alright it's up! Not sure when the next one will be up as I have been asked by many of you guys to participate in Evil Charming Week :) so I will be focusing on that for a couple days to get it all ready. Anywho! Enjoy! I promise the next chapter will be a little more upbeat ;)
The drive back to the apartment had been absolutely silent. He had let Snow drive the truck and for what little it was worth, she seemed to appreciate the gesture. It gave her a distraction and kept her from staring at him the whole way back. Not a word had even been so much as attempted between the pair. Not until they both entered the flat and David slowly and quietly closed the door behind them.
"For what it's worth, and I know it isn't much," he started solemnly as he carefully turned around, "I was planning on telling you as soon as we got back from the party," he told her but her back remained to him as she walked to the island and carefully put the keys on the counter. She was trying really hard to keep herself together. It showed in her slow movements and tense posture.
"You're right. It isn't worth much."
David let out a long quiet breath through his nose as he pushed a hand through his hair and looked off to the side. This is not how he wanted this to go. He knew it was going to be ugly no matter what but this was panning out to be an absolute disaster. She didn't say a word more. So slowly and silently he walked up behind her and frowned when she flinched at his touch. His hands curled gently around her arms and she sucked in a breath through her teeth as her shoulders shrugged up and her body grew even more rigid. He tried to soothe her with slow passings of his thumbs but he only found himself frowning deeper when it did nothing but make her more tense.
"Snow-"
"Don't talk to me like this is something that can be fixed over coffee, David," she bit and felt the tightness ache in the back of her throat while her eyes remained pressed shut.
"Of course it's not."
"How long?" Silence was all she got in reply aside from the slight tightening of his grip around her arms. "How long, David?!" She shouted as she spun around and tore her arms from his kind grip, "how long have you been screwing her?!"
He tried not to flinch at her choice of words and could see that she was questioning it as well. Beneath her rage and heartache. "Barely a week," he confessed and her brow furrowed in confusion as she shook her head before blowing up again.
"Why are you lying to me?! Who the hell are you trying to protect?!"
"I am not lying, Snow!"
"How long have you been kissing her then?! If you're going to fight me with the nitty gritty details!"
"Snow, I don't know what you are trying to get from me! I kissed her the same day I slept with her! Last Friday! You were at the house and Henry answered the door!" He shouted and the pieces started to click together in her head and she spun on her heels with tears in her eyes and her hands over her mouth. "Snow...I-"
"How long have you wanted her?"
"...It actually didn't start until you accused her of sleeping with me in the first place," he nodded with a humourless laugh, a hand in his hair, and a lump in his throat, "after that...I couldn't look at her the same. Honestly the thought of her like that had never crossed my mind until then."
"So you're saying that this is my fault?!" She scoffed out in exasperation as she spun around and looked at him through teary eyes.
"No. This is all on me. I saw what I wanted and when I got impatient and saw a window, I took it."
"You are unbelievable," she growled through her teeth, "what the hell, David?!"
"I know you're angry-"
"I am so far past angry, David! I am absolutely livid! What in the actual hell possessed you to sleep with Regina?! Six months ago I was dragging you by your ear to make sure she was still fucking breathing and now you are over there everyday fucking her to your heart's content! Did I miss something?! Have you always been pining after her?! Have you been just itching to get away from me?!"
"No, Snow! That's not-!"
"Because I don't understand how a person can go from hating someone for so long to happily waiting on their every whim in such a short period of time! Or is it just because she's better in bed than I am?!"
"Snow-"
"Don't touch me, David!" She screamed as she swatted both his hands away from her arms as her tears fell miserably, "how dare you touch me with the hands that hold her instead of me! I am your wife! And you betrayed me! You hurt me! Why didn't you tell me?!"
"Because I needed to be sure!" He shouted back in his own misery as tears pricked his eyes.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"
"Regina said it was best we kept it quiet and at first I disagreed but then I realized she was right! I needed to be sure of what I felt before I went and tore everyone's lives apart!"
"So you wanted to make sure you were leaving me because you loved her rather than leaving me for a little fling?!"
"Yes!" He shouted and she gave a humourless smile as she looked away and folded her arms over her chest, "that is exactly why," he confirmed a little softer and she shook her head and sniffed back her tears. "I wanted to make sure that if I was going to hurt you, it was for a reason. I did not start this affair lightly, Snow. I knew exactly how much this was going to affect everyone and so did Regina. She tried so hard to push me away but I wasn't strong enough to listen to her and she wasn't strong enough to keep pushing. I didn't think I ever would but..."
