AN: This entire chapter's gonna be in Clementine's POV, alright? Cool beans. And I'm issuing a sort of apology for the OCs in one of the lines here lol – hopefully it won't happen again :3
Also, please note: the jobs that I'm assigning the characters in this are NOT set in stone, and will likely change as the story progresses. So please don't be alarmed lol.
"We know how to get home, Zayne. You don't have to keep checking a map to see if we're going in the right direction," I smirk, watching as the boy rubs the back of his neck in embarrassment.
"Sorry," he apologizes while folding up the map and putting it back into his pocket. "Just an old habit that's hard to kill off. Won't happen again, I swear."
Tapping me on the shoulder, Racheal appears beside the two of us as we wait for the rest of the group to catch up. Shouldn't be much farther now.
"He gets anxious when he doesn't know where he's going," she explains, causing the guy's face to redden a little bit. "He'll fidget around like crazy, look behind himself all the time and constantly ask if we should've turned around somewhere back down the road. He can't help it, that's just what happens."
"I do not!" he responds with indignity, putting his hands in his pockets as Emily sneaks up behind him and gives him a bit of a noogie. "Quit it already! Weren't you always going on about how we never give you personal space?! Well this right here isn't helping!"
Chuckling at his expense, Emily stops ruffling up Zayne's hair as she too joins in to poke fun at the thirteen year old boy. It's not bullying, I promise!
Well, maybe not in Zayne's eyes, but it's all in good fun.
"Don't act like it's not true, Zayney-boy! You get so worked up about that stuff that it's fun to watch!" Emily chirps, looking a lot more chipper than she did yesterday. I'm guessing a good night's sleep did wonders for her, but I obviously still feel pretty crappy considering my activities last night.
"No I don't! Stop telling her that!"
"Oh really? Well what about the time we were wandering around the dog park? Racheal remembers," Emily points out, getting a nod from the older woman in confirmation. "Every two minutes or so, you'd keep going on about us being lost and that we should go back the way we came – every time, without fail! As if we didn't already know that before, hahahaha!"
"That's because we were lost! L-O-S-T!" he exclaims, which just causes the three of us to chuckle even more. Eventually, Zayne kicks over a stone in annoyance, but even he can't help but giggle a little bit as he gives up trying to change our minds. "Whatever… this is stupid…"
I'll admit – this is really a nice change of pace from what happened yesterday. Everyone seemed to be losing their minds over the food situation. Hell, I don't think I've ever seen Racheal get that angry before. Usually she's pretty level-headed and tends not to freak out even when crazy things like that happen.
It seemed really out of character, didn't it? Everyone was – it was as if they'd all been replaced by an angry army of Lilly's that had taken over their brains!
Speaking of Lilly…
"Want me to take over?" Alden suggests, obviously wanting to do something useful as he hangs with Kazuki near the back of the group. "I can push the cart… you know, if you'd want me to – "
"I've got it." Jane murmurs, keeping her gaze straight ahead as she doesn't even turn her head to look at the guy.
"You're sure? I mean, no offense or anything, but you – "
"Just drop it, dude," Bo advises, turning around as he shakes his head. "Trust me, it's not worth it. You're already in the dog house enough as it is, mate. No need to bury yourself deeper inside."
Looking a bit deflated, Alden shrugs his shoulders while muttering something to himself – I can't hear any of it since they're still a good ways back from the rest of us. I still feel kind of bad for the guy, you know. Sure, he may have been spying on our group behind all of our backs, but from the way that I heard it, Alden was the one who was making sure that Lilly was still breathing for the past few weeks – Bo as well. He seemed genuinely apologetic and humiliated about the whole blanket shenanigans that were going on.
But now he's being targeted by us. Every time shit hits the fan, as Jane used to put it, people always look for somebody to dump all of their problems on. It's much easier to blame someone else than to fess up and claim responsibility for the stupid shit that you'd done yourself.
"So… the Houston Space Centre…" Racheal trails off, trying to make small talk after things start getting a little quiet. "Is it really like you guys say? That it's this huge, safe building with loads of room for all of us? Because we've been told that sort of thing before, and we've come out really discouraged…"
"After all of this, you still don't trust me?"
