So off from Ianto's warm bed to cold mud of Jack's recent death. It was a hard leap, especially because presence of the Doctor makes writing intimidating, but I've put my coat on and run into it. I'm not sure will I manage to pull off Doctor and be believable at it. Here is some Jack musings about the past and present. Thank you for reviews they do cheer me up :)

Spoiler alert: Utopia, Parting of the Ways, Fragments, Exit Wounds

Beta-ed: TattoedLibrarian

Jack woke up with a gasp in a strange place with a beautiful dark woman holding his hands.

"And who are you" was the first thing he'd ask. The woman laughed and looked even more delightful. He introduced himself feeling more like his old self. Of course the Doctor couldn't stand it. Who else would have prohibited him from saying hello. He stood up and faced the strange and different looking Doctor he'd seen on CCTV footage over the years. In person the Doctor had looked hotter than ever. The Doctor wanted to know what was his give away and he was standing right next to the Tardis, really a funny question, but even if he had been oblivious to the Doctor's new look, he would recognize him because he did mind Jack's greetings, people who would first met him never would mind his hello, even the Doctor didn't mind it the first time. They looked at each other with caution for few seconds but that couldn't last. Jack asked about Rose and the Doctor immediately softened down and cheered up. Jack was so happy that she was fine; he'd been grieving her loss for months. He crushed into the Doctor's arms laughing with relief, he was here, finally things would make sense, and he had to know.

The reunion with the Doctor went with great deal of disappointment, pain and joy. The Doctor just seemed off, there wasn't that light cheerfulness he possessed when Rose was around. He had pointed that out and the Doctor turned on them at the mention of her. It was hard to take, his anger and pain that was there somewhere, Jack knew to recognise that. Time went on for the Doctor too and he had changed as did Jack.

Luckily after that was the time to run and Jack felt the excitement of running after Doctor. He just loved that. Jack was excited to meet new people and aliens; it had been too long since he traveled the universe freely.

"Later blue" he winked at the giggling cute alien he wouldn't mind exploring and went to help the Doctor. Sure he had forced himself on the Doctor, jumping on board literally. The Doctor tried to run away again, Jack knew enough about the Tardis to know he must have been aware of his approaching; he had spent enough time in there to know thing or two about it. The Doctor lied so weakly about leaving him the first time but Jack didn't persist, he would find out soon enough. But that didn't change the fact he was here for the Doctor, not some random strangers. Jack had enough time to sort his feelings towards the elusive alien. He'd been through all sorts of emotions from anger to self-pity, sorrow and hope to end up in sober solution. The Doctor cared about him, but not enough to deal with whatever happened back on Satellite 5. Jack couldn't blame him for that, if he had stayed, Jack couldn't tell if he would have coped with it any better than he had alone. And he wasn't pleasant company while he was dealing with his immortality. Jack didn't really hold a grudge against the Time Lord for leaving him, at least not until he found out that his returning from the dead wasn't one time thing.

When he woke up that first time to the dust and silence of his dead companions and the sound of the disappearing Tardis he thought it was a dumb stroke of luck and that he imagined the darkness that surrounded him in his death. The pain of the Doctor leaving him behind was just that, pain of loss, of solitude that was again his. After he went rogue from the Time Agency and left his devious partner behind, he roamed alone searching for scams, for profit and a way to squeeze himself in some comfortable place before he thought of a new way to reach Gray. Gray was his sole goal in life, the only meaning and it had no other guidelines attached to it. He thought a wrist strap and the Time Agency would take him to the point where he could find a young Gray just kidnapped and snatched him before anything bad could happen to him. After he found out the limitations of the Agency, and lost his name and memories of his mother, he went rogue taking his wrist strap with him.

He was fine with his solitude at the time, he could clearly remember that. After all, he grew up without tight family connections, after the invasion and Gray's disappearance nothing was the same, some doors were shut and there was no way to get them opened. Jack coped with that period before signing up with the Agency with casual friends, flings, flirtation and affairs. That kept him busy enough and gave his personality a lithe feel that made people comfortable beside him. No one could tell that anything was bothering him. He believed that was the thing that made him acceptable for the Time Agency. He was first ever to enlist there and that was quite a show, his send off, one of his best. Sometimes he thoughts about that name they gave him `the Face of Boe`. He thinks about that name and chuckles about it. It was funny because it was a reference to some big shot alien out there, he had never bothered to find out whom exactly because they had told him it was ugly, and it was the name of his home planet at the same time. The planet he had left without hesitation like he did everything else.

But things had changed after he'd meet the Doctor. The Doctor wasn't the one you could take to bed and get it over with. Bed was out of question with the Doctor, that was a pity on one hand, but on the other it was just perfect because he wouldn't have been able to tag along so long if it was offered. Jack just wasn't all that good at staying and letting his guard down.

It was different with his partner in the Agency, which could have never become serious, just because of the nature of his partner, he was simply insane. In fact, Jack discovered that that was the standard in the Agency. They needed people who could kill, torture, con, lie and cheat and Jack was their man. Numb enough not to care about others. But beside the Doctor it was just plain impossible not to care. His passion, anger, cheerfulness and care were on display and boy was it beautiful. Jack wanted some of that for himself instantly. And the more time he had spent with this man it became more obvious he wanted more of that, not on him but in him, in this particular case 'in him' didn't mean anything kinky but was something more pure than anything, he wanted to be like the Doctor, to care like that, to love like that, because the Doctor did love almost everything he encountered. He even loved Jack. Like Rose loved Jack with fondness and without desire. Jack wasn't used to the lack of desire, he had desires towards them, but he was surprised in how much he liked that feeling, that freedom to be few feet away from them and just talk away. Between the Doctor and Rose, Jack felt safe and good, they had seen the best in him and for them he was his best.

That's why he felt so utterly lost when they left. He had lost his guidance and it was hard to learn on his own what made them so good and beautiful, it was even harder to let go of his anger, disappointment, and to put his numbness back down.

Jack busied himself with all the technology from the end of the universe and was enthusiastic he was able to find his way around it. And it was rather wonderful to see entire people waiting for a better tomorrow, just surviving. Jack felt sudden surge of guilt for his gift of life. To see all of them struggling so hard against the end and death, was just overwhelming; Jack forgot how to appreciate life at some point.