By the time Mara stood to go back inside, Audrey and Nathan were locked in a fierce embrace.
Right. Nathan could feel her again. Oops. Not the best time to have a studio apartment. Mara backed out silently before she could ruin the moment, wondering what the hell to do with herself. After a few minutes, when it started to get cold, she sighed and went down the stairs.
She stood next to the Gull, staring at the building thoughtfully. Maybe she could make herself useful. Shaking her hair out and making sure Duke's sweater was covering her arms, she went in.
There was a good crowd still, and all the employees were busy. Mara sidestepped and made her way to the bar, where Duke was pouring drinks.
"Can I help?"
Duke blinked, surprised to see her. "Aren't you supposed to be upstairs resting?"
"Yeah, well, they forgot to hang a sock on the doorknob. Let me help handle the bar."
"I appreciate it, but this is a bad time for a crash-course on bartending 101."
"I know what I'm doing. You forget Lexie was a bartender. You take that end, I'll take this end."
Duke raised his hands in surrender, moving to the other end of the bar as Mara started working. It was so easy to fall back into the old habits that had never been hers, and even with her dominant hand splinted, she smiled and chatted and poured twice as fast as Duke. When an order came up from the kitchen, she took the plates and trays to each table, courteous and efficient as if she'd been doing it her whole life.
Well, one life, at least.
Every tip she got, she made sure to give it to the server whose station she was assisting with. It wasn't their fault she was bored. A few patrons- out of towner's, she guessed since they didn't seem to recognize her- hit on her, and she managed to turn each proposition down in a way that made them feel complimented instead of rejected.
It was remarkably freeing in a way she hadn't expected. Just being useful, doing a job and not having to think about anything. And even Duke had to admit she was good- no errors, no spills, no maiming... It was better than sitting on a couch and staring at the clock, waiting for her next love tap from Charlotte.
It was just past midnight, and they were getting close to last call when the anxiety started to flow in. She had to force her smile and the banter with the customers was getting harder. Mara breathed deeply, bringing one more round of shots to a table of barely-legal college kids who she absolutely knew she'd be pouring into a taxi. As she set the drinks down, she smiled sweetly and said, "Okay, guys, hand over your keys. You're not going to be driving tonight, fellas."
They laughed and the two closest ones- one on her left, the other on her right- exchanged a lecherous grin. "You planning on taking us home?" Asked the one on her right. "You can tuck me in."
"You've definitely had enough to drink if you think that's happening. But I'm not having you plow into a semi or some innocent family just because you've had a few too many. Keys." She held her left hand out, waiting.
The guy on her left grabbed her wrist, pulling her closer. "We don't have to drive anywhere to have a good time. My truck is outside, seems fine to me." He grabbed her ass and her stomach lurched. She tried to keep the smile on her face as she said, "If you're attached to that hand, get it off my ass right now."
"Where would you rather I put it?"
This, this is what she remembered hating about being a bartender. Drunken idiots who thought they were clever.
"My suggestions wouldn't really be that polite, so how about just off my body. Does that clear it up?" She was smiling politely, but her eyes bored holes in his skull as she tried to pull her hand away. He was strong- maybe an athlete- and the more she pulled away, the more his grip tightened.
"Don't be like that, baby. Have a drink with us."
His friends laughed, encouraging him. Mara looked at all of them slowly. "This bar belongs to a friend of mine, so I'm going to give you another chance to do what I asked. He doesn't like cleaning up blood, you know."
The fingers around her wrist tightened, and Mara moved quickly, flipping his hand over and bending it back- not hard enough to break him, but enough to hurt- and her eyes flashed red as she looked around the table again. "Now, I'm about done asking nicely. I get your keys, you keep your hands. We clear?"
They gaped at her with wide eyes, and she pushed the hand a tiny bit farther. "Give her the keys, give her the keys damn it!"