"To be blunt, not quite. You're getting there, but so far you folks haven't exactly given us much to go on," she tells me, causing me to frown as she goes on to explain herself. "Emily, Elliot and I have come across a lot of people, all with a whole lot of empty promises that things will somehow just magically get better for us; that all of our problems will just disappear. So far we've lost… what was it now, ten people, Emily?"
"Fifteen and counting," she replies glumly, counting to herself in her head. "Yeah, it's at least fifteen now. Eight of those were lost when we got conned by a big group of scavengers back in Kansas."
"Fifteen," Racheal repeats as I try processing that. I'm not going to go into detail about how many people that I personally have lost, since I'm pretty sure that I'd double that number by now, but I get their point. "And that was all within a year, too. So… try not to take it personally or anything, but we're still a little skeptical. Once we get to this place, then maybe we'll start making some judgement calls. Until then…"
"I'm in the dog house, too. Great," I respond sarcastically, finding it incredibly disappointing that despite letting them into our home and trying our best to negotiate, they're still not completely sold on us. I suppose that I can relate to that a little bit – after all, I didn't really trust Jane at first when I met her back at Howe's.
Don't you remember? She shot Troy right in the… well, you know. Not exactly a great first impression, was it?
As James hollers for everyone to watch out for the massive hole out in the road, causing the newcomers to gape in surprise, I stare up at the building and try to think of what our next steps are going to be. We can't just have everybody sitting idle with nothing to do, so I'm assuming that jobs are gonna have to be handed out. Bo's gonna feel like shit about it, but there's no way that he'll be able to be our lookout anymore. Even he can't lift a sniper rifle with one hand, and even if he could, the aim would be way off. Looks like it's gonna be an early retirement for him on that account… crap!
Who the hell is gonna replace him?
As we approach the main doors to our place, I turn around and wait for the rest of the group to catch up to us. Once everyone's gathered around, I look up to the tall piece of architecture with a smirk.
"Still think I was lying, Racheal?" I question, glancing with relief as the front door opens up, with Ellie slowly poking her head out as she immediately smiles upon seeing me.
"Hmm… let's not count our chickens before they've hatched," Racheal deadpans, but even I can tell that she and the rest of her little posse are pretty impressed by the size. Sure, having a big building doesn't automatically mean it's perfectly safe to live in, but they still haven't ventured inside yet.
Ellie rushes up to me as I bend down and stop her before she can wrap her little arms around my waist. Wouldn't want the girl to catch this, too.
"You were gone for sooooooo long!" Ellie exclaims, smiling shyly and waving to the others that she knows in the group. "I…I was getting worried, so I kind of, umm… snuck out and tried to find you, but – "
"What?!" I interrupt her, widening my eyes as I make her look me in the eyes. "Damn it, Ellie! I thought I told you to stay with Tommy inside the space centre no matter what! You don't know how happy I am to see you, bud… but don't ever do that again, okay? I need you to promise me!"
Twirling her foot in a circle a little bit, Ellie's gaze is trained on the ground as I let out a sigh. I hate having to do this kind of thing with her, but sometimes a firm tone is what kids like her need. She has to get this through her head – this kind of thing CANNOT happen, under any circumstances. If she were to get into trouble outside, and somebody wasn't around… I don't want to think about what might happen.
"…I'm sorry, Clementine…" she apologizes, somehow managing to make me feel guilty for even being upset about this in the first place. "Are you… are you mad at me?"
Smiling sadly, I shake my head as I affectionately rub her arm; glad to see that she still has that poncho I gave her a while back. "I couldn't stay mad at you if I tried," I tell her jokingly. "But don't do that sort of thing anymore, alright? I missed you too… but keeping you safe is more important. It's the most important thing in the world, remember? So next time you want to go out here, make sure to tell me or Jane or Lilly first, deal?"
Sticking out her pinky, I laugh heartily as I engage in a pinky swear with the kid.
Pinky swears are forever, I hear Sarah's words in my head, causing my insides to tighten a little bit. I still have regrets about her too; thinking that I could've done way more to try and save her life if I had just tried hard enough. But in reality, with the way that she was going at it… I'm not so sure it would've made a huge difference. The girl was broken without Carlos around.
But enough of those depressing thoughts. I've got some introductions to make.
"Wanna help me show these newbies around?" I ask, smirking as she shrugs her shoulders. She's literally almost as shy as I was around her age, and that's not exactly an easy feat to obtain. Knowing that I'll have to slowly ease the girl out of her shell, I stand up and turn to address the crowd, with Ellie naturally hiding behind my leg.
