Chapter 10:
TRIS POV:
"Okay." I mumble, my statement muffled by his shirt, as my face is pressed deeper into his chest when he pulls me closer to him and tighter. His hands are wrapped around my back pulling me closer to him by the second. I take a deep breath, preparing myself for the explanation I know I now have to give.
His hand caresses my hair as the tears on my face begin to dry up, his own tears coming only at the rate of one per minute. I can feel his lips press to my forehead and he stays there, stuck in that position for a few more minutes. Eventually he removes his lips from my head and pulls my body away from his, though his hands are still wrapped around my waist.
"Tris," he speaks, putting a piece of hair in my face, brushing it behind my ear, then taking the same hand and placing it on my cheek, forcing my face to move up from the ground I was staring at, "I love you. You don't need to do that to yourself."
"Yes I do. I deserve all of it." I mutter putting my arms in front of me, my fingers fiddling with each other. I put my head down again, my eyes glued to my hands, hoping and praying he didn't hear what I just said because I'm pretty sure I can guess his reaction.
"In no way do you deserve any of that."
"You don't understand." I mumble another singular tear slipping from my eye. "No one ever understands."
"Don't say that." He says, his hand still cupping my cheek. "I think we need to do that 'interrogation' tonight."
I huff, my mind feeling as though it's not capable of relieving all my past, but instead of fighting I say, "Fine."
We both head to the living room, one of his arms tightly strung across my body, pulling me into him. The pizza box is still open and I have to look away, the image of my thrown up pizza plastered in my mind and I can feel my nose scrunch up in disgust. Tobias takes quick action to throw away the pizza, stuffing it deep into the trash can in my kitchen.
When he gets back he takes a seat in one of the singular chairs across from the couch I placed myself in. He sits forward his elbows on his knees and his hands twined together in front of him. His face is red and puffy, most likely from the crying done just a few minutes ago, and I'm almost positive there is more to come.
"I just want you to explain what happened after I left that night. Just that night." He questions, his blue eyes staring into mine. Instant memories flood back into my brain like a tidal wave, but instead of keeping them to myself I speak them out loud.
Flashback:
"I love you too, Tobias." I cry, soaking his shirt with my salty tears. He gently connects his soft lips to my forehead, and I close my teary eyes.
He doesn't say another word as he walks out of my backyard, glancing at me over his shoulder. I stand there tears running down my face, my chest squeezing in pain as I watch his silhouette exit my yard for the last time.
I know that the more I think the more it hurts, but how can I not think of him? How could, just like that, I forget about my bestfriend, the one I just told I loved. I end up hugging myself the pain too much to bare and I haven't a clue of how loud my cries are, all I know is that after a few minutes, I end up on the ground, my fingers digging into the cold, wet grass.
I can't move the wave of his absence bringing me into a vulnerable state, one I know I will not be able to return from easily. My mind is fully aware of how long I will not see him for, how I may never see him again, and my bodies reaction is unpredictable.
I'm not aware of what time it is when I'm finally able to get up from the cold hard ground, but off in the distance I can see the sun beginning to rise, and I know I have lyed here for hours. I slowly move so that my knees are down and so are my forearms, my hands still entangled in the green grass.
My body is unable to move from here, the emotion coming on to me like a thick honey, sticking me to the ground. The only sound that rises me is the sound of my sliding glass door being opened, the sound of footsteps coming over to my, now moving, body.
"Tris," my mothers voice is frantic, her hands helping me off the ground, "what are you doing out here on the ground?"
I don't speak a word, all I do is turn around to face her and I'm sure I look like crap, my face red and puffy, my eyes bloodshot from all the crying.
"Oh my god, what happened sweetie?" She whispers as I'm pulled into a gentle hug.
The hug reminds me of Tobias and the way he held me just a few hours ago, and how it's going to be the last time forever. I can stop the new steady flow of tears that leak from my almost tearless eyes. My mom rubs my back, her hand going in circles while she hums in my ear.
"He l-left me." I sob, the tear burning as they leave my sore eyes.
"It will all be okay, sweetie." She mumbles into my hair.
I force out words, "He loved me. No one ever will again."
With that she helped me inside, giving me a good breakfast, and I ended up calling Tobias's number many time, his voice popping up at the end the last thing I have of that-surprisingly already-deep sexy tone.
End of Flashback:
Tobias has tears running down his face, his eyes are glassy him ready to pour out more tears.
"I'm so sorry Tris." He mutters.
"I think we should talk about the past tomorrow, and tonight just focus on now." I say still struggling after having to relive the scene I just described.
He visibly breaths out, calming his emotions, then stating, "Okay well, next I'm going to ask questions...about you eating I guess."
"What type of questions?" I ask hesitantly not wanting him to ask me something I don't want to say the answer to.
"Just answer them please, I'm trying to be the best therapist I can be. I look up some websites about eating disorders and found some questions that it said to ask the person with the bad eating habits." He explains pulling out his phone and looking at, what I assume to be, the website.
"I guess…"
"First off, please be honest, I really love you and I want to help you." He says looking up from the screen, his eyes pleading with mine.
"I'll try."
"Okay umm, how often do you refuse to eat?" He asks looking up at me with quizzical eyes.
Again I end up fiddling with my thumbs, answering, "Quite often, I guess..."
He takes a deep breath, the next question asking, "Have you ever denied being hungry, even when you're starving?"
I can feel the tears start to form, the thought of all his disapproval coming out at my next answer, as I did lie to the doctor and him. I don't eat when I feel like it, I don't eat because I know how fat I will look, how fat I do look. Tobias will instantly stop loving me, then I will be alone.