"You love her."
"...I do. Very much," he admitted. Finally. It hurt but it was also such a relief. It lifted such a weight off his shoulders and he felt like he could finally breathe. Even though it hurt right now, he could finally breathe, "I don't want to be with anyone else," he added softly and she nodded as her tears rolled down her face. She couldn't bring herself to look at him and he didn't blame her. He had just broken her heart. He wouldn't want to look at him either. "I am sorry, Snow."
She simply nodded once and then demanded quietly, "get out."
David mirrored her nod and his eyes fell to the floor in shame. He hadn't wanted to hurt her. It was inevitable, he knew, but that didn't mean he wanted to do it. Carefully and without a word, he walked forward and she held her breath and closed her eyes as he reached behind her and took the keys to his truck. And then he left.
And she sunk to the floor and cried.
...
Henry was in bed and the house was quiet but she wasn't ready to sleep yet. So she had wandered downstairs in to the kitchen to see if there was anything she could busy herself with. There wasn't. She knew there wasn't. So she filled herself a glass of water and slowly sipped at it as she leaned forward over the island countertop and let her thoughts wander. She hadn't had such a full day in...decades. She had felt everything from complete love and joy to utter rage and hatred. The negatives just made the highlights stand out. At least that's what she was trying to convince herself of.
She sighed a little as her finger traced an invisible pattern upon her countertop. Everything was going to be okay. Despite Snow hitting her where it hurt, everything was going to be okay. She had to believe that. Or she had simply been spending too much of her time with these hopeful idiots. Either way, she didn't get much further on the subject. Her attention was caught by the queen as she silently came to join her in the kitchen.
Regina greeted her with a smile and stayed bent over the countertop and while the queen smiled back, it was tighter and shorter than what the woman usually gave. And her posture had adopted a rather stiff and tense appearance. It had Regina standing up a little straighter and gently nodding at her with a soft voice, "something wrong?"
"No," the queen shook her head and then looked down at her fingers as she slowly picked at her cuticles and stood at the other side of the island, "no nothing's wrong, I'm just..." She shook her head again and gave a tight breath of laughter and looked up at the mayor without a single hint of humour in her expression, "I'm pregnant."
The queen didn't know what to make of the mayor's reaction. She seemed to recoil away from her and her back and shoulders became stiff and tight as she turned her head ever so slightly. And then her eyes fell to the countertop and she seemed to be holding her breath. The queen didn't know what to make of it. But before anything could leave her mouth, the mayor's voice was heard first.
"Oh," was all she could say as the pain grew heavy in her chest. It was quiet and small and she made herself focus on slowly breathing the tears away as her thumb slid carefully upon the counter. Those were two words she was never expecting to leave her mouth. Ever. They caught her by surprise and ripped the callus off an old and festering wound that she had done her best to ignore. "Does David know?"
"No. No not yet. He fell asleep while I was in the shower," she shrugged with a smile and a roll of her eyes as her arm wound around her stomach. She couldn't help but notice how the mayor's gaze quickly drifted to the movement and stayed focused on her stomach, "seems those kids took a lot out of him today," she tried to cheer up the air around them but promptly failed. She had never seen the mayor so silent. She wanted to know what was going on in the woman's mind. It was making her uneasy.
"You are scaring me," she admitted softly and warily as her body leaned away from the mayor who was now looking her in the eye.
"Why?"
"You have this dreadful look in your eye...like you know something that I don't and that things will turn for the worse," she replied and the mayor shook her head in short and slow movements.
"No," Regina whispered and swallowed the pain that had spread to her throat and assured kindly, "I am certain you will carry to term and the child will life a long and full life," she nodded and the queen have a single nod in reply with a small smile. "Congratulations. I am sure David will be thrilled to hear the news," she smiled and then tried to slip away but her path was cut off by a quiet and worried queen.
She didn't like the way the queen looked tonight. She didn't like it at all. Her face was clean of make up, her long wavy hair was draped over one shoulder, her bare feet were flat on the floor and free of bold heels, and her small figure was only covered by a light blue silk robe. She hated how she looked tonight. She looked like the girl she used to be. The young fiery girl who wore baby blue and kissed her stableboy when no one was looking. It was like looking back on a memory only it wasn't a memory. It was real and she was right in front of her.