I don't blame her – there are some butt ugly, scary bastards out here!
"You know," Emily remarks, having set her bag to the side as Racheal sits on one of the beds, "I think we should paint this place – make it a little less… dreary. White seems so bland!"
Rubbing her eyes tiredly, Racheal leans her head back on one of the pillows as I point Alden and Kazuki to their room right beside these two. They're gonna have to share the place for now, as it turns out the rooms on the third floor haven't been totally cleaned out yet, and these two rooms are attached to one another. I'm sure they've been through more cramped conditions than this before though, and by the way that everybody seems to be relaxing once their heads hit their pillows, I'd say that this isn't even a complaint worth voicing.
"Seriously? Where the hell are you gonna find buckets of paint?" Racheal questions as Ellie wanders her eyes around the room like an interior designer.
"You kidding me?" Emily chuckles, looking amused as Ellie playfully runs her hand along the wall. "Who would ever have thought to bring buckets of paint with them during the apocalypse? There's got be some in a hardware store or something! Hmm… I'm thinking light blue…"
As Alden and Kazuki finally get settled and thank me for the hospitality, the three of us watch the exchange as Ellie shakes her head and practically bounces up and down with bubbling excitement. "I've got an idea!" she exclaims, pointing at the white walls in all directions. "How about bright yellow with polka-dotted dragons flying around?!"
Oh my god… YES. PLEASE MAKE THIS HAPPEN RIGHT NOW! Somebody needs to give this kid a work contract – I'm pretty sure her ideas would make her a multi-millionaire!
Chuckling, Emily kicks her boots off as she too lays on the edge of her bed. "Dragons seem a bit ambitious, Ellie."
"I think it sounds fucking awesome!" Kazuki chimes in as Ellie nods with enthusiasm, proceeding to then ask if anybody has a pencil that she could use. You know, so she can draw all of her sweet-looking dragons all over the walls.
Nothing that I wouldn't try to do at six years old, really.
Seeing how most of them are starting to get along (or at least tolerate each other's presence a little bit), I nod with content as I head back out into the hallway. I still need to check in on the rest of these knuckleheads before meeting with James to see who's doing what around this joint. Honestly, sometimes I'd rather carve my eyes out with a rusty spoon than have to talk to the man, but sometimes being a leader means that you've got to deal with situations that you aren't gonna like.
Hopefully his appetite for getting Lilly killed has settled down long enough for me to actually have a decent conversation with him…
Noticing that Zayne is just sitting on the floor out in the hall, plucking away at some kind of neat-looking wrist band within his hands, I curiously walk over and hover above him.
As he sees me approach, Zayne smiles lightly before fidgeting around with the object again. "It was my brother's," he explains, rubbing his thumb along the artwork as he slides it over his hand. "Honestly, I forgot that I actually had it with me the whole time. Liam gave it to me when I was small… he said that it would always bring good luck to anyone who was carrying it. I think he was bullshitting me personally, but… yeah, it's really all that I've got left of him."
Thinking about the time that Dad gave me this hat before he and Mom took off for their vacation in Savannah, I nod empathetically as he fondly looks down at the thing. I can definitely relate to that – what might seem small and insignificant to most might be incredibly valuable and treasured to others. Even the little things can make all the difference in the world. It helps remind me of what I'm really fighting for each and every day.
Mom and Dad might not be here anymore, but I keep going in part because that's what they'd have wanted for me.
"Why are you out here by yourself?" I ask as he lays his legs out flat on the dirty floor. "I thought you and Elliot were going to have a look around for a while?"
Shrugging his shoulders, Zayne tries to maintain a "cool" attitude as he points down the hallway. "He kept saying how he needed some time alone, so that's what I gave him. He's probably around here somewhere," he explains, closing his eyes for a brief moment as he turns up to look at me. "Clem?"
"Hmm?"
"How… how is it that you're never scared?"
Throwing me off guard a little bit, I find myself stumbling over my answer. Scared? Of course I am! I'm scared every damn day of my life!
"Who says that I'm not?" I respond with a light chuckle, setting myself down beside him. The laughter that I can hear through the walls from Emily, Kazuki and the rest of them manages to lift my spirits a little bit. It's a nice feeling, hearing people laugh. "Huh… I must be better at hiding it than I thought…"
"…what are you scared of?" Zayne probes further – why he's doing this, I'm not really sure.
