She walked for hours, and finally found herself back at the boathouse. Perfect. Her things were still here and she was sure that it was safe to stay, Duke wouldn't have brought her there otherwise.
She needed to think of a plan. Somewhere safe to stay until she had this baby. She also had a lot of Aether to process. She had a sudden, strong urge to hurt herself, and she fought it, realizing that Audrey had been right- she hadn't hurt herself before.
That's when she knew something was really wrong.
As she refused to move to hurt herself, a burning pain started in her ribcage, on the left side a few inches below her heart. The longer she fought, the worse the burning got until she was sweating and crying. She reached for a knife, drawing it across her hand, and the burning stopped.
No. No, this was wrong. She immediately pulled up the diagnostic information, sitting in a chair to look through it. It didn't take long to find what she was looking for.
She sat in the kitchen chair, arms and hands covered in blood as she cried. She needed help. She needed help desperately- not even for herself, but for the baby and for the town. If she died, they would still go into the Void. But she couldn't think of who to call.
She missed William sometimes so much it hurt. The way it used to be, always having someone there to listen, someone who understood her, was part of her, and who cared. Being a twin was rare and special, and she had valued it. The closest thing she had anymore was Audrey, and the only similarity was their genetic structure.
But she didn't know who else to call.
She took out her cheap burner phone, dialing Audrey in her desperation.
"Parker." The rasping cough was gone, she sounded strong again. Not that Mara had doubted her ability, but it still occasionally felt nice to be proven right.
"Audrey." Her voice was rough, husky with tears and pain.
"Mara, where are you? Are you alright?"
"She- she did something to me. I don't know when. An implant. A poison that makes me want to hurt myself. That will hurt me itself if I refuse. I think the pregnancy must have triggered it. I have nowhere to go. Nobody. If I kill myself, Haven gets shoved into the Void. If I don't hurt myself, I don't know how much the implant will hurt me. I don't know if it will hurt my baby. She wants me to crawl and beg for her help. Maybe for you guys to drag me to her and demand that she save Haven. I just- I wanted to tell you. I wanted you to know. If I could give you my baby along with my abilities, if I could know you'd take care of him, I would find a way to disengage from Haven and let her end me. I don't know how to do that."
She sniffled, wiping her face as she continued. "At least if you were carrying the baby, Duke would love it. We're genetically alike, but it would make all the difference. He told me he wished I was you when I conceived."
"Tell me where you are, I'll come get you right now."
"He loves you. I know you know that. Why don't you love him?"
Audrey stammered for a moment. "I-I do love him, but I chose Nathan. I had to make a choice."
"You could have had them both. Made them love each other again."
"That's not how it works, Mara."
"For some people it is. Doesn't matter. I don't know how to give you the baby anyway. I know you hate me, but will you do something for me? It's not really for me, it's for everyone else. Talk to Vince and Dave, see if they can find a way to sever my bond to the town. Make it safe. I wish I hadn't caused the Troubles, but I didn't know any better. I was doing what my mother ordered me to. I tried to do better, tried to fix it. I couldn't. But if she manages to trap you in the Void, Haven will be completely cut off from the world. It won't exist to the outside world. The resources here are finite. What happens when you're stuck, outside of space and time? Only generators will work, and how long will fuel last?"
"Mara, please let me come get you."
"And take me where? I have no home, Audrey. Duke doesn't want to be anywhere near me. If the Guard gets me, they'll hurt my baby and they'll end up killing me too. Nobody will believe, and by the time they realize I'm telling the truth, I'll be dead."
"Then stay with me, Mara."
Shocked laughter burst from Mara, sounding jagged and painful. "Right. Duke owns the building. And why on earth would you want me to stay with you?"
Audrey's voice was sharp and angry. "He may own the building, but I pay rent. It's my apartment. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your baby. You don't want to hurt your child, so let me help you protect him. We'll find a way to fix everything, we'll do it together."
Her first instinct was to refuse. She didn't need anyone. But her hand was touching her abdomen again, and there was such a strong pressure in her chest that it was hard to breathe. She wanted to be near someone. If it made the child safer, wasn't that more important than her pride?
