The Inquisitor's Ghost

Author's Note: This chapter has a soundtrack: Give Me Love by Ed Sheeran.

Chapter 22 – Don't Go

Over all that exists

By your will all things are done

Yet you do nothing

- Threnodies 5:11

The Inquisitor burst out of the front door of the Herald's Rest and stormed toward the main keep like a focused tornado. She stopped and sucked in a deep breath of chilled night air in an attempt to settle her nerves, temper, and embarrassment. The sounds of the tavern behind her were loud, but the night air was refreshing in its coolness, washing over her and soothing the heated flush of her cheeks caused by the amount of alcohol she'd consumed.

Ember exhaled before shoving her hands into the pockets of her superior hunter armor and began heading for her quarters. In the misty night, after the afternoon of rain, she took slow steps on the damp ground. The leaves in the trees scattered around her were still wet with rain, hanging lifeless on their branches. Skyhold seemed tired, with tragic peacefulness and just such a hint of loneliness and pain.

With her head bowed she watched her feet with each step she took. Cole had looked like hell warmed over. His eyes had been red-rimmed. There'd been a flushed color to his cheeks that had indicated he'd been drinking. His shaggy hair had been more disheveled than usual. He hadn't looked like his sleep had been interrupted; more like he hadn't gotten any sleep at all. And she knew why. A woman had kept him up all night. She pictured the hands of that gorgeous woman running down his chest, just as she had. She saw him kissing that other woman. She imagined him naked with that other woman like he had her, and she felt her heart crack down the middle.

She was struggling to hold in everything that threatened to spill out of her. Her throat was closed on tears and she hated them. Who he kissed was none of her business. Who he loved… was none of her business.

None whatsoever.

No matter how much it hurt.

Not paying attention, Ember walked right into something hard and unmoving. The Inquisitor stumbled back, but a hand caught her elbow, steadying her on her feet. Ember waited for the hand to fall away, but instead it moved lightly up her arm.

Coming back to her herself, Ember looked up.

Haunted, haunted eyes drifted to rest on her, the unnerving intensity in them boring down on her.

The air was gone from her lungs and she begged to a higher power that her eyes were deceiving her. She couldn't be near him now. Not with visions of that woman touching him still racing in her mind. The fact that he so willingly…

Ember sucked in a sharp breath. I want to cry. She raised her chin defiantly, holding his gaze. I won't.

"Leave. Me. Alone."

She pulled her arm from his grasp and brushed passed him, heading for her room, her pace quicker this time.

"Don't go." Came the rasping demand from behind her, but much closer than it should have been given the amount of steps she'd taken.

Ember turned around and was startled by how close the broody spirit was. He was practically on top of her, staring intently at her in that disturbing way.

She grated, "You want to talk? Fine." Jabbing a finger into his chest, she glared up at him. "What the hell where you doing?"

His chin jerked up. "He was touching you." There was an edge to his tone and expression she couldn't put her finger on - something that made the tilt of his mouth and the slant of his eyes dangerous.

Her hands fisted at her sides, her words coming out hard and cutting, "Why were you grabbing my hair like that?"

He went still, but she saw the flare of possession in his eyes.

Comprehension dawned on her and she laughed, the sound brittle and bitter. "Oh… I see." She glared up at him, blind with hurt. "You can't stake a claim on something you have no intention of keeping, Cole."

With each cutting word, Cole's face collapsed further, until he had the countenance of the saddest of basset hounds. She was being cruel and she knew it. Part of her didn't want to hurt him, while the other part wanted to hurt him like he'd hurt her.

"He thinks of putting his mouth on yours." His voice was like sandpaper.

"Who?"

"Cullen."

"Oh."

Sharp, glittering eyes surveyed her. "Do you think of putting your mouth on his?"

She lifted her chin and decided to hurt him some more. "I've already put my mouth on his."

His gaze turned anguished. "Do you… do you breathe him?"

This was it. If she truly wanted to wound him, here was her chance. She would be lying, of course, but she'd hurt him. The harm the words would cause would be irrevocable. Would they be worth it? The words teetered on the end of her tongue.

Ember looked down and swallowed the words, the taste bitter in her throat. She could feel Cole's intense gaze on her, piercing into her. She forced her eyes to trail slowly up from his dark armored chest to the alabaster skin of his chin to those intense blue eyes staring back at her with quiet anguish and torment.

"No," she answered truthfully on the hushest of whispers. "I breathe only you."

