Chapter 38

Spoiler for First Strike and Adrift/ end of season 3

Alright, hang on tight, you're in for a few more emotional roller coasters but I promise you'll soon know a lot more about Louise too and when we get there, I'll start publishing the prequel as well (which is simply called Louise).

On with the show.

She's there when Keller steers John away from the others in the infirmary and announces Elizabeth will never be the same again, if ever she wakes up. She sees his look of despair. He's looked away, towards the computer screens, but his gaze is void of emotions, as if his heart was shutting down.

She ponders letting them know she's there but there's no time for it. In the last twenty-four hours, the situation has gone from bad to worse and John is in charge now and doesn't have enough time to do everything. She needs not add to his burden.

She waits for him to leave before she approaches Elizabeth's bed. How can she be lying there, dying, when only two days ago, they were having coffee together in her office, waiting for John, Rodney and Colonel Ellis to come home?

Elizabeth is worried that they have made a hasty decision that they might pay dearly. Louise has seen how difficult the decision to follow Ellis' orders has been for John. He hates not being in synch with his boss. They've found a balance and it's the first time in years he has to do something she doesn't agree with.

She's prepared a tray for Elizabeth, knowing she won't leave her office until she's heard of the success of their mission. On second thought, she's added a mug of coffee for herself. Elizabeth seems grateful for the company. Being the leader, she's often very lonely. By now, Louise has gotten the hang of it – when to be her friend and when to make herself scarce. They talk a lot that day – more than they probably ever have before. Little do they know it will be the last time.

She feels useless there. They're spread thin both in the infirmary and in the Control Room and she can't be of any help. She wanders aimlessly until she hears the order that is given to any personnel with the Ancient gene to get to the jumper bay. She gets there as John is explaining the task at hand. He glances at her when the medic tech protests he has never fired a live drone. Most of them have only logged a few hours on the jumpers and she knows for a fact most were pretty relunctant to fly them in the first place. Now, they need to stay in formation and make a safe path for Atlantis or else. She nods at John and goes to see them all before they board the jumpers, encouraging them. John and herself lag behind. "Louise, I need you and Rodney to be my wingmen, make sure no one strays." She nods silently and breathes out. "There'll be time enough to mourn if we reach our new home," he says with a sad smile, knowing what's on her mind. She nods and gives him a hug he returns briefly before they board their jumpers.

"You let me fly the jumper," she protests when the team leaves with Elizabeth to retrieve a ZPM. "It was dangerous. So why can't I come now?" She's pissed. One, because she was not allowed to see Elizabeth when they reactivated her nanites and she was finally awake. And two, because he's babying her again. "John," she pleads, "I can help. I can power systems at a distance too. It could come in handy. Please, let me come with you."

He barely registers her presence as they're making their way to the jumper. She has to run to keep up with his pace. He snaps at her. "I said no!"

She turns to Elizabeth as her last resort. "Ma'am, please, take me with you."

Elizabeth smiles sadly at her. "It's not my call anymore, Louise. John's in charge now."

She remains standing there, her arms at her sides, too stunned by the hard truth that's finally hitting her like a ton of bricks. Elizabeth will never be the same, she reminds herself. She'll be shunned and maybe removed from Atlantis altogether. "Be safe," she whispers.

She's not allowed into the Control Room until they finally reach their new home. She's so anguished, she walks to the infirmary and asks to help – anything will do – so Jennifer gives her simple tasks to perform to keep her mind off her worries. She's then told she can go back to her kitchen now the ZPM is allowing the whole City to be shielded. She simply doesn't have the heart to leave the comfort of being around people and realizes how different she is from the person who stepped on Atlantis three years ago.

She glances at Chris, who is cleaning medical equipment. He glances briefly towards her as well and tries to look reassuring. It's the first time she sees him in weeks, actually since Teyla has suggested his interest in her kitchen might be more for the cook herself than the place or her cooking. When she finally found the nerve to confront him about it, he didn't bother to deny it and ever since that time, she's purposefully evaded him.