Regina had lost count of how many nightmares she had had of having to confront her younger self. Now it felt like it was happening for real and she hated it. It put her on right the verge of tears and nothing had even been said. As if she wasn't hurting enough.
"I have hit a nerve," the queen stated gently and the mayor gave her her best smile but it did nothing to hide the glossy tears shining in her eyes.
"I'm fine," she nodded but felt another stab of pain when the queen tilted her head with a sad smile and kind eyes. It was so hard to keep herself falling.
"No you're not," she breathed out softly and watched as the mayor gave a short hum and bowed her head. The queen stood there for a few moments trying to figure out the woman before her. But even with them being practically the same person, Regina could not figure out the extensive labyrinth this pretty little mayor had built throughout her years. So she took a shot in the dark with a question that had been nagging at her since the words had left the mayor's lips well over a week ago.
"Not all that long ago you told me you had killed everyone you have ever held dear..."
"...I have."
"...What happened?"
Regina shook her head again and kept her eyes away from the queen's and instead focused on her fingers gently and aimlessly scratching at the corner of the countertop, "my story is not one you wish to hear."
"That is where you are wrong. I would very much like to hear it. I have since I found your son on my road," she argued gently and the mayor shook her head once more and then quickly lifted a hand to try and catch the tear that fell down her cheek.
Letting out a small and stressed laugh, Regina looked up at the ceiling behind the queen and took a deep breath. She didn't want to go through them all again. But...a small part of her wanted to talk. A small part that seemed to be growing, wanted to share and relieve the burden from her shoulders, "you won't look at me the same again."
The queen smiled and gave a huff of laughter out her nose, "I find that hard to believe. We are, after all, practically the same," she assured but sobered when the mayor looked her in the eye without so much of a hint of amusement. Only sorrow and pain and self loathing. "Tell me," she breathed with a kind tone and a small shift of her weight. There was a long pause of silence while the mayor searched the queen's eyes for something unknown to her majesty. But then she started to speak and the queen hung off every word.
"I will never forgive myself for what I have done. I hurt so many people. I hurt those I hated, I hurt those I felt indifferent to, I hurt those I loved, and I hurt myself. I don't know how I spiralled so low. I was angry and spiteful and rash. There was a time that Cora found her way back to the Enchanted Forest and to this day I am not certain if she was truly genuine or if she was manipulating me. I had hope and she took it from me once more and I regretted my decision the moment that potion slid down my throat," her voice caught in her throat and she wiped the tears away that tried to escape down her cheeks, "out of spite for my mother, I am no longer able to carry a child. I have yet to concoct a cure. I don't know what I was thinking," she shook her head with a shaky cry and lifted the back of her hand to her lips.
The queen stayed silent and Regina couldn't bring herself to look her in the eye and hated that her gaze landed on the woman's stomach. She was trying so hard not to break down in to helpless sobs and her tears fell as they pleased now. "It ruined me more than I was willing to admit at the time. I felt I had no reason to live anymore. Except to kill Snow. I thought that that was how I had felt before but...it became an obsession. I was cruel and hard and let myself become this cold machine. I had no one. So I did what I did best. I did what I was trained to do. I killed and I manipulated.
"Early in my reign as queen it was prophesied that my soulmate was out there waiting for me. I ran from him. I was a coward. The next time I saw him I was too slow to come out of the callous being that had consumed me. I recognized him. He saw me. But despite the generous amount of time I had, I did not stop the arrows that finished his execution," she shook her head and her throat hurt while her tears fell, "it felt like I had been torn apart and a great part of me died with him that day. It spread like a plague and for a long time I wanted to die. He had always been there in the back of my mind. A possibility for hope. And watching him die..." She shook her head again and turned so she could brace her elbows upon the kitchen counter and cry in to her hands as she pressed her eyes closed.
The queen was on the verge of tears herself as her hand clutched the silk over her stomach and her eyes focused on the crumbling woman before her. Is this what she had been destined to become before it was interrupted by a selfless young boy who knew better?