Mara kept his hand in the same position until each man had deposited their keys in front of her on the table. Keeping her eyes red, she released the groper and snatched up the keys, a friendly smile on her face. "You can have them back when I see you into your cabs. Now, would you like to order something to help soak up the booze? The potato skins are fantastic. They'll help keep the hangovers more manageable, too." She blinked and her eyes were blue again.
She came back behind the bar, putting the order up on the spindle for the chef and noticed Duke staring at her. He'd given her a lot of different looks since she'd known him, but this was new. "What?" Mara asked as she poured a drink for another customer.
"You- that was amazing."
She smiled as she handed out the drinks, stretching her shoulders to try and push away the crawling anxiety. "I don't understand. I didn't do anything."
"That's the point! You didn't damage anyone, you didn't freak out and you got their keys. I was literally a foot away, about to step in and kick their sorry asses out, but you didn't need help."
She had a small, genuine smile as she rolled her eyes at Duke. "Bartender, Duke. Female bartender. It's not my first day on the job. Besides, I'm trying not to hurt people. It's bad for business."
"How do you manage to keep surprising me?"
She shrugged as she neatly mixed a vodka tonic. "Everyone needs a hobby."
Duke laughed, checking the clock. "Last call is in 15 minutes. People are clearing out, why don't you go upstairs and rest." The words were so innocent, but Mara had been watching the clock too. She knew her 4 hours were almost up. Duke didn't need to be there for that.
"Sure, no problem. These are the keys for the idiots at table five. I'll uh... I'll talk to you later. Thanks for letting me help."
She turned and left before Duke could respond, trying to understand why she wanted to cry. She trudged up the stairs slowly and opened the door just a crack, silent. There were things she just didn't want to see, and the sight of her former lover naked with her doppelganger was in the top five.
They were cuddled in Audrey's bed asleep, but at least they weren't naked. Mara tried not to look as she tiptoed to the couch. She quickly changed into one of the shirts Duke had left at the boathouse, leaving the sweater draped over the arm as she laid down and stared at the ceiling. She had the pocketknife in her hand, but didn't open it.
She wondered what it would have been like to sleep next to Nathan after they'd had sex. Always good enough to screw, never enough to sleep near. The dark thoughts and feelings swirled around inside her, and she knew part of it was the implant, but they were still valid. Pregnant by two men who wanted Audrey. She was like a computer operating system; she was the original, but everyone wanted the new model.
William had slept next to her their whole childhood. Usually with his arms around her. Mara had never, never doubted his love- until the day he came through with Charlotte. After that, she'd started doubting everything. There was a day when she would have sworn, bet everything she owned on the fact that William was with her completely for life.
The burning was starting to kick in. Mara had felt a little better when she was working, making herself useful.
Or maybe it was because she'd been working with Duke. Just existing side by side, working toward a common goal. It was like the rest of the world had just disappeared, their problems boiled down to filling orders and handling gropers. Mara had never wanted a normal life- toil and mediocrity with no real reward, never making lasting change. She had wanted to save the world- her world, back when she was a child, and after Samuel, this world. She wanted to save Haven.
Such an odd little town. When she and William had first been brought through, it was a strange mix of Native tribes and misfits from all corners of the globe. People trying to escape their homes. One of the first Troubles she'd given had been making food- any kind of food- turn into cake when the Target ate it. She was so very young, foolishly innocent and trusting. It had been after she'd witnessed a birthday celebration for the first time.
Her mother had punished her for that. Mara had been forced to write 25 pages on how Aether should properly be used. The next time she'd been told to give a Trouble, she'd created the first Wendigo. A taste for human flesh was far more interesting scientifically than a taste for cake.
As children, she and William had never asked why their work had to be negative and painful. They'd done what was expected of them, like any other child. Eventually she'd asked their mother why the misery was necessary, and her mother had responded, "The strongest steel is forged in the hottest fire. We will never know what they can become if their lives are easy. These creatures are barely even sentient, Mara, and you have the ability to make them better, to make them like us."