She ponders going to see him to apologize for being so rude but her mind is on the flagship team and them alone. She knows for a fact they've returned with a ZPM because the City is flying again and they've been told they've chosen a safe planet on which they'll land shortly. She hasn't heard from Elizabeth though. All she knows is John has come back safely as he's in the Chair.

She calls the Control Room and offers to help but is told once more they have it covered. Colonel Sheppard has ordered for her to stand down for the time being. She huffs, dejected. Once more, he's protecting her, not wanting to gamble with her health. Once more, she has no say in what should only be her call.

She's finally allowed to reach the Control Room after they have landed the City and everyone is accounted for. She sees Colonel Carter and John devising on the balcony. Elizabeth is nowhere to be seen. Colonel Carter nods at John and heads inside. She gives Louise a sad smile and shakes hands. "My CO is quite fond of you and your cooking. I'm sorry we don't have time to chat, Ms Léger. I need to gate back," she elaborates, seeing Louise's puzzled look. She tilts her head towards John who is still gazing at the two moons of their new world. "He's gonna need his friends. I'm counting on you."

Louise shakes her head. "I don't understand, Ma'am. What's going on?"

Carter realizes she's been kept out of the loop. "I'm sorry. I thought you knew..."

Louise has listened to Carter intently, not interrupting her once. The other woman looks sorry for her. Louise suddenly seems lost. "You don't seem well," Carter tells her, seeing her blanch. "Maybe you should sit down."

Louise shakes her head. "It's OK, Ma'am. I'll survive. If you'll excuse me..." Carter nods and watches Louise head towards the balcony doors. Those two must be feeling like orphans. They need to stick together.

Sam heads to the Control Room. "Dial the gate. I need to return to the SGC."

John feels her presence before he hears her strained voice. "How could you leave her there, all alone?" Louise accuses him. "You need to go back now."

He turns and walks to her, a look of hurt in his eyes. "I did everything I could. We all did. She ordered us to leave."

"And you should have ignored her orders, damn it! She's your friend!" she yells at him, tears clinging to her eyelashes.

"Louise," he says pleadingly. "Don't add to my guilt. I'm begging you. She made sure the City would be safe and sound. There was no other way."

She watches him for an eternity, wavering, then she remembers Carter's words. She steps forward and wraps her arms around him, clinging to him as he returns the favor. "Promise we'll find her," she whimpers against his chest.

He sighs. "I can't make promises I might not be able to keep, Louise. But I promise you one thing. We'll keep looking."

She finally goes to bed around midnight, having doubled and tripled-checked what she needs to serve in the morning as well as what's left of her stocks. The Apollo is in orbit and letting people return to the City so she has an army to feed and will soon need more than what the Apollo has in its holds to feed both the inhabitants of the City and the ship's entire crew if they're staying longer than usual. That worries her – like in the first weeks on their arrival in the City – and she ponders going to see John about it but he must be exhausted and have too much on his mind. She checks with Chuck nevertheless. He tells her the temporary leader has headed to his quarters telling them to disturb him only in the event of an invasion.

She opts out of bothering him though she wants nothing more than the comfort of his presence. She's too wound up to go to bed so she walks aimlessly in the corridors, trying to tire herself before she heads to her room. Her feet lead her to Chris's quarters. He told her once where he resides. She thinks of how considerate he's always been with her and how unfriendly she's been to him in return. After today, after losing yet another friend, she realizes once more she must stop keeping people at arms' length – life is short and who knows when you'll see a person again.

She hesitates in front of his door. He's probably asleep by now. She turns to leave when she sees him round the corner of the corridor. He smiles fondly at her. "Hey, watcha doin' here?"

She shrugs. "I was coming to see if you were here... to apologize." She looks sheepish and shuffles her feet uncomfortably. She's never been good at this all social thing. She's definitely not a people person.

He approaches her, still smiling. "You really don't need to, Louise. I should be the one. I kind of invaded your space and imagined things. I should have known you didn't need the attention." He rubs her arm affectionately.

She pouts, tears clinging to her eyes. "You were being very sweet and I was being an ass, you mean."

"Hey," he says softly, pulling her gently towards him, "what's wrong? Is it Dr Weir?"

