Chapter 12:
TOBIAS POV:
The strung bulb lights hang in drapes from the trees, each light illuminating the mystical, dark night sky leaving the clearing a sanctuary of brightness. Underneath the hanging lights, a plain wooden picnic table lies, a neatly woven basket sitting on top, a maroon colored blanket peaking out from the opening in the basket. I take my time stalking over to the basket, Tris hot on my heels. She takes her seat while I open the lip, pearing into it at the blanket and vanilla flavored candle hidden inside. I take the candle out, placing it on the seat across from the side Tris plopped herself down on.
It doesn't take long before I've laid the blanket on the wooden table, placing the candle on top on the overlay. As I light the sweet smelling candle, the fire adds to the lights above head, though it gives off a different texture to the mood in the air. I glance at Tris, her beautiful blue orbs glued to the flickering flame.
As I set out an array of food, I gain the courage to ask her the one question that's been boggling my mind of a while now. "What were you talking about in the car? You said you loved me, but I could tell there was something else behind that."
Her eyes flick up from the flame, staring into mine as I finally sit down, they seem to be a little distant, as if something was pulling her into a different land. Then she finally speaks, "I love you, Tobias, . . . I just don't know if I'm in love with you."
The words hang in the air after she breaths them out, my eyes leaving her's, not able to keep the connection. What does she mean not in love with me? I've never really experienced falling in love first hand, but I've seen Zeke fall in love with Shauna, and vice versa. The thought that I may not be in love with Tris scares me, because if she doesn't love me, then I have never been loved.
My mother had loved me, just not to the extent a parent should. Mother's should nurture their child, help them become who they are, not leave them with their abusive father. Though she died in a hit and run, I can still remember the facts her doctor told me. It was her time, and I think she knew it. If she had known it, shouldn't she have fought? Fought for me? For my father? Or maybe for my infant brother or sister that was just growing in her stomach?
Love is something that is difficult for me to trust, and though she doesn't - and will never - know, her words sting like a blade. It takes everything in me not to question, out loud, her love towards me. I take a deep breath, my lungs filling with the frosty air, gently breathing out, closing my eyes for the time being.
When I open my eyes again, the sight of her petite body, her back curving slightly as she hunches in her seat, makes me forget about my trust issues, reminding me of her own. She told me once of all the trust factors that were crushed when I left, and when her friends backstabbed her. I sit still for a good two minute before responding, my voice calm and collected.
"What do you mean?"
She doesn't take long to reply, her body shifting around in the chair, eyeing the food. "I love you to me, means that I would do anything for you, I care about you, and so forth. When I'm in love with you, you are more than the world to me, I understand you better than anyone, and you the same as me. I think I need to learn to love myself before I can be in love with you."
"I can help you learn to love yourself, I just need to know the whole story. I know you are withholding some important information from me, Tris. I want you to trust me, trust me with all your heart . . . but I feel like that may be too much to ask."
She sighs, air barely escaping her lips, "I don't um . . . there are certain things I wish to keep to myself, and I know you wish to help, it's just hard to admit the wrongs I've done in the past. Sometimes while I sit in the car, I stare at the other trucks passing by and wonder how we have to have trust in them that they won't swerve into us, taking what humans treasure most, life. I watch how life evolves around us, people making their own decisions, but others not realizing it can affect them.
"We trust people walking by us, believing they won't pull a gun out, killing us in cold blood. But the difference is that, yes we do trust them, but we have no choice. I trust you, yes, but I don't know the difference between real trust, and the one I'm forced to have."
I sit there, frozen by her words. They seemed to come out shakily, hesitant if it was the right thing to say, but as she advanced further into her lecture, I did notice the truth behind her words. You are forced to trust the people walking on the streets, and the people driving in the lane next to yours. I know that's all true, though I wish she would trust me.
I know I should change the topic as, this was supposed to be a beautiful night out, so I say, "Just know I'm always here for you. When you're ready, I will listen."
She simply nods her head in acceptance, picking up a bottle of water that is placed next to the breads and meats. I take the turkey and ham, making my own sandwich, then looking at Tris, waiting for her to grab her own. Tris doesn't move, her fingers tracing the small ridges in the water bottle while she glares at it.
"Did you date anyone when I was still gone?" The sudden question burst from her lips, her eyes focusing back on me while I take my first bite of the sandwich. Her face morphs into one that appears disappointed, saddened my something unknown. "I'm sorry . . . I didn't mean to ask that, like that."
I place my food back onto the small plastic plate, ignoring my growling stomach. "You have nothing to be sorry for, and no I didn't date anyone."
She look of shock flashes across her face, but vanishes as soon as it came. I don't comment on it, leaving it alone, but I reach over grabbing the ham from the table. I begin to place them in nicely folded pieces on a slice of white bread, spreading a good amount of mayo on it. Pushing the plate in front of Tris earns me an odd look.