It had taken a long while to understand that they weren't worthy of being emulated.
The burning intensified and Mara tried to clear her head, thinking about what Duke had told Audrey about meditation. She was going to last as long as possible, to prove she was stronger than Charlotte and any of her little tricks.
Then she heard the voice from the bed- beaded curtains weren't very soundproof, and apparently Nathan talked in his sleep.
"Been waiting for you forever, Parker."
Mara sat straight up, grabbing for her pants and slipping them on, stuffing the sweater into her bag and holding her shoes so she could get out quietly. Once the door was closed behind her, she slipped on her shoes and ran.
She headed for the shore, sitting on a boulder as she stared over the water, sobbing. What had she been thinking? She couldn't stay with Audrey, obscured by the shadow that had been hers, listening to the man who had fathered her first child murmur words of love even as he slept. Her chest was on fire, and the knife was mocking her. It's why Charlotte had chosen this punishment. To show Mara how powerless she was.
Mara left her bag by the rock and waded into the sea, hoping to counter the burning in her chest with the frigid water. Deeper and deeper, until she was swimming, the water pushing her body to and fro. The burning didn't stop, but the movement was almost pleasant, and the injuries to her body were numbing.
Maybe, once the baby was born, safe with Duke and the town was evacuated, this would be the best way to die. The sea would forever tie her to Duke and their baby. Maybe particles of her body would travel outside the void.
She'd always been a believer in the Gods- her father had told her their stories since she was in a cradle, and even when things were dark and horrifying, she'd believed that they were watching out for them.
It wasn't that she wanted to give up- mostly- it was that she wanted that embrace, the soothing love that the gods could give her. She wanted a parental figure that loved her, that she could trust.
Hell, she wanted anyone who loved her and she could trust. But her family had taught her the most important lesson there was. That the only person she could trust was herself.
The vast difference in temperature between the sea and her tears made them feel hot, like they were burning her skin. It was a welcome distraction.
Duke had promised to take care of the baby. He would be a fantastic father. He'd show their child the world, tell them fascinating stories of far-off lands. Mara had 22 weeks, 12 weeks with her child- more than she'd had with James. She couldn't ask for more. Creatures like her, as her mother had often reminded her, were not meant for 'happily ever after'. They were born with a job, with responsibilities. They didn't get an honest life, just doing the best they could and enjoying the rest.
People like Mara had responsibilities. A duty to their people.
And Mara had a duty to baby Crocker.
With a deep sigh, she turned and headed back toward the shore. She was startled when arms grabbed her, and she choked down a mouthful of seawater and coughed violently as she flailed. She was just about to hit the figure behind her when she realized the burning had stopped. Duke.
She spluttered and shook her head, trying to clear the water from her eyes. "Duke, what are you doing?"
"Me? What am I doing? I went to check on you and you were gone! It was sheer luck that I saw you from the porch! Are you trying to get yourself killed?"
"Stop shouting! I know how to swim. I couldn't..."
"Couldn't what, Mara?" His arms were still around her as he tugged her to the shore.
As soon as her feet touched ground again, she muttered, "I couldn't lie there and listen to Nathan talk in his sleep about Audrey. Okay? The implant had kicked in and I thought maybe the cold water would counteract it. It didn't."
She was shaking, and her body was curling up around itself.
"Why didn't you just come back to the bar?"
"You sent me home, Duke. I have no home. I'm staying with Audrey." Mara was shaking, dreading the moment she lost contact with Duke. It would be bad. Worse than bad.
They kept physical contact as they came out of the water.
"You've got to talk to me about this stuff, Mara. Just tell me next time. If I'd known you were uncomfortable upstairs, I would have helped."
"H-how, Duke? You're going to make Nathan stop talking in his sleep? Maybe d-duct tape?" The cold bothered her more outside the water, and she couldn't stop the shaking or her chattering teeth.
