
"You need to get out of here. I'll come and get Vince soon." Howard said, escorting Salem out the door. She nodded and went to walk on the beach in the direction she had gone off too.
She looked around and found some sand and mud, placing it around the scratch on her face to make it look as if she had fallen. She made her way back to the party, seeing Vince flirt with some more women and kissing on Ruby.
"Hey, you, where have you been?" He asked. Salem rolled her eyes.
"I went on a walk, seeing as how you were ignoring me." She replied, taking a drink from the small table and sipping it.
"I'm sorry alright. Ruby's a bit kinky though, and she likes to have other women too." Vince explained, looking her straight in the eye. He noticed the gash and immediately started to panic on the inside.
"What happened there?" He asked, pointing to the gash.
"I tripped and fell on a small rock on the way back. I was going to go clean it off when I went back home." She said, looking away from him. He stepped closer to her.
"You're a horrible liar." He whispered in her ear. She shivered at the close proximity of his face.
"You'll get the truth soon enough." She whispered back, making him shiver this time. She backed away from him, and walked over to Milky Joe.
"Yea, I tripped and cut it on a rock. Would you mind coming and helping me bandage it?" She asked the man, escorting him to her hut.
Howard walked up to Vince, insisting that he come with him for a moment. Vince followed Howard to his hut, and walked through the door.
"What happened?" Vince asked.
"Salem came over and confronted her about my black eye. Precious attacked her viciously. When I came out of the stupor it put me in, I pulled Precious off of Salem. She must have fallen over when I told Salem to leave" Howard said. Vince, now knowing the truth, knew why Salem had refused to tell the truth.
"Well, it doesn't matter now. We've got to get rid of the body." Vince said. The duo picked the coconut corpse up and walked along the shadows, burying it deep under the ground.
Vince pulled up in a car made of twigs and honked. Howard came out of his hut. Vince smiled and waved. Howard got in the car as they walked to Salems' hut.
"So, you and Salem eh?" Vince tried to tease, hiding the jealousy that was starting to form.
"If you must know... no. We discovered that we share a sibling like bond." Howard said, looking out the window. Vince inwardly cheered, pulling up to the hut. Salem was sitting outside, relaxing in the breeze.
"Hey, Salem!" Vince yelled. She looked back at the pair and smiled. She walked up to the car and got in. The sirens sounded off behind them. Vince drove as fast as he could only to end up crashing into a tree.
The trio sat in a court room. The accusations of murdering Precious being thrown at them. Howard thought he had and ace in the hole, but Milky Joe turned on him, throwing even more accusations at him, Vince and her. They were found guilty.
Their heads sat on pegs as a coconut person version of Hitcher called the people to pay him 1 Euro to throw a ball at them. Their heads fell as the trio screamed.
End Hallucinations
Cold water splashed against their fevered skin.
"What was that for?" Vnce asked. A sailor stood above the trio with a bucket in his hands.
"It looked like you were having a coco nightmare. You've been eating rancid coconuts, makes you go coco- loco. The boats here to take you back." He said, motioning a small circle next to his head with his finger, then leading them to the boat.
The trio entered Naboos' shop and trudged up the stairs with the little bit of luggage they had. Salem went into her room to set things down first, before flopping into her comfy chair.
"I thought you guys were going to be gone for good?" Naboo asked.
"We're not." The two men said in unison. The tv went to a random show, Bob Fossil hosting it and making very awkward shapes.
"... You love him, I love him and my wife loves him, a little too much if you know what I mean. It's Milky Joe and the coconuts!" Fossil announced on the tv. The trio screamed in horror, Salem diving behind the couch in fear.