Chapter 12 – Party on the beach
Though she had dreaded from the start the moment when she'd have to tell someone about her condition, she surprisingly feels like a weight has lifted from her chest now a few people know. It's been a couple of weeks and no one who knows seems to have changed their behavior.
Summer almost is over. The Athosians have decided to hold a celebration in honor of their new homes – sort of a whole village having a housewarming party – and have invited their former hosts to join in so John figures he might as well teach them how to have a proper party on the beach the day before and take the whole team surfing.
They've been lucky enough to have a lull in their missions so he and Aiden have had time to head for the mainland and prepare bonfires. Elizabeth has declined to come, not wanting to have both leaders leave the city at the same time. Louise knows John is disappointed. He's got this frown on his face as he flies them to the mainland. She sits next to him and admires the view, sighing without realizing it. He turns to her. "What is it, chef? Afraid of heights?" he teases her.
She shakes her head, laughing. "Nope. Actually, I envy you. I wish I could fly one of those things."
"Hey, McKay," he calls the scientist who's sitting at the back, bickering with Zelenka over some equations. "Ever pinned our petite chef for a flygirl?"
Mc Kay shrugs. "Of course, I know! If you took time to talk to her..." he adds nastily, knowing fully well John drops by her kitchen almost every day.
John chooses to ignore him for now though bickering with McKay has become one of his favorite activities of late. He rolls his eyes at Louise, making her eyes crinkle. "Well, can you do something about it? She hasn't got the gene, right?"
Louise sniggers. "John, I'm sitting right next to you. How about asking me?!"
He chuckles. "OK, Louise. Do you have the gene?" he asks as he gently lands the jumper on the beach.
"I don't. And before you ask, Beckett won't try giving me the treatment because of my condition. Says I react more strongly to some medicine like vaccines or antibiotics than you guys so he figured there was no need to try it on me and make me sick." Her disappointment is palpable.
"Well, maybe one day, he'll improve his treatment and be able to give it to you. In the meantime, I'm going to make you discover the thrill of riding the waves," he adds, opening the hatch.
"You don't seriously think I'm going to get on a surfboard at my age, right?" she teases him as they set the towels on the beach.
He strips off his clothes then dons a short wetsuit. "Depends," he answers, looking cocky. "Are you ready to do without those marshmellows you brought for the s'mores? Cos' Rodney and Beckett have gone to the village and I know for a fact Ford is dying to see you on a board. See, sweetie, no one will open up the hatch for you until you've proven your valor!" he adds, motioning for her to get ready. He's already used her sense of guilt to lure her to the mainland. Now, he's resorting to bribery! She scowls but deep inside is kind of glad she's forced to do it. No one has ever offered to teach her but as her granny used to say, it's never too late to try. If her grandmother was able to go back to cooking school in her forties, she must be able to learn to stand – or maybe just sit – on a board. After all her fears of being seen differently because of her condition, she's glad John is treating her like everyone else.
"You should have seen her, Doc!" Aiden brags about Louise's first time on the board.
They're sitting around one of the bonfires, enjoying the sunset and s'mores they're sharing with some very enthusiastic Athosian kids. They've all changed back into warmer clothes, their feet digging in the warm sand.
Louise snorts. "Yeah, sure, you betcha! I never got to standing on that thing! All I did was paddle away from the beach and then turn around, try to stand and then fell into the water. Every single time," she says, chuckling. "I must have been a sight to see!"
John chuckles and elbows her. "You did good, all the same."
"Yeah," Aiden adds. "I bet you never had the opportunity to just watch surfers where you came from or you'd know it takes time to learn."
The eyes she's trained on him suddenly get ice cold, as if they'd gone lifeless. She grabs her socks and shoes and puts them on. "Yeah, that must be that, Lieutenant. Where I come from, there are no beaches or surf spots," she sniggers.
Everyone is looking at them. How has the atmosphere suddenly changed so drastically? Rodney knows for a fact she never allows anyone to mention her native country. It's as if she wished she could remove it from the maps of the Earth. He never asked about it. Some things are better left unsaid. He bends towards her. "He didn't mean any harm, Louise," he pleads, being unusually forgiving with the young lieutenant.
She nods and stands. "Give me a few minutes, you all," she says demurely. "I just need to regroup myself."
She wraps a blanket around her shoulders, shivering, and goes to walk along the beach, away from the party. The kid didn't mean any harm, Rodney is right. I just reacted harshly because I can't still stand being reminded of my former life. She sighs. I'm hurting people in the process. People who have nothing to do with any of this. They've accepted me as their own and never been judgemental. I'm such a bitch, she thinks bitterly.
She turns around and walks back toward them. John stands and walks up to her. "What was that all about?" he asks, looking her in the eyes. She pouts. "You know you can tell me anything. If there are things that are painful and you don't want to talk about, tell us. Just don't shut us out like you just did."
She nods and rubs his arm affectionately then walks to Aiden. "I'm sorry," she says. "Some words trigger bad memories. We do have very nice surf spots in Southern France and I went there quite a few times. I hate being reminded of happier times."
"I understand. I have a few of those too," he replies good-naturedly. "But, Ma'am? Happier times? Ain't you happy here?"
She's saved from answering by a few kids who run to her and ask to play that African game she's taught them with stones and holes made in the sand. She smiles at them and complies, sitting cross-legged among them. Teyla observes her for some time, making John train his eyes on her too. "What is it, Teyla?" She's usually very perceptive and he's curious to know what she's seen in the scene that is unravelling before her. "Maybe it's nothing. It's just she... how can I explain? She both seems at ease around children, as if she knew how to deal with them, and very uncomfortable when it becomes more personal. Hallin told me she was always careful when allowing them in her kitchen. She'd never have a favorite or let one of them sit on her lap. It's as if she were performing a duty well-learnt but never letting anyone close." She shakes her head. "Forgive me. I probably see more into it than there really is."
