A/N: non-Whovians can still skip this, rest of you welcome back.

Spoilers: 1-3 season Dr Who

Beta-ed: TattoedLibrarian (thank you for doing this in worst of situations)

The Doctor stood on the deck of his Tardis and stared at nothing, in time and space, and felt the weight of all his years, losses, sorrow and solitude. He wasn't the one who like to do that, but sometimes time would trick him and he would stand alone left behind. He felt shaken by the recent string of events. This regeneration of his was more emotional, it seemed like he cared more than ever, he hoped next one would be more cheerful, but at the same time he realized that he started to fear the next one. John Smith was the blame for that; he made him fearful before disappearing. Although John Smith, the human he became, was still in there he was painfully aware it he wasn't him. He sustained all his memories and qualities, but he wasn't him, he didn't think like him, he didn't feel like him.

The thing that Joan had said to him at their parting didn't help with that either, her firm conviction that John was dead, her upright back as she asked him if any of them would have died if he hadn't come. She was hurt and he could understand that, but still. Having the book that John Smith wrote about him, the Doctor, cheeky regeneration, like Jack called him, eased that string of pain, knowing her destiny, which she was able to go on, to have children, and live life she wanted to live, that John Smith wanted to live with her. That life pained the Doctor, because he wanted that too sometimes, in times like this one, but he knew he couldn't have it. Not with his mind, and his perspective of the Universe, not when there was nobody left to share it. He liked Joan, he really did, and he could reach inside him that almost painful love that John Smith had for her, but she could never understand wholeness that was him. The perspective that was enormous.

Rose did, she didn't know it all, but she came close as a human could get, she accepted him, the whole of him, not asking anything he couldn't give, leaning against him, keeping him warm. She gave herself into the life he had lead without a second thought; she gave her love and support holding nothing back. And he leaned against her letting her grab his hand and laughing with no worries about her short life, because she didn't worry. It was most difficult to lose her so suddenly. She even accepted his transformation into a new man although she did mourn his last self; she was able to accept he was in there somewhere, and that this was still him, the whole of him, only bigger as time went by.

Joan was unable to even look at him for a goodbye, to acknowledge that some of John Smith had survived, that became a part of him. Like her, John Smith refused to accept his new existence, with a broader view, something bigger than him. With that, with the fear he died, from his point of view, he put a burden on the Doctor, he gave him the perspective from which he died every time he regenerated.

Watching Jack die and wake up unchanged didn't help with that. That's what he meant when he said to Jack "you never change", because he didn't. He just went with the flow of time and lived things one at the time, remaining himself, only older and wiser. Now, when he could almost catch a glimpse at his enormous life he could see the Captain Jack Harkness in the Face of Boe. He even returned to his first identity when he grew old. As his name was taken efficiently as the Weeping Angels would take your time, it would be pointless to get back to that. And he still called the Doctor to accompany him to death; he still called him a friend, an old friend, which he was. That's why he had taken the vortex manipulator from him, to give him a chance to live life beside others like him, because although he couldn't die, he was still human, and he still looked like one, cared like one. Seeing Jack again gave him the boost, it was certain delight in their tuning to each other, Jack knew how to do that, to adjust to another person, that was part of his unmistakable charm, but it also reminded him on the void between them, of Rose that they both would include. The other thing was that he looked different to him, he saw Jack different then his old self with big ears, he saw the depth of him, hidden pockets of pain that weren't fresh, that were there the last time, but he just stormed by it playing along with his light surface. Of course it supported that annoying theory that John Smith annoyingly held on to inside of him, keeping himself separated from other parts of the Doctor.

That got him back to the present where Martha that had just left him, Martha that took care of him, that sustained him even when he was that pompous John Smith, because he was pompous, he would say that to him from time to time to keep him down, tried to get rid of her, and was rude towards her bravery and dedication; Martha that always kept him at arms distance, keeping her head, holding her emotions under control. He was aware of those emotions, but he couldn't really take them as real, because she loved the idea of him, certain part of him that was all action and brain, and she was annoyed by that feeling, she never gave into it. That's why he thought she handled it nicely, and that he just needed to ignore it. Of course that couldn't last forever, it was the time for her to go, and she did, as always, she was smart enough to get out in the right moment, while she was still alive and young, in the moment that she was most needed. That was the greatness of her, she was the carer, true on, and she cared about people without realizing it. Everywhere they would go she would immediately get involved, entangled with the people they would meet. But in spite of that she would be able to leave them without regret, with humour and confidence, just as she left him.

Her humour was relief in worst of situations. She was able to laugh in face of the Master while he held a weapon pointed in her. She didn't fake it, she really laughed, and he loved her for it. It made everything bearable; at least for those around him. He had no humour when he thought about the Master and their long battle between their different incarnations. Even during the fight they known each other, they'd both changed, and they'd both looked at the Universe through the same eyes, the Master could see the whole of creation in every moment just like the Doctor did. Although he interpreted it in his twisted and mad way, he had still seen it. He saw Jack, he saw Martha, he could sense Rose, he saw it all without love, but the facts were there, events were there, the Doctor wasn't a lonely madman, the Master was mad, that made him less lonely.

The fact that the Master chose to die, to destroy himself to spite him, made the Doctor want to scream and shout with pain and frustration. He knew how hard it was for him to do it, because that fear of death was something they both shared, that was the thing their whole kind shared. That fear was so great that they've cheated it as long as they could. They were willing to change into someone else to avoid it.

`Was it all worth it` he thought to himself and with that thought he crashed into the Titanic losing his train of thoughts activated into a new realm of events, new people, a new mystery, and a new task.

Here, I dared to write the Doctor, hope I did him justice. Next one is a little treat, at least I think so.