"You can stay with me." Duke said, rubbing his hands up and down her arms, trying to warm her up.
"Either I'm hallucinating or you've been d-drinking. You've been dying to get me off your boat and stop playing warden. Why on earth would you offer to let me s-stay with you? I just got out of the hold, I have no d-desire to go back in."
Even in the dark, she could hear him roll his eyes. "I didn't say 'prison' or 'hold'. I want you to be safe, where you don't always have to be uncomfortable, Mara."
Hormones. Hormones were the only logical explanation for the tightness in her throat. "You'd be uncomfortable with me there. I only went to Audrey because I was desperate and didn't know what Momma was doing to me. I'm not a-asking for help. I don't need pity."
"Yeah, well I don't do pity. I would feel better if you were somewhere I could know you were safe. You said yourself, that's a Little Crocker. We grow better at sea."
A conundrum. She could stay with Audrey and be constantly exposed to Nathan- she wasn't in love with him anymore, but she had been for a very, very long time- or she could stay on the Rouge with the Duke, the man she was in love with. Either way, they had to work and she'd be on her own a great deal of the time.
The boat was more defensible, though. Charlotte had promised to turn the implant down for 22 weeks, but she hadn't promised anything else. The Rouge was also large enough to avoid each other, unlike the little apartment that was about as secure as the beaded curtain that separated the bedroom from the rest of the place.
"I'll pay rent. I can stay in the hold as long as there are no chains. I'm already a prisoner in my own body, I don't feel like d-dealing with more."
"I hadn't planned on chains, Mara, and I don't need rent. Where would you get money anyway? Now come on so you can get warmed up. Is your stuff still at Audrey's?"
She shook her her head, nodding toward the boulder she'd been sitting on. "My bag is over here." Oh, she hated what she had to say next. " Can I keep touching you just until we get to the boat? Or even just the car, I don't care."
Duke pulled her against his side, keeping his skin against hers. "I assumed because of the time you were in an 'off' mode. You made it a long time this time."
"Only because you were touching me the last few minutes. My fingers are numb, I'm afraid I'll slip and hurt more than I need to if I use my nails."
Mara saw his jaw clench from the corner of her eye. "I told you, you can touch me anytime. I meant it."
As they approached her bag, Duke took Mara's good hand, twining his fingers with her and hanging the duffle from his shoulder. "Come on, let's get out of here. Don't want you getting sick."
"You get sick from viruses, not body temperature. You know that."
"Humor me, Mara."
They got to the Land Rover, both getting in from the same door as Mara slid over to make room. She kept her hand on his arm as he drove, the heat cranked to 'high'.
"Aw, hell." Mara muttered.
"What, what's wrong?"
"Gloria is going to kill me. I need to take the splint off and let it dry once we get to your place."
Duke smiled slightly. "I'll make you a deal. I won't rat you out to Gloria if you don't take anymore night swims alone, okay? I want you to be honest with me, not worried about how I'll react. We've got to work together now, Mara. We can't be fighting each other when we need to focus on your mother." He chuckled quietly. "We both have shitty parents. And we're both a little scared of Gloria. See? When we actually talk, we have stuff in common."
Mara was surprised into a laugh. "You should be scared of Gloria. That woman is smarter than almost anyone I've ever met, and she's brilliant in the way she handles people. Hell, she manipulated me and I've been doing this for hundreds of years. I really, really recommend you never lie to her. She'll see right through you."
"Oh, I learned that years ago. Thankfully she's pretty easy to bribe. The woman loves fine booze."
"Don't we all?" She smiled despite herself as Duke parked at the docks, their wet clothes squeaking against the seats as they slid out.
Duke twisted his arm to take Mara's hand as they walked down to the Rouge, and as he let her in, he sounded incredulous as he said, "Is that my shirt?"
"Hey, you left it at the boathouse. That made it up for grabs. I saved it for you."