"I killed Rocinante to enact the Dark Curse," Regina continued miserably and felt her entire body flinch at her words but her eyes were closed so she didn't have to see the reaction of the younger queen. "I cut her heart out, my only friend, and it wasn't enough...I...I needed more but I didn't have anything..." She clawed her fingers over her head and through her hair. She couldn't bring herself to tell her about her father, "I was a monster," she cried and her body shook while the queen remained silent. The queen that so much resembled the young girl who breathed for her father's smile.
Taking a deep breath to compose herself a little better, Regina skipped that part for now and once she had settled and the tears remained, she spoke in a softer voice. A gentler voice, a more pained voice. Less tortured, but more pained, "when the curse broke here in Storybrooke, I was presented with Daniel...a man here had brought him back for me and I...he wasn't right. He was confused and in pain and hurt people. David wanted to kill him...he nearly did. But in the end it was me who turned him to ash," her voice broke and she brought her fingertips to her lips as her brow furrowed with a restrained sob.
"He nearly killed Henry and then he nearly killed me," she shook her head and breathed out a sharp cry and was in too much pain to even think about the queen. The memories of that day were too vivid to ever forget. "I didn't leave the house for days. Losing him once was hard enough, as I know you know. Losing him a second time when I was in so low a place, I-," her throat stopped her voice but her head kept shaking. Still the queen said nothing.
"And Cora..." She started with a miserable laugh and sniffed, "I tried having her killed while I was queen but she tricked me and lived on. When she made her way to Storybrooke to find me, I wanted so badly to believe she just wanted to be with me. She has always had such a strong grip around me and when Snow gave me her heart to put back in her chest so that she may love me properly, I barely hesitated. I was terrified but I wanted so badly to know what it felt like to finally have her love. What I didn't know was that Snow had cursed Cora's heart to save Rumplestiltskin. I had mere seconds with her before she died in my arms and Snow was much too late to stop what she had done. But those few seconds..." She shook her head and sucked in a shaky sob as her tears fell and her eyes stayed on the counter, "she had never smiled like that before."
The queen remained silent for awhile longer and watched the mayor's brow furrow once again in pain as she recalled the memory of Cora's smile and clenched her jaw tight to keep from crying. The queen had not known her own mother's love. But that only had her connecting to the tale deeper for she had longed for Cora's love since before she could remember. However she would rather live on not knowing it than have a taste of it before losing it forever as the mayor had. Ignorance was bliss.
"So you see, I have killed everyone I have ever loved and held dear. Daniel, Robin, Rocinante, Cora, any children I may have had...I nearly lost Henry to a finicky sleeping curse before Emma saved him. It does things to you...things you cannot fix...things that leave ugly scars...the pain never goes away, you simply grow used to it."
"...Whose heart did you use to enact the Dark Curse?" She asked softly and the mayor's face twisted with pain.
"I...I had no one else," she cried softly, her voice adopting a slightly higher pitch before she let out a soft and shaky sob, "these things that I have done, these people I have killed or harmed, I do not truly regret any of them as they have brought me to where I am today...but there are things that I will never forgive myself for. Drinking that potion to spite Cora is one of them."
"And the other?"
She did not want to tell her. She did not want to see the shame in her eyes, the confusion, the hurt, the anger, the disgust. Regina didn't want to see any of it reflected back at her through those dark eyes. When she finally made herself look up she found herself staring at a tear stained face. The queen hadn't made a sound and Regina felt herself crumbling at the tears in the woman's eyes and down her cheeks. No one had ever cried for her before. It touched a place in her heart and kept her tears falling as she answered quietly in absolute misery.
"I killed my father," she whimpered softly and her strength broke and caused her to drop her weight more on one foot than the other as her eyes fell to the countertop. She could handle the shock and disbelief in the young queen's expression but once the confusion and distress started to settle in, she had to look away.
Those words knocked the breath right out of the queen. This woman, this mayor, had been her once. She had been the queen in the Enchanted Forest and she had experienced all of what she had been through herself. She had loved her father just as Regina did and the very idea of killing him made her sick. And yet it seemed eventually she would have killed him just as the mayor had. "How could you do that?" The queen cried quietly with her brow furrowed and the mayor shook her head and pressed her eyes closed, "he never once left your side! He was not the strongest man but he was always there when you needed him! He loved you! He loved you and you killed him!"
"I know what I did!" Regina screamed back as her tears blurred her vision, "I will never forget! I believed I had no other option! I had gone too far to turn back around!"