"Can you protect the baby? Knowing that at some point, you may have to chain me to a damn wall and shove a feeding tube down my throat to keep the town safe? If it comes down to that, someone has to do it. Maybe if it gets bad enough you can evacuate the town. Get everyone out of Haven before it gets sucked into the Void. You can do that, right? You can get them to evacuate."
Oh yes, she didn't know why she hadn't thought of it sooner. If they just got everyone out of Haven, it wouldn't matter when she died, the land would be empty of people, and the wildlife would be fine. It would be like a nature preserve.
"If it gets that far yes, we can evacuate. Don't worry about it right now. Just tell me where you are so I can come get you."
Mara rested her head on the table, sighing as she gave Audrey the address. She didn't want to be alone. She didn't know what would happen if she tried to sleep.
She gathered her things when she hung up, picking up the few items that belonged to Duke- there were two shirts and a sweater, and she hugged them to her chest before shoving them and everything else into a cheap dufflebag she found in a closet. She left a $10 bill in it's place. Duke wouldn't want her stealing. She should try to be a better role model.
She sat on the porch, holding her bag as she waited for Audrey. Good, sweet Audrey who everyone loved and respected. They didn't judge her for being different or blame her for her connection to Mara. People hugged her and kissed her and brought her coffee, even after she got them to kill for her.
For a moment, Mara let herself think of William, of how things had once been. When he was always holding her hand and protecting her. He had tried being good. He had loved Samuel just like she had. But he was so hurt when Samuel turned against them he never really bounced back. He'd closed off his heart to everyone, including her. And he'd hurt her, hurt people she loved.
But she wished he could be his old self again.
The blood dripping down her hand snapped her out of her thoughts. She didn't remember having a knife in her hand. She snapped it closed, shaking her head as she put it in her bag.
Audrey's car pulled up- Mara wondered how that had happened, she almost never drove, she was always in the Bronco with Nathan. She remembered Nathan hugging her to help Audrey break through. It had been a nice hug, really. She had loved it and feared it- the only reason Audrey had broken through at all.
Mara approached the passenger side cautiously, watching around her and looking in the back seat before she got in. She squeezed her bag against her, whispering, "Thank you. If you change your mind, it's fine."
Audrey was staring at Mara, her expression barely hidden fury. Really? Already?
"What? Why are you mad at me already?"
"Not at you. You're bleeding. Your hands are covered in blood, there's even blood smeared on your face. How are your arms?" The jacket she wore hid most of her skin.
Mara shrugged. "It's not that bad. Right now I can hold it off with little things. It all depends on how quickly it progresses." She rested her head back, exhausted but jittery from the Aether she'd taken from Duke. "Oh no." Her voice was barely a whisper.
"What is it, Mara?"
"I can't process the extra Aether from Duke. The implant, it pushes me to do harmful things. If I try to start processing, it might not let me stop. I have to- I have to hold onto it. I have to keep it all until this is over."
Audrey started to drive, still looking angry. "What will that do to you?"
"Don't know. It was going to kill Duke, but I'm built different. It might speed my metabolism. Maybe if I'm lucky it will make the baby grow faster."
Audrey stared at the road, deep in thought. "Why did you say Duke doesn't love the baby?"
"When I told him, he almost crashed the truck. Called it demon-spawn. It's not, though. The baby never hurt anyone. It's no worse than if it was your baby. It's not fair." She angrily swiped a tear from her face. The pressure inside her was rising again. She watched the clock on the dash, trying to determine how long she had between episodes and how long she could control it before the implant started hurting her.
"He's just scared, Mara. Duke could never hate a child."
"He can hate me, and he'll always know that the baby is part me." The burning in her chest started, and she tried to distract herself. "You know what the really funny part is? He hates me so much, only had sex with me because I looked like you- that's starting to become a habit with your friends- and I actually love him. I love him so much it's stupid. That's how fate works, you know. People like me, we love people who can never love us back."
She gripped her chest, gritting her teeth as the burning increased.
Audrey glanced from the road, alarmed. "What is it? What's wrong?"
"The implant. I'm trying to fight it. It hurts."
"We're almost home."
The Gull had just come into view when the burning became too much. Desperate, Mara dug her nails into her arm under her sleeve, dragging them down slowly. The fire in her chest receded, but her hand came back bloody.
