The Inquisitor's Ghost
Author's Note: This chapter has a soundtrack: Think by Kaleida.
Chapter 15 – Fears and Sacrifices
Let the blade pass through the flesh
Let my blood touch the ground
Let my cries touch their hearts
Let mine be the last sacrifice
- Andraste 7:12
The Inquisitor blew into the throne room at Skyhold like a cyclone. The people gathered there gasped at her appearance. Her superior hunter armor was covered in dirt, grim, and blood that was both hers and others. She stormed through the throne room and people jumped out of her way, like those out of the path of a bull.
Ember didn't even notice them.
The Inquisition's attack on the Adamant Fortress had gone awry. Warden-Commander Clarel had been killed by Corypheus' dragon, which had resulted in the bridge they'd been standing on being sundered and Hawke, King Alistair, Ember, Cole, Solas, and Varric plummeting toward the Abyssal Rift – a deep chasm that the fortress stood on that was believed to run as far down as the Deep Roads. Panicking, Ember had used the Anchor to form a rift and they had all fallen into it, allowing them to pass safely into the Fade.
An enormous block of feeling solidified in her chest, weighing heavy as if a boulder had been dropped there as she remembered how Cole had reacted when they'd entered the Fade in physical form.
"No. No, no, no, no!" Cole cried in anguish, stumbling backward and falling to the ground floor, utterly terrified, nearly crippled by his fear. "This is the Fade, but I'm stuck. I can't… why can't I…?" He made a sound like a whine of pain and gasp of agony as his body curled into itself. "I can't be here. Not like this, not like me!"
Ember's throat tightened and her eyes pricked with hot tears at the memory. His distress had been so strong it had almost been tangible. It had been heart-wrenching to hear, and she'd tried everything to lessen it for him.
A bubble of helplessness laced with rage burst in her gut and she yanked her helmet off. She gritted her teeth and threw her helmet against the wall of the throne room, startling the crowd and causing them to flee from her.
She ran up the steps to her quarters, but found nothing. She searched the atrium, the library, the eastern wall. Nothing. As she continued to search, her mind became plagued with the memory of the last words Hawke had said to her right before the Champion had sacrificed herself to save them all.
Hawke's smile was brilliant, her eyes glowing with life again. "Do not worry, Ember. He's waiting for me. Don't cry. I want this. I want to see my Fenris again. Please, don't cry. Heroes don't cry."
Hawke tilted Ember's chin up so she could look into her watery eyes. "Like I always say, it is a feat of great strength to be able to walk up to the devil, stare evil right in the eye, and return him to hell." Hawke chuckled. "Let me return this demon beasty to hell."
Hawke stepped back from her then. "Go," she ordered. "Go now." Hawke turned on her heel and marched toward the giant demon with her head held high. After a few steps, she looked over her shoulder and called back with a smirk, "Oh, and when you meet your devil, Ember dear, do be sure to stab him in the heart for me, would you?"
Ember took all the hurt and anger and pain she was now feeling and channeled it exactly where it need to be channeled: at Corypheus. When she met up with her devil again, she would do more than just stab him.
But she couldn't think of that now. Right now she had to find Cole. The moment they'd returned from the Fade he'd disappeared. That was three days ago. She'd had every Inquisition soldier and agent look for him before they were forced to leave the conquered fortress. She'd hoped to see him the moment they'd returned to Skyhold. But she didn't. She was freaking out now, worried out of her mind. She had to find him.
She knew why Cole had disappeared. It was because of what the fear demon had said while they'd been in the Fade. The demon's words had really gotten to Cole, really hurt him, as they were intended too. They had also gotten to her, frightening her even more than she already was, despite her best attempts not to let them get under her skin.
"There's a monster in your midst, little girl. It hides in your home, lurks in your room, waits under your bed."
Ember shook her head trying to get the fear demon's words out of her mind, but they returned, relentless, causing dread to trickle down her spine.
"This monster isn't all tentacles, claws, and teeth. This one is far less obvious. This one hides behind sweet smiles and honest eyes, veiled behind a façade of innocence and kindness. This one doesn't slip through darkness or hide in shadows. It is the darkness. Made of it. Darkness is its very essence."
