A/N: so before I start this chapter I want to say, I am so truly sorry for not updating in so long. If I were you, I would hate me so much. I feel terrible. And also the two songs in this chapter are called, the first one being All I Want by Kodaline, and the second song is called Little Do You Know by Alex and Sierra.
A huge shoutout to Divergent46 (Guest) for the amazing idea for this chapter and for the song idea of Little Do You Know, that is one of my favorite songs now, I absolutely love it. Thank you so much!
Thank you to all who have stuck with me so far, I love you guys, you have no idea. Thank you.
Chapter 30:
TOBIAS POV:
When I open the front page of the book, something falls out of it and onto the ground. I slowly bend down picking it up, realizing is a single white rose, wrinkled and old, wilting and squished by the book. I walk over to her bed, sitting myself down, looking back at the first page of her journal.
There is one entry, the date on top from about three years ago during June, the day after I left her, I decide to read it because I know I'm already in deep trouble. It reads;
June 16,
A bouquet of red roses with a single white rose stuck in the middle was found on my doorstep today, along with a card, plain and white. When I opened the card, all it read was, You stand out to me, in a sea of red pain and anger, you are the white light. You are my angel. I know for a fact that it was Tobias, as he would always call me his angel when we were children. I don't know why he stopped, but when his mother passed away, it was like I was no longer his angel, she took my place. I know that sounds selfish, but I love him, I don't know where he's gone to, and I don't know if I will ever see him again. All I know is that I will miss him like hell.
~ Tris Prior
Her beautiful large hand writing takes up the entire page, making the journal her own. I do remember delivering those flowers right before my father basically beat me till I was in the car and leaving. She's always been my angel, I only stop calling her that, not because my mother had replaced her, but because at the time, the thought of her ending up like my mother, buried in the ground, as an actual angel, scared me. I didn't want to think about her death, though now I think of it more often than I would ever want, but she is still my angel.
Before I continue on with the next page, I pull my cell phone out and dial the closest florist's number. My father knows a co-owner so even though they are probably closed, if that guy answer he will do whatever I want or need.
Thankfully just the guy I was looking for answers the phone in a grumpy voice, "Hello? I'm sorry, but we are closed for the night."
"Wait! It's Tobias Eaton, Marcus's kid."
"Ah, what can I do for you, son?" He asks, his voice much more polite and open.
"Would it be possible for you to deliver a bouquet of red roses with a single white rose in the middle of the bouquet to an address that I will text to you?" I question a little hesitantly, nervous he won't be able to.
"Um, I think that is possible, it will take five minutes to make the bouquet and however long it takes to get to your location, but would you like to pay there?" I hum a loud 'uh huh,' then he says, "Alright, I will do that. Do you mind me asking what this is for?"
"I don't mind, it's for my girlfriend, she's in the hospital." I state, sorrowfully.
"Oh that poor girl, this is a real nice thing you're doing for her, son." He tells me, rustling around with something in the back ground.
"Thank you, I have to go now, but I will text you the address, and I really appreciate you coming to help."
"Sure thing, Tobias." He says, and then the line goes dead and I quickly text him Tris's address. Then I turn back to her journal sitting innocently in my lap, causing my stomach to twist from the guilt of reading her personal belongings.
I try to just push the feeling aside and ignore it so that I can finish reading this book, I open it again, this time though, to the second page. At the top of the page in cursive is written; My Songs, underneath it is what looks like verses from a song.
My right hand skims across the page as I read the lyrics to this song...to her song;
All I want is nothing more
To hear you knocking at my door
'Cause if I could see your face once more
I could die a happy girl I'm sure
When you said your last goodbye
I died a little bit inside
I lay in tears in bed all night
Alone without you by my side
But if you loved me
Why'd you leave me?
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody.
I'll find somebody like you.
Oh oh
So you brought out the best of me,
A part of me I've never seen.
You took my soul and wiped it clean.
Our love was made for movie screens.
But if you loved me
Why'd you leave me?
Take my body,
Take my body.
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody.
I'll find somebody.
Oh
If you loved me
Why'd you leave me?
Take my body,
Take my body.
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody.
I'll find somebody like you.
Oh
This entry was dated about a year after I left, and reading it over makes me feel like I'm invading her personal thoughts and emotions. I can't help let a lone tear slid out of my-probably-red puffy eyes, from trying to hold back the anger I have towards myself, and the sadness I feel for her. As I turn the page, I see another entry, dated the same as the song, just printed in her neat handwriting on the back of the song page.
June 4,
I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know what I'm doing writing my feelings in a notebook. This past year I've been trying to write this song, and every second of every day I'm reminded of what it means to me. Where is he? Why wouldn't he answer my phone? I feel like I'm breaking inside. My brothers starting to notice, and I don't know what to do about it. My parents look at me and see the girl I used to be, and I suppose it's better that way. They shouldn't feel bad for me, because as the days drag on, the more I feel my old self slip away. I'm losing myself. I was stupid to let Tobias love me. We were stupid thinking we were in love. I was stupid to think that I was finally good enough.
