She sighed, washing her hair and body. She did calculations in her head as she worked, trying to figure out how much time she had if the implant held steady at hourly intervals. How much the pregnancy would have to be accelerated to make sure the baby was safely out of her body before she was too damaged.
She focused on the excess Aether within her, directing it to protect the baby, to make him or her grow faster. As fast as possible. The story of her life, trying to pack as much as possible into the tiny amount of time she had. Damn her mother and her plots and schedules.
Why had the pain stopped when Duke touched her? What could that possibly mean?
She shut off the water, knowing she had to talk to him. She hadn't lied- she had no intention of asking for anything, and she would take care of her baby alone, but what happened when it was time to evacuate? Someone would have to take the baby.
Mara dressed slowly with her left hand, wishing she had more long sleeved shirts. She put Duke's sweater over her tank top. If he demanded it back, she'd give it to him, but until then, she'd get some use out of it. She was able to comb her hair, but she had no way to put it up one-handed.
It would just have to do.
As she left the bathrom, she thought about how quickly time moved. The anxiety, the urge to hurt was chewing at her again. Every time she felt it, she pushed the Aether to work faster, to protect her child. She would normally be perfectly happy carrying that baby for the full 40 weeks, but that was 6,720 hours. There was no possible way she could last that long. Not even half that long. So she communicated her fear and desperation to the Aether, begging it to help her child grow as quickly as possible.
Duke was sitting on the couch with Audrey when Mara came out, and the sight made Mara feel fragile, like she'd shatter into pieces if something touched her. She could imagine him fawning over Audrey, talking to the baby in her belly. Two for two. Two men had gotten Mara pregnant, all the while wishing she was Audrey. Both were still in love with Audrey.
Mara kind of wished she was Audrey, too.
She sat in the farthest chair, curling up. Audrey looked at her, smiling gently, when her gaze fell on Mara's foot.
She hadn't brought bandages, probably couldn't have taken care of it one-handed anyway, so the grisly wound was clearly visible.
"My god, what happened to your foot?"
Mara moved her left hand to cover her foot, hiding it from view. "Nothing important. It was the first thing I did when the implant went active. It's healing."
"But what did you do?"
She curled her right hand in a fist, hoping pain from the already broken bones would settle the creeping anxiety.
It didn't. Clever. It required a new injury each time.
"I cut my toe off."
Audrey looked green, and Mara couldn't look at Duke.
"Look, I need help with something. I wouldn't ask if there were any way to avoid it, I hope you understand that. I've been doing the math, and I'm using the Aether to make the baby grow faster. I won't make it 40 weeks. There are 3,360 hours in just 20 weeks. I'm not going to last that long. I'm going to do whatever I can to make the baby grow fast enough to be independant of me. I-"
Her throat closed, tight with unshed tears. She'd done this before. With different people, and she had more time and freedom to choose a family, but she had still been in this exact position. Making arrangements for a child who she loved and wanted, but couldn't stay to raise. She felt violently sick, and she ran for the bathroom. Her stomach was empty, but she heaved until bile came up, burning her throat.
She brushed her teeth, hiding her shaking hands in her sleeves as she returned to the living room and took her seat.
"Mara, what's going on? What can I do?" Audrey asked.
"I need to find someone to raise the baby when I have to go." Oh, even the words were exactly the same.
Audrey understood immediately, perhaps even seeing the same memory as it played in Mara's head. She looked like she'd been punched in the stomach, and Mara had to shut her eyes so she wouldn't cry or throw up again. The implant was burning, but she had to outlast it. See how long before pain became damage.
"I don't have the time or resources to find a family like the Cogan's this time. Duke, I understand you don't want him, don't want that connection to me, but I won't let him die. It's not his fault that he's connected to me. Genetically he's exactly the same as if Audrey conceived him. But I told you I wouldn't force him on you. I thought at the time that I'd be able to raise him myself. Whatever happens, just- please don't leave him in Haven alone, expecting my mother to find him and take care of him. Please."
The last word came out as a choked cry, and she dropped her head, letting her hair fall forward and wrapping her arms around herself. The implant felt like acid, and she could imagine the tissue around it dissolving. Yet it still wasn't enough to override the emotional pain. The thought of her mother getting her hands on that poor innocent who was already being judged just because of her was the worst thing she could think of. Worse than him being left here alone with his dead mother- at least then maybe wolves would raise him.
Mara felt a hand on hers, and the pain disappeared. Must be Duke. She didn't open her eyes. She didn't need to.
"I won't abandon the baby, Mara. I know I reacted badly, and I'm sorry. But I won't just turn my back. I'm not the father you want though. You were there, still with Audrey after Jean. You know I'm not father material."