"And then you took it for a midnight swim." Duke replied dryly.
"Oh, it'll wash. I know how to run a washing machine."
"I desperately want to make a wet t-shirt joke right now."
Mara actually smiled. "I'd be disappointed if you didn't." She frowned a little. "I have to let go of your hand to take the wet clothes off. If I just take the hit now, I'll get another four hours."
Duke gave her a thoughtful look. "I don't like letting bad guys win. You trust me?"
"You're probably the only person I do trust."
Keeping her hand in his, he moved his other hand under her shirt, to her waist before he let her fingers go. The pain stayed away as Mara removed her shirt and wiggled out of her pants and shoes, leaving her in her bra and panties. She cautiously unstrapped the splint on her hand, leaving it open to dry.
"I'm going to have to shower, Duke." Mara curved her hand to his jaw. "I can't have you glued to me for ten weeks, and I can't sleep reeking of seaweed. Plus the whole sleeping situation. You can't protect me 24/7."
"I can damn well try."
"How do I shower? How do you work? Duke, 4 hours is a luxury compared to 1. "
"We've seen each other naked, Mara, and I was in the water too."
She was befuddled. "Are you suggesting we... shower together?"
He shot her that adorable grin. "It would be new, getting clean together. We seem to have nailed the 'getting dirty' part." One of his hands left her waist, resting on her abdomen.
For some reason, that simple gesture and the smile that accompanied it made the tears well up in her eyes. He was touching their child without horror or disgust, and he was trying to keep the pain away. "Okay."
Mara unbuttoned Duke's jeans and pushed them down, wrapping her lower leg around his, trying to keep some part of her touching him at all times. She let him pull his feet out, and pressed closer when he had to take his hands away for her to pull his own wet shirt off.
When he was nude, she stood and let him take her bra off and push her panties down, careful to keep her hands on his shoulders the whole time. They left their sodden clothing in a pile, holding hands as they went into the shower.
The hot water chased away the awful shuddering, and though they couldn't say whose idea it was, Mara was washing Duke's hair as he held her hips, careful not to use her right hand any more than absolutely necessary.
She continued to wash him with half-lidded eyes, memorizing the feel of his skin as she bathed him. When he was clean, he pressed his body against hers, washing her hair and face. She closed her eyes and relaxed as he washed lower, down her shoulders and arms, over her back and breasts and stomach.
This was one of the things she loved about Duke- he didn't have the typical human hang-ups about nudity and touching. He washed her carefully and thoroughly, as she had him, and they held onto each other as the warm water rinsed the soap away.
Mara wondered why Audrey had never tried to pursue a relationship with Duke. Why all of the fake personalities before her had chosen safe partners. Perhaps it was because he was exactly what she herself wanted. She'd forced Audrey to pull away in Colorado, irrationally jealous and possessive even when she was certain she'd never have the chance to touch him herself.
She was shocked, her breath stolen as she felt his lips brush her shoulder, still pressed close together, and maybe she had been a little smug when he hardened under her touch as as she soaped him, her good hand wrapping around him perhaps a little harder than was strictly necessary as she washed him there, but he got her back tenfold when it was her turn. Her head fell back under the falling water, and if his hands felt more like they were exploring that just washing, who was she to complain? She kept her arms around his neck, bathing as much in sensation as she was in water.
With all the pathos and pain of the day, she was surprised to feel herself responding to his touch, not bothering to muffle or hide the small sounds that came from her as she gasped, trying to breathe normally. He kept his hand on her, his fingers playing around her entrance as he stood studying her face.
"This, Mara. This is who I meant when I was wishing, do you understand now?"
She jerked a nod, her left hand wrapped around the back of his neck.
"Do you want me, Mara?"
"Yes," she breathed, "more than anything."
His arms were around her, lifting her until her thighs clamped around his hips. Her arms tightened around his neck, and she felt him, barely pressing against her as he said, "I want to hear you say it."
