(OotP) CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT: Rash, Impulsive, and Dangerous

El,

I was listening.

I've been trying not to. I've been trying to give you the space and boundaries you deserve. I can't always help it, though, especially when your thoughts are so loud. So, yeah, I was listening, and I almost reached back out to you to answer you, but I was scared—scared it would hurt or overwhelm you to hear me in your head after so long—scared it would be a mistake.

I'm still scared—scared that writing this letter will undo whatever progress I might have made in the past six months. Then again, it feels like the farthest thing from "progress" for me, and I'm starting to think maybe you feel the same. Seeing you like that last night—feeling the rage and anguish that you felt, and knowing that you hurt yourself because of it, even if unintentionally—how could I not?

If you want me to leave you alone, I understand. I've always wanted what's best for you, El—whatever makes you happy.

But I need you to know that I don't want to leave you alone anymore.

Not that I ever really did.

I'm sorry for hurting you, El. I'm worried about you.

I love you, now and always.

Fred

Ellie performed The Breakdown at the Crossed Wands Club the day after she received the letter from Fred. She chose a more sensible outfit—one she might have worn at a Weasleys show before the split. As she sang, by no conscious choice of her own, her bubble gum pink hair changed back to its normal dark brown.

She wanted to write back to him. She wanted to tell him that it was so far past time they talked, she was insulted by the suggestion. She wanted to tell him that she was, and would always be, lost without him.

His letter had reminded her of the real reasons he'd left and the real reasons he'd stayed away. It had been for her, on some stupid, heroic level. It had been to give her a shot at happiness. He really did love her.

But it didn't matter. He had put her through too much pain in his quest to try to force happiness onto her. It never should have been his decision in the first place, and she refused to do as Oliver had predicted and open her heart up to him yet again.

Besides, did it really matter anymore?

She was dying.

It was on an April afternoon that the D.A. was caught.

Umbridge had created a group of students, which she called the Inquisitorial Squad, who were charged with catching "unsanctioned" student groups like theirs. Led by Draco and his Slytherin friends, the squad had tried and failed to catch both groups countless times by then. On this particular day, though, Dobby the house elf showed up in the midst of their session in the Room of Requirement to inform them that their location had been compromised and that Umbridge was on her way.

The D.A. scattered at that, all scrambling this way and that to escape the Room of Requirement before Umbridge reached it.

The B.A., of course, was less concerned. Luna, Neville, Liam, and Katie each grabbed a free inch of Ellie's hands and arms, closed their eyes, and allowed her to transport them safely to an empty classroom near the Great Hall, out of which they were able to sneak.

"Luna," Ellie said as they walked to their favourite courtyard together. "Can you tell what's going on through Harry or one of the others?"

Luna squeezed her eyes shut, allowing Katie and Neville to help steer her as they walked. Only a few seconds later, she parted her lips, eyes still closed, and said, "He's in Dumbledore's office. It looks like she caught a good bit of them when they escaped." She froze in her tracks at that, then added, "They've got the sign-up sheet. They have our names, too."

Ellie could barely remember the day she'd scribbled her name onto the sign-up sheet at the Hog's Head. At least it didn't specify the members of Black's Army. Then again, the fact that it said "Dumbledore's Army" couldn't exactly work in their favour.

"Fudge is there," Luna continued as they started to walk again. "A few Ministry officials are with them. Marietta Edgecombe's face is covered in some sort of boils… It looks like she's the one who ratted."

Ellie cursed at that. She had never liked Marietta.

They had reached the courtyard by then. They sat Luna carefully down onto a bench as they listened in eager anticipation. Marietta was talking nonsense, Luna explained, almost as if she'd been Confunded—she wasn't giving much up—and yet, Fudge and Umbridge were threatening expulsion for Harry—

"Dumbledore's taking the blame!" Luna gasped then, jumping to her feet. "He's saying he really was building an army!"

"He's protecting the students," Katie breathed, shaking her head. "What an amazing dude."

"What's happening now?" Ellie asked Luna urgently, wishing she hadn't bothered escaping so that she could be in the room with them.

"They're trying to arrest him. He's saying he refuses to come quietly. He…" She gasped. "He disappeared! The phoenix flew over to him, and they disappeared together in a burst of flames!"

Ellie smiled softly to herself. Apparently she wasn't the only one who could Apparate out of Hogwarts, after all.

Umbridge, of course, was named Headmistress in Dumbledore's absence.

"You need to be careful," Liam warned Ellie as soon as he heard the news. "In your little game of chess, she's just gained a lot of power."

Ellie nodded grimly. It didn't help, she knew, that her change of hair colour seemed to have cost her some fans—nor that she had more or less stopped writing and recording new music.

"Noel's been asking about you," Liam told her. "Asked me how long I think this little 'break' of yours is going to last."

She had told Noel and the label that with O.W.L.'s fast approaching, she needed to take time to focus on her studies. It wasn't entirely untrue, but it had more to do with her simply needing time away from that world.

That, and her feeling completely uninspired.

"Has Luna heard anything new?" she asked, determined to change the subject. She hadn't spent quite as much time as usual with the B.A. lately.

