X – "Can I live without you?"
"Ah, Asuka. Come in", Misato greeted her charge. "Take a seat. I take it you've been cleared by the Science Department?"
"Yes and no, but yeah, I'm all good", Asuka confirmed as she dropped onto the chair. "They kicked me out from the main lab and told me to go to Medical for clearance. They say that Doctor Akagi isn't there and the Lieutenant is too busy."
"Well, there are some issues…" Misato confirmed with a sigh.
"Some issues?" she spoke in a raised voice; she trying to keep her voice sounding unconcerned, but this was not exactly working out. "I have some issues, Misato. What's going on here is… well, straight from Carl Gustav's desk, I guess? So, explain that to me like I was five. Why all I hear is that he vanished? How could this happen? He exploded? Someone waved a wand and he's now invisible and Section Two is looking for him and spraying flour everywhere? He got his sorry ass dissolved in LCL? Evangelion ate him? What's going on? Nobody is telling me anything!"
"It's because we're not entirely sure what happened to him… what is going on with him", Misato replied, rubbing the bridge of her nose, her eyes closed, her voice pained. The last thing she needed was pressure from yet another person – but it was obvious that Asuka was not going to relent without getting some answers. "His plugsuit is still inside the Eva, holding a roughly human shape, but his body… just isn't there. And nobody has opened the Plug since the battle, so he didn't just slip out when nobody was looking. Lieutenant Ibuki is doing what she can with the tools we have, but from what she's telling me, the readings from Unit-01 itself are either perfectly normal or completely useless garbage, depending on what method she uses."
"What about Doctor Akagi?" Asuka asked, her voice still raised. "She's the expert on those things, right? Best in the world, I heard?"
"Um… well… she's on the funny farm again, I'm afraid. And this time it's likely for good", Misato replied with a bitter sigh and gave Asuka a look so tired that the girl suddenly felt bad about pressuring her – if only for a moment it took to squash that sentiment; lives were on the line here, particularly one life she cared about. "I mean… she went back to the hospital, and she's staying there under observation, and the prognosis… well. She's alternating between unresponsive and babbling some worrying stuff, and everything points to a serious mental breakdown… so the Commander decided to leave her there and keep Lieutenant Ibuki as the Acting Head of the Science Department for now."
"So… in other words, he's somewhere inside but nobody can say what that means exactly; the only person who mightable to guess what is really going on is catatonic or crazy depending on the phase of the moon; everyone else is scrambling for answers or panicking; and all we know is that we are one idiot and one Eva short?" Asuka listed on a single breath.
"Pretty much", Misato confirmed with a sigh and an unchanged, tired look. "And let me add a few more facts atop that for you: Unit-02 has more broken bones than it has intact ones, Unit-00 – the only available Eva at the moment – has only one working arm, the Geofront is damaged to a still uncertain extent – they're mapping it still – we have a gaping hole in the ceiling all the way through all the layers of armour – big enough to an Angel to come through, as you doubtlessly saw one do – and some of our surface equipment, including some catapults and weapon stations, is not responding, most likely due to the cabling damage", she listed.
"Wonder-fucking-ful", Asuka said with a blank expression, soon covered by her hand. "What do we do now?"
"Well, we carry on", Misato replied with a shrug and a voice both tired and determined. "There's always some time between the attacks, let's hope it will be enough to pull him out, fix the Units to a passable state, and possibly bolt some steel on the holes and slap some paint on a thing or two."
"And if we can't?" Asuka asked with increasing tension in her voice. A stray thought appeared in Misato's mind, a question about how much more would it take for the girl to snap – and she did not like the most probable answer.
"Then we'll try to put Rei in Unit-01 in a cross-synch test and see what will happen. I mean, that'd be my suggestion, since it's the only one without anything broken… perhaps except its entire control system, that is. I'll defer to Acting Science Department Director in that", Misato replied. "As for the other things… teams are going to be working day and night."
"So, I guess I'll ask Lieutenant Ibuki then", Asuka let out a sigh. "Next station, Science Department!" she declared as she jumped up from her chair, turned in place, and pointed her finger in the general direction of the Science Department labs.
"Hold it, Asuka", Misato demanded, her tone suddenly firm.
"Hey, she might have more answers!" Asuka protested as she turned back and rested her hands against Misato's desk. "I'm not sitting here, waiting for scraps of information!"
"This is exactly what you're supposed to do", Misato countered, "this or follow orders when your Unit is ready to activate or deploy again. Are you really going to disrupt her work by walking right up and asking questions? You're worried about him, I get it, and don't even bother saying that you're not", she added as she saw Asuka open her mouth. "It's only natural, even if you think you hate him. But walking onto and bothering the best scientist we have at the moment while she's actively working on helping him is not going to work."
"So, what I'm supposed to do?" Asuka asked with barely contained aggression in her voice.
"Go home. Eat something. Feed Pen Pen", Misato listed, once more closing her eyes and rubbing the bridge of her nose. "Get some sleep, I suppose."