She clasped the fingers of her left hand around his as he eyes snapped open. Her voice and expression were fierce, almost dangerous. "No. I never thought that, that wasn't me. I know you'd be a wonderful father. Kind and smart and loving, you could give a child the world. I would never be afraid or regret you being my baby's parent. You're the only one I would want."
The tears fell harder, and she was sobbing.
"If you will raise the baby, I'm not afraid. After he's born, Audrey can evacuate the town and you can take him anywhere. Will you really take him?"
He swallowed several times, and his eyes were shiny as he looked up at her from his knees, hand still held in hers. "I'll take care of the baby. But don't throw in the towel just yet, okay? Let's try and find a way to get you through this first."
Mara chuckled dourly. "Where there's life, there's hope?"
"Something like that, yeah."
"I wish I knew her plan. What the point is. I understand her trying to kill me, to get Audrey and lock the town down; it's a science experiment. I don't understand why she'd have put that thing in me. An auto-destruct, sure, but this- this forcing me to kill myself, it seems to be more insult than injury. Reminding me that I failed, that I wasn't smart enough or strong enough. Who would ever guess that refusing to hurt people would result in this kind of punishment? Sammy was right, my people are far more barbaric than humans."
There was a knock before Duke could respond, and Audrey jumped up to answer it. Both women were a little surprised to see Gloria at the door, medical bag in hand. Nathan was right behind her.
Duke stood to greet them, and as his skin lost contact with Mara's, the implant burned white hot and her mouth opened wide in a silent scream. Oh dear gods. She couldn't scream. She was trapped silent as the pain clawed at her. Panicked, she tried to reach for Duke and she fell, head cracking against the floor.
Undignified? Perhaps. But at least she could make sounds again.
And she was doing that, a terrified, gasping wail as she pushed herself up, ignoring the way her hand protested the movement. Duke was on his knees, pulling her up. He looked genuinely worried.
"What happened, Mara?"
"It- I- you were touching my hand that whole time. My ten minutes passed. When you stopped, it was- bad. But I couldn't make noise. I couldn't scream. I tried to touch you again, and I fell. When I hit my head I could talk again. Guess I shouldn't have promised not to touch you."
They were both on their knees in front of the chair, and this time he put his arms around her and hugged her, one hand resting in her hair. "I release you from that promise. Touch me whenever you want to."
"Don't say that." Mara whispered. "Not whenever I want to. It's too much."
"I release you. Whenever you want."
His voice was gruff, hiding tears, an she felt so bad for him for a moment. All his life, what he had needed most was to feel wanted. Now here he was, with someone who wanted and needed him completely, and it had to be her. It really was unfair.
He helped her get up and seated again, never letting go of her hand. She tried to smile at the doctor, but she didn't pull it off very well. She nodded politely at Nathan, waving a little with her good hand. He smiled sadly and waved back.
It was nice when he wasn't glaring at her.
Gloria was examining her hand, and casually said, "So I hear that bobble-head doctor did this to you?"
Mara uttered a startled laugh. "Bobble-head?"
"Like those little dolls. Head too big for the body. It's unnatural."
She relaxed and her whole body shifted. She hadn't even realized she was so tense, but each muscle that loosened seemed to make her an inch smaller. She finally smiled- a warm, natural smile that made her look completely different. "Yeah, she did. You don't like her?"
"Correction; I never liked her. Nothing I hate more than a bad liar. No sense lying if you're going to mess it all up."
Her laugh now was honest and sweet. "I couldn't agree more. It's insulting when people lie badly and expect you to believe them."
Gloria was fitting a splint to her hand as she said "Exactly. So tell me, how long had the bobble-head been up to no good?"
Oh, she was good! Absolutely brilliant. She'd already figured friend from foe, calmed Mara, attained common ground- especially clever about the lying- and moved in for the kill.
This was a woman Mara could respect. This was a woman Mara could love.
"Always, Dr. Verrano. Since before I was born, as far as I know. She thinks Haven is her personal laboratory. "
"You know anything about this implant? Something that could help me?"
Science! Yes, she could always fall back on science. She rubbed her thumb against Duke's fingers as she thought.
"It's a subcutaneous implant, approximately 2 centimeters by 4 centimeters. Made of some kind of tainted Aether mixed with a synthetic polymyer. It appears to have a type of nanotechnology and retractable barbs to make removal more difficult. It also appears to have been triggered by the pregnancy and then exacerbated by her trying to kill me today. Once per hour, it sends out a signal causing widespread anxiety and a drive to self-mutilate . If I fight the drive, the implant feels liks it's burning. From there it's ten minutes before I have to act again. It's reacting- or I should say it stops reacting when Duke's skin touches my own."
