Mara's bladder woke her up.
She was still pressed tightly against Duke, his arm holding her close, hand on her waist. His heart thumped steadily where her ear was pressed to his chest. She studied him for a few minutes, just appreciating the way he looked asleep, still reeling that he'd slept next to her. That he was still asleep, holding her. The feeling was- it was too big, too overwhelming.
But so was the pressure on her bladder.
She remembered this from James. The constant need to pee. Growing the baby at such an accelerated rate? She may as well set up shop in the bathroom. Of course, she hadn't had to worry about agonizing pain and forced muteness back when she was carrying James- just nasty gossip and the occasional shunning.
Until the Hunter, at least.
Mara ground her teeth, reaching over the side of the bed, feeling around for her bag and the knife packed inside. She flicked it open, staring at the blade. Damn it. She didn't want to do this. But the moment she lost contact with Duke, she would pay for the reprieve Duke had given her. Bathing with Duke was... Mara grinned. It was fun and enlightening and amazing. But she still had some pride she just couldn't swallow, and that line ended where her excretory functions began.
Gripping the knife carefully in her left hand, she pressed it against her bare hip, the safest place she could think of. She slipped slowly down Duke's body, letting his arm slide to the mattress. She eased up onto her elbow, sliding her legs to the edge of the bed. Four hours.
She kept the fingers of her fractured hand against his skin as she took a deep, bracing breath. "I'm sorry, Duke." Mara whispered, pulling her hand away.
The pain was immediate and overwhelming. So much time had passed, the pain didn't even feel localized anymore. Her entire chest felt like it had been filled with molten lead. Her mouth opened to scream, and for a change she was grateful for the silence. She marshaled her considerable self-control and pressed the blade into her hip. The piercing of her skin helped, but not enough. Damn it, she had known Charlotte wouldn't let it stay small.
Mara dragged the blade down slowly, controlling her motions as well as she could, just wanting to do enough to make the implant stop. Two inches, and Mara gasped a sigh of relief, letting the knife fall from her trembling hand.
"You won't kill me that easily, you viper." Mara stood and rushed to the bathroom, pressing a tissue to her hip as she relieved the considerable pressure in her bladder. As soon as she stemmed the bleeding from her hip, Mara checked the clock, considering. She could go back to bed and cuddle with Duke, or she could surprise him with breakfast and coffee- she actually knew how he took his coffee. She should use her four hours to be productive, she could hang on Duke like an albatross later.
She stole another of Duke's shirts, not bothering with pants as she headed for his kitchen, searching for ingredients and starting the coffee in his favorite cup. She was just plating the omelettes when Duke came out, shirtless but wearing pajama pants.
"Good morning." Mara smiled at him. Her smile faded as she took in the look on his face. "What, what's wrong?"
"You're up. You're moving around. Where are you hurt, Mara?" His frown was angry and almost sad as he held out the knife, her blood dried on the blade.
She heaved a heavy sigh. "I had to use the bathroom, Duke."
"Why didn't you wake me up?"
"Damn it, Duke, she's taken everything else from me, I deserve the dignity of going to the bathroom alone! You can't be angry with me, gods- imagine if it was you! Would you want me to hold your hand every time you had to pee?"
His shoulders slumped. "I'm sorry. I was just- I want to help. I want to protect you."
All the fight went out of Mara, and she closed the distance between them, cupping his cheek in her palm. "I know you do, and I can't tell you how much that means to me. But I- if we're going to do this, I want to be your equal, not your dependent. If eventually she's endangering the baby, I'll do what I have to do, but I want, I need to keep a little pride. It's not at all that I don't trust you. I do, I trust you with my life. But this is all still so new to me. Please be patient."
His arms circled her waist, pulling her close and pressing his face into her throat. She stood on her toes, hugging him around the neck. His low chuckled rumbled through her body. "You're wearing another of my shirts."
She didn't let go of him as she laughed. "I like them. They smell like you."