Trying to pick my brain for things to say, I shrug my shoulders as I start listing off some of the stupid ones. "Spiders, for one. Sneaking into your bed at night with eight legs crawling on you while you sleep… People eat spiders without even realizing it, you know! And also polar bears, falling buildings, tight spaces sometimes…" I list off, stopping myself as he shakes his head in exhaustion. What does he want from me here? He asked me what I was afraid of, and I've delivered, haven't I?
Clearly, as he frowns lightly at the ground, that's not what he was getting at. Clearly there's a deeper meaning behind what he's saying that I'm not really getting to the heart of.
Hell… there is one thing that I'm really afraid of, but this might be able to count for every survivor out there now.
"Losing people is what I'm really afraid of," I admit, thinking back on all the people that I've met and interacted with over the past few years. "That's what really hurts the most… Knowing that you might wake up the next morning and lose the person that just yesterday was standing right next to you. I'm really scared of ending up by myself, with nobody around to care…"
Noticing that he's been silent for a little while now, I sigh before nudging him lightly on the arm.
"What about you?" I ask, still not sure why he asked me this in the first place. "What makes the tough, cool Zayne hide under the covers?"
"Haha, fuck you too…" he jokes, rolling his eyes as he stands up and walks towards the window. "…those things out there are pretty sketchy. Just thinking about turning into a walker… I couldn't even imagine what that'd be like. Did you know anyone? That got turned into… yeah, never mind. Probably better for me to stop talking…"
Thankful that he seems to get the message – I don't want to look back on that kind of thing – I too stand up and stretch out my back. Zayne must just be thinking about his family, just like the rest of us. It's probably a lot more beneficial with doing things his way, rather than just stuffing it all up inside like I have.
"I keep thinking that I'm gonna end up like all my brothers," he tells me, revealing his doubt that he's been trying to conceal from the rest of his group. "That maybe I'll wake up one morning… but not be myself, and not have any control of my body. What if… what if I get trapped in there? Would I ever be able to get out? Because so far, from what I've seen, it doesn't look that way."
"Why are you telling me all this?" I ask, trying to unravel this mystery and figure out just what's going on in that head of his. "Zayne… you're not bit, are you? Because if you are, you need to tell me right now! I can't have a bitten person living with us!"
"Stop, stop! I'm not bitten… Honest," he replies casually, eyeing my gun wearily as I slowly put it back into my pocket. "Sorry… but I just… I can't help thinking about all of that stuff, you know? Don't you ever wonder what the walkers are… thinking of?"
"…I'm not so sure that they're thinking at all…"
Nodding, Zayne runs a tired hand through his hair as he slumps his shoulders against the brick. "Maybe you're right about that," he acknowledges. "…it could be nothing; that they're dead and that that's just the way things are nowadays. But this thing you guys are doing… maybe… maybe we won't need to worry about it anymore. Maybe we can really set things back to normal and forget about all of these dead guys walking around. I'd… sigh, I'd really like to think that that'd be true…"
As he solemnly turns back to the window, blocking me out of his line of sight, I hesitantly lower my guard before walking down the hallway and heading towards Lilly and Jane's room. Well, that was… weird. I mean, I knew that he was kind of a loner and had some dark thoughts to begin with, but it almost seemed as though he's been constantly going over that stuff since the beginning.
There's no need to be so sad all the time now, Zayne! Life's too short to be depressed every single minute of the day!
"I've already dealt with enough headaches today… I don't need to add two more to the mix!" Jane complains, sitting in a chair next to Lilly's bed as she frowns at two more newcomers to our team – Kelly and Katie, to be exact. "I thought you said that you had things under control back there! What happened at the construction site? Did you accidentally fill your hole with cement or something?"
"This wasn't our first choice, believe me. I'd rather be as far away from you as possible," Katie snarkily replies – not angrily, but not exactly giving you the warm fuzzies either. It's more like a semi-cold indifference. "But… there were actually more walkers than we had really anticipated beforehand. A lot more – we got overrun and barely escaped."
"Figured that since your friend made that offer before, maybe we'd be able to take y'all up on that?" Kelly suggests, glancing down at the sleeping form in the bed with a tired frown. "This must be the girl you were talking about. Glad to see you ended up finding her."
