Spoiler alert: Another life, audio book

Beta-ed: TattoedLibrarian

A dry spell, Jack thought to himself, a dry spell was to blame for everything, he thought while he was watching Ianto's face form a very warm smile. It was that kind of time, just after orgasm, when even men would soften up, but this was different, this was real emotion, not just relaxation. Of course it was a real emotion; Ianto was a real man, not some random stranger that put on a show for him. Jack most definitely needed to go back to good looking strangers with a good show. He neglected beautiful strangers for far too long. That was the only reason for that feeling to overtake him when Ianto gave him that smile. In fact he would go out tonight, find somebody, erase that need, the need to wrap himself around Ianto and just stay there until he absorbed all the atoms of that warmth. He didn't give in to that need; it was far too dangerous to go after those kinds of emotions.

It was real emotion on Ianto's face, but it was just a passing emotion, nothing really deep. It was something that withered in the daily sun. Jack had chased enough short lived flames to know where the chase ended. It ended in bitter and stoned expressions of deception and betrayal. Even the faces of his children, their baby faces that showed pure and deep love; turned away from him, following their mother away from him and his decisions, his way of viewing the world. But he couldn't linger on that too long, it wasn't their fault they couldn't see the future that he had seen.

Instead of going out in search of the flesh that would burn his fingers, that would need so much more, he climbed up on the roof. He loved standing on the roofs of tall buildings. They stood in their pursuit of the sky, reminding him that he would get out there someday, but that didn't comfort him, not anymore, because even there he would still be different, maybe even more so. It was the cold air that soothed him. The cold wind would embrace him and he would feel like he was one with the world. It would remind him that perspective is there to see, the big picture, even if people don't lift their heads and just look at it. But he could almost see the pattern that moved the world forward; that need for life, for expansion, that search for right way between terror and pure hell of compliance.

When his skin was cooled down by pure air, Jack took a deep breath and reconsidered his mixed emotions. He was used to his own turbulences but exercising detachment he managed to get this far without sitting and just staring at the wall while time passed him by. He tried that once, it was no fun at all.

Apparently Ianto did something to him, moved his established emotions from their patterns. Not in a bad way, but it was disturbing. Like tonight, if he hadn't stepped in he would have probably gotten too entangled in Gwen's story, and then he would have to back out and return to Owen's issue. That would surely lead to answering that disturbing question that always followed him.

"Do you always know best, Jack?"

This way he ended up on the roof thinking of his sex life. Of course he didn't know best, he just went with the flow and by feeling. He sure hoped that his hunches and perspective were worth something, but how could you know for sure. Like Ianto and Gwen, there was a time he could go both ways; before their trip to the country, when Owen cut in, there was an opening. But there was a nagging feeling that anything with Gwen would end up in tantrum and tears, a lot worse than the show she put on last night. When Ianto opened the door there wasn't that feeling, no sign of danger. It was just that simple invitation with no strings attached. Ianto had proven to live up to that invitation, but still. Every now and then Jack could feel that door, a door to deeper layers of Ianto. Jack has seen up close just how deep Ianto could feel, and how far he would go. That glimpse did wake up Jack's inner shark that wanted to pull apart that door and devour every last thing that he found there. The thing that always stops him, and makes him to let go of the boy, wasn't the fact that he would be trapped there in search of more, and there can't be enough for him, not for him. But for realization that Ianto wouldn't be able to defend himself, he just doesn't have that in him. He didn't possess that necessary dose of cold detachment, the one thing that could keep Jack at bay.

Even Gwen possessed that cool wall inside her that she could bring up and do what she believed was right. Like that time she pressed the button and watched him drown. He wasn't in control at that time but he still remembered the look in her eyes. She was very much like him; she could gather herself up and do what was needed in spite of what she felt. Because of that he trusted her even more; he knew she would stop him if he became a monster. Tosh and Owen had that too, Tosh would cry all the way but she would press the button, the trigger, whatever it took.

Ianto was different. He had gone through his share of grief and loss, but unlike rest of them, he hadn't hardened from it. He softened up. When he cried after Lisa in the basement, it was too much for Jack to bear. He couldn't look at that bare emotion, that raw pain that wasn't filtered through any kind of rationalization. He fought till the end, refusing to accept his own defeat. But when it came he didn't deny it, or try to diminish it, he let it wash over him and he swallowed it whole. No one was more surprised than Jack when he got through it alive. Jack had to admire that. Ianto seemed to know how to steer through pain and hurt and even Jack seemed to serve like some form of coping mechanism, but he knew his usefulness would expire soon. When that came he would let go without regret because that boy deserved to live and love. If anyone did, Ianto did.

Advice: Trust me, this is a good spot for taking a pause, to drink something and walk some.