Chapter 6:
TRIS POV:
The first thing I hear when I become aware again, is the beeping noise next to my head. I try to tune it out but the noise is so repetitive, there is no way I would be able to fall back into my dark state, the one I would like so much more than the bright world. I don't hear any voices behind the beeping, just a soft snore, and a little breathing.
Slowly, but surely I begin to open my eyes, looking to the light streaming in through the partially closed window. I glance around the room, hospital room, and I'm sure this is not heaven. I know that I didn't achieve my goal, and now I'm forced to suffer through the questions and tears of everyone around me. In a chair to my left sits my brother, and next to him sits my mother, both of them sleeping with red puffy eyes from crying. I notice that to my right the chair is pushed out, almost like another person was in this room not to long ago, and I'm expect that to be my father.
I lie there, switching my eyes to the ceiling instead of the depressing scene around me. Not to long after I decide to just wait until everyone is awake, the thick wooden door is pushed open and in walks the last person I want to see.
Tobias.
He holds a coffee in his right hand, his shirt from the other night still on him, with blood stains. I notice his black eye, and split lip immediately, and his eyes soon lock with mine. His deep blue irises fill with something I've never seen before, and I can't tell what the emotion is.
"Tris." He speaks softly, rushing into the seat that I thought was occupied by my father. He stares at me as he puts his coffee down on the ground, then taking my hand in his, holding it like it's the last thing he has of me.
I don't speak not knowing what to say, and I slide my hand out of his, putting it over my stomach. I can feel the wrap that is on my arm, putting pressure on the cuts that were bleeding because of me. My eyes look away from him, looking back up at the ceiling, ignoring how much that might have hurt his feelings.
"Tris…," he pleads, trying to take my hand back into his, "please. Please talk to me, Tris."
I keep my eyes on the tiled ceiling, not moving his hand from mine as I know I should just go with it. All I ask is, "What happened to your face?" My voice is rough and scratchy and it stings my head, the headache that was faintly there, coming on stronger.
"Your brother doesn't like me to much." He states as if he were telling me the weather, as if it's not that big a deal my brother beat him up.
Despite my heads agony, I say, "And you didn't win?"
"It's impossible to win if I don't fight back," he says quieter than before, looking over at my brother who is beginning to sturr, "I did deserve it as I'm basically the one who put you in here."
My eyebrows scrunch up, confused by his statement. He put me in here? No, I put myself into here. He didn't touch me once, he just set me off.
"I put myself in here." I say, raising my eyebrows in confusion again.
"No...well yes, but I'm the one that drove you to the things you did…," and as I finally look over at him I notice that it wasn't just his voice that sounded a little weak, but his face has tears running down it, sadness lacing his expression, "I'm so sorry for all I did, Tris. I really am. I shouldn't ever have left you. It was a horrible thing to do and I know I'm a horrible person. I would understand if you think of me like of how I think my father. I know I'm just as bad as Marcus."
I stare at his face for a while, soaking in his emotional state, the one I evidently put him in. I decide against commenting on the last words he said, and instead I say, "Why are you here?"
"Do you want me to leave…," he asks his voice as valuable as ever, "because I can, I know you hate me. I just...I want to know...why. Why would you try to do something like that Tris...I-I still love you, and just almost lost you."
"I don't want to talk about it." My voice comes out horse, my eyes beginning to tear up.
"Please tell me when you're ready, I made a mistake Tris, and I still love you."
"You can't love me Tobias. I already tried to kill myself, what do you think is keeping me from trying again. Maybe next time I won't make it out alive. Just because I survived doesn't mean I'm automatically cured. I'm still thinking about the same things I did before, and I want you to understand that, soon I may be dead, and I don't care if you know because as soon as I'm out of here, so are you, and you won't be around me 24/7. Whoever saved me, stopped me from something that I wanted, and just because I wound up here in a hospital bed instead of the ground, it doesn't make me not want to still seal my fate." I explain my voice rising a little, and Tobias stares at me with his own depressed face, sad at what I said.
"Tris please don't do that." He begs his big blue eyes pleading with mine. "I love you, and I can make it better, just please give me a chance."
