N: this thing writes itself. Even Writingsux and i are making each other suffer with what we're doing, but holy crap this story is something we never expected and absolutely love. It still has a happy ending, but it's taking a moment. So read on and enjoy, there is light at the end of the tunnel. For those questioning certain things, all i can say is that when i was 16, i had the communication skills of a shadow. I had the emotional intelligence of a 16 year old in the 90's. Most of this story is actually truly based off human response, real human response, keep that in the back of your mind that being a teenager in the 90's was way different than today. We didn't grow up the second we had a smart phone in our hands, we had to wait for them to be invented.

Also, we chose Laurel because we both love her and again, Kenzi will not be making an appearance. With that read on and enjoy! review!

Laurel slammed the front door close and I continued to stand there. My vision blurry from the tears that still streamed down my face. There were so many things going through my head, so many things that I wanted to deny, but the harsh reality was before me and I wasn't certain if I would be able to handle it.

"Bo..." Laurel said in a soft voice as she placed her hand on my arm. "Are you okay? What do you need?"

I didn't know what I needed. It had all been one last fuck you from Dyson and it had done so much damage. Irreparable damage that I didn't know could be fixed. The last eight years of my life, of my own personal hell, was caused by him and Ted's psychopathic tendencies. I felt a wave of nausea come over me and I ran to the bathroom with Laurel right on my heels. I got to the bathroom and I dropped to my knees then threw up the seat. I dry heaved a few times then rested my forehead on the brim of the bowl as sobs racked through my body.

I cried because of all the shit I had gone through over the last eight years. I cried because of what had happened that dreadful day. I cried because I hadn't known Lauren's love for the last eight years. I cried because I didn't want to be this person crying over Lauren Lewis again. I cried because I was crying and I cried because I was done with crying. After a few minutes I sat back against the wall that was in front of the toilet and I closed my eyes. I could let this all go. I had dealt with this before and I had made my mistakes because of what had happened. But there was something in me that told me that I shouldn't dismiss what Lauren had thrown at me. That this was the second chance I had been dreaming about all these years.

Then the doubt crept in. Lauren had run because of her lack of faith in us and in me. I was riddled with self-doubt, depression, and things that no sane person would ever want to get involved with. I wasn't the same person I had been in high school. I had changed for the worse and for the better but in the end I had changed and there was a chance that Lauren wouldn't like what I had become. Hell I didn't like what I had become most days. I covered my face with my hands and tears seeped from the corners of my eyes. I wanted a drink so bad. Not only it would get rid of the tumultuous emotions that were raging on inside of me, it would also make numb. The one thing I would be comfortable with at the moment. I laid down on the cold, tile floor and I stared at the bottom of the cabinet underneath the sink as I thought about what had just happened.

"….I still love you so much…." I shut my eyes tight as Lauren's words, the words I had longed to hear from the one person who had meant so much to me, resonated through my head. I couldn't deal with that. Not yet. I had so many other things to deal with before I would be able to handle that aspect of what Lauren had said.

I didn't know what to do. I was lost in this weird abyss where Lauren was the center of it all. Laurel sat next to my head on the floor then she lifted it up so she could move her thigh under it. She pressed a phone against my ear and said, "Talk to your mom."

I drew in a shuddering breath then whimpered, "It was all a lie mom."

"I know sweetie. I know." She stated in a soft voice. "Bo you don't have to deal with it all tonight. Have some tea and go to bed. Start fresh in the morning."

It was a good idea but I was afraid of what I would dream about. I was afraid of dreaming about Lauren and that dreadful day or that my dreams would be filled with what could have been. My head was a mess and nothing was going to sort itself out while I was in an emotional and unstable state. I sighed then told her, "Okay."

I heard my mom let out a breath of relief then she said, "Good. Let Laurel help you, Bo." She wasn't able to hide the emotion in her voice as she said, "Call me in the morning please."

"I'm not going to do anything mom." I said in a reassuring tone. "I'm just so exhausted. This entire thing is so exhausting. It has been for the last eight years…" I trailed off and tears laced my words as I said, "I'm so done with it all."