So, if the math carried out, if she went an hour without an injury, the implant would kick in. Once that started, she had about ten minutes before things got to be too much.
That was very bad news. Mara had to find a way to make the baby grow faster, fast enough to be able to live outside her body before she died of a thousand tiny cuts. Assuming the implant would stop at small cuts.
Knowing Charlotte, she very much doubted it.
They saw Duke's Land Rover, and her anxiety spiked. If he found out she was staying here, he'd make her leave. She didn't care so much if she had to go live in the woods, but she was counting on Audrey to protect her baby. Audrey didn't look hesitant at all.
"Come on, Mara. It's fine. This is my apartment. I have the right to bring anyone I want."
Mara nodded, clutching her bag as she got out of the car. They made it upstairs unseen and she relaxed a little.
Audrey put sheets on the couch and ordered pizza, leaving money on the counter before she went to shower. Mara peeled off the jacket, wrinkling her nose at the mess that was her arms. She couldn't even remember doing half of these. It looked like someone had tried to graffiti her with a blade. She wet a paper towel and wiped up most of the blood, but they still looked awful. She'd need more shirts with long sleeves.
When the knock sounded at the door, Mara grabbed the money Audrey had left out and went to get the pizza.
She froze when she opened the door, face to face with Duke.
"What are you doing here?" He sounded surprised.
"I- I'm staying with Audrey for awhile."
"Why?"
"She's helping me."
He looked her up and down, the money clenched in her fist, and his jaw clenched as he saw her bare arms.
"You're still hurting yourself."
"It's not my fault!" Mara snarled. "There's an implant, here-" she pointed to the general area in her ribcage, "It tries to force me to hurt myself. If I don't, it burns. Burns worse and worse until it feels like it'll kill me. I didn't ask for it! We already have a plan. If- when it gets too bad, Audrey will make the police evacuate the town. If there's nobody in Haven, it won't matter so much when it gets sucked into the Void."
She wrapped her arms around her middle, posture defensive even as she wished she could touch him. The drive to touch him was almost as strong as the need to hurt herself- and that was growing by the minute. She hadn't hurt herself since the car, and her hour was up.
Duke was saying something, but she couldn't hear him. She couldn't focus past the burning and the wish to touch. She bent over, a choked groan passing her lips.
He was like her in some ways. As much as he might hate, as angry as he was, the base part of him always wanted to help. He reached for her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her toward the couch when the strangest thing happened.
The burning stopped.
Mara couldn't help herself, she grasped his arms reflexively, pulling him closer and basking in the absence of pain.
"What can I do to help?" Duke murmured.
She dropped her chin to her chest, hiding her face. Her pride would kill her baby if she didn't swallow it now.
"I don't know. When you touched me it stopped. I'm okay." Mara straightened up, releasing Duke's arms. The moment he dropped his hands, it erupted again, worse than before.
Her legs gave out and she dropped to the floor, certain that her skin would start to blacken and blister, peeling from her bones. Blinded by the agony, she punched the floor, the muted snapping of bone forcing the fire away.
"Mara, Mara no, stop." His hands were on her arms again, and she closed her eyes, struggling to catch her breath. It made her think of Nathan; unable to feel anything that didn't contain Aether. Now she was trapped in her body, like Nathan's so-many-times great grandfather, in constant agony unless Duke was touching her. Why did he have to hate her?
She sat upright, cradling her hand to her chest as she brought her knees up. Tears were pouring from her eyes, black as tar, and they reabsorbed before they could fall from her face. "I'm sorry. There's only an hour between cycles, and I can only fight it for ten minutes before it's too much."
His expression was somewhere between fury and sweetness. A look only he could pull off.
"Every hour?"
"Since her little stunt, yes. It was more manageable before. It was strong, but not regular. Not timeable. It was worst just before the toe, and it stayed away for awhile. Then it started with anxiety. It just- it got worse after she tried to kill me, and now... this."
"How did Audrey get involved?"
"I didn't know who to call. I didn't want to endanger the... the baby. And I didn't want everyone getting sucked into the Void when I die. She's still connected to me, like a twin- I loved being a twin, having someone who loved me- she was the only one I could think to call. She asked me to come stay with her."