"Are you scared yet, little girl? You should be. Cole is not what you think he is. He is not innocent. He is a killer, a murderer. He is a monster. Envy wanted to wear your face. I want to feed on your fear. But Cole… you should fear what it is he wants from you. Cole wants to possess your mind, body, heart, and soul. He wants to take his dagger and slit you open - from throat to gut - and climb inside of you. Don't believe me? I can see into his mind. He desires one thing, and one thing only from you… but you already know what that is, don't you, little girl? Demons do like their mages, don't they? Such fine puppets they make."
Ember ran a shaking hand over her red curls as she finished searching all of the rooms in the keep. Cole wasn't in any of them. Dammit! Where the hell was he?
"Cole will betray you, little girl. Just like all the rest. You'll find a dagger in your back one day, and he'll be the one who put it there."
Ember ignored the trepidation and fear pulsing at the back of her skull from the fear demon's words and raced out of the keep, heading for the Herald's Rest.
Please be there, she prayed. Please let him be there. Please let him be safe and unharmed. Please let him be okay.
She'd never seen Cole act like he did in the Fade, and now she was going out of her mind, so unbelievably concerned about him. She'd never been so worried in all her life. She hated that fear demon. Hated it with all her being. She wished she could kill it again for all of the horrible things it said to Cole.
"She will forget you, Cole."
"You think you matter to her, but you don't. How could a mage ever care for a demon?"
"She will forget you."
"Unlike you, Cole, I know her feelings. I can see into her heart. And do you know what I see? Fear and pain. So much of it she's choking on it. And you put it there. It's all your fault. You bring only death." The fear demon laughed. "Do you remember how she looked at you when you killed that mage? She thinks you're a monster. You are a monster. Just like me. But I can help you forget, Cole. We're so very much alike, you and I."
"She will forget you, Cole. It will be like nothing between you ever happened. Like you never existed."
Ember ignored the comments from those that she passed as she ran up the stairs of the Herald's Rest and burst into Cole's room. The Inquisitor took two steps into his room and her limbs froze and she partially tripped on her suddenly leaden legs. She came to an abrupt halt, her heart dropping like a stone into the pit of her stomach.
She found him there, sitting on the floor, in the dark corner of his room. His head was between his knees and his hands over his head. The light from the single candle on his nightstand flickered this way and that, casting dancing shadows upon his huddled form. His body rocked back and forth and the sight of it caused a wave of pressure to crash from her throat to her gut.
"Demon's words, sharp and cutting, piercing holes in my head." Cole's lowly spoken words cut across the room to her. "Killer, demon, murderer. Monster. Monster. I am a monster…" The words were muttered into his knees while he continued to rock back and forth, and the suffering in his voice pierced her heart.
Ember absently pressed a hand to her chest in a feeble attempt to alleviate the ache there as she stared at the young man she cared so deeply for while he seemed to be shutting down, falling apart, unsure of himself and the world he was in. The despair in him was palpable, transforming her concern into an overwhelming need to do something—anything—to save him from the torment that wracked him. The need to sooth that torment was devastating. And like him, it was her weakness.
Ember approached Cole slowly, cautiously, not wanting to startle him. She knelt beside him on the floor, feeling utterly helpless. Cole's head lifted from between his knees and she felt struck by the sight of those grief-stricken eyes that were rimmed red.
"Fears, terrors, nightmares escape my head. Bolt, bar, lock the doors so they can't get in. Can't let them in. My head… it's splitting at the seams. Ripping, shredding, tearing. I don't know if I can…" His eyes clenched shut and he made a strangled sound. "I'm surrounded by darkness, closing in, pulling me under… I'm… I'm choking on dark."
Those haunted eyes searched hers desperately, revealing the depths of the soul-tearing despair he was feeling, and Ember willed herself not to break down and sob in front of him. She hurt for him in a way she'd never hurt for another human being in her life. She ached for the one who'd done his damnedest to help the innocent people of this world, and bring comfort and healing wherever he went. She ached for the one person who'd done everything in his power to protect her, to keep her safe, to keep her from harm, who now felt like he'd hurt her instead because a fear demon had poisoned his mind with its toxic words.