"And then what?" Asuka scoffed.
"Carry on!" Major Katsuragi burst out suddenly, making Asuka wince, her voice suddenly angry instead of tired. "That's what we always do, right? You've always prided yourself on being a soldier. Well, that's your time to shine", she added in a firm, surprisingly cold tone. "Carry on, Pilot."
Asuka wanted to yell something back, to tell her that this was wrong, to remind her that this was not all she was – but the cold, angry look in the Major's eyes stopped her. She straightened out instead, clicking her heels and standing at attention. "Yes, ma'am. Am I dismissed?"
"Yes", the Major shot back through her clenched teeth.
Asuka clicked her heels again, turned, and almost ran out of the room.
The moment the door slid close behind the girl, Major Misato Katsuragi dropped on her chair, her head tilted back, her eyes squeezed shut. "That went fucking well, Katsuragi", she whispered to herself in a mocking tone. "You managed to lose one kid and antagonise the other, all in a day's work. And you're no closer to sorting things out at all…"
She took a deep breath and forced down the unpleasant feeling of being responsible for this failure. After all, she was not the only one to blame – Asuka's behaviour was unprofessional, and while being a teenager without an actual rank justified her attitude somehow, she should know better than to add to problems in a high-pressure situation. And the fact that Misato had to act as both the commanding officer and a caretaker was not making things any easier for either of them.
But this did not matter, not at the moment; the situation was still far from stable, the forces under her command were greatly diminished, the availability and usefulness of the Science Department dropped from questionable to borderline non-existent – and her report to the Commander was due soon. 'I'll deal with her later', she decided as she reached for the next preliminary report from the stack on her desk. 'Her mental state will be meaningless anyway if we all die because I missed something…'
She read through half a page before a chilling thought made her stop and tap the intercom immediately. "Give me Section Two, immediately", she requested of the operator and tapped her fingers nervously while she waited. Once the connection was established, she barked a few orders, accepted a confirmation – and returned to her work.
...
In the persistently and endlessly rationalising mind of Asuka Langley Soryu, the justification for choosing to walk was her unwillingness to put up with the annoyance of having to wait for the bus. The truth that she would never admit, even to herself, was her fear of returning to an empty apartment, an apartment devoid of the smell of delicious cooking and the presence of a certain idiot. She could rationalise that there was someone waiting for her there, but it was quite obvious that Pen Pen's company was a poor remedy for the big, Shinji-shaped hole in reality. 'If at least Misato had been there–'
Asuka angrily kicked yet another stone from the increasingly overgrown path and let another stream of German curses out, most of them directed at Shinji and his tendency to run away and hide from his responsibilities – only to immediately feel stupid about it. While she hated to admit that, she knew all too well that he did this for her, or at least because of her. Of course, the moment she realised that, she started to feel even worse.
"Verfluchte Dummkopf… warum muss ich dich so lieben? Warum dich? Warum…" she kept going, breathing in and out in an attempt not to start crying; she mastered this technique over the years – and it seemed to work for now. Granted, this was a secluded place – taking a supposed shortcut brought her into some old hill path, most likely a leftover from the times Tokyo-3 was just Hakone – but someone could still happen to walk by. But she knew this was fighting a losing battle, and at some point, she would have to–
"Do you need help, Miss?" a male voice interrupted her trainwreck of thoughts.
"Hau ab, du Arsch–", she started and reflexively tensed in anticipation having to hit someone – and stopped herself immediately as she noticed that the man in question was wearing a suit with a small insignia of NERV in its lapel. "Sorry", she shook her head. "I thought you were someone else. Why are you following me, actually?" she asked after a moment of confusion. "I'm still within the city and this is a safe area, right?"
"Orders", the man explained matter-of-factly, disregarding the other question in a manner suggesting that the conditions she listed did not matter under current circumstances. "Do you want to be driven home?"
Asuka pondered for a moment. Staying here was quite tempting, after all – it was a quiet place, away from the prying eyes of most people – if you ignored the bodyguards, that is. On the other hand, she was no longer alone here – and while those guys would keep their distance if she asked them to, they would most certainly keep watching her, making the privacy she hoped for in this spot an illusion at best. It was quite dark already, meaning she would have to walk home soon anyway. "Yes, please", she finally decided with a resigned sigh and followed the man when he nodded and started to walk down the gravel path. "Who sent you?"
"I cannot tell you that, Soryu-san", the man replied. "We get our orders on a need-to-know basis, and mine came directly from the head of the section; who gave them to him, I do not know. All I know beyond that is that I'm not allowed to accept you sending me away."
"Ah. This kind of 'keep an eye'", she rolled her eyes with another sigh, her anger slowly returning. "But will you at least stand outside the bathroom door?"
The man paused for a moment before speaking, his expression showing confusion for a short moment. "Soryu-san, you know well that we never enter the apartment you live in unless we're explicitly told to or called for an emergency", he explained patiently after a few seconds; a part of Asuka's mind quietly appreciated his professional composure. "Someone will be outside the building, though, should you need assistance."