"Anything else that might help?"
Mara considered. "Oh, if I pass the ten minute mark, like by touching Duke, when the touch goes, I can't speak. I can't make any noise. That's what happened when you came in."
"You have any idea when it got put in?" Gloria was adjusting straps, quickly looking over Mara's arms to check on the cuts.
"I was thinking about that. I had wondered if she did it when I was a child, to keep me chaste because I was betrothed. But that doesn't make sense, because this didn't happen with James. So, at any point between James's birth to now. I believe right before I came as Lucy. She- I- that is to say, as Lucy I had just been told I was infertile and was struggling with the news. It seems the most likely timeframe."
"Well, I would like to take some scans to see what we're dealing with. You strike me as a smart one, so I think between us, we can crack it. I won't let that snooty broad outsmart me. I may be getting old, but age and treachery trumps youth and skill every time."
"You could really do it, too. If ever there was a human who could outsmart my mother, it's you. Thank you. Thank you so much."
"You're very welcome. Why don't you let me take a quick look at that head, okay? You're a special case, now. I usually don't like patients who can talk back."
Mara was a good patient, doing everything Gloria asked of her. As long as Duke was touching her, the crazed anxiety and desire for pain stayed away. She knew she'd have to be ready the second he stopped touching her, but until then, she was safe, didn't need to think about it. Gloria bandaged Mara's toe, patting her ankle gently. Mara saw Audrey whispering to Nathan, and he'd occasionally turn pale or a little green as he watched the doctor examine Mara.
When Gloria stood to leave, she paused and put a hand on Mara's head. "We're going to take care of everything. I mean it, I won't let her outfox me. I'll put together a sampler of medications that are safe for you to try, to calm the implant down. You get through tonight, kiddo, and I'll find a way to help you. You know what my Daddy used to tell me? He'd say 'You can't rat-fuck a rat-fucker.' He was right, too."
Mara looked at Gloria with her heart in her eyes. "What I wouldn't have given for a mother like you. If- when it's time to evacuate the town- would you help Duke, if you can? I know he'll be wonderful, but the things a woman needs to explain."
She swallowed hard against the lump in her throat, black tears rising in her eyes.
Gloria gave her a silly look. "Absolutely not. I'm going to find a way to help you instead, because that sounds like a job for the mommy, to me."
Mara nodded, understanding what Gloria was trying to tell her- not to give up, that she had friends in her corner. Embarrassed to say it, Mara used American Sign Language to say 'Thank you. I wish you were my mother.'
She was surprised into blushing when Gloria signed back, 'You're welcome, darling child." She hadn't expected Gloria to know sign language.
Audrey let Gloria out, stopping to grab Mara a bottle of water and some painkillers. Duke touched her upper arms so she could use her hand to take the pills. "You can't be expected to touch me all the time, Duke. You should sit down and be comfortable. I have an hour after each... episode. Please."
"No. Not right now, at least. I feel fine, and I saw what happened last time I let go. You couldn't even scream, Mara."
"I know what to expect now, though. I don't like the idea of you feeling like you have to touch me. I know how hard this is for you already. There might come a time when I really need to touch you. Maybe we should see how far it goes. If a lock of your hair or a drop of your blood would work. Maybe we can just tie a strand of your hair around my finger, right?" She knew she was stammering, babbling- that she was being painfully, stupidly hopeful. But as much as she craved his touch, Mara didn't want to be a burden. She didn't want him to be stuck with her.
Mara had been honest about her willingness to raise their baby alone, without asking Duke for anything, but so far, that wasn't feasible. She needed him with her constantly just to protect herself.
Sighing, Duke plucked several hairs from his hair, pressing his arm against hers as he braided them into a ring just barely big enough for her finger. He held her arm as she slipped it on; he dropped his hands when she nodded, and the pain was instantaneous, pure agony ripping at her chest. Her voice was gone and she wanted her hour. The chance for Duke to not have to stayed glued to her. She slashed at her arm quickly, before the restraining hands could stop her. At least she'd get her hour.
She gasped, panting as her voice came back. "Okay. Hair won't do it. Good to know."
"Mara." Duke looked desperate, close to tears. "You have to let me help you."
"And I will, but I won't have you be a prisoner to me. I get an hour each time. You can't be with me 24/7 no matter how quickly I can make the baby grow. Save it for when I can't make it stop anymore."
"I'm going to find that bitch and drag her back here. I'll make her fix it. If she wants to see pain, I'll give it to her."