Doing the only thing she could think of to help him, Ember wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him to her, letting him rest his face in the crook of her neck. She immediately felt his body fall into the sanctuary of her arms. He clutched at her, hugging her to him tightly, his arms gripping her almost painfully. She could feel him trembling, and it pulled at something tender within her heart.
Ember held him to her, stroked his shaggy blonde hair, and pressed light kisses wherever her mouth could reach. Cole gripped her tighter, his touch almost that of a frightened boy, and she instinctively whispered soft, comforting words in his ear. Cole murmured her name as he buried his face in her neck and nestled closer to her.
They sat there, holding on to each other, Cole shivering despite the warmth in the room. But thankfully, after a long time, the awful shaking stopped. She was almost in tears. It hurt her heart to see him in such a vulnerable state.
"Are you alright?" she whispered as her fingers dragged gently through his thick hair, snagging on tangles. "I was so worried about you. I had no idea where you went."
Cole sighed, his hot breath fanning against the sensitive skin of her throat. "Gentle. You watch me walk into darkness over and over, and you always worry. Thank you."
Ember caressed his temple, smoothing his disheveled hair back from his face. "I know you're hurting. I can see how much pain you're in. And I hate seeing you like this… knowing what that demon's words are doing to you." She lightly kissed the top of his head. "Let me help you."
"You have," he murmured, his voice smooth yet gritty. The blood rushed to her cheeks as he leisurely ran the tip of his nose along the full length of her neck, from her shoulder up to her ear. "Safe and solid, lighter and real. The noise inside is quiet now, darkness controlled. I'm brighter when you hold me."
Cole pulled back away from her neck and slowly opened his eyes into hers. "Why are you on the floor?"
She smiled at him while her fingers played with the ends of his hair at the nape of his neck. "Because you're on the floor."
She didn't try to stop him when he pulled out of her arms. He averted his gaze for a few seconds, and when his eyes returned to hers, his expression was so raw and wounded that her heart wanted to break at the sight of it.
"Monster, evil, demon." His voice was grating, so rough, eyes so tortured it hurt staring into them. "Is that what I am? Was Nightmare right?"
"No," she replied firmly, without hesitation. "You don't steal the pain like the nightmare demon at Adamant did. It fed on their fears to grow stronger. You help them heal."
His eyes grew stormy. "I am me. This I know. Will I be more one day, if I help enough? Someone you'd want to stand beside, someone you'd be proud of, someone you could…" His mouth snapped shut. "Or am I always this?" Cole managed to get out past his clenched jaw.
"You are always you," she answered softly.
His chin jerked to the side, turning his face away from her, but she could see the vexation on his face. "Why am I me? Why not someone better?"
She laid a hand upon his smooth, velvety-white cheek, returning his gaze to hers. "Cole, you give everything you are to help others. You bring compassion, helpfulness, and kindness to those around you. You are good, Cole. This world is a better place because you are in it."
"But I don't belong in it," he replied softly with an incredible ache of loneliness. "I've never belonged. Born of shadow that's taken shape. Two worlds, always standing with one foot in each. Unclaimed and unwanted."
"You are wanted, Cole." Her eyes filled with tears and when she spoke her voice shook. "I want you. I want you very much."
His slow grin was irresistible. She found herself staring at it, at him, watching the tiniest nuances of the way his nostrils flared on each breath, the shape of his mouth as it curved up in that most enticing manner, the movement of his eyes as they scanned her face with blatant affection, as if her words were the only words he'd ever wanted to hear.
Ember swallowed, hard. She looked down, pulled shaky hands together in her lap, then straightened her shoulders and forced herself to look at him again. She was intent on starting this conversation.
"Cole," she said. It came out abruptly.
"Yes?" He looked at her, startled.
"I just want… I think we should talk about what happened… you know, when we were sparring…" She broke off and dragged in a slow breath. "Do you understand what that meant?"
He looked puzzled as he shook his head, blonde locks swaying in front of his eyes.
Ember rubbed the back of her neck wondering how she was going to get through this. "We're friends, right?" she asked and he nodded, looking a little more ill at ease than before. "And friends care about each other. They enjoy spending time with each other, listening to each other talk. Friends trust each other. They want to make each other happy. They want to protect each other from harm."