My mom was quiet then she said, "Go to bed sweetheart. I'll talk to you in the morning. I love you."

I wiped at my face and told her, "I love you too mom." I closed my phone and I laid on the floor for another second. I didn't want to sleep alone tonight. I was vulnerable and I felt like I was moments away from shattering into a million pieces. I took a deep breath. "Laurel…." She gave a small hum, "Can you sleep with me tonight?"

"Uh Bo…"

I smiled at little then said, "Not like that. I-I-" I couldn't express what I needed because it was hard for me to admit that I needed another person but I did. Tonight of all nights I needed some comforting from someone else. "I just don't want to be alone."

Laurel ran her hand through my hair as she said, "Sure thing Bo. Let me know when you're ready."

I sat up and the room spun for a moment but then it steadied. An intense crying session while lying on the bathroom floor was probably not the best idea. I gave Laurel a small smile. "I'm ready now."

The two of us got up and I headed into my room while Laurel went through the apartment shutting everything off. I got ready for bed then I went to my closet. I opened the door then reached for the small wooden box that was hidden in some cranny between the shelf in there and the wall. I opened the box and pulled out the two necklaces. I hadn't looked at them in the longest time but I always kept them with me. For what reason I wasn't sure. Maybe to still feel that connection with Lauren, or maybe because they represented the love that we had shared, but tonight I needed them because they represented the past and what she and I were before it all fell apart. I dropped the necklaces into the palm of my left hand then closed it. Laurel walked in with a mug of tea and said, "I know you're not getting any sleep tonight but I would like for you to try."

I took the mug from her and took a sip from it then said, "Thank you. For everything."

Lauren rubbed my upper arm and smiled, "Don't thank me. You know I'd do this for you no matter what Bo."

I smiled at her and said, "Still though…thank you. You've dealt with a lot of my less than stellar moments."

Laurel chuckled then remarked, "I have and you'll pay me back somehow until then I'm happy to do it. So let's get you into bed."

I rolled my eyes in a playful manner but I did head over to the bed. I could barely continue to stand. We got in bed and after we were comfortable and the lights were off I asked, "What would you do Laurel?"

Laurel let out a deep breath and said, "I would say forget her and move on but that's only because of you. In my objective opinion I would say call your therapist, talk to her, and then decide where to go from there." She stopped for a second then stated, "But put yourself first Bo. This is a lot for you and if it causes you to do anything that will bring you harm then you need to step away from it."

I thought about that as I listened to the storm that happened outside. Lauren had been the trigger for everything and now that I had the chance to fix everything that had happened between us I wasn't certain I wanted to. I wasn't sure of what that would help. I tightened the hold that I had on the necklaces that were in my hand and closed my eyes. Tonight was not the night for me to figure anything out. I was going to sleep then I would focus on it when I was in a more stable place.

I walked into Dr. Greenbaum's office on Monday morning and sat in the waiting area after I said hello to her receptionist. My mom had to call to have her move my appointment to an earlier time. I had spent all day Sunday locked in the apartment and lost in my thoughts. I had been able to think about what Lauren had said and I had moved on from being sad and angry to just angry but that was directed towards Dyson and Ted. I had yet to deal with Lauren and what she had revealed to me. When my thoughts would venture to her I would shut them down as soon as they happened. Thinking about Lauren required me to have a good grip on my emotions and currently they were being held together by used tape.

Dr. Greenbaum came out of her office and smiled at me. "Good morning Bo. When you mom called me this morning I have to say that I was a little surprised. We had left things in a good place after our session on Saturday."

We went into her office and after she closed the door I said, "Well all the progress I had made was destroyed less than an hour later." I walked over to the window that looked out at the Boston skyline. "She-who-must-not-be-named and I had an altercation in the university library after I left here."

"Oh." I almost chuckled at the response. Dr. Greenbaum didn't do much talking. She would ask the necessary questions that would get me to talk about the actual matter that was at hand but that was it. My last therapist was a talker which annoyed the hell out of me. "Did you know that she was going to be there?"