Mara scoffed. "She's not hiding. She did this knowing someone would ask her for help. Maybe not for me, but for Haven. Because she'd assume you'd fear my death would hurt Audrey. She's not wrong. I still have her telephone number. I just don't know what to say."
Nathan hummed as he considered. "Why not just ask her what she wants? See what she wants in order to remove the implant."
"I'm afraid I know exactly what she wants. She made it clear. She wants to kill me and give Audrey my abilities. It probably didn't take her long to realize that it didn't work because I'm pregnant. She's a jerk, but she knows what she's doing. I don't know if she'll just expect me to let her kill the baby with me or worse- if she'll want to get her hands on the baby. I guess I can ask."
She stared at her phone for a long moment, trying to make herself calm and unbreakable. She needed to be like the trees, swaying and bending in the wind but not breaking, not letting the bluster cause lasting damage.
She needed to be like the Rouge, bobbing out at sea. Touching the water, yet still staying above, even it's great weight not forcing it to sink below the rolling waves. Duke's child was counting on her. She could do this.
Her hand didn't shake as she dialed, still picturing the ship on the waves. She pressed the speaker.
"I told you you'd call."
"You did. So why don't you tell me what you want?"
"Did you know you were pregnant, Mara?"
"No. I didn't."
"Is it Duke's?"
"Why do you care?"
"I care about understanding, Mara. What makes him able to breed with you when nobody else can."
"Wait, did you put that implant in just to have a warning if I conceived?"
"The last alarm system didn't work. I didn't find out about your son until he was grown. He was already a lost cause by then."
Her stomach dropped, and she couldn't see the trees or the boat anymore. She understood everything in a blinding flash.
Charlotte had tried to find James, had wanted to use James. She'd tried to convince him to work with her, but he was his father's son through and through, and he refused to be used or manipulated, especially to hurt his mother- Lucy, at the time.
"You killed him. because he refused you." Mara felt the fissure, the crack as part of her heart broke off. This was why James was still gone, why the Barn hadn't kept him healed, why he hadn't reappeared with her.
Charlotte had killed her son.
Unable to stop herself, Mara rushed to Nathan, wrapping her arms around his neck and gasping into his chest. She had to be quiet, couldn't let Charlotte know she was crying, but she had the instinct, the primal need to touch Nathan, the man she'd only had for a day, the father of her lost son.
She could hear Charlotte speaking from the speaker. "His death was an unfortunate accident. He was trying to resist, and the tools I was using weren't built for half-human physiology."
She took a deep breath. Mara wanted to close her eyes, but every time she did, she fell back into her Sarah days, remembering the feel of James moving inside her or the way his eyelashes rested on his cheek as he nursed. She stared at the phone instead, sinking to rest against Nathan's legs. Her body was shaking apart, but her voice sounded calm and even.
"You need to disengage the implant, or you won't be able to learn anything about this child. Make it stop and I'll tell you what you want to know."
"You'll tell me what I want to know either way. You don't have a choice."
"If you don't turn it off, I won't be able to carry to term."
"You don't have to. I can learn from dissection and genetic testing."
"Not if I burn to death." Mara snarled, angry enough now to push past the grief.
"You're afraid of fire, Dove. We both know you won't do that."
"It's true, Momma. I used to be afraid of fire. This implant, though. It burns me anyway. If me burning destroys your chance of learning about my child? Oh, you can bet I'll do it. I'll burn myself to spite you."
Charlotte was quiet for a moment. "I'll make you a deal. I'll turn it down- not off- long enough to allow the child to survive outside the womb. For a half-human, that should be... 25 weeks gestation. You give me access to the child then, and answer my questions. We can renegotiate then. How far along are you, Mara?"
Finally, finally a break. Charlotte didn't know about Duke, didn't have any idea he'd had Aether inside him or that Mara was now dangerously overfull of the substance. She could make the baby grow to term in probably 10 weeks, maybe less. The extra time was something they could use to make a plan.
"By last menstrual period, about 3 weeks."
She could hear the scratch of pencil against paper, and her lip curled in an unconscious sneer as she pictured her mother making notes. "You have 22 weeks. I'll turn the timer from one hour to four hours. You need your rest, but you need to be reminded who's in control of this situation, do you understand?"
"I understand."
"Find a way to bring William back, and I'll consider turning it off completely. Wouldn't that feel nice, Dove?"
"I don't know how."
"You're a clever girl. If you put your mind to it, I'm sure you'll think of something. I'll call you on this line tomorrow, and we'll see if you're in a more agreeable mood then. Remember, Mara- I tried to do this the easy way."