December 1st

11:12 OST

It had definitely been one of those days that felt a lot longer than it was. It had been around seven o'clock when I left my apartment and now only four hours later I was stumbling toward the door to the lobby, but those four hours had felt like days.

The cold tingling of the medi-gel on the left side of my face was still very odd-feeling, but it was vastly preferable to the throbbing pain that had been there before. Apparently free medical treatment came as a perk of employment with the Blue Suns, as I had been taken care of with no questions asked. The batarian medic with the team that had transported us told me that the external part of the ear hadn't been completely ripped off like I had thought, but most of it was shredded. I couldn't really see or feel it due to the medi-gel, so I'd have to evaluate the damage later. My helmet had superficial damage, the bullet had not only bypassed my shields but had also gone through the opening on the lower half of the face area. There was some tearing to the interior padding, but otherwise it was fine. I was going to have the mouthplate up from now on after this.

Another mark of being in the Blue Sun's employ was still stinging a little on my right shoulder. I had nearly forgotten that the Blue Suns had tattoos somewhere on their bodies as proof of membership. One of the turians on the other team had done it and he seemed decently skilled. It looked rather good, like something I might have gotten done on my own. The shoulder had seemed best, I could easily cover it if I had to and it wasn't anywhere obvious or private. I had never gotten a tattoo before and had expected it to hurt more, but having two gunshot wounds still aching put it in perspective.

The turian that had recruited me, who later introduced himself as Sergeant Dyric, arranged for my medical treatment as well as Vilnius' and told us to go home after the tattoo was done, but not before divvying up the weapons salvaged from the gang. Everyone had gotten something: Vilnius acquired a new pistol, Javern got a pistol and shotgun, Brek gained a better assault rifle along with one of the pistols and Hyrn was given the sniper rifle. I myself had an Avenger assault rifle folded up on my back. The sergeant had kept the mods for the merc company, claiming that the weapons were inexpensive and easy to find but some of the weapon mods they'd found were on the rare side and might be of value. He did, however, give Hyrn, Vilnius and I some of the omni-tools recovered from the gang members. I got the 'tool of the salarian who shot me, which I felt equal amounts gratified and perturbed about.

The sergeant distributed payment, six hundred credits each, to the other recruits. My payment was reduced to one hundred for the earlier repairs. We were then all told to come to the Blue Sun base in Gozu District tomorrow. The team of rookies had gone our separate ways after that. Javern and Brek seemed only too happy to go and Vilnius had quietly sneaked off while I wasn't looking. Hyrn still looked a bit out of it and distant, but he assured me he could get home on his own so I let it be. I had made it back to my apartment in one piece when I was in his shoes, despite still not remembering the trip.

I was looking over my newly-acquired omni-tool as I shambled over to the front door of the apartment complex. As I entered, Taren shot up from the front desk and hurried over to me.

"Where have you been? Are you okay?" I was way too tired to try and decipher his facial expression and tone, but making a guess based on his previous interaction with me I thought he might have actually be worried for me. I remembered deciding to not tell him what I was doing, and now I regretted causing him concern.

It took me a moment to get the words out; my mouth was very dry. "I'm okay. I've been hired by the Blue Suns."

The batarian was edging into my personal space, but I found I didn't mind that much. He was glancing between the assault rifle on my back, my damaged helmet and my face. "You what? Why did you- is that medi-gel on your face?" Taren's voice got higher when he noticed that, and he took another step closer.

"I got shot. It's okay. They treated it." I was still kind of mumbling. "Look, 'm tired. I think I'm gonna sleep for a bit, m'kay? But everything's fine, you don't need to worry." I took a careful look at his face. He looked unsure, but he just nodded and backed off. I wandered down to my room, locked my door and flopped on my cot. I was out like a light in a few seconds.

December 2nd

03:52 OST

I had been drifting in and out of consciousness for a few hours now. My dreams were unnerving and unpleasant, but not enough to make me get up. I just lingered in a malaise. I felt somewhat sore from sleeping in my armor, and my right side was reminding me that it was recently injured. The medi-gel had lost its coldness and the pain was beginning to seep in again. A minor buzz I associated with an oncoming headache lingered in my brain, but I was unmotivated to get up and find my very small stash of painkillers. I just wanted to lay there all day and drift.