Duke's hands traveled down, squeezing her ass. "And what do I smell like?"
She was glad he couldn't see her face, it gave her just enough bravery to say what she needed to. "You smell like home."
She felt his lips brush her pulse and she closed her eyes, melting into him. "I do?"
"To me you do. I've never really had a home, per se, but that's what you smell like to me."
He pulled his head back to look at her, and she tried to hide her face, certain she was blushing. He brought one hand to her chin, pulling her face up. His smile made up for her embarrassment tenfold. "That's one of nicest things anyone has ever said to me. I'd love for you to always be this relaxed."
"Mm. Say that in two months when I'm hanging onto you 24/7 and looking like a water buffalo."
"I'll still say it a year from now when your mother is in the ground or back in the pit she crawled out of and we're raising our baby."
Oh no, he was going to cause tears if he kept this up. But she couldn't stop the picture from forming in her mind- free of her mother and the Barn, raising a family with Duke. A baby swing next to the couch and a crib in the spare bedroom. Things that were impossible.
And yet, as she looked into his eyes, Mara felt the faintest stirring of hope. Duke was stronger than Charlotte. Duke was stronger than anyone. Maybe she could make herself strong for him, strong enough to earn her freedom. If that took a thousand cuts, she would bear the scars proudly. Every minute, every second of torment would be worth it.
She still had to wipe at her eyes, but she smiled as she said, "I made us breakfast. And I made you coffee. Come eat while it's still hot." She took his hand, leading him to his seat, putting his plate in front of him before she sat next to him.
"I didn't know you cooked. This looks great!"
Mara rolled her eyes. "Like you didn't know I could tend bar. You're not the only one with a varied past, Crocker."
He wiggled his eyebrows at her as he grabbed his fork. "I bet there are still things I could teach you."
"There's actually quite a lot you could teach me. Jobs and chores, I understand and remember all of that, but I- Gods, you're going to think this is stupid, but I personally have a very limited sexual history." She chuckled as he coughed.
"But- I mean, hundreds of years..."
She chewed thoughtfully for a moment. "I didn't make those choices, Duke. So I tried to turn away from certain experiences. Let the personality do whatever, because it always made me angry. I knew none of the people who'd- there's really no delicate way of saying this- the people who used my body, they weren't there for me and it made me feel sick. Disgusted. I was trapped under the new personalities. Nathan fooled me, but that wasn't his fault. He had no way of knowing who or what I was. I was desperate and lonely, and he acted like he knew me. Looked at me like he knew me. I started kicking my own ass over that the second I met him when I came back to Haven, when Audrey was dominant. I still hurt over it."
Duke's eyes looked as old as her own for a moment. "Well, we have that in common, too."
Mara nodded. "I know. I know he hurt you. I know you loved him. He loved you too. But where curiosity and love are usually your prime motivators, Nathan's is fear. In your case, fear that he couldn't keep you here, but was afraid to leave here himself. It wasn't because he didn't love you."
He looked honestly curious as he asked, "How do you know? How did you even know that we-"
Mara's smile was a little bitter as she held up her hand to him. "The Aether from the Troubles I made, it still tells me things. When I say my handprints are all over everyone here, it's not just metaphor. What I created stayed linked to me. It's part of the reason I tried so hard to fix everything. Seeing the pain that I'd caused, the fallout through the generations, it hurt. To my mother, all humans are like rats. Short lifespans, easily trained through negative reinforcement. Easy to study. But I had to keep a part of you- all of you. Sammy wasn't the only motivator for me. I understood what he was asking of me, what he was saying, because I could feel the pain. William didn't, because it was never him who put the Troubles in. He could only adjust them once I'd planted them. I know because I can still see and feel all of it."
"You really think he loved me?"