He frowns. "No, you're right. I can see it too. But it's not only the children. It's everyone. It's more obvious with the kids because they don't limit themselves – don't realize when they cross a line."
"So, you think she's still uncomfortable with us too?" she wonders.
He nods. "Yeah. Definitely. Just very good at hiding it. I'm sure she's made efforts to fit in and make amends too for not being truthful with us but I'm sure it's just the tip of the iceberg."
"You're one to talk, John Sheppard," she can't help teasing him, making him lift his hands in mock surrender.
"I confess. I'm not the easiest person to talk to. But I promise to make efforts, OK?" She bows her head in agreement. "Now, what do you say we have some of that moonshine your people have brought and I go get my guitar?"
His eyes twinkle as he starts striking a few chords enticingly, making people turn their heads and head his way. Louise motions for the children to come and sit around the fire. He turns to her and smiles, patting the blanket next to him for her to sit. "What do you say we celebrate our first Thanksgiving here with Johnny Cash?" he whispers to her, waggling his eyebrows. She chuckles, having been told by Teyla how the 2IC seems to worship a "tall man in black". The Athosian leader has not completely grasped yet the meaning of what the words "country music" and "superstar" mean for American people but Louise sure had a good time trying to explain both concepts to her, failing poorly and finally telling her to just pretend and humor John on that one.
Even before he starts singing, she knows what he's going to play. She's not a unconditional fan of Cash herself and she hasn't told him yet about being quite into country music but that song, she knows it by heart and finds it very fitting for the celebration of their first year on the planet. "We've come to the time and the season, when family and friends gather near, to offer a pray of thanksgiving, for blessings we've known through the year..." she starts humming as he sings and plays, remembering hearing Cash singing it on a show. She smiles at him when he turns to her, surprised. He wouldn't have dared ask her to join him, knowing how reserved she normally is but she obviously knows the lyrics.
A little one who's already yawning profusely comes to sit on her lap. She startles but does not refuses him the warmth and comfort of her arms, even wrapping her blanket around him and offering him a s'mores. She's shown the kids earlier on how to make them by roasting the marshmellows then pressing them between the crackers and chocolate, whispering as she did how wonderful it was to taste something new for the first time and how she'd experienced it herself at a party very much like the one they're having tonight.
When John finishes the song, looking intently at Rodney as he sings the last line "I'm thanking the Lord he made you," Aiden roars with laughter and even Hallin can't help chuckling at Rodney's indignant scowl and "of course, you do!"
The party lasts well into the night though John chooses to return early. Louise comes with him. She's bone tired and will have to get up earlier than usual to help prepare for the Athosian celebration as well as insure everyone who's not going is properly fed on Atlantis. "You don't want to leave her alone, do you?" she asks John as they exit the jumper. He looks at her questioningly. "Dr Weir," she elaborates.
He looks uneasy. "Yeah, well. It didn't seem fair to have all the fun and leave her here to do all the work. I bet she hasn't left her office all day."
"I bet she hasn't!" she agrees. "Don't worry. I asked for a tray to be sent to her for lunch and dinner but you'll still have to make her leave the place to get some rest," she points out.
He chuckles. "Says the person who hardly ever leaves her workstation and doesn't have a social life! It's a miracle you know so much about everyone around here!"
She smiles. "Sometimes you don't need to talk to people to get to know them. Sometimes watching and listening is quite enough. And don't go accusing me of not having a social life when all you do is work these days," she answers pointedly.
He laughs. "Touché!"
They reach the control room and before he knows she's going to slip away and scurry back to her kitchen to make sure everything is fine before, he hopes, she'll head to bed, he peers at her. "Ain't you going to answer Aiden's question, Ms Léger?" She tilts her head, pretending not to remember, praying to God he's gonna let her off the hook. He doesn't. "Aren't you happy here, Louise?" he elaborates.
She sighs and smiles sadly. "It's a difficult question you're asking me, Major. Given human nature, I guess happiness can only be seen as something past or something we're trying to attain, not something we have."
"So, are you telling me you were but are not anymore?" he prods bullheadedly.
She thinks about it. "I guess I used to be once, yes, in another time and galaxy."
He nods his understanding of what is implied. "All right, then, will you be again?"
She laughs humorlessly. "How can we predict that, Major? I'm no seer."
"That's not what I meant and you know it. We all have a past, Louise, but will you allow yourself to have a future?" he asks, his eyes boring into hers.
"Will you?" she retorts, making him flinch. She hasn't meant it to seem so vicious and shudders from the unsettling feeling. He started it, she tells herself. He refuses to see the truth and though she's originally promised herself not to interfere, her heart goes out to him, wishing there were a way to make him see how important it is to grasp happiness when you still can.
"I would if I could," he answers, still shocked at her bluntness.
"No, John, that's quite the contrary," she counters, not wanting to let him have the last word, yet knowing how rules and regulations tend to make things more difficult for everyone around here. "Right back at ya," he says before stomping towards Elizabeth's office, leaving her standing in the middle of the room without so much as a goodnight.
TBC
I won't be posting another chapter for a week or so as I'm going skiing and the internet connection is not a sure thing there. I will write though. My muse is being kind to me these days and I have plenty of stories to tell ;)
Again, thank you all so much for reading and liking Louise. She's dear to me.