I did chuckle at that question. I turned to look at the older woman who was now sitting in the arm chair that was next to the sofa that I loathed. "Yes because I actively look for things and people that cause me torment." I said not bothering to hide my sarcasm.

Dr. Greenbaum smirked and countered, "You've done it before." I scowled at her. "I'm just stating facts."

"Yes well let's stay away from those facts." I turned to look back out the window and I followed a helicopter in the distance for a moment then sighed. "I didn't know that she was going to be there. I went there to focus on my work, not on her. I have no idea how she knew-" I stopped when I remembered that Laurel had told me about her getting stopped by a cop on her way to her latest boyfriend's place. I chuckled and said, "Never mind I know now."

"How did she know where you were going to be?" Dr. Greenbaum asked behind me.

I moved over to the shelf of books that the woman kept in her office and replied, "Tamsin, her best friend, or whatever, stopped Laurel. I'm guessing so she could find out where I went."

"Ah." I heard the sound of Dr. Greenbaum's pen clicking then it stopped before she asked, "And how was the altercation?"

I shrugged and took the book that she had on Victorian architecture down. I began to flip through it as I recounted mine and Lauren's run-in at the library. "She approached me and we talked about what happened Friday night for a moment then it snowballed into a verbal sparring match that was started because she wouldn't leave me alone." I let out a small scoff and commented, "That's one thing that hasn't changed about her. Her tenacity to know things."

"What did she want to know?" Dr. Greenbaum wondered in an attempt to keep me focused on telling her about the altercation.

I turned the page and thought about Saturday. The way Lauren had looked when she started to lay out the false indiscretions that had tormented her for the last eight years had been something that confused me now that I thought about it. I bit my bottom lip as I remembered the pain and hurt in her eyes and I remembered how she tried to hide it with her anger. I didn't notice it at the time because I was too busy trying to get away from her but now, in the safety of my therapists' office, I was able to think about it. I closed the book and as I placed it back I told her, "She wanted to know if I had kissed Dyson as a prank to pull on her for graduation."

"Dyson? Why do I know that name?"

I looked at the woman over my shoulder and said, "Ex-boyfriend and douchebag extraordinaire." Dr. Greenbaum nodded and I looked back at the bookshelf. "It wasn't a prank. I loved her. The love I felt for her was-" I stopped as I tried to describe the indescribable. I wasn't able to. "You know how when people get struck by lightning and the pattern of the strike scars their skin?"

I looked up to see Dr. Greenbaum nod as she said, "You're speaking of Lichtenberg scarring."

I nodded. "Yeah, well, the pattern of Lauren's love had scarred every inch of me and when she left it was like each bit of her that had been etched into my skin was surgically removed. And all that was left behind was the exposed, frail, and sensitive part underneath it."

"You think you're frail?" Dr. Greenbaum asked as I walked over to the sitting area.

I sat in the arm chair that was on the other side of the couch and I looked down at the rug as I thought about the question. I wasn't frail but I wasn't strong either. I had only begun to find my strength over the last few years but now I felt it had been ripped away from me. "No." I answered in a soft voice. I cleared my throat then said, "I don't think I'm frail but I think I am losing myself."

I didn't look up to meet Dr. Greenbaum's gaze. It was hard enough for me to admit what I had. "Why do you think that?"

I looked up at her and said, "Because who I am when I decided to come to Harvard is now clashing with some part of myself that I thought I had left behind and I don't know how to reconcile the two."

Dr. Greenbaum nodded and she asked, "What if it's not a matter of reconciling the two?" I got a confused look on my face and she elaborated. "What if it's more about you facing the past and dealing with it in healthy ways? Because if I remember correctly Bo you've never actually resolved the trigger for your depression because Lauren wasn't-I'm sorry are we calling her by her name or is it still she-who-must-not-be-named?"

I swallowed and said, "The latter. I'm not ready for her to invade this part of me yet."