Looking for something snarky to say, Jane huffs and simply mutters "thanks" before turning back to tend to her so-called patient.
Ahh, Jane… always good for a verbal scrap when you need one! No matter what time of day, no matter what circumstances we might be in, she's always at the helm, ready to trash-talk anybody if the need arises.
Maybe I should send her in to talk to James right now, instead of having me go in. I bet she'd really get a kick out of dealing with the guy who'd rather see Lilly get decapitated than have to live with her under the same roof.
To be fair though, if I recall correctly, that's actually how Jane and Lilly thought of each other at one point, so who knows? They might get along better than you'd think they would!
…oh who am I trying to kid? Let's just get this shit out of the way already…
With Lilly finally being able to sleep soundly (although with all the noise that Jane, Kelly and Katie are making it's difficult to see how that's even possible), I take in a big breath before stepping inside of the guy's office; smiling at Bo as I close the door behind me. Taking a chair, I sit down and fold my hands together as James fumbles around in a filing cabinet.
"They seem like an alright bunch, I suppose," Bo remarks as he rests his handless arm upon his chair. "Some of them might take some getting used to, but I'm sure we're not gonna have much of an issue there."
Scoffing, James pulls out a pen and a bent sheet of blank paper as he writes the title at the top of the page – FIREFLY POSITIONS, written in big bold letter across the top. "We already had enough issues with people before these guys came in… If they're even a fraction of how shitty the ones we have already – "
"James, that's enough…" I interrupt, glaring at the man in an effort to shut him up. "Yeah, I get it. You hate Lilly and Jane's guts. But do you really have to keep bringing that up every time you talk to me? You know how I feel about them… could you try to say that stuff somewhere else? Please?"
Getting a nod from Bo as a signal to drop it entirely, James sighs and shrugs his shoulders; not verbally answering me but signalling that he'll comply. That's all I want – I know that what Lilly did was totally wrong, and that she was being completely stupid for bringing Debbie's death up like that. But would it really kill him to not bring every conversation down about how much he despises the people that he's working with? I'd take even one day of peace – that's it! One day of not listening to him rip on Lilly and Jane, and then I'd be totally satisfied… at least on that account.
James' extra-curricular activities are still another matter entirely.
"We're just gonna go over a few positions for now. For some of the more specific jobs, we're going to have to ask around," James explains, tapping the desk with the pen. "So… what is it we're gonna need out here? I've got the medical part down pat, but it wouldn't hurt to have an extra pair of hands in case things get a little bit hectic."
"Medical aid – sounds doable," Bo agrees, looking as though he's about to suggest something else. "Maybe we should have a couple of runners on reserve to go into the city for supplies – preferably some people who know the area well."
"That sounds like a job for you, Bo," I mention, cringing as he looks ready to argue with me. "I think Zayne knows some of these places, too. He can help you out…"
"I'm on lookout patrol – as I've always been!" Bo insists, looking shocked as James and I both shake our heads. "Seriously?! What the hell is the big deal here?! I can still shoot with the best of them! I… I'm not gonna be a damn runner! I'm built for long-distance shooting! Not long-distance sprints!"
Carefully and calmly placing a hand on his knee, I try to put all of this as nicely and delicately as possible. James and I both know that Bo's gonna feel like a useless sack of shit with him not being able to be at his post any longer, but that couldn't be any further from the truth. Lee managed to crawl his way through Savannah with only one arm and still come to save me, so there's no reason that Bo can't be just as capable as he was.
I've got full confidence in him.
"What if I took over? You've shown me practically everything I know about being up there in the eagle's nest," I suggest, but feel slightly dismayed when the men immediately shoot that idea down.
"We need you down on the floor with the rest of us – you've gotta be down here making sure shit doesn't turn sideways," Bo disagrees, looking upset at the fact that he won't be able to handle those big rifles anymore. "If you guys really don't think that I can do it anymore, then… well… what about, umm… Lilly?"
"Fuck no!"
"James, what did I say?!" I shout, getting angry at his bitter resentment towards my friend. This hostility has got to stop, and it has to be right now! "Bo's right! Besides him, Lilly's the next best shot in the group! When she gets better, that's where she's going, alright?! You should be happy – she'll be way up on the roof and you won't even have to see her anymore!"