~Tris Prior
I can't take this. A silver knife is stabbing itself in my heart, it's ironic that she's the one in the hospital when I feel like this. I can feel my self loathing, I hate what I did to her. Looking at this journal just signified what I knew I did to her...what I did to her. If I didn't know any better, I would probably break it off with Tris once again, but it seems like everytime that happens, she gets worse.
She's thinks I'm good for her when it's been apparent all along that I'm what's killing her. I'm killing her. Whether with my actions or words, or even just my absence, I'm slowly but surely taking her life, sucking it right out of her. I'm no good for her. I should be leaving her, but the thing is, I can't….I just can't.
My thoughts are pounding against my skull, making me want to focus on anything else, so I look back down in my lap at her journal. Out of the so little I've read, there is no way I will be able to read all of it without hurting myself and the wall. Instead, I skip ahead, to the very last page. She has put a small teal sticky note in use as a bookmark, I gently turn the pages and I look at the right side of the flagged page.
It's another song, though it seems to be really short. I read the lyrics slowly, trying to take in each emotion she had writing this.
Little do you know
How I'm breaking while you fall asleep
Little do you know
I'm still haunted by the memories
Little do you know
I'm trying to pick myself up piece by piece
Little do you know
I need a little more time
Underneath it all I'm held captive by the hole inside
I've been holding back for the fear that you might change your mind
I'm ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight
Little do you know
I need a little more time
I turn the page over to look at the possible passage there, and sure enough she's written down something dated only a few weeks ago.
November 29,
I can't finish the song. I just can't. He cheated. I'm still trying to heal from other wounds and it's like he's ripped open a whole new one, one bigger than the other. I can't finish the song. I still love him, but I can't. I shouldn't. The song is missing something, just like my heart is missing something. And sadly enough, I think that something is him.
~Tris Prior
She missed me even after I did that horrible thing. The song is a beautifully written ballad, and though I shouldn't, I can't help myself but to want to finish this song for her. I want to sing this with her, I want her to hear what I have to say about what she spoke through in the lyrics. She needs to understand that I will do anything for her.
I think about the place she always took me when we were kids, right on the edge of a rocky stream, letting off soothing sounds of water. In the canopy of great oak trees, sat a bench where she taught me to play the guitar. We would sit for hour playing and singing along to covers of music albums.
Flashback:
She sat beside me, her body so close to mine that our thighs were touching, though she didn't seem to notice the small contact, I sure did. I stare at her with the guitar resting in my lap, my hands still in the position to play. I watch as she looks around us, glancing over the incredible scenery. My eyes gaze over her face, that beautiful face, the perfect plump pink lips, the way her nose is slightly longer than is should be, the slope of her profile is so feminine and just beautiful.
She turns her head to face me, her bright bluish grey eyes staring into mine. That's my favorite thing about her features, her eyes, the brilliant, vibrant blue irises laced with the color grey. They allow me to see into her soul, to show me that not only is she beautiful on the outside, but also on the inside.
"What?" She speaks, a shy smile making its way to her perfect lips.
"I was just, um, admiring how much you've grown in the last few years." I smoothly lie, though it's not a total lie, I'm just not sure how she would react if I called her beautiful.
Tris huffs in relief, "Yeah, I was worried I would never lose that baby fat that crowded my cheeks."
I let out a little chuckle, she never had much baby fat, she was born at around 6 pounds, a small baby. Even though I want to look away from her because we've passed the socially unacceptable period of time to stare into each others eyes, I cant tear them away.
"Tobias, have I ever told you how much I love your eyes." Tris speaks barely above a whisper.
"No."
"Well I love your eyes. They remind me of the ocean, like I'm swimming." She tells me smiling. I can't help but to feel a little bit of heat rush to the tips of my ears. Even though I may regret my next decision later, I need to get it out and tell her. She can interpret it however she likes, but I know exactly how I feel, I've felt this way for years now.
"Tris," I pause smiling at her, "have I ever told you how beautiful you are?"
"No."
"Well then, Tris, I think you are beautiful, it's quite distracting when I'm trying to practice." I tell her and she starts to laugh lightly.
"Thanks, if that's true you soon may have to learn how to share me because I think I officially am out looking for a boyfriend."
"You want a boyfriend?"
"Yeah, have for a while," then the blush begins to fill her cheeks, "Why? Do you think I'm not….fit for it?"
"No it's not that." Definitely not that.
"Then what, Tobias?" Tris desperately asks, placing her hand over my knee. I could give her a thousand answers, but all of them lead to the same conclusion, I'm totally in love with her. She shouldn't know that ever, I would most likely embarrass myself if I admit it, but every day and night, all I think about is her. I love her, with all my heart.
"Nothing, nothing at all."
End of Flashback:
She has to have a guitar, and I'm not going back to see her without one. I'm going to finish this song. This song is going to become our song.
So tell me what you think please! I'm sorry for the absence, I really am. Just remember I love you all and I will try to get another update in the next two - three days. I love you all so much! Please review!
~divergent24-7