"I know he loved you. Still loves you. It's why he's so hard on you. He can't... he has trouble expressing emotion. He feels so much psychologically, partly because of the lack of physical stimuli and partly because he was so badly abused as a child. He doesn't remember any of that, but it still affected him. But he's terrified of emotional pain. He can't hug you, so he hits you. But the way he looked at you and touched you when you came back from the Void, that's how he's always felt. He just can't express it."
Duke swallowed, reaching out to sip his coffee. "This food is delicious, and the coffee- It's perfect, how did you know?"
Mara shrugged, smiling as she let Duke change the subject. "A girl's got to have some secrets."
He smiled back, and for that moment, everything was perfect. It was the kind of moment you remember your entire life, that ideal space of happiness and tranquility.
It made Mara want to be strong, to fight. So they could have more moments like this. Yes. She was going to beat her mother- outsmart her, protect Duke and their baby, and she was going to be standing when Charlotte was long gone. She'd live and she'd prove how wrong Charlotte was- about humans, and about people like Mara not getting a 'Happily Ever After'.
She was going to win for Duke, for herself, and for their child.
She leaned in to kiss his cheek, and he looked so surprised, like that was something that never happened to him. She scanned the Aether inside her and realized; it was. Loving touches, touches that weren't after something- driven by lust or greed or fear- he wasn't used to them. Someone always wanted something, there was always a selfish motivation of one sort or another behind them. Well, not anymore.
She bumped his shoulder with her own. "What are your plans for the day?"
"Didn't I tell you? I'm the boss, I make the schedules. I'm taking the day off. We're going to start learning, Mara."
She smiled, delighted at the idea and the thought he'd put into it. "Sounds like the best day ever."
"After breakfast, we're putting that splint back on you. No telling when Gloria could show up, and I can protect you from about anything, but she scares the hell out of me."
"You're the smartest man I know, Duke Crocker."
He chuckled and Mara's phone rang. She grabbed it, affecting her best 'distant' voice as she answered. "Hello?"
"Oh god, Mara, where are you? Are you alright? We woke up and you were gone, please come back, please. You cant do this alone."
The abject fear in Audrey's voice shocked Mara to tears. She actually cared. Mara had been so unkind to her, had hit her, and Audrey still cared that Mara was suffering. She wiped her eyes with her napkin, relaxing her voice. "It's okay, Audrey, I'm fine. I'm with Duke. It's a long story, but you guys need space and Nathan talks in his sleep. It's good. He let me help at the Gull and everything. I'm sorry, I didn't realize- I didn't think you'd care. I should have known better. I'm really sorry. I should have given you more credit. I'm sorry I was cruel to you and I'm..." She wiped her eyes again, sniffling. "I should have given you more credit."
"Oh Mara. I'm just glad you're okay. How are you feeling?"
"Speeding up gestation with Aether is not for the faint of heart, but I'm fine. I'm still on the four hour clock, but if I'm touching Duke it doesn't affect me. I may have gotten in a little trouble when I had to pee, but we worked it out."
"How are you guys getting along?"
Mara couldn't help but smile a little. "Pretty well. Exceedingly well, for me. He's been wonderful."
"We're going to do some research, see if we can find Charlotte, or help Gloria find a way to remove what's hurting you."
"Audrey, you can't go near Charlotte, especially on my behalf. If she thinks you have any sympathy toward me, you could be in danger."
"What if I don't go anywhere alone and I shoot her with a taser?"
"Well... that could work, I guess- but only if you have the element of surprise. She's not an adversary you want to take head-on. Please. I... I don't want you getting hurt because of me, because you're trying to help me. I want you and Nathan to stay safe."
"Can we come by later and talk? Maybe we can brainstorm."
Mara looked at Duke, covering the phone with her hand and whispering. "Audrey wants to know if they can come over and talk later."
She'd caught him in the middle of his last bite, and he held up a finger as he swallowed. "Yeah, just tell her to knock first." He winked and Mara blushed.
"Yeah, that's fine. Just knock first. We're... being cautious."
Audrey snickered. "A little late for caution, don't you think?"