Mara struggled to her knees, picking up Audrey's dropped money as there was a knock at the door. Duke took the money from her hand. "Just sit down, I'll get it."
Mara sat on the couch, keeping her hand against her chest. Audrey came out toweling her hair as Duke came back with the pizza.
Audrey eyed the pair, scrutinizing them. She noticed Mara cradling her hand and frowned, coming to sit next to her. She took Mara's hand in her own, feeling around carefully. "What happened?"
"The implant was active. I thought the pizza was here, but it was Duke. He tried to help me, and when he touched me, it all stopped, it went away. When he let go, it was worse. I broke my hand, I couldn't fight it. I tried."
"I believe you, it's okay. We should get this hand looked at, though."
"No. I can't go to a human doctor. They'll know something else is wrong, they'll put some kind of hold on me. They'll kill me faster. It will heal." Her voice came out far more desperate than she'd intended and she flushed, embarrassed. "I'm sorry, but I can't risk a psych hold or try to explain paperwork and insurance. You don't understand how hard it is to exist in a world where you're only 'real' if you have a bunch of paperwork."
"I know what to do. Sit, eat. I've got to run downstairs." Mara nodded and he dashed off.
The tears had slowed, but they were still flowing. Audrey looked so sad- not just embarrassing pity, but real sadness. It made Mara feel lonely, and she tried to imagine what Audrey's face would look like if Mara asked for a hug.
"Audrey? Can I ask you something?"
"Sure, what's up?" She put the pizza on the coffee table as she sat next to Mara,
"When Duke touched me, the implant stopped working. Would you be very opposed to testing it to see if it worked with you?"
Audrey tilted her head, searching Mara's face. "Of course."
Audrey hugged Mara, and Mara knew, just knew that Audrey had felt or sensed or just known that Mara just wanted a hug. It was almost like when she and William were young. Audrey could read her. Mara hugged back, holding on to Audrey as she tried to make the tears stop. She finally took a deep breath and pulled back. She was too embarrassed to meet Audrey's eyes. "Thank you for that. I- I don't know how to ask anymore. Or, I guess I technically know, but I can't stand the thought of rejection."
"It's okay, Mara. You know how I am. I'm the same way."
"I know you are, but people love you. There's nobody here who wouldn't want to hug you."
"Please try not to be so sad. You can ask me for a hug when you need to."
"I'm sorry I hit you. Sorry I hurt you."
"Can I ask- why did you hit me?"
Mara stared down at her hand, frowning. "Because you were part of me once, because you look like me. Because you already hated me as much as I hate myself. It felt like therapy. This is probably karma for it. I wanted to hurt you for being part of me, and now I want to hurt all the parts of me. Funny."
Audrey nodded. "Hungry? You want a plate or a napkin?"
"Neither, thank you. I'm not hungry."
"You should eat at least a little, for the baby."
Mara frowned, sad again. "Maybe in a little bit. I ate today."
Duke came back in, and the ache in Mara's chest eased- it wan't from the implant this time, just her own feelings.
"I know a doctor who can take care of your hand, won't say a word to anyone and you don't have to worry about psych holds, okay? Will you see her if she comes here?"
Mara nodded silently. "You should eat."
"You should eat."
"I'm not hungry. I'm going to take a shower if you don't mind."
"Go for it." Audrey said. "I put a couple clean towels on the counter."
"Thank you." Mara stood and grabbed her bag, going into the bathroom without looking at anyone.
It was easier to breathe where nobody was watching her. She stripped with her good hand, pulling out clothes that were soft enough to use as pajamas, letting her fingers linger on Duke's sweater. Her hand brushed the knife on the way out, and it called to Mara. Just to hold it.
No. Her hour wasn't up yet. She wouldn't let it take more than she had to.
She stepped under the water, wishing she were still at the boathouse, locked up with Duke. What would it have been like if he hadn't pulled away from her after they'd had sex? What would it have felt like to sleep in his arms? She knew it had been foolish to hope that things had changed, but he was still a man, and she had thought there was a possibility that he would want to be with her again. No, he didn't love her- he loved Audrey- but when he was touching her, she could pretend.
"Oh Duke, I really wish I were somebody else, too."