The older woman nodded in understanding then continued her original train of thought. "Since she was not a constant that you had to face every day I do believe you focused more on treating your depression than confronting the past." The doctor pressed her fingertip to her lips then muttered, "If I pull out your file I'm certain your previous therapist's notes will pinpoint where-"

"We don't need to do that Dr. Greenbaum. I get what you're saying. I repressed my Lauren issues and locked them away hoping never to see them again." Dr. Greenbaum got an expression her face that told me that I wasn't wrong. I sighed then got up to pace. "Yeah well you're not wrong there. If I faced them then I wouldn't have her anymore. She is a piece of me that I am reluctant to let go of because-" I was unable to say the words because then that would open up the main reason why I had repressed my Lauren issues to begin with.

I fell silent and I tried to ignore Dr. Greenbaum's waiting stare. When I didn't say anything she asked, "The altercation at the library, how did that end?"

I chuckled and walked over to the window. "I stormed out of the library. I found out the reason why she had left and it was because of what she had seen."

"Which was?"

"After graduation Dyson had found me in the hall and I showed him an ounce of civility and he took advantage of it." Knowing what I knew now caused my anger to flare. The asshole had only approached me because of this sick and elaborate prank he had devised. "He kissed me and she had seen it."

"Wait, wait, wait." I turned to look at Dr. Greenbaum. "Are you saying that he…"

She trailed off and I nodded. "Yes the asshole came up with a convoluted plan so that Lauren and I would break up. Lauren saw me kissing Dyson and Ted came over to my house to say that she had left me for Tamsin." I turned around to stare out the window for a moment. "You have to admire his dedication about not letting me go." I sighed then said, "And instead of her asking me about it she let her insecurities rule her decisions so she left."

"But why didn't you go after her if you loved her like you said you did?"

"I did love her." I snapped. I was getting irritated with people questioning the level of love that I had for Lauren when we were younger. "I loved her more than anything and I would have done anything for her but she didn't believe in me or my love for her. So I'm not the only one to blame here."

"I'm not blaming you Bo. I'm asking you what stopped you from going after her?"

I gestured in the air and answered, "Ted. Dyson's lackey. He came to my house and told me that Lauren had called me a dumb cheerleader and had left with Tamsin because she understood her."

"Ah." There was a beat of silence then she said, "Lauren wasn't the only one who was ruled by her insecurities."

I walked over to the couch and laid down on it. I hated the couch because the couch meant revealing more and being more vulnerable but that's where that conversation was going. I held the throw pillow against my chest and said, "Well, when that's what you're seen as for four years then you tell me how much self-confidence you have."

"I feel I don't need to tell you this Bo, but I'm going to anyway. You're not a dumb cheerleader. You're an intelligent, young woman. For god's sake you're at Harvard Law. That isn't an easy program to get into and you did it all while battling some pretty damn vicious demons. You're not the dumb cheerleader." Dr. Greenbaum said and the earnest tone in her voice had me believing it. Even for a brief moment. "You know what you need to do?" I turned my head to look at her and she smiled at me. "You need to talk to her."

I scoffed and got comfortable on the couch as I said, "Oh now I know you've been dipping into the prescription pad. I'm not talking to her."

"Why won't you talk to her? If you talk to her then you can clear up this misunderstanding between the two of you then you'll be able to move on in a healthy way Bo."

I looked at the painting that was on the other side of the office. If I talked to Lauren then that would open us up to addressing the feelings that she had revealed on Saturday night and I wasn't ready to do that. I wasn't ready to confront anything in regards to Lauren. I drew in a deep breath then replied in a soft voice, "She still loves me."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

There was a moment of silence, a long moment of silence, and all that could be heard was the ticking of the clock that was on the wall behind Dr. Greenbaum's desk. "Do you still love her?"

"No." I stated with no hesitation as I sat up. I frowned a little. That didn't feel like an honest answer so I backtracked, "I mean I don't know. It's like you said I repressed my Lauren issues and this includes feelings. I don't know how to feel about her. She has caused so much-"

"Which wasn't her fault."

"It may not have been her fault but the way she responded is her fault. " I took out my hair tie to let my hair out of its ponytail then I ran my hand through it. "And I'm not who I was. We both know that."

"I know." Dr. Greenbaum said as she nodded.

I got up and paced, "So it's like I said, I don't know how to feel about her and I for damn sure don't know about any remnant feelings I may have for her."