"Bits and pieces. He seems to be looking for some sort of weapon, and from what we can gather, it's in the Department of Mysteries. But as far as I can tell, he hasn't made a move to actually acquire it—not since, you know, the situation with Arthur."

It was strange, hearing Liam refer to Mr. Weasley as "Arthur." To Ellie, he was closer to "Dad" than "Arthur"—though, of course, she already had one of those.

"I don't understand," she said, shaking her head. "It can't be that hard for him to break into the Ministry. He's even got employees like Lucius Malfoy who already work there. What's the problem?"

"There's a magical reason for it, if I had to guess," said Liam. "Like a protective charm or enchantment that he hasn't figured out yet. If Arthur was there that night, it means the Order probably already knows."

She considered asking Sirius about it directly, but decided there was no point. He was already livid with her for the incident at Azkaban; there was no way he'd risk her becoming even more involved by telling her the truth about whatever this "weapon" was.

She'd talk to Harry, she decided as she heaved a sigh and rose to her feet.

She was long overdue for a talk with him, anyway.

"I thought it was crazy, what you did," Harry told her that evening in the common room. "Rash, impulsive, and dangerous. But the more I've thought about it, the more I can't help thinking I'm sort of… jealous, too."

"Jealous?" she repeated, glancing curiously back at him.

"The whole point of the D.A. is to prepare us for what's out there, right? To ready us for battle against Voldemort? Isn't that exactly what you were doing?"

"Well… yeah," she managed, frowning. "But according to Dumbledore, we messed with the plan—you know, the bigger picture."

"That's probably true." He smiled at her. "But I think I've made a habit of doing that along the years, too."

"That's true," she said, smiling weakly back at him. "But you haven't made a habit of murdering people."

She hadn't directly told him she'd killed someone before that moment, but she could tell he wasn't surprised; someone else clearly had. She had half-hoped he might look scared or angry with her, but he didn't. Instead, he reached out to squeeze her hand and said, "He was a bad guy, El. You did what you had to do."

I didn't! she wanted to scream at him. I had the upper hand! He didn't even have a wand!

But it wouldn't be fair to subject Harry to that. Whatever pain she felt over what she had done to Antonin Dolohov was hers to bear alone.

"Would you want us to call you next time?" she asked him instead. "If Luna found out more about what they were planning—found out that they were going to make a break for the Department of Mysteries, for example—would you want to come with us?"

He raised an eyebrow. "So you're saying you'd do it again?"

"We'd tell Dumbledore first. But… yeah. I reckon we would."

He remained silent for several seconds. Then, finally, he nodded. "Yeah—I think I'd like to join you."

The following week, Ellie found herself in Professor McGonagall's office for down for her careers advice session.

Umbridge, of course, was spectating.

"Well," McGonagall said to Ellie, clearing her throat. "There's one obvious choice, which you've already splashed quite deeply into: your musical career. Is that something you plan to continue pursuing long-term?"

Ellie glanced at Umbridge, who was making a rather obviously judgmental face, then back at McGonagall.

What did she want to do with her life? Before she had gone solo, had she envisioned herself making music with The Weasleys for a living? Or had she pictured a more simple life—one where she helped the twins with their joke shop, made music when it fancied her, and kicked Dark wizard arse when the need arose?

One thing was certain: she didn't want to be a pop princess forever. Already, she could barely stomach making or writing the sort of music she'd been dabbling in.

"No," she finally said, heaving a sigh. "I don't."

Umbridge made a little tutting noise, which both of them ignored.

"Any other interests or passions, then?" McGonagall asked her. "You've always had an affinity for Charms and Defence against the Dark Arts—"

Another, louder tutting sound, which McGonagall also ignored.

"Have you considered becoming an Auror?" McGonagall asked Ellie. "You clearly have quite the knack for fighting Dark wizards."

Doing it when the need arose was one thing, but doing it professionally?

She'd likely be dead by then anyway, but on the off chance she wasn't, that line of work would surely push her shield to a point of killing her.

Besides… it wasn't what she wanted.

"I don't enjoy fighting," she told McGonagall quietly. "I never really wanted to be an Auror. I just wanted to keep my friends safe."

"Then what do you enjoy?" McGonagall asked her. "What brings you happiness?"

But she didn't know how to answer that, because the only thing that came to mind was Fred.

In the end, they didn't come to any real conclusion. McGonagall didn't know what to do with Ellie; it was starting to seem like no one did.

Was she making a mistake in ignoring Fred's letter? Was she choosing her own pride and stubbornness over a chance to actually be happy?

Was she really prepared to spend the rest of her life—even the rest of the month— without him?

She had less than a month until her O.W.L.'s, she reminded herself. Whatever she did or didn't decide about Fred could wait until after them.

Not as exciting a chapter as some of the past ones, but we did have to get the canon bits out of the way of Dumbledore leaving and Umbridge taking over. But tomorrow's chapter will start making its way out of canon and into some interesting new developments, and we only have three left in OoTP, so make sure to stay tuned and keep showing that support by reviewing and following!