So I lie again, "No, I have not."
I bite hard on the inside of my lip, keeping myself from telling the truth, the one I want to say but too scared to. I can feel instant guilt bubble up in my stomach when he nods his head agreeing to my statement.
"Do you ever see yourself as fat or obese?" He asks, lowering his phone again to look at me in the eyes.
"I umm…" I trail off thinking about my answer, wondering if this is one I should lie on too, because who loves a girl who can't love herself? "No."
He sighs, mumbling something to himself I'm incapable of hearing, but instead of questioning me more on that he moves on.
"This wasn't in the question's...I just want to know." He says looking at me, locking his phone and putting it away. "Why did you just throw up? Were you honestly not feeling good...or did you do it on purpose? I need to know if you are bulimic Tris, because the way you answered the questions tells me that you are not anorexic."
"I-I, umm...I honestly don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know if I'm bulimic or anorexic. I've never voluntarily thrown up after eating a lot...except for today." The last part I say quieter than ever not wanting him to know but forcing myself to say it.
"So just now I was correct. You did throw up on purpose." His eyes are concerned as he moves from his spot next to mine, pulling me into another hug. I can feel a few drops fall onto the top of my head, knowing it's Tobias's tear makes me want to cry myself.
"I'm sorry Tobias, I really am." I say beginning to cry myself. I attempt to look up at him but he's got me in an iron grip, not letting me move. "Tobias, when did you start being so emotional?"
"When you started hating yourself." He answers bluntly, breathing out of his mouth, his nose probably bad from all the crying. His hands are rubbing up and down my arms.
I yank back my arm suddenly remembering the scars from the blade I dug into my skin, and I can feel Tobias bring my arm back into his hand. He looks up into my eyes, his fingers gently brushing the marks that line my arm.
"Can you tell me about the first time you did this?" He questions, his eyes staring at me in wonder and sorrow. I nod my head a little.
A/N: Really really touchy subject below, please don't read the flashback if you don't want the image or the thought of it and stuff. I'm so sorry if I offend anyone with this.
Flashback:
I shut my eyes softly and dream. Dream about when Tobias was around, his presence making my friends like me, making me the likeable person I no longer am. I dream about what we could have had, the life I could have had.
My mind spins as the image of Ivan, my old friends' hand slaps my cheek, the sting of every finger still there. I take my own hand and line it up on the same location as the ghostly claw. I can feel as the first tear rolls down my red face, more follow suit.
My head wonders to my friends...or the ones I used to call friends. One of them had told me this story of her close friend who she knew back when she lived in Tennessee. Her friend had always had a depressing life, one full of regret and sorrow. At the time I never thought much about it, that my friends friend had used to cut, or still did. I used to think, how could your life be so screwed up that you would want to physically harm yourself? What would you even benefit from it? But now as I think back, I realize, there are many reasons. Not all people physically harm themselves to ultimately kill themselves, some do it for freedom I guess.
I snap my eyes open, fluttering them around the bathroom, searching for something sharp. When they lock on a shaver in my shower, I slowly rise to my feet.
Is this something I really want to do? Something to get away from all the drama in my life?
My hands move before my mind and I'm already taking off my top, sliding it over my head, and then slowly dropping my pants. I turn the shower head on and sit in the tub with only my undergarments. I let the warm water run down my back sprinkling my shoulders with water droplets.
Shakily, my right hand rises to the counter holding my shaver, made for shaving my legs, but I have another use. Millions of questions flow through my mind in one second, and it seems as if I sit there for hours, staring at the little piece of plastic, holding the sharp edges in place so they can scrape off your hairs.
Slowly I bring it up to the spot on my arm I choose, using my left hand to do the harm. The first time I try nothing happens, no blood, nothing. I look around and wonder if I'm being giving another chance to think about what I'm going to do, because once I do it, the scar on my arm will forever hold the reminder of who I've become...but I already know the answer, and as soon as I realize this the tears stop, and the razor is on my arm trying again.
Adventually I get it but I only choose to do it once. The fact that I did it at all is crazy, the thought of doing it again makes my head hurt. If only Tobias could see what I've come to, he would take one look and cry, and I would too, but it seems I have no emotion left in me.
I quickly rinse off the blood, and stare at the mark in my skin for a long time. The cut is very small, and I'm glad that my anger didn't drive it any deeper. For now, this one time will represent the rest, this one time will change my life in ways I never imagined. I may end up doing this again, but I know my family would not approve, it's not something I should get in the habit of doing. This should not me, and definitely not what Tobias wanted me to be.
End of Flashback:
Tobias stares at me intently, tears still staining his cheeks, and as soon as I can see the pain behind his hard eyes, I know that I never should have told him that story. Soon enough the pain in his eyes are visible, him making no attempt to cover it at all.
"I'm so sorry Tris, this is all my fault." He whispers, his face going soft from his hard expression.
I place my hand that he was rubbing and put it on his cheek, staring into his emotional eyes.
"This was my doing. I'm sorry you have to hear all about my problems." I say in a gentle tone.
"I love you so unbelievably much." He whispers, his eyes searching mine.
I laugh a stone hard laugh, no real happy emotion in it, and say, "That's hard to believe, but I love you too."
Did you like this chapter? Please tell me if I'm offending anyone out there reading this because I want to make sure I don't hurt anyones feelings, or offend them, I promise that is that last thing I would ever want to do. Thank you for all the amazing reviews last chapter! Do it again! Please Review!
~divergent24-7