James definitely harbors an intense grudge still, and probably will continue to do so for the rest of his days, but thankfully (for all of our sakes) he bites his tongue and cleans the lenses on his glasses by blowing hot air onto them – I suppose he does that kind of thing when he's trying to blow off steam.
Now if he could only destroy that intense level of anger all the time, then maybe the two of us would be able to get along better.
Why can't we all just get along and be the best of friends?
"Construction crew: Alden, Elliot, Emily, Racheal…" I read off, sitting cross-legged on my bed in the room that I'm now sharing with Ellie. It feels kind of wrong to be here, you know? It's like somehow I'm squandering Riley's memory or something by taking over her spot in the room, but Ellie seems to like having somebody else to be with. She even called me her "sidekick" a little while ago.
Heh… yeah, I'll give you that one, kiddo. Being the hero definitely isn't all that I thought it'd be cracked up to be. How about she takes over the leadership duties for a little while?
"Lookout: Lilly. Runners: Bo, Zayne, Kazuki, possibly Jane," I chuckle as I read the last name. You should've seen the look on her face when James told her that – she was pissed. I work better alone, she told us as she blew a raspberry. It took quite a bit of convincing, but we managed to give her a secondary job that would probably suit her interests more closely. "Hunters: Jane, Katie, possibly Tommy. Med Team: James, Kelly. Planning and foreign affairs: Clementine, Bo, James, Tommy, Lilly, Jane."
"Clem?"
Putting the paper back down onto a small dresser drawer to the right of me, I look over as Ellie sits on the edge of my bed; swinging her legs back and forth.
"What's shakin', Ellie?"
"Well… I just wanted to know… what was school like?" she asks in curiosity, having not having gone herself. I didn't have a whole lot of experience there myself, but if it'll satisfy her curiosity…
"I don't remember much – I was just finishing up first grade when all of this started happening."
"Yeah, but what do you remember?" she inquires as I shimmy on over beside her. "Mommy never told me before, and I never knew my Dad so that was no help…"
Gulping, my fingers trail over the folded-up note in my pocket; just begging for me to grasp onto the damn paper, pull it out and finally reveal what happened to her Mom in that fishing store.
But there's no way that she'd be able to understand – Riley's death she had seen with her own eyes, but for me to shatter her world and tell her that I found her Mom dead? That'd be a little too much for her to handle, I think… at least for right now.
When she's older, we'll talk about her mother. I promise.
"Well… there were teachers, homework, recess… friends," I recall, thinking back to the glory days of grade one back in Atlanta. "It wasn't nearly as bad as I made it out to be. I actually kind of miss it."
"I wish I could've gone – I haven't learned a whole lot of stuff…" she reveals to me, but I bring her in a little bit closer as I reassuringly pat her on the shoulder.
"You know what you need in order to survive," I encourage, trying to make her feel a little more confident in herself. "That's probably the most important lesson of all of them, Ellie. Think of all the other ones that didn't know that kind of thing!"
"Maybe… but I kind of wanted to learn math, too."
"Trust me," I chuckle, shaking my head in disagreement, "you really don't."
Ellie yawns as she brings her sleeve up to cover her mouth; having it roll down as the bite wound appears in front of me. I can't help but sigh as I try to keep my thoughts to myself – it's still hard to believe that something like this is actually possible. The bite's undoubtedly going to leave a scar that'll stay with her for the rest of her days, and it's already looking all bubbly and gross.
I keep this to myself, however, as Ellie scowls at her forearm and winces as she slightly touches the wound.
"Don't pick at it, alright?" I suggest, snatching her hand away and putting it down in her lap. "You wouldn't want it to get worse…"
"Why do I have to keep hiding it? It's ugly, but isn't your friend a doctor?" she asks, hitting the nail on the head even though I won't admit it. "Isn't he supposed to help people? He could fix it, right?"
I can't help but clench my fist tightly as she asks me that question, and my breath hitches in my throat as I try to hold back some tears. I hate this… I'd give anything – anything at all – for Ellie not to be in this shitty, awful situation that she's been placed in. Why did she have to be born like this? Why couldn't it have been somebody else instead?