Silence engulfed them as they stared at one another, the night breeze lazily blowing through their hair and clothes. He opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. Ember tilted her head to the side as she watched his mouth slowly close again.

"Stop it. Just stop it." It was a broken whisper, almost too quiet to hear.

"Stop what?"

Her eyes narrowed. "Staring PAST my eyes."

His head tilted. "You aren't your eyes. You live behind them."

She raged, "Stop looking at me like that!" She shoved his shoulders with both hands and screamed a little when he didn't move much. "Stop watching me. Stop staring at me. Stop looking at me like… like… just stop it!"

Something flickered in his eyes - dark emotion that looked like pain - but his intense gaze never wavered. "I can't."

"You can't what?"

"Stop looking at you."

"Well, you've got to start learning because I can't take it!"

"Why?"

"Because… because… dammit, just forget it." She sighed, exhausted. "Just leave me alone."

"Why?"

Her chin lifted sharply and her eyes flamed. "So how was Candy? You two have a good time?" she snapped bitterly, shocked she'd brought her up.

"Yes," he answered casually. "She danced."

Ember's hands flew to cover her trembling mouth. "Oh, Maker. I can't hear this," she muttered into her hands, about to start crying.

"After she danced, I untangled the hurt that made her angry at her mother."

She blinked, not understanding, while he stalked toward her like a silent phantom until he was in her personal space.

"I helped her write a letter to send back home. She said I could call her Marguerite, the name didn't hurt anymore."

"Did you sleep with her?" The question burned her throat with its searing power.

"I slept in her bed."

Her heart stopped beating in her chest. "Was she in it with you?"

"Yes."

Pangs of jealousy jousted in her heart, and she failed in trying to quell them. "She can't have you," she growled. "I saw you first. I touched you first. I loved you first. No one can have you but me!"

Abruptly, he took her face into his hands. "Dear heart," he said fiercely. "All I am, all I can ever be, is yours."

His unflinching words pierced right through the armor of anger she wore, like the cleanest stroke of a dagger and plunged straight into her heart.

She swallowed. "Did you have sex with her?"

He shook his head no, his hands still holding her face.

"Did you kiss her?"

He shook his head no.

She bit her lip. "So… you just helped her and then fell asleep in her bed?"

He nodded. "Yes. She cried and screamed and then cried some more. She cried a lot and I rubbed her back to take the pain away."

His calloused palms slid down her face, down the sides of her throat, to lie against the rapidly beating pulse at its base. He paused, feeling the rush of her blood for a moment longer before drawing back, shaking his head at an unasked question.

"What?"

His eyes were searching, burrowing, trying to get inside her mind. "You thought I was with Marguerite the same way I was with you?"

She shifted on her feet. "Yes."

She saw a sharp glitter of emotion in his eyes. "How could I when pieces remain."

Her face pinched with confusion. "What?"

"Pieces of you. They remain." He pointed at his chest, expression taut. "Inside. I can feel them. Swimming in blood, expanding with lungs." His teeth were gritted, the words sounding pulled from his heart. "Inside me is you."

His eyes narrowed, danced away from hers, and skirted back as if he were wrestling with himself about something. "I hurt," he confessed in a quiet, scratchy whisper. "I hurt all the time. An old pain from before, when you ran away, when everything sang the same."

Her breaths became shallower. "I hurt too, Cole."

His heavy-lidded eyes were grave, his face tight and dark. "Why does it hurt?"

Her throat began to tighten. "Because it matters."

His eyes narrowed, his nostrils flared. "My chest is full of holes. I am empty, nothing, cut, cauterized." His mouth barely moved and his words sounded strained, as if his jaws were clamped together.

Her mouth ran dry. "Cole…"

"I cannot breathe without thinking of you… of how you pressed your mouth to mine, how you took me into yourself, how you felt around me, how you…" His eyes closed as if he was in pain and sucked in a deep breath. His eyes opened into hers and her gut rolled at the misery in their liquid blue depths. "At first, I wanted to remember. Now I just want to forget. It would hurt less to forget."

She froze, a sharp sense of panic lancing through her. "Don't forget what happened, Cole. Please… don't forget us," she whispered, not even realizing that her palms were pressed against his chest until she felt the material of his armor under her hands and the heat rising off of his torso.

Cole's expression became distant, as if he was remembering something, his hands absently going to her hips. "You gasp then sigh, hands touching, lips tasting, sweat rippling down your body moving against mine, sweet release a breath away. Above me, flames of fire blazing around you, soft and trembling as you make me yours. Your fingers sore from clawing the sheets, your tongue tying itself tenderly around mine, urging me deeper into you…" He exhaled a hard breath. "I can't let that go. I won't let myself forget."