Dr. Greenbaum looked at me and said, "Okay. But I really do think you should talk to her Bo." I scoffed. "On a surface level this can be the thing that will help you to move on. You confront your past, get resolution, and then you move on. And isn't that what you want the most?"

I walked over to the window and stared out of it. I wanted my life back. To be who I had become before I had come to Harvard. If that meant confronting Lauren to get back to that then that would be something that I would have think about. But I wasn't certain if I was ready for that because that would mean dealing with the hurt and pain that she had caused. I also didn't know what that would leave me with once I did get my resolution. I rested the side of my head on the wall next to window and whispered, "I don't know."

After my appointment I walked to a small coffee shop that was around the corner from the building that house Dr. Greenbaum's office. I ordered a green tea then I found a comfortable chair that was settled in the corner and near a window. The rest of my appointment had moved from Lauren and focused on me and making sure that I didn't neglect my mental health. That was one thing that was being drilled into my brain. Not to let this situation with Lauren have an adverse effect on me. I took a sip of my tea as I watched the people walk by.

She wasn't going to have any adverse effect on me but she was going to occupy my head until I figured out what I was going to do. I thought about what Dr. Greenbaum had said about talking to Lauren and she was right. It would do me some good but it would be a process for me emotionally. I drew in a deep breath then decided that maybe it was time to summon some of the strength I had found to come to Harvard. I got up and left the coffee shop then I headed for the parking garage that I had parked my car at. I didn't think about where I was driving because if I did then I would lose my nerve and never get the closure that I desperately needed. I parked my Camaro then I took a moment before I got out of it. I ignored the looks that were directed at me as I walked up the sidewalk and in the building. I went up to the man behind the administration desk and said, "I would like to speak to Officer Mikkelsen."

An aggravated look came across the man's face even though he looked thoroughly irritated to begin with. He pointed to a bench and said with a grunt, "Have a seat."

I got an apprehensive look on my face as I started to think that the man wouldn't call Tamsin. I opted to stand next to the bench because the other occupant looked like someone who smelled like booze and considering it was eleven in the morning that said a lot. Especially from me. I decided to wait five minutes and if Tamsin didn't show up I was going to leave and forget the whole thing. It was too stressful and my life was already stressful enough. I looked at my watch and when I saw that six minutes had passed I started for the door. I had almost reached it when I heard Tamsin's loud ass yell, "Dennis wait."

I turned around to look at her and remarked, "It's about time."

She shrugged and said, "I was busy." We stood there in the crowded lobby of the police department and neither of us looked comfortable. Tamsin gestured to the left with her head. "Let's go somewhere we can talk." I nodded and followed her. We went down hall then went into a small conference room. After the door closed she asked, "What are you doing here Bo?"

I walked over to the other side of the room to give myself some space. Being near Tamsin stirred a number of emotions and being in an enclosed small room with her had me on edge. I looked at her then at the door. I looked back at her and asked, "Can you open the door?" She got a weird look on her face and opened the door. The noise filtered in and I relaxed a little. I took a deep breath then said, "I need to talk to Lauren."

Tamsin got a small smile on her face and said, "That's great. She has been wearing through the carpet at our place and eating all my food. It's driving me fucking insane."

I was confused by Tamsin's reaction. I thought-"Why are you so excited for me to talk to her?"

Tamins rolled her eyes then stated, "Because she is in love with you."

"I know." I said as I looked away from her. I glanced at her and it took all the courage I had to ask my next question. "You-you two aren't-"

Tamsin laughed and after she caught her breath she shook her head. "God no. It's so weird that you think that. Lauren and I are more like irritating siblings at this time. And not those siblings from that weird Foldger's Christmas commercial." Seeing that Tamsin was as weird and blunt as ever gave me some weird comfort. Or maybe it was the fact that she had told me that her and Lauren aren't together. She walked over to the table that was in the room then leaned against it. "I'll be honest that she did try to but she was hurting Bo. All this has been such a mess for her."

I wanted to tell her that it had been a mess for me too but I held my tongue. That wasn't the reason why I was here. "I want us to clear things up. Where is she?"