She nods quietly, letting her tears fall freely, then breathes out, trying to calm down. "I'm sorry. I'm a mess right now. I shouldn't have come."

He pulls her even closer and wraps his arms around her. "It's OK. It's gonna be OK," he whispers in her hair, rubbing circles on her back. She breathes in and lets herself relax. Just a moment, she tells herself. It feels so good being in the arms of a man. Of course, there's John, and Rodney and Ronon and if she's fair, she knows she can get hugs from them whenever she needs one. But it's not the same. Because they're just friends. And there, in Chris' arms, she suddenly thinks about the possibility of more. She knows this is stupid and terribly wrong and that she should pull away but that's when he pulls her closer and she can smell his scent she's come to like whenever he sat next to her in the kitchen. And that's when she feels his strong arms around her. Her mind goes blank and she cuddles against him, sealing her fate.

"Let me take care of you," he whispers in her ear, trailing kisses down her neck. He lifts her chin gently with his forefinger and she gets lost in his bright blue eyes. "Please?" he adds, dropping a kiss on her lips then looking into her eyes. It's been so long and she's been so lonely... She closes her eyes and wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him closer. He kisses her again and it promises so much more, she loses track of where she is and leans in, demanding more, moaning against his lips. He chuckles. "Let's get to my quarters, sweetheart. I think it's gonna take some time to quench that thirst. Better make ourselves comfortable." He opens the door and leads her inside, still kissing her, his hands caressing her back, up and down, massaging it until she completely relaxes against him.

When they finally pull apart, breathless, he makes her sit on the side of the bed and crouches in front of her. "Louise," he says, taking her hands in his, "I need you to make sure this is what you want. Lord knows I want you but I don't want to take advantage of you. I know you're hurting and it's probably the only reason that brought you here."

She smiles sadly. "You mean I'm taking advantage of you then."

He chuckles and gives her his trademark Chesshire grin, the one that makes most of the girls on base swoon. "Yeah, that's exactly what I mean. And note that I'm not complaining. Quite the contrary. I just want you to know if that's what you want, I'll be most happy to hold you tonight and make you lose that pain I see in your eyes." She nods. "Is that a yes, Louise?" he asks hopefully.

She nods again and he grins once more. "Just one more thing though," he adds, looking into her eyes, "we stop whenever you say stop, OK?"

She smiles. "I'm not a little girl anymore, Chris. I know the rules. It's good to know you're a gentleman but, to be honest, I don't think I'll want to stop." She's charmed by his gentle ways and lulled by the promise of sweetness and comfort. She knows she's not being sensible – quite like when she was tempted to share John's beer. But John is not there to stop her tonight. And John doesn't have to know.

She wakes up, knowing she's not in her room, feeling the comfort of strong arms around her and a broad chest flush against her back. She breathes in and feels feathery kisses on her nape. "Morning, beautiful. Slept well?" he whispers in her ear and keeps on exploring her shoulder with kisses.

"Morning," she mumbles, still numb from the dreamless night. "What time is it?"

"Early enough for morning sex," he informs her smugly and she can't help giggling. She had not planned to fall asleep. Actually, she had not planned anything at all. That's why she fell asleep, feeling utterly relaxed some hours earlier. She had not planned this but it sure feels wonderful to wake up in his arms. "What do you think?" he asks hopefully.

She snorts. "You're impossible!"

"Is that a yes?" he prods, tickling her waist, making her squirm.

"Yes! But then I have to leave, Chris. I'm supposed to start my shift at five thirty."

He huffs. "Plenty of time! Besides, I know a few tricks now. I know how to turn you on," he adds wickedly in her ear, making her blush.

She turns in his arms. "Don't get carried away. I don't want to explain why I'm late for work."

He wraps one arm around her waist and pulls her flush to him, making her gasp. "Oh, God, Louise, I love that sound." She blushes again, remembering how smug he looked last night for making her do just that, as well as moan and ask for more. He kisses her and once he's started, she actually doesn't care if she gets to work at all that day.

TBC

Well, what do ya' think?