In truth I was letting myself exist in this unthinking state because I knew if I started thinking I'd remember that I had been party to about fifteen people's deaths yesterday and that I now had a job where that was a regular occurrence. It was better to just not think and not have to deal with that existential crisis.

I have to get up.

No I don't.

Yes I do.

No. I don't.

There's this thing. It's called food. I kinda need it to survive.

Screw food. Who needs food anyways?

I'm also thirsty.

Screw water. Liquidious bastard.

I need to do something about the headache.

I hurt everywhere else. Why not my head too?

Get the fuck up. If I want to keep the job I just got I need to get up in the next few hours and go to the base.

…goddamnit.

I carefully rolled off the cot and onto the floor, where I flopped around for a bit before pulling myself up into a standing position. I staggered about the small room getting things to eat, drink and kill my pain while I shook off the drowsiness.

Once I was feeling a bit more alive I did my usual exercise routine, then pulled out the salarian's omni-tool. It looked like I'd have my work cut out for me reconfiguring it; not only was it in a different language but it looked like it had a different operating system too. Trying to access it with my own omni-tool, one on each arm, had some success but I'd have to spend some time hacking it and changing its language settings before I could really use it. I deactivated it but left it attached to my right wrist and didn't reattach my gloves. Instead I got out my new gun, which was a red color and had the Elkoss Combine symbol on it. It was heavier and bulkier than I was used to, but that was to be expected. After some exploration, I found the button that triggered the folding-unfolding mechanism. It appeared to be functional, and my helmet's HUD linked up with its smart targeting system with no problem.

I'll have to start practicing with this too.

I turned the rifle over in my hands, looking it over and familiarizing myself with every detail of it. Something caught my eye, a speck of dark blue contrasting with the red paint. A chill came over me. I dabbed tentatively at the spot but it stuck to the gun's surface. I scraped it off with a nail and it cracked and flaked. My hand shook as I looked at the dried blue crust on my skin.

I rushed over to the sink and began washing my hand off.

Thoughts bubbled up out of the dark corners of my mind, but I just scrubbed and rubbed and pushed back at them. I pushed until they were buried, still there but out of my consciousness. I did not want them, I did not need them.

I stopped cleaning my hand. The area of skin I'd been cleaning was red and irritated. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and gave one final mental push.

Moving on. Just keep moving on. I need to go to the Blue Sun's base around 10:00. I have several hours. I gripped the sides of the sink and leaned forward, contemplating my options. I can go to Lagrange Point. I can get some target practice. I can get started on hacking the salarian's omni-tool. I can talk to Taren. I can try to talk to Lera.

Lera had contacted me a few days after our falling out. She still seemed upset with me but she accepted my apology, which was about all I could ask for. I hadn't told her what I was doing yesterday either, and I had no idea how she'd react. I should probably get that out of the way. I'd rather not, but if she finds out from Taren I'll never hear the end of it.

Making my decision, I sent a short text message to her omni-tool requesting a live communication. A couple minutes later, my 'tool was pinged and a vid screen popped up with Lera's familiar facemask on it. "Hey, what's going on?" She sounded a bit distracted, and I couldn't recognize where she was. It looked like she was working on something in front of her.

I frowned a little. "Is this a good time? You look like you're in the middle of something."

"Huh?" She turned to look at something behind her, then looked back at whatever she was working on. "Oh, its fine, I can talk. Your text said you had something to tell me?" She hadn't noticed the medi-gel on my face, for which I was grateful. She might have flipped her lid otherwise.

I swallowed and gathered up my courage. "Uh, yeah… um, I kinda joined the Blue Suns yesterday."

"Wait, what?" She stopped whatever it was she was doing and looked straight at the vid-cam. "You did what?!"

"I was hired by the Blue Suns."

"Why?" Lera's tone was incredulous and scathing at the same time.

"Because it's a job." I felt a strong need to defend myself, and my retort was a bit harsh. "Because I'll be getting an actual paycheck for once!"

"There's no need to get bitchy." There was a note of affront in her voice and I backpedalled, recognizing my error from previous situations. I regretted telling her what being 'bitchy' meant in English now.