There was a pause before Cole said anything.
"I like it that we're friends," he said, like he was waiting for more.
"But sometimes…" Ember paused and gave him a worried look and forced the rest out in a rush. "Sometimes friends can be more than friends. You care for them as you do a friend, but you are also attracted to them."
His head tilted, eyes questioning. "Attracted?"
She nodded. "It's a physical feeling. I guess you could say it's when your body likes another person because your heart races when you see them, it becomes hard to breathe when they are close to you, and when they touch you… you feel sparks." She cleared her throat. "And they… sometimes they share things with each other, like in… like in the book you read," she finished nearly in a whisper, her cheeks so hot they were roasting.
Cole looked at her. "Is that what the hawk had with the wolf?"
"No. That was… different. They were… well… they were soulmates."
"What's that?"
"Someone you share such a deep and profound connection with that you cannot exist without them."
His head tilted. "Which am I to you?"
Ember knew that she cared about Cole, to a frightening degree, and that she was also unbearably attracted to him. But she also knew it came with disturbing consequences. Cole had gotten into her blood, relentlessly pulling her to something that might put them both in danger and lead to utter desolation if they weren't careful. They ran the risk of unintentionally becoming corrupted beyond recognition.
There was just so much about Cole that neither of them knew. Cole didn't know how his power worked exactly. He didn't know how he'd been able to cross the Veil and assume human form. He was still figuring out his ability to appear invisible to people and to make them forget him. He'd often said that there was a darkness in him that he had to control. It was entirely possible that he was unaware of a part of him that was more demonic than spirit, a part that could take over and consume him given the chance. A part that could hurt instead of heal, possess instead of comfort. There were just so many unknowns, so many risks. She needed him to understand how she felt about him, but also the concerns she harbored.
"You're my friend, Cole. But I'm also… attracted to you." Her brow puckered. "When I'm around you it's hard for me not to want to jump you like I did last time." She gave him a rueful smile and watched the way his cheeks pinkened. "You make me want what no one else ever has," she uttered on a wispy catch of breath.
"I understand this." He touched her chin, lifting it so he could see everything in her eyes. The heat of his fingertips seeped into her skin and she thought the very intensity of his gaze would burn through her. "To touch you… and to feel you. Do you know what that means to me?" His voice was tremulous with emotion, his eyes shifting back and forth between hers. "Do you… do you know what it does to me? How… how much I want it?"
Ember's smile fell slowly from her face. She pulled her chin out of his grasp, needing space to get out her next words. "But I'm afraid of what will happen if we keep…" She averted her gaze, letting her hair fall to hide her face from him. "If I were to be with you the way I want to - and the way I think you want to be with me - I'd be completely open to you and… and…" she sighed, biting her lip. "Well, given what Hawke said about Anders and Justice… and given what we are… I'm afraid that something terrible might happen, whether we intend for it to or not."
Cole frowned in a silence that was as much thoughtful as awkward. Then he spoke, his voice rough and cracking, "What does that mean?"
Ember swallowed. "It means I think… I think we should spend some time apart. At least until we have a better understanding of what we're dealing with."
Cole said nothing. The silence that lingered was deafening. She peeked at him through the curtain of scarlet curls to find him staring at her. His expression was shuttered and his features inscrutable.
"Don't you think that would be best?" she asked as imploringly as she could, but she might have been talking to a stone statue for all the emotion Cole showed.
His nostrils flared, the expression on his face shifting towards stubborn refusal. But then he gave an almost imperceptible nod. She stared at him for a second, waiting for something more, but he just worked his jaw back and forth while he stared at her.
Ember nodded then, feeling a weight lift off her even though she still felt awkward about the entire exchange, before standing up and leaving the room.
This path they were traveling was full of jagged edges and unknown peril. She felt like she was navigating dark and stormy waters, and that she was either going to pull them both out or drown with him.
She didn't know which.