"Right", she let out yet another sigh. "I'm not Ikari, you know, I'm not going to run away, you don't need to guard the door. Or maybe you should be looking for him?" she chuckled bitterly. "You found him once, didn't you?"
"I wouldn't know, Soryu-san", the man replied diplomatically. "I wasn't there. Please get inside", he opened the door of the black car.
Asuka rolled her eyes, her anger being channelled into increasing annoyance on her part. Getting information from anyone in NERV was difficult, but she suspected Section 2 was second only to the Commander and Vice-Commander in that regard. 'At least Misato can be negotiated or bargained with. When she is not a total pain in the ass and is not acting as if she was a Sturmbannführer instead of a Major, that is…' she mused, recalling the unpleasant dismissal that sent her on this way. "Right. Thanks", she finally said and got inside – and this, along with another thank-you when they arrived, were the only words she spoke before entering the apartment.
...
Asuka was pushing herself through the routine motions of the evening with great effort. She managed to eat despite not being hungry at all – granted, it was just some sandwich cobbled together from the cold pieces found in the fridge, but it was better than nothing; making a proper dinner just felt pointless. She fed Pen Pen using the canned food that Shinji kept for emergencies – sure, it was not the fresh fish he usually got from Shinji or Misato, nor was it Shinji's tasty cooking – but it had to do for now. She brushed her teeth – but taking a full shower felt like being beyond her.
'How can a place so familiar suddenly be so… weird? Alien?' she mused almost mindlessly as she slid with her back against the wall once she was done with most of the chores. She moved only when Pen Pen started to make annoyed sounds at her, forcing her to realise that this was not a wall at all, but his personal fridge of residence. "Ah. Right. Sorry", she shook her head and rose slowly. "You have no idea what is going on, right? What does it mean to feel like I do? You're just confused he's not here, and you're unhappy with the mediocre dinner…"
Of course, a "Wark?" accompanied by a tilted head and a following shrug were the only answers.
Asuka pushed down a sudden desire to punch Pen Pen; she was angry, yes, but not angry enough to take it on the innocent animal, no matter how everything around her, including him, irritated her.
Finally, she made the usual rounds around the house, checking the doors and windows – rounds that usually were Shinji's duty – and dropped on the bed in her room. "Shit", she mumbled into the sheets. "Why it had to be him? Why couldn't I trigger that… thing, that… mode?", she mused with her annoyance, mixed with anger, growing. "That would've been useful… and I'm sure he wouldn't miss me that much", she added with a sudden spike tipping the scales towards anger.
She turned on her back and stared at the ceiling for a long while, her thoughts chaotic, slowly shifting towards the emptiness of this place again. The silence surrounding her, the distinct lack of sounds and smells that usually came from the kitchen, was driving her crazy.
"Verfluchte Dummkopf!" she burst out again. "Warum?! Warum du?!"
She turned again and punched the pillow. "Ich hasse dich! Du… du…"
Any further words got lost in the sobs – and quickly dissolved into nothingness as she started to cry in earnest.
...
Her eyes shot open at some unexpected sound; after a few moments, she knew it had to come from the outside, probably from someone on the street. 'I must've fallen asleep…' she realised with annoyance. Begrudgingly, she got up – and the reality of the situation reasserted itself, making her clench her teeth and ball her fists. "Scheiße…" was the most emotion she could conjure, though; the crying exhausted her entirely.
She forced herself to go to the bathroom, glancing at the clock on the way; it was the middle of the night, which means she still had a few hours left to sleep. The look in the bathroom mirror was not very optimistic, but it should pass before the morning came. She crawled herself back to bed, cursed her past self for the stupidity of crying over the bedsheets, and found herself enough dry surface to lie on. The anger and distress did not go away, but she was quite sure that the exhaustion she felt would put her to sleep soon enough.
But there was one more order of business to deal with.
"God above…" she started in a hoarse voice, her breath ragged. "I'm not sure if I told you this… I guess I did but it didn't get to you, or you just forgot. So, listen carefully now: I don't like being tested. I don't like this at all. I know all that crap about being chosen and special, about keeping your faith in the face of the worst things happening…" she paused and drew a ragged breath. "Well, here's some Breaking News for you: I never had much faith, and I'm rapidly approaching the moment where I've had enough of all that shit. And I do mean enough. I'm not some biblical figure, you know. So… would you kindly cut the crap, let the idiot out and back to me, I promise to take him in and hold him, even if he's an ass about it… and we can then go our separate ways, you and me? Go test some prophet of yours, that's what they're for, right? Or catch some random shepherd, I guess there are some still left in this messed-up world…"
She paused, took another deep breath, and shut her eyes tight. "And if you want to tell me that you can't help me, that your power doesn't reach inside any of the Evangelions…" she trailed off, and a small, low giggle escaped her mouth, colouring her tone. "Then I'll happily make use of that and have a few words with you, personally, once we are all done with the Angels", she added in an equally hoarse whisper. "Amen."