"But to kill the only person who loved you despite all you had done?!"
"I told you I was a monster," Regina breathed softly with her brow furrowed in pain and heartache while her tears continued to fall.
"I don't understand!" The queen cried desperatley as her posture slumped and the mayor shook her head and tried to hold back her sobs.
"And I hope you never do," Regina replied quietly and after a moment of pause, she left. She walked past the queen and gave her a wide berth just so it was easier to avoid looking her in the eye.
...
David sucked in a deep breath as he leaned against the door and it clicked shut behind him. He had almost gone to Regina's. But he didn't. If he had he would have had to have explained what he was doing there, what had happened between him and Snow, what that kiss had been, what had been said, and he didn't want to do that right then. Perhaps he would tell her tomorrow. Or perhaps in a few days when she would be more accepting of him leaving Snow and felt more prepared to come out in public. He would decide tomorrow.
For now he just let out that deep breath and gave a little smile when he opened his eyes and focused on the rosy bed in front of him. Yes it had been a rough evening but now it would only get better. Now he was free. And that felt amazing.
When he had come in he couldn't help but notice the lack of surprise in both Red and Granny. Granny had even tried a smile and he wondered how long she had known about him and Regina. The wise old wolf must have smelled Regina on him beneath all the soap. Or the air around them when they were together. Red on the other hand couldn't look him in the eye. She had left the moment he walked in the door before he could even say a word. He imagined she was probably halfway to Snow by now.
In conclusion; today had been great, tonight had been awful, and tomorrow would be better. That and Regina were the last things he thought about before sleep claimed him.
...
It had taken a great deal of time for the queen to calm down. She wasn't angry. She had never been angry. What she had felt was confusion and distress over what she had learned herself to be capable of. To know that she was capable of tearing herself apart like that and then purposely kill the one she loved most...it was more than distressing. It was unsettling and disturbing and made her skin crawl. However it also gave her something to avoid becoming.
After she had let herself cry and pace and scream in her own head over what potential darkness sat in her own heart, she finally accepted it. She did not understand it but she accepted it. She herself had come such a long way from the innocent young woman at the manor. It only made sense that in the time between herself and the mayor that she could have become the very image of the Evil Queen the pretty little mayor had once been. Who was she to judge her. Even if she didn't exactly approve, she was in no place to judge her.
She didn't have to look too hard to find her. All she had to do was follow the soft crackling of a fire and found the mayor sitting on the couch with her feet up while she stared blankly in to the flames with her arms wrapped around her legs. The mayor didn't speak a word or offer so much as a glance as the queen joined her on the couch. The queen didn't say anything either for a little while and simply watched the flames with her. But after a few seconds of shared silence, she gently tipped her head and rested it on the mayor's shoulder.
With a soft and relaxed exhale, she sunk herself in so she was comfortable and she felt the woman's jaw clench and unclench upon the crown of her head with her attempts to keep herself from crying. They sat there for a few moments longer with only the sound of the fire before she broke the silence kindly and gently, "I forgive you."
Regina bowed her head with a swallowed cry and closed eyes. She had thought the queen had gone to bed and when she had appeared in her peripheral, Regina still couldn't bring herself to look the woman in the eye. Despite her attempts, a shaky cry was quietly sucked in through her teeth and the queen stayed warm and relaxed against her, "thank you."
She didn't have words to describe how much that forgiveness meant to her. So she leaned her head upon the queen's and cried silently. Regina had always hated herself for who she had become during those dark times. More often than she would like to admit she would look at herself through her younger self's eyes and she hated what she saw. But now she was being accepted and forgiven by that younger woman and she didn't quite know how to cope with that.
When she opened her eyes to look at the fire again, her attention was caught instead by the movement by her legs. The queen had offered her her hand. With a furrow of her brow, Regina slowly and carefully intertwined their fingers and the queen closed her hand around hers and slid her thumb over the back of hers.
"Us baddies need to stick together," the queen teased quietly with a smile and earned herself a quiet laugh from the mayor through her lingering misery.
"I am going to miss you when you go," she confessed softly as new tears fell and the queen hummed in an empathetic reply. "You will make an excellent mother."
The queen leaned her head a little heavier in to the mayor's shoulder and moved her thumb once more over hers as she replied quietly, "if I am just half the mother you are to Henry, I will have more than happy."