She rose to her toes, hands dragging up his torso, her fingers curling around his shoulders. He stiffened when her lips brushed his smooth cheek. He made an awful strangled sound as if wounded.

"Thank you," she whispered against his skin, her nose nuzzling his smooth cheek.

He didn't crack the way she yearned for him to do. She wanted him to turn his head and capture her lips with his. She wanted him to want her. She wanted him to love her. Yet he remained steadfast in his determination to keep her at a distance.

Disappointed, she dropped back to her heels and forced a smile.

One hand brushed her stomach as it rounded her hip to slide down to the small of her back while the other slowly lifted to her face. With his fingertips barely touching her skin, he stroked her cheek, causing pleasant little tingles to radiate under his touch.

His fingers pressed into the small of her back, bringing her closer as he gently tipped her chin up, lifting her eyes to meet his. She could neither move nor breathe, her heart hammering as though it was trying to rip itself out of her skin when his feet shuffled closer to her, heat radiating from the core of her body. He smelled smoky and slightly woody, with underlying hints of something spicy yet sweet. Fire and cinnamon. She leaned in slightly and breathed more of it in.

Her eyes warmed before falling to his mouth. Unconsciously, she licked her own, remembering his taste.

Cole's eyes darkened with an indefinable and unfathomable emotion as they tracked her tongue when it darted out of her mouth, wetting her lips. And she knew. He wanted to kiss her nearly as much as she wanted to kiss him.

She could feel her heart pounding, hear the roar of her blood surging through her body as he tightened his hold on her chin and slowly brought his head down, his mouth coming closer to hers. She could hear nothing but her own frenzied heartbeat as she felt his breath draw closer as he pulled her to him.

Cole suddenly stopped his decent, their lips aligned perfectly, separated by the smallest sliver of space. He inhaled a shaky breath while staring at her mouth, his face torn. She felt his hesitance rolling off him in waves of uncertainty, saturating the air around them.

She could virtually taste his breath on her lips. It was a slow kind of torture. She felt like she was about to die, and there wasn't a damn thing that could save her but his mouth on hers.

His lips pressed gently against her forehead. A tiny shiver cleaved her body when he touched his lips to her skin. His lips lingered a few seconds before he pressed his forehead against hers and grabbed hold of her face. Their eyes locked when they opened them, and she felt her throat close up when she saw tears shimmering in his.

A fierce wave of contrition swept over Cole's features. He sighed heavily, like the air in his lungs was too heavy to hold any longer, before letting his hands fall from her face to slide down her arms. With a grimace, he slowly pulled back.

Why is he pulling away? Don't stop.

She grabbed his hands, but his fingers slid out of hers, eventually letting go.

No, no, no. Keep touching me.

After several deep breaths, he stepped back from her. Her heart gave an irksome lurch, pulling awareness through the fog of her mind.

She was hurt because he didn't kiss her.

No, she was hurt because he wanted to kiss her, but he didn't let himself.

Pressure behind her eyes told her tears were collecting there. Wetness pooled in the seam of her eyelids, coating her lashes and dampening the thin skin at the outer corners. She was sick and tired of trying to reconcile all of his contradictions. She was sick and tired of walking on eggshells. She was sick and tired of waiting. She was sick and tired of all of this.

She turned to leave, but before she could take one step, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him in a tight embrace. Several minutes passed while they just stood there, holding on, as he brought her closer to him until her body was pressed firmly against his hard frame.

"Please don't cry," he pleaded in her ear. "I can't take seeing them." His arm tightened around her, crushing her to him, the warmth of his body pushing roughly into her own.

"I'm sorry." His hand lifted to cup her cheek, and his mouth was no more than half an inch from her other cheek. "I keep making it worse." His mouth was so close she couldn't distinguish if it was his lips or his breath that was feathering her skin.

He pulled away from her and pierced her with those wounded eyes. "I can't give you what you want," Cole rasped, his voice low and throaty his fingers digging into her upper arms as he held her away from him. She didn't think it was possible to cram so much regret and sorrow into one expression. "I am not human. You keep wanting that from me, but I can't give that to you." His tone was filled with grievous resignation. "I don't… I don't know how." His voice cracked, and she could hear his vulnerability.