Tamsin looked at me then sighed. "She's at home. She's been talking about leaving and I've done the best I could to try to get her to think but I think you talking to her might be the nail in the coffin."

Great. Pressure that I didn't need. I still had no idea what I was going to say to Lauren. I bit my bottom lip then asked, "Can I get the address?"

Tamsin nodded and she took out a small notebook from her front pocket and as she wrote it down she smirked. "Look at you being the strong, silent type. I never thought I would see the day when you would be the stoic type."

"I'm not." I said in a low voice.

"Huh?" Tamsin said as she ripped out the piece of paper and handed it to me.

I took it from her and said, "I'm not." I held up the piece of paper. "Thanks for this."

I started for the door and Tamsin said, "Bo before you go I have to say that I'm sorry. I should have forced her to stay instead of jumping the gun like I had." She scratched the top of her head. "I saw you two. You were the type of love that I still dream about. Even though I wanted to be the big badass I was glad that you made her happy. She loves you Bo and I don't know what you're planning to say but think about that. She loved you despite her heartbreak and despite eight years of being away from you she still loves you. So that has to mean something right?"

I bit the inside of my lip as I let Tamsin's words settle in my brain. She was right it had to of meant something but what that was I wasn't sure of. Tears came to my eyes as I said, "Maybe a long time about but now I have to love myself and do what's right for me."

"What does that mean?" Tamsin asked as she stood up straight and crossed her arms over her chest.

I recognized the defensive pose and I wasn't going to let it intimidate me. "Always protective of her even when she isn't here." I looked down at the piece of paper in my hand then back at Tamsin. "This is between us and how this goes is between us. You can't always protect her Tamsin."

"But I'll do my damnedest to make sure that she doesn't get hurt the way she has been."

I let out deep breath then before I turned to walk out of the room I told her, "She may have known pain but she had you."

Tamsin's eyebrow scrunched together and she said, "Again, what does that mean?"

I held up the piece of paper she had given me. "Thanks again for this." I walked out of the conference room and left the police station. As I walked back to my car I thought about what Tamsin had said. Lauren may have loved me through her pain and while we were separated but that didn't mean anything. I loved her for so long after everything had happened and I loved her while I let others touch me in ways I wanted her to touch me. I loved her as I drank bottle after bottle of liquor to try and rid myself of my love her. But it remained through it all. Love meant nothing and everything when it came to Lauren and me.

I left the police station and I drove to the address that Tamsin had given me. I parked down the street and watched the brownstone in my rearview mirror as I tried to settle my nerves. I closed my eyes and repeated to myself over and over that I was doing this because I needed closure, that as soon as I had that then I would be able to move on. I drew in a several deep breaths then I got out of the car. I walked to the house and I stood on the stoop for several minutes, staring at the door, then without thinking I pressed the button for the doorbell.

I heard it chime throughout the house then I heard footsteps approaching. My heart began to race and my palms got sweaty. I felt like I was going to run away, throw up, and pass out all at the same time. The door didn't open for the longest moment and I didn't hear the footsteps anymore. I started to think that maybe Lauren didn't want to talk to me so I turned around and began to make my way down the steps. I turned around when the door swung open and Lauren called out, "Bo wait."

I stared at her and she stared back at me. We stood there looking at each other. Lauren had her arms wrapped around herself and I stood there with my hands in my pockets. Just standing here looking at her was hard to do. Lauren looked as tired and exhausted as I did. She looked lost and uncertain and that woke something up inside of me which gave me a boost of courage. I went up to the next step and I said, "Hey."

"Hey."

It was a start. I leaned against the rail and looked at her then down at the ground. I kicked at the ground with the toe of my sneaker and commented, "Nice house."

"Yeah Tamsin's dad helped us out with it." I looked up and I saw Lauren push up the glasses that she was wearing. They weren't the thick rimmed ones that she had worn in high school but the gesture caused my heart to flutter but I wrote it off as a residual response.

I stood up straight and forced a smile on my face. "If you're busy then I can go."

"We both know that I'm not busy Bo." She sighed then said, "I assume you're here to talk." I nodded and she moved out