All she knew was that if she didn't leave then, she never would.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Later that night, Ember was unable to sleep. With a huff, she kicked off her covers and rose from her bed in her quarters to take a long bath. She scrubbed until her skin was pink and then dried herself off before donning a long-sleeved tunic made of white cotton before walking out onto her balcony. She leaned her elbows on the railing, her long scarlet curls blowing around her face, wrapping around her slim waist. There was a full moon out, but a passing cloud had blocked the natural light for a minute. A brisk cold wind was starting to pick up and it ruffled through her hair. In the distance, she could hear the lonesome cry of an animal.
Ember sighed heavily, filled with a deep-sated melancholy and nearly unbearable longing for something she was beginning to think could never be hers. Listlessly, her blue-green eyes fell from the stars to carelessly scan over the moon-paled rooftops until they fell upon a lone figure, low in a crouch and stone still on the top of the tower directly across from her that provided the best view of her bedchamber.
Her eyes widened and her lips parted slightly as her chest began to quickly rise and fall as her gaze landed on skin as smooth and white as magnolia petals before moving to the shock of blonde hair that looked silver in the moonlight as it blew gently in the night breeze before falling into artic blue eyes.
She would have known it was him even if she were blind. She could feel him on the air; she could feel the magnetic pull even from this distance. She thrilled to his presence. She would anywhere, anytime, under any circumstance. No matter what he was, what he'd done.
Even though his expression was solemn, he was still the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen.
Cole rose, slowly, the silvery light of the moon casting an otherworldly glow upon his translucent skin. Her pulse quickened and her throat went dry. Ember found herself moving backward into her room, though her eyes never left his. Once she was inside her room, wisps of smoke and shadows marked both his departure from his perch on the tower across from her and his materialization in front of her on her balcony.
Something shifted in the air the moment they locked gazes. His eyes were so open and vulnerable in a way she'd never seen before with a hint of something that looked akin to fear lurking in their depths. They were silent as they regarded each other, the weight of so many things filling the air between them, a near-tangible thing.
"No." His voice was so low it might as well have been the wind coming in through the open balcony doors.
She blinked. Once. Twice. "No? What do you mean no?"
The irises of his eyes glinted like cerulean glass. "You said it would be better to be apart."
A pulse beat hard at the base of her throat as she watched the moonlight play on his features as he glided toward her, in that way that barely displaced air, a velvet shadow in the darkness.
"No." His voice hardened.
Keeping his chin down, Cole looked up at her through his lashes and the emotions swimming in those velvety blues were so strong, they nearly leveled her. "Dangerous. Yes. Very dangerous. Not just for me, but for you. And promises are made, not broken. No harm to you, I promised. No harm to you I will keep." The angles of his face seemed to soften by the glow of the moon. "We will be safe, cautious, careful."
Tension that was statically charged saturated the air around them, denser than morning fog, as though it was about to combust in the space between them. Everything between them over the past fifteen years had condensed and raced toward this fulcrum point. They were standing upon a precipice, where everything would change for good, but not necessarily for the better. They feared - yet were anxious for - the inevitable plummet that would shift all that was into what will be.
Cole took a few steps toward her and she did the same, like two magnets that could do nothing but come together. He stepped into her then, so close she could feel the heat of his body, so close she had to tilt her chin to look him in the eyes. She breathed in his scent of leather, wool, and cinnamon. The combination devastated her senses, left her feeling breathless and disorientated.
Cole cased her face in both of his hands, the rough and calloused pads of his thumbs resting lightly on the apples of her cheeks. Something hot and powerful fired between them as he stared at her – into her - his face all dark shadows.
"You're all I want," Cole uttered, his voice rusty and low.
Emotion welled in her throat as his thumbs slid slowly along her cheeks to right below her ears. Wild tremors worked along her nerves when his long fingers wrapped possessively around the back of her neck and his thumbs caressed the sensitive skin just below her ears. Her heart was pounding so loud she was sure he could hear it.
"You're all I have," he murmured with a break in his voice.
The knot in her stomach swelled, pressing on her lungs. She drew in a sharp breath, struggling for air, tears burning her eyes. All she could see in the world were deep blue pools with flecks of white in them, like the ocean. They were deep as eternity and so piercing she could feel them under her skin, reaching into her. It made her feel needed, like her existence alone was necessary for his survival. Maybe it was.