Her hurt quickly succumbed to the anger building up inside of her. For ponderous seconds she only stared mutely up at him. Then the import of his words registered with full force, and she yanked her arms free of his strong fingers and shoved herself away. Her chest was heaving with outrage. She swallowed the hot anger that threatened to choke her.

"What I want is you!" Before she could stop herself, her next words were a snarl of bitter seething anger, pouring from her mouth, full of resentment. "And unlike you, I don't regret anything. I don't want to forget. Unlike you, I won't lie to you and say that I can't be with you. I can and I want to. I will not be a coward and I will not - don't look at the ground, look at me!" she shouted and blue orbs snapped back to her eyes. "I am not afraid to tell you that I care for you and that I have, and will, love none but you!" Her turquoise eyes glinted with hurt and ire. "But loving you does not feel like a blessing right now, Cole. It feels like a curse!" She turned on her heel and stormed to the main keep, not once looking back.

Cole hung his head, suddenly swept by a wave of misery and loneliness that seemed to flood his very soul. He remained motionless, staring at her the entire time she walked away. She didn't see the way he turned to walk away, smashing his fist into a tree, splitting the bark.

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Ember lay still in the darkness of her room. She had been asleep in her bed for a good long while, she guessed. What had awakened her? Was it a dream? No, for she had not dreamed at all that she could remember. Still, something had awakened her. Something had given her a jolt as she lay there wrapped in her sheets. But what?

Lying very still on her side, she scanned the darkness in her room with her eyes, trying to pinpoint the source that had awakened her. Her heart raced and every muscle in her body stiffened when the bed shifted as a body lowered itself onto it behind her.

She swallowed, the hand on the dagger beneath her pillow tightening as they drew closer to her. But then her fingers loosened on the hilt of her dagger before releasing it because she knew it was him. No one else could cause her body to react the way it was reacting.

Ember squeezed her eyes shut when she felt the sheets lift up behind her. His arm slid under her pillow and the other arm wrapped tightly around her body, pulling her against his armored chest, burying his face in her neck. Their bodies met, and it created a force so powerful that every other part of her was demanding to be pressed against every other part of him. He must have felt the same because he molded his body to hers. She could feel the taut muscled strength of his body against hers. His familiar scent and shape was a sorely needed comfort.

"You're here?" Ember asked on the softest of whispers, needing to make sure he was really there with her and that this wasn't just another vivid dream.

Cole moved his mouth to her ear and kissed it. "Yes," he whispered, his hand slipping underneath her sleeveless tunic and onto the warm skin of her stomach. His palm pressed against her stomach, pulling her tighter against him. "I am here."

She swallowed. "Why?"

His lips grazed her ear lobe, not quite a kiss, but warm shivers slid down her spine. "You were calling for me in your sleep."

Her eyebrows drew together. "You had to be in my room in order to hear me talking in my sleep."

Warm breath caressed the side of her face. "Yes."

"Do you do that often?" she asked softly. "Come into my room while I'm sleeping?"

His nose brushed her cheek before drawing along the skin of her jaw. "Yes."

His lips pressed to her hair, breathing deeply. She wasn't sure if he was about to turn her onto her back and kiss her. She wasn't even sure if he was about to disappear. The only thing she was certain about was that she needed him to keep holding her.

Ember slipped her fingers through the hand that was resting tightly against her stomach and she squeezed it. "Don't go."

He held her as tight as he could as his mouth met her bare shoulder, kissing her lightly. The feel of his lips against her skin caused heat to spread out from her chest in pulsing waves.

"I won't," he whispered against her skin, before slowly dragging his lips across her collarbone while sliding his calloused palm up her stomach to her ribs.

Her breath caught. A tenuous hope took fire in her chest. "You won't sleep in anyone else's bed? Even if you're just helping them?"

"I won't," he answered softly, nipping at the hollow where her shoulder met her neck.

Ember reached up behind her to sink her fingers in his shaggy hair, pressing his mouth deeper into her throat. Shivers ran through her – hot and cold at the same time from Cole's open mouth against her skin. She arched into him when he scraped his teeth up the side of her neck. Then soothed the sting with his tongue.

He suddenly stopped, his breath coming in short panting bursts against her flesh. His forehead dropped into the hollow of her neck. His arms tightened around her, crushing her to him. The embrace had an aching need to it, his arms strung so tightly around her that she could hardly breath. His arms began to shake as he held her with such intensity and desperation that it became heartbreaking.

"This is real." His voice was low and thick with too many emotions to name. "We are real."

And that's exactly how they fell asleep - wrapped silently together.