Mara gasped a shocked laugh. "Aren't you supposed to be the good one?"
"Eh, well. There's another dirty joke there, but I'll let it be for now. But I'd like to really talk, if we can."
"Yeah. I think that would be good. I have things I need to say to both of you. And you have a filthy mind. I guess we have something in common after all."
"That's the beauty of life, Mara. Always something new to learn."
"This time I'll skip the dirty joke."
Audrey laughed, and the sound reminded Mara of wind chimes. "We'll see you later."
Mara hung up, shaking her head with a bemused smile. She looked up at Duke. "She's not so bad, I guess. She- they- want to help."
He wrapped his arm around her shoulders, kissing her head. "We'll take all the help we can get. We'll tear that bitch to pieces."
Mara just cuddled closer, trying to experience real happiness for perhaps the first time in her life.
Duke tried to get Mara to play Monopoly with him, but she flatly refused. She remembered an old game with Vince and Dave that had gone on for ten hours, and there was still no winner. Mara suggested Scrabble, and Duke agreed, as long as they could use words from other languages.
They sat on the floor, each trying to outwit the other, but the moment Mara played the word 'love', Duke quickly changed it to 'lover'- she used the 'e' to spell 'Duke', and the game quickly devolved into foreplay. It was barely ten minutes later that she crawled over to him, wrapping her bare legs around his hips as she sat in his lap.
She was wearing nothing but his shirt still, and she pulled it off immediately. They'd lived with enough barriers between them, and Mara was done with barriers.
She kept her hands on his face, the left demanding, the right simply stroking his stubble with her fingertips as she explored his face. His skin was like velvet, and Mara pulled him closer, pressing her chest to his.
She kissed him fiercely, desperately- Duke was all that mattered to her, him and their child and the chance, the chance to live free, to be happy and make her own way, a life that mattered. Free of physical or mental cages, free of her own self-hatred. He made her feel good, worthwhile- something that she'd given up on but still missed terribly. The burning in her body had nothing to do with the implant now, she craved Duke, not pain. His hands, his smile, his child growing inside her- these were the things she lived for now.
And she would live, she'd live to spite her mother, to prove that she was stronger, smarter, and that with Duke at her side, they would be unstoppable.
His hands slid up her body, cupping her breasts- already tender and swollen- in his soft, strong hands. Mara whined deep in her chest, pulling at him. She could feel his erection through the thin cotton pants he wore and she pressed against him, her hips swiveling over him.
"You're overdressed, Duke." Mara murmured.
"Agreed."
She knelt up, letting him wiggle out of the pajama pants before she lowered herself again, rubbing herself against him, his silken flesh against her overheated skin. Her breath came in panting gasps, one hand fisted in his hair, the fingertips of the other stroking his face.
She was so, so tired of mistrust. Of lies and secrets and hiding. She pressed her lips to his ear as she pressed down on him. "I love you. I've always loved you." Then he was inside her, and she couldn't speak- could barely think coherently.
There was nothing, absolutely nothing like the feel of Duke filling her, of her muscles tightening around him. She rocked against him, still clinging to him. His hands moved around her, one tangling in her hair, the other pressed firmly to her lower back, his fingers pressing tight against her skin as he groaned, his head turning to press a kiss to the hand she held to his face.
"Mara, I- oh god- I'm so glad you're you."
Tears fell from her eyes as she clenched around him, feeling like she'd earned some kind of reward. Loving words and gentle touches, his desire for her, for who she really was, who she could be, all surrounding her like she surrounded him, and she gasped and cried out, feeling like she's been shredded and reborn, born perfectly this time- loved and wanted the way she was.
Duke shifted, laying her back on the rug as he stayed sheathed inside her. He kissed her, hard and demanding, pleading with her body as she tried to bring him closer. She watched his face as he moved, the way his eyelashes brushed his cheeks, the movement of his lips as he breathed between kisses. He wanted her. He knew what she was and what she had done, and he still pressed into her, murmuring her name as her back arched, all pretense, all her carefully crafted disguises gone. He had unraveled her, torn her apart completely and put her back the right way.