"I want you, Duke. I want to feel you inside me. Do you want me?"
"The way you are, Mara. I think I've wanted you forever."
He pushed slowly, and some muscles tightened as others relaxed, the fear and stress fading into small background noise in her mind. He was healthy and whole, the way she'd wanted him to be the first time- not suffering from his affliction, not afraid of her. He rocked into her because he wanted her, not because he was overloaded with Aether, depressed and desperate.
She kissed his neck, licking drops of water from his skin as her breath came faster, clenching and pulsing around him. Every time she squeezed, he pressed harder, and they were both out of control, panting and gasping and kissing every inch of flesh they could reach.
"Duke, please. Harder."
He groaned and pressed her into the shower wall, shaking her body with every thrust.
She wasn't quiet this time, uttering his name, unintelligible pleas and moaning whenever he hit that spot that made her see stars.
Her nails pressed into the flesh of his neck, trying to draw him closer, to make them one being. It wasn't a competition, but he still had a triumphant look on his face as she cried out, spasming around him. She kissed him hard, tracing her tongue over the roof of his mouth, nipping at his lips.
"Gods, please, Duke. I need you. Take me. I'm already yours."
He groaned, lips against her neck as he pushed harder, burying himself in her. She was trying to express her need, her trust and faith in him. She wanted to give him the world. Duke, the only one who had tried just talking to her, who had treated her as something more than a monster. His motions were faster, instinct taking him over, and she cried out again, coming with him this time. Every movement, every facial expression branded on her mind forever as he let go of that iron control. They met in the middle, both unmasked, and their bodies trembled and shook together, lost in bliss as the universe gave each of them the thing they craved most- acceptance.
They were panting, clinging to each other as they rode out their climax. When he finally pulled from her body, she felt like he'd taken part of her with him- part she was more than willing to give. Mara would walk the world over to get him a single blade of grass if he wanted it. She had no idea how different it could be when they were both being honest. Mara uttered words she'd never, never said aloud before, not wanting any more lies or secrets between them.
"I love you, Duke. I love you exactly as you are. You deserve to know. It frightens me, but I love you."
His answering smile was sweet and a little shy. "Exactly as I am? That might be a strain on you."
Her voice was deadly serious. "Exactly as you are. I want you as you are, Duke. Any difference and you'd be a different man, and you're perfect the way you are." Her legs were a little wobbly, but she didn't care. She could happily live her entire life this way; naked, held up and pressed to the most intriguing man in the universe.
Duke kissed her, long and slow as his hands rubbed her low back. "We're running out of hot water."
"Mm. Fine. I guess we've had enough cold for one night."
She kept her hand against him as he turned the water off and grabbed a towel. She was standing, once again, naked and dripping before him.
But the circumstances had changed drastically since then.
She hooked her ankle around his again, reaching up to dry his hair, rubbing the towel gently over his face and shoulders. She took the opportunity to touch. When he was dry, Duke dried her just as carefully, gently patting the injured flesh, rubbing the parts of her that were whole.
Duke held her hand as they exited the bathroom, both as naked as they'd been born, and Mara bit her lip thoughtfully. "I need my bag, and I need to know where to sleep." She was sure she was blushing, but they were back in uncharted territory.
He led her back to the couch, grabbing her bag and towing her back to his bedroom. "Sleep in here. Hard to touch you from anywhere else."
Mara cocked her head for a moment, then shrugged, heading for the bed with Duke, not bothering with pajamas. She knew he slept naked anyway, and she was tired of the acrobatics of dressing and undressing while maintaining contact with him.
She was a little surprised when he pulled her against him, his arm tight around her as he pulled her head to his shoulder. She wanted to make a witty quip, something that indicated she didn't need his pity. But Duke said he didn't do pity, so she stretched out against him, relearning what it felt like to sleep in someone's arms.