Those eyes were suddenly falling out of focus and drawing nearer, and she knew logically that it meant that he must've been leaning down to her. Her lips parted slightly to allow for her harsher breathing, her lashes falling softly as her gaze was drawn to his mouth, her body trembling with anticipation. She could feel the rapid rise and fall of his chest against her as his breath fanned warm against her lips, and by its raggedness she knew he was struggling to breath just as much as she was.
His thumbs slid down her jaw, tilting it up as his cold lips brushed very softly against hers, tentative and unsure, before his mouth settled over hers in a kiss that felt like fire meeting ice.
She may have stopped breathing. She wasn't sure. Cold and heat collided and sparked. Blood boiled beneath the surface of her lips as a thousand volts of energy and the Fade pumped through her bloodstream, lighting her up from the inside out.
Cole's head tilted and his lips brushed softly over hers again. Taking his time, drawing out the moment, savoring. His kiss was slow, burning, deep; as if coaxing her very soul out of her body. His taste touched her tongue - chilled beams of moonlight wrapped in remnants of the Fade. Cool, mysterious, not of this world. Just like him.
His hand ran up the back of her neck to snake into her hair, fisting a handful of curls as he tilted her head back to deepen the kiss. The tip of his tongue traced the seam of her lips, leaving a trail of scorched nerve endings in its wake. The hairs on her arms stood on end as a static charge rushed over her skin, making her feel if she was standing in the center of an electrical storm.
His thumb dragged across her cheek to her mouth to force her lips apart so he could slowly, achingly slowly, sink his tongue into the soft velvet of her mouth - seeking, wanting, needing. She was quick to meet him, her tongue sweeping lightly over his own as she arched against him, rolling with a heat that could rival a firestorm.
A strangled groan rumbled in the back of his throat that bordered on pain as he drank from her mouth like a man dying of thirst, parched to his core. Instinctively, her hands gripped his lean shoulders for support, needing him to anchor her when it felt as if she might dissolve into him. He kissed her as if he needed her mouth on his in order to breathe, and she could actually feel him sear his name across her heart just as she was searing her name across his.
When oxygen became a necessity, Cole pulled her bottom lip into his mouth before he pulled away slowly in a torturous draw on the plump flesh as his teeth raked over it. Ember made a small sound of protest as her lips chased after his. He didn't pull back completely though. His lips hovered not even an inch above hers. They held still, panting, breathing one another's air, his hands trembling as they held her face.
Ember opened her eyes slowly. Through the parted, woven threads of her eyelashes, she could see Cole's face less than an inch from hers. Want. It blazed in his not-quite-human eyes. They were rapacious with it, agonizingly so, a starvation.
"I want to be in you." His voice was tortured.
The words hung between them like a concrete block, about to slam to the ground and rattle them to the bones. She fought on her last gasp of air as his ragged breath filtered unsteadily out against her lips. Her heart would burst. It raced too fast, too hard.
"Let me, dear heart." The words were raw and desperate, his gaze pleading, faint lines of pain etched around his mouth. He closed his eyes, dropping his forehead against hers. His breath stilled, then was expelled on an anguished groan along with a heart-wrenching, "Please."
The night trembled around them. For the first time in her life she wanted a man, truly wanted. But the reality of being taken, of being penetrated, by him was frightening.
Cole was intense, dangerous, and overwhelming. He was the Ghost of the Spire. He was a murderer. He was also a spirit of compassion. He was her protector. He was her dearest friend. He was also a creature of the Fade while she was a mage. He was everything she couldn't want, and somehow everything she'd ever wanted. But she could no more resist him then she could've repressed the need to breathe. She craved - desperately craved - what only Cole could give her.
This was insanity. No sane mage played with this fire. And yet, here she was, waving her hands around in the flames like a lunatic. But in that moment, she couldn't bring herself to care. It was impossible to try and fight something when it was beyond you. She was already in so deep she'd drowned in him.
After all of the betrayals and pain she'd suffered at the hands of others throughout her life, Ember never thought she'd ever be able to trust another person enough to share her body or her heart, much less hand them both over completely and irrevocably.
And, Maker help her, that was exactly what she was about to do.