He was sweating and panting, running his lips all over her face and when she cried his name, he pushed deep into her, loosing his own low, guttural cry as he came, their bodies pressed so tightly together that they occupied the same space, and she felt loved, something she had never expected or dared to hope for. Loved for herself, not for any fake personality or jumble of memories that belonged to another person.
Her arms and legs were wrapped around him, cradling him against her as she continued to kiss him, trying to say everything without words. She kept her lips pressed to Duke's as he pulled out, and she relinquished her grip on him reluctantly, stretching out on the rug as he flopped down beside her. Mara took a few second to catch her breath, to blink the tears from her eyes before he pulled her against him, pressing his lips to her forehead.
His voice was deep and sleepy. "If you need to use the bathroom, I suggest you do it now. When your four hours is up, I'm not letting go until and unless I absolutely have to."
She narrowed her eyes at him. "I'm starting to think you have a thing for damsels in distress. Not that I am. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself."
He looked into her eyes, raising one brow at her. "Don't remember saying you were. I think what I said was once I have a good excuse, I'm not letting go. You knew I was needy when you slept with me. You really have no one to blame for this part but yourself."
He startled her into laughing. "You can spin words even better than I can, I think. Duke, I don't want you getting fed up or frustrated with me. I don't want you resenting me."
He rolled on his side to face her. "When you said I was afraid of abandonment by women, Mara... you weren't wrong. When I ran around that corner and saw her with her arm around you, obviously doing something, I think my heart literally stopped. I was afraid I'd blink and you'd be gone. I was angry about some of the things you said because they hit too close to home. You really do understand me better than anyone else, and that fucking scared me for a long time. I didn't know what that said about me- that I was intrigued by you even when I thought you had done all those things- you know, it kind of felt good, knowing that someone else could understand those negative feelings in me.
"I was relieved when you were still there when the dust settled, and I was frankly shocked that you let her go. I wanted to stop her myself. I understand why, and I respect your feelings, but I don't know that I could have been that forgiving. And knowing what I do now, I wish I'd shot her ass. I may still shoot her if I see her. Not to kill- I want to force her to take that damned thing out of you first. But I'll happily hurt her, and I won't lose sleep over it.
"You and this baby and me, we belong together. I'm not going to let her win, Mara. There's no way I'm losing you, not either of you. You said I smelled like home. For me, you feel like home. It's not a feeling I'm used to, and I'm not willing to let go of that. So please know that when I hold you or touch you, it's not because I feel like it's my duty. It's because I want to. The implant means you have to let me touch you. I hate what it's doing to you, but I won't resent you. I promise."
Mara smiled a little, running her eyes over his face. No trace of a lie. "I'd make a home with you, Duke. Something neither of us have had. There's a lot that we can learn together. But hey, I have a question. I wouldn't want to be paid or anything, but being useful makes me feel better. Would you consider letting me help at the Gull more often? I'm good at the work, and it's good for me to be productive."
His smile was devilish. "Will I get to boss you around?"
"Mm. You can try. I take reasonable requests. I'd still be an employee, technically. And I solemnly swear not to maim any customers, and any tips I'll give to the employees I'm helping, you have my word."
"Yeah, Mara. I'd like that a lot. You're a hell of a good employee. I'm pretty happy with my crew, but you're pretty amazing. I didn't know what to expect, but you kind of kicked my ass when it came to the bar. You're welcome to come and work any time you want, okay?"
She smiled like he'd given her a gift. "Okay, I need to use the bathroom, I'll be back. If you want, you can call Audrey and Nathan and let them know we're decent. I'll be sure to put clothes on."
He chuckled as he pulled his phone out. "You know where my stuff is, help yourself."
"I always do." Her smile was sweet and she kissed his cheek. She stood stretching before she started turning for the bathroom.