"…he wouldn't know about how to deal with this sort of thing," I continue the lying spree; feeling very little remorse for doing so. "No, we can't tell anybody, Ellie. Not one person – just keep it hidden, okay? Make sure you've got that shirt on whenever you go out, and make sure that you're checking in with me all the time. You got that, kiddo?"
"But why do I – "
Clang!
Practically wrenching my neck as I slowly turn my head towards the door, I widen my eyes in absolute shock, terror and horror as Zayne stands there; looking as happy and thrilled as a juiced-up leprechaun.
No…
"Holy shit… Is… is that a bite?!" he exclaims, rushing towards Ellie as he glances at her arm in disbelief. "This… it looks old! I can't even… this is unbelievable! This could be exactly what we need!"
I…I…
"I've gotta… I've gotta tell James! He needs to know about this! We could all be saved!" he laughs heartily, hugging my shoulders as he tries hard not to lose his shit over how awesome he thinks this is. "Clem! You don't have to even look anymore! We… we can finally live again!"
My whole body is literally shaking. I can't say a damn word – no words can come out of my mouth with how dry it's become, and a cold sweat is forming from underneath my hat.
I'm scared. I'm absolutely fucking terrified. What am I scared of, Zayne? Isn't that what you had asked me earlier?
Right now, I'm scared of you.
When my body refuses to move and cooperate, Zayne just chuckles and pats me on the arm. "Too shocked to speak, huh? No worries – I'll go let him know."
Horror-stricken, I watch as Zayne jogs towards the door with a bounce in his step. By the time he gets out into the hallway, that's when my legs stop being made of orange Jell-O.
He can't… Oh god…
You know what you have to do – end this, right now, Carver commands me, pointing to the door as the dark version of Kenny, Troy and the stranger yell at me to get off my ass and follow that bastard out there.
Silently, I snatch Ellie's switchblade up, push her down on the bed and sprint to the door; locking it behind me and not having to worry about her getting out. She doesn't know how the locks work here yet.
Like a violent, angry choir of disturbing voices, I hear the shouting of nearly every lost, ghostly and frightening person that I've ever come across – all of them telling me the same thing…
GO! KILL…. KILL… KILL HIM… KILL HIM NOW! BATHE YOUR BLADE WITH HIS BLOOD!
You don't need to tell me, I think darkly as I hide the switchblade under my sleeve. I have become truly lost beyond all sense of reason and control. I'm sorry… but this needs to end before it even begins…
….everything's ready. I think… I think that I'm absolutely going insane with this, but my brain doesn't seem to care. All I can keep thinking of is that little girl in my room, and how much danger she's gonna be put in if word gets out around the space centre.
With Zayne in my sights, I know exactly what it is that I have to do.
"It'd help if I actually knew where the guy was…" Zayne says to himself, scratching his chin as he tries to find his way around; stumbling in the dark. The electricity hasn't worked for while now, but tonight I consider that a blessing.
Nobody can know… nobody can see…
The boy tries to open one of the doors but gets discouraged as it's already locked up tight. With a slight frown, Zayne turns around and nearly has a heart attack when he sees me standing there right behind him; my eyes wide open and staring a gaping hole right through him.
"Isn't this exciting?! It's just… god, man! I can't even believe it! Right here!" he whispers, pointing to the ground as I continue not to say a word. The guy remains oblivious as ever; totally enraptured by the prospect of letting every single person in here know of Ellie's dark and miraculous secret. "You wouldn't happen to know where James' office is, would you? We've gotta tell him! This could save all of our lives!"
Not yours…
Shakily pointing in the completely wrong direction, Zayne nods eagerly as he starts heading down the corridor. I'm leading him to a dead end on purpose. Nobody can hear what's about to happen – not yet, anyways.
Internally apologizing over and over again, I rest the switchblade in the palm of my hand and hide it from plain sight. The tint of the metal as I flick the thing open flickers in the moonlight as I silently approach the guy from behind.
Confused, Zayne gets to the end of the hallway and stops when he sees that there's nowhere else he can go… and nowhere that he can escape from me. He tries patting the walls down to see if there's a switch or a door handle or something for him to find, but he won't be locating anything like that tonight.
Do it, Carver demands, egging me onwards as he stands there along the wall with a sickening satisfaction.
"…Zayne?"