"You left me you know." I state, thinking hard about his offer...to make me better.
"I know, and it was the worst decision I've ever made. That kiss was real. Please tell me you remember it. I felt like I was light on fire, and then I was melting." He says, his eyes off somewhere else, daydreaming about it.
I can feel the goosebumps rise on my arms as I think about his smooth lips softly pressed against mine. Do I really want that again? That's all I've ever wanted, but should I give in that easily?
Then he speaks again, "I know I broke your heart, but if you would, I would love to call you mine, Tris. I know you probably hate me, but I can teach you to love yourself. I can help you, just please give me a chance."
I'm on the verge of breaking, all the tears I've been holding back, all the sobs I've not shown for Tobias's disappearance, all come flushing over me at once. I drown in them, my mind and heart shattering. All I can do is swing my legs from around the bed, uncovering myself, showing off my hospital gown, and fall into Tobias's lap. My sobs soon turn loud, drowning out the noise of my heart monitor, and the soft breathing of my brother and mother.
Tobias takes his big hand, rubbing it up and down my back, occasionally finding an opening in the gown, and his fingers glide over my skin. My wails soon turn into cries, quieting down, and to my surprise my brother and mother were not awoken, probably because my sobs were muffled by Tobias's shirt.
"I missed you so much." Tobias whispers his fingers gently pushing my hair behind my ear.
"I missed you too." I mumble back, my voice cracking a few times. I keep having to take a deep breath in only to face tears again stinging the backs of my eyes. My head begins to feel lightheaded, the whole impact of moving around finally having an effect on my feelings.
The world seems to spin as I lift my head from Tobias's chest, looking around everything seems blurry. It's funny how one second I don't feel a thing, but now my head is exploding in anguish.
I don't hear the next words that come from Tobias, but his face is filled with concern. He gently grabs my waist, bringing my limpish body back to the bed, carefully laying me down. As soon as my head hits the pillow and stays there for another two minutes, my sight starts to clear up, along with my hearing.
"Tris, are you okay? I'm going to call the doctor in...and wake up your family." He says before he kisses my forehead, walking out of the room.
I sit still, not moving a muscle, scared that if I did I would be swallowed back into the dark abyss. My mind is not able to comprehend the next movements, nor the next actions. All I know is that after a while, a male in white clothing enters the room with Tobias.
"Ms. Prior. It's good to see you awake." He states coming closer to the side of my bed. "Where are you hurting at the moment?"
"My head." I whisper, barely able to squeak the words out.
"That has something to do with a thing called malnutrition and the pills you took. Malnutrition is when a person does not get enough food to eat, their bodies react in an odd way, attempting to protect itself. The pills obviously are going to have an effect and this is it. The pain in your head will stay for a while until you have absolutely no trace of those pills in you, and you have nutrition replacing it. I just need to ask you a few questions but, I figure you should wake up your folks and talk to them first. Come get me when you're done." He says smiling at me, and doesn't give me a chance to respond before he heads out again.
"I can wake them." Tobias says to me, then silently walks over to their seats. "Mrs. Prior, Beatrice is awake."
Her eyes shoot open, and to my surprise, so do Caleb's, all the four eyes catching mine immediately.
"Beatrice!" Caleb yells, only to feed my brains pain. He runs over to me, sleeping totally forgotten, and embraced me tightly. "What the hell were you thinking? I love you so much, and just the thought of losing you hurts."
I hug him back, not as tightly, and I don't respond knowing that whatever I say will never be a good enough excuse for him. He pulls back after a few moments, and then my mother embraces me, softer and gentler.
"Baby, please never ever do that again. I'm so sorry I'm always gone, I'm going to be home more often now. I talked to my boss and he agreed that I can quit if I want, but I still have a few days to decide. I'm so sorry, I love you." She whispers all this into my ear, a few tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Please don't do that mom. I would love you back home, but our house is quite large and we need some money. I don't want to be the reason you quit." I say back, staring straight into her eyes and making sure she knows that I want her to keep her job.
"Okay sweetie." she whispers quietly into my hair as she kisses it.