"Wait, Mara?"
"Hmm?"
"Is your hip okay, or do I need to take a look?"
"It's shallow and it stopped bleeding hours ago. It's fine. But if it makes you feel better, I'll ask you to take care of anything I can't do myself. Fair?"
"I'll take it."
The bemused smile didn't leave her face as she used the bathroom, going to the bedroom to pull on some cotton yoga pants and a tank top, and she grinned widely as she borrowed one of his cardigans.
He owned some really comfortable clothes. She couldn't be blamed for using them.
She stared into the mirror as she brushed her hair, wondering what Duke saw in her. A tiny voice, one she hadn't heard since before the Barn spoke up- her own voice, young and inexperienced and afraid. 'Hope. Possibility. Acceptance.' Mara considered the words. Though she had trouble admitting it, part of her understood- felt the same way. He hoped he could make her a better person. She hoped she could be a better person.
The possibility of them having a future together, of neither of them going to bed hurting and alone, rejected and misunderstood was almost painfully appealing. They could make something amazing if they worked together. They could make a family, and heal each other at the same time.
Acceptance was the one she got stuck on. She accepted him completely, embracing his flaws as totally as she did the rest of him. To Mara, he was perfect the way he was- she just wanted to take the fear from him, the dread that he'd eventually be left alone. She didn't know how to accept herself, but she was willing to do anything to take that fear from Duke, and if learning how to accept herself was what was required of her, she would do her best.
He wanted to help her, was willing to keep her near him to do it. Audrey and Nathan wanted to help her. She had to let them, for Duke and for the baby, and for the piece of William that was just hers, the part that she still prayed wasn't truly damaged beyond repair. One day she wanted to see him happy, free of their mother. She wondered if Charlotte had done something to him, like she was doing to Mara, to force him to act the way she wanted. One day Mara was going to save William, if he could be saved. She still loved him, though she found now that she didn't want anyone but Duke, she still wanted her brother to be free and happy.
Mara closed her eyes, breathing deeply. She had to win for all of them. But Duke was with her, and the Aether that snubbed Charlotte loved Mara. She could do it. She could do anything, would do anything just to see her child's smile.
She was still smiling as she came back out to Duke, who had dressed and was putting the Scrabble board away. She pressed against his back, wrapping her arms around him and squeezing.
He made a contended sound as he turned to hug her back. "What was that for?"
"For being you. For trying to help me learn."
He smiled, kissing her ear. "Nate and Audrey are coming over, they said they're bringing food. We're going to put our heads together and figure out a way out of this."
"Will you text Gloria for me and let her know where I am? I don't know that she'd try to reach me or not, but I really like her. I want her to know where to find me if she does want to talk to me."
"I'd be happy to. She likes you, you know. She's pretty picky, too. It actually means something when Gloria likes someone."
"I like her, too. She loves you, and that makes me trust her. Man, I never thought I'd trust anyone again, ever."
"We're learning, Mara But we'll be alright as long as we're together. Do you believe me?"
"I do. Of course I do. I'm going to live, you know. I can't pass up the opportunity to see you with our baby. Whatever I can't do myself, I know I can do for you and for the baby."
His smile was warm, and the look he gave her made her blush. "Tough as nails. You're as strong as you are beautiful. Come and let me love on your while we wait for the dynamic duo."
They curled up on the couch, Mara cuddled into Duke's lap. She held his hands in her own, and she relaxed against him as his hand settled over her abdomen. Another perfect moment suspended in time. Another bit of undeniable proof- proof that she could have a life, proof that she didn't need her mother to change her for her to feel happy. All she'd ever really needed was someone to allow her to feel and enough freedom to learn to accept it.
She may not have all the answers yet, but she had the will, not just to survive, but to learn to be better, to be happy. And the people who wanted to help her- Duke, Gloria, Audrey and Nathan- they were the people she could trust to teach her.