"I'm sorry, I just… I needed a job. You understand, right?" I tried to make my words sound as non-confrontational and apologetic as possible.

Lera's response was less heated but still pointed. "Yeah, I do, but this? Being a mercenary? Are you crazy?"

"Well, why not? I have armor, and a gun. They weren't just talking anyone and they still let me in, so they most think I'm worth something."

"Yeah, as a throwaway fleshbag!"

"…what?" I had never heard that particular idiom before. "Y'know what, nevermind. Yeah, I'm probably just cannon fodder to them right now, but if I perform well-"

"You mean if you don't die!" Lera interrupted.

I continued on as if she hadn't said anything. "-then they'll take me seriously. This is my chance to move up and move on! Right now I'm just a lowlife thief, an easy victim. With the Blue Suns I won't have to be."

"No, you'll just be a thug and a murderer." My breathing stopped, and I froze. Lera seemed to recognize that she had said something offensive, as it was now her that was retreating. "I didn't mean- I-I just-"

"No, you meant it. And you're right. But I'm already a murderer, aren't I?" My face felt blank, numb almost except for my left cheek and ear. My voice was equally blank. My family had accused me of being almost robot-like on occasion, and this was a prime example. It took a little effort to strangle the lingering thought of my family as Lera began speaking again.

"I just think that it's not the best job for you. You're… not the mercenary type, Shawna. You're not violent or mean or tough. You've killed, yeah, but you're not a murderer." She sighed. "I'm just worried. It's not a stable or safe job."

"It's the only job I've gotten since I ended up here." I wanted her to understand, I needed this. "I told you what it was like those first few days."

Those days sickened me to think about. I still remembered how hungry and scared I had been, how desperate I'd gotten before I found my omni-tool. In my slightly more masochistic moments, I wondered what would have happened to me if one of those strip clubs or brothels hadn't had such high standards.

I seized and crushed that thought as well.

Lera sounded like she'd given up, her tone was resigned. "Yeah. I-I get it. I just… think about what you're doing, alright? Make sure it's what you want."

The stiff blankness of my face began to relax. "I need this, Lera. It's not a matter of want. But, thank you." We didn't speak for a moment. I felt a desire to move on, change the conversation. "So, how are you? What're you up to?"

"Oh!" She swiftly jerked her head towards the thing she had been working on before. "I, ah, got hired a few days ago. I'm working in a different repair shop, thank the Ancestors. If I had to spend one more day with that damned volus bosh'tet I was going to kill him." Lera started working again, vaguely gesturing every once in a while as she described in detail how she had been going to kill her previous employer and how her new asari boss was vastly preferable. I nodded and made conversational noises when appropriate, while a little warmth began to return to me. The smile on my face was genuine.

AN: I am so very sorry. Two weeks is inexcusable. The first few days I had good reason. My mother needed my help with a lot of yard work, meaning I was busy for most of the day and very tired at night, but these past few days I've just been distracted. I couldn't write for more than a half-hour or so at a time before I ended up reading some other fanfiction or something. I'm sorry, and I'll try not to do it again.

More Lera and Taren this chapter, because I realized that in the excitement of introducing new OCs I was ignoring my first two friends.

I've had two reviewers suggest that I not pair with anyone. One of them was for reasons that were just downright silly, but they didn't log in so I could respond to them. They know who they are. But, I will admit that it is an option I am now considering. Another person suggested that I pair Shawna/myself with an OC, and that I had already been thinking of. The pairing poll on my profile has been altered, and if you had voted on the previous one I would appreciate it if you dropped by that one too. If I get enough votes, like six or something, for the OC pairing I'll list OCs by name, and I'll add more if ones I might be interested in are introduced. (note: I will only list a pairing if I or Shep would potentially be interested in them and they would be interested in us. So, there's zero probability of like a Shawna/Legion pairing or something like that. Otherwise I'm open to suggestion.)

Also, just because I'm having a poll and talking a lot about pairings doesn't mean that this is going to turn into a solely romanced-based story, as one or two of you have been worrying. If there is romance, it will be featured when appropriate but it will not usurp the central story.

Wow this is a long AN. Again, I'm sorry, I hope you all can forgive me. Next chapter shouldn't take this long.