"I need to talk to the doctor, so you guys can go get some breakfast." I speak louder, everyone nodding their heads in approval.
"I will send him in." Tobias says from his position by the door, as he holds it open for my mom and brother.
Silence greets me as soon as the door has shut lightly, and my head gets to relax into it. Not so long after they leave though, the doctor comes into the room, clipboard in hand.
"Hello again Tris." He greets as a warm smile spreads across his face. "As I said before I have a few questions before I get you some food to eat."
I nod my head, signaling that I'm ready for the questions, even though I would rather do anything else.
"When was the last time you ate?" He starts out with.
"The day before yesterday." I answer simply keeping my eyes on him.
"And what was the food you ate?"
I think back and remember the small salad that filled my stomach, "I had a salad."
"Why did you not eat much yesterday, and I understand the nighttime you had no dinner, but breakfast and lunch are just as important." He says looking up from his paper.
"I wasn't hungry."
"Is this something you do quite often?"
"I don't know, I eat when I'm hungry." I say my voice getting weaker.
"Are you hungry now?"
"Yes." I state just so he can get out of here. I feel more like I'm being interrogated in stead of simple questions to help my health.
"Alright, your family said they were just getting something from the cafeteria and will bring you food. I expect them to be here soon. I don't want to push you to talk about last night, but I encourage you to go to a therapist. It might help a lot more than you expect." He explains and scoots out of his chair, walking out the door, carrying his clipboard.
I lay my head flat against my pillows, thinking about what he said about my eating habits. I've never thought much of it, just eating what I want when I want it. I'm not that skinny so it doesn't seem like I could have not eaten enough. I wait for about fifteen more minutes, enveloped in the same silence I was in before the doctor came in.
Soon enough Tobias, my mom, and brother walk in, Tobias carrying two trays of food. They all take the seats they were in before. Tobias doesn't say a word as he helps me sit up, placing the tray of eggs and bacon on my lap. We all eat in silence, me only making it to one bacon strip before I can't stand the quiet aroma.
"Can I have a minute alone with...um Tobias?" I ask facing my brother and mother, both of them raising their eyebrows at me.
"Um, sure sweetie." My mother says standing up with her tray of food. "Caleb and I will be in the cafeteria, we'll come back when we are done eating."
I watch them closely as my brother glares at Tobias, walking out of the room with his tray. They close the door tightly behind them and I glance over at Tobias. He has also stopped eating the food on his tray staring at me with confused eyes.
"I just didn't want to talk to them yet." I whisper, my mothers sad ridden eyes carved into my memories.
"That's fine, but I want you to eat your food okay?"
I nod placing a forkful of egg in my mouth.
"Why do you love me?" I ask randomly, staring at my eggs stabbing my fork into another piece but just messing with it.
"Tris, you are an amazing person. I love you because not only are you the most beautiful person I've ever meet, but you're beautiful on the inside too. You're brave and smart and selfless, and you can stand up for yourself. I aspire to be like you but, I can't be like all you are. No one else on this planet can be as amazing as you." He speaks grabbing my left hand that was lying across my body. "I will always love you, and I want to call you mine. I turn eighteen in about two months, and I'm moving away from my father. I know you don't want me around 24/7 but that is how long I crave to be around you. You were the first and only girl I've ever kissed and I want it to stay that way. I want you to be the only girl I ever kiss, because I love you and only you."
Tear are now threatening to run down my cheeks again, his words making my crave him as much as he said he craved me. I want to be his only girl, I want to be his, but I don't know if that is what's best for me right now.
"I don't know if a boyfriend is what's best for me right now...I mean, not even 24 hour ago I attempted to kill myself." I whisper, my hand that is in his has electricity flowing through it even though I basically just denied him.
His eyes are full of sorrow and understanding, but not pity, "I understand. I just want you to know that I'll be waiting, even if we grow old and you still need time, I'll be waiting. I love you and I will never stop loving you."
I nod my head, and we both go back to eating our breakfast in a quiet mood, me thinking of my options and what I can do with them.
Tell me what you think, and yes Fourtris will be coming soon. I love you all and thank you for reading so far. Please review!
~divergent24-7