Turning around, the thirteen year old boy can't even utter a sound before the switchblade is buried deep through his chest cavity; sending blood all over his shirt as I yank the thing out and strike again. I attack him with blinding rage and intense fury, and I find myself slowly losing what's left of my humanity each time that I swing down. All the guy wanted to do was save us and live a life without having to worry about the walkers anymore, and I've just snatched that hope away from him. As if I'm pounding on a drum, I bang my fist down on top of him as my strikes become less frequent.
The blood squirts out like a leaky faucet as Zayne is knocked back against the wall; eyes wide and mouth agape as if he's asking, "Why? What did I ever do to you?"
As the life drains away from the kid, the second part of my task commences. I can't let anybody find out about this… murder… so I need to doctor the crime scene somewhat. I need to make it look as though it wasn't me who just killed Zayne in cold blood.
Eyeing his hand, I sigh shakily as I lift it up to my head level…
…and take a great, big chomp on it within my teeth.
Like a vampire in the middle of the night, I bite down onto the boy's hand as if I'm trying to rip apart a piece of meat. I nearly gag as Zayne's blood enters my mouth, but once I've made a good enough dent in the boy's hand, I let go and spit the disgusting liquid out onto the floor.
My entire body violently shakes and buckles as I sit along the wall; awaiting the transformation that'll undoubtedly occur soon.
This has all happened so fast… one moment I'm talking to Ellie about my short time spent at school, and the next I'm killing an innocent – no, never mind. If I continue to think that way, then I'll really and truly end up getting myself killed. Nobody's hands are clean out here anymore. You can't be an innocent bystander when you're out there trying to survive.
But this right here? This might just be one of the worst things that I've done in a very, very long time.
…the frightening thing though is how easily I was able to pull it off. The idea came to me as naturally as going to eat breakfast in the morning.
When the boy's eyes twitch once a few minutes have passed, I hold the switchblade again and get set for part three – putting myself in danger.
"H-HELP! SOMEBODY! ZAYNE'S TURNING!" I shriek down the hallway, allowing the walker to fall on top of me as I lightly pound on his chest again; making it seem like these are fresh wounds instead of killing blows.
"SHIT!" Jane yells out, rushing up towards me and tossing Zayne off as I crawl backwards. Pulling out her knife, Jane stabs the walker in the back of the head as it falls back to an early grave. My breathing quickens as I truly take in the abomination that I've just performed.
I'm a murderer.
"…Clem? You alright?" Jane asks me, although her words along with everyone else's are starting to become a big blur in my ears. There's too much going on inside of my head right now to form a coherent sentence, so I just nod and allow her to lightly hug me. God… even when I'm in the morally wrong, Jane's still going to be there to help me through it.
I don't deserve such a good friend. Not anymore.
Emily sobs over the loss of the poor kid; holding his head against her chest as she rocks him back and forth like a caring parent. Elliot collapses to his knees in front of the body as Kelly covers her mouth and tries not to appear as visibly upset as she actually is. I refuse to look at James or Bo, but I'd imagine that they're just trying to give the grievers their much-needed space. Racheal's examining Zayne's arm; stating that there's a bite on his hand as she too sorrowfully looks on at the gruesome scene.
"Sixteen…" she breathes out, looking over at me briefly before turning back to her friends. "That's sixteen friends gone now... How could this have happened… What the hell was he thinking? Coming out here alone…"
"Clem… you're not bit or anything, right?" Jane questions, sporting a temporary look of relief as I shake my head. Everything's still spiraling out of control inside my brain, so without another word I stand up and silently walk down the hallway; making sure that she isn't following me as I head down the stairwell.
Once I get outdoors and feel the cool, night air whip across my face, I start having a mini panic attack as I truly take in what I have just done. Clutching onto a street lamp, I slide down the rusting, metal surface as I fall to the pavement; bawling my eyes out as sobs erupt within my body.
"I'm so sorry… I'm sorry… I've been bad," I cry out, glancing down at my hands with utter horror and disgust. "I'm no better... than any other bad guy we've seen... I'm even worse!" I hate myself right now – what did Zayne ever do to deserve this? All he wanted was… was to take Ellie away from me…
I made a solemn vow to her that I'd never let them get their hands on her – not today, not ever.
And deep in the back of my mind, as I sit here crying in the streets and begging for forgiveness, I realize a simple truth:
This is the world we live in now. I will lie, cheat, steal and murder… as long as it keeps my family safe.
That's all that I give two shits about anymore.