"How did you-"
"You always take it that way, even when we were kids . . . like you said about learning the new stuff, we still need to remember old." I flash a smile, watching in pride as she takes her first bite of food since breakfast. I'm glad she's been listening to me about eating more, though I'm definitely not gullible enough to believe it's all finished.
Sometimes I wish and pray for all her pain to be retracted, for she deserves none of it. She's done no real wrong in her life, just the decisions she's made for the memories of the horrid past. I don't believe her to be healed overnight, but I do believe her to be healed in time. I know that is one of the only things she needs and desires, time.
After a while, she finishes with half of her sandwich, the other half, she places on the plate scooting it away from her, symbolizing she is done. I finished mine about three minutes ago, and have just been watching her, in a loving way of course.
"So what do we do now?" She asks looking at me with a half smirk. I don't hold back as I stand, takin my phone and turning on the song Skinny Love by Birdy, one I've heard her listen to countless times over the course of two days.
"We dance." I whisper as I grab her, pulling her close to my body, moving away from the table, slowly swaying to the beautiful lyrics. They remind me of Tris.
Come on skinny love just last the year,
Pour a little salt we were never here,
My my my, my my my, my-my my-my...
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer.
Tell my love to wreck it all,
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall,
My my my, my my my, my-my my-my...
Right in the moment this order's tall.
Tris begins to hum, her arms wrapped around my neck, fingers twined together behind me. She rests her head on my chest, humming the tune softly while we both sway. My arms are at her waist, my eyes closed, focused on the feeling of her in my arms in this very moment.
And I told you to be patient,
And I told you to be fine,
And I told you to be balanced,
And I told you to be kind,
And in the morning I'll be with you,
But it will be a different kind,
'Cause I'll be holding all the tickets,
And you'll be owning all the fines.
Come on skinny love, what happened here?
Suckle on the hope in light brassieres,
My my my, my my my, my-my my-my...
Sullen load is full, so slow on the split.
And I told you to be patient,
And I told you to be fine,
And I told you to be balanced,
And I told you to be kind,
And now all your love is wasted,
Then who the hell was I?
'Cause now I'm breaking at the britches,
And at the end of all your lines.
Who will love you?
Who will fight?
And who will fall far behind?
Come on skinny love,
My my my, my my my, my-my my-my...
My my my, my my my, my-my my-my.
As the song ends, it begins to play again, my mind now to occupied by the thought of Tris, I don't register the repetition. Tris does though, her head popping off my chest, looking at my phone lying on the table.
She chuckles a little, tilting her head up to look at me, "Is this on repeat?"
"Yes it is," I laugh with her, "but we can sit down if you would like, or maybe just leave. . ." I whisper nervously as she lies her head back down on my chest. I try to breath softer, attempting to slow my heartbeat as I know she can hear it.
"I wish we could live in this moment forever." She mumbles, her eyes shut, disregarding the last thing I just said. I continue to sway to the same song, our song.
"I wish that too." I breath, staring at the sky filled with stars hard to see through the thick tree's and the dangling lights. The cool fall air hitting out bare skin, though we refuse to stop.
She looks up into my eyes once again, just as the song comes to an end for the second time. I stare back with the same passion the she does, our eyes seem to be reading each others, her's mixed with love, lust, and beauty. I can't seem to stop myself from pulling her closer, and connecting her waiting lips to my wanting ones.
Our lips move with passion, synchronized and soft, working against each other gently. The kisses we share are never sloppy, no droll or fast paced makeout sessions, they are slow and loving. I never push her to much though she seem to want to tease me as her hands slide up and down my back, then stopping at my biceps.
When we pull apart she whispers ever so softly, "I love you."
"I love you too." I mumble back, knowing it doesn't have the same meaning for me as it does her.
We spend the rest of our date cleaning up, knowing we can't leave all of these supplies behind. I was forced to admit Christina's help when Tris said she wanted to keep the lights, but I got them from Christina. Christina set this place up though I told her what to do, she knows I owe her one, which is not a good thing with her.
Once we got back in the car, I notice how cold Tris is, giving her my jacket as we both sit and wait for the heat to turn on in the car.
"Thank you so much, Tobias. No one has ever done anything like that for me." She says, rubbing her hands together to create warmth. I chuckle a little, grabbing her hand closest to me, rubbing it in between my lukewarm ones. She sighs in relief, sinking into her chair at my touch. "Thank god. How do you keep your hands so warm?"
Yet again I find myself laughing, the things this girl does to me. "I don't know, but it gives me a good excuse to hold your hand so I'm fine with it."
A small laugh burst from her lips, a smile spreading across her face. "You do that anyway."
"I guess I do, don't I?"
She only nods, the smile still present on her face. I start the car, driving away from our beautiful date location, going to her house where we both plan to have a good nights sleep.
Sorry it took so long guys, I had volleyball and I'm now back in school so I had to do a lot of homework and then to add a two hour practice leaves no time for writing! Thank god for the weekend! Anyway please tell me how you liked this chapter and what you look forward to seeing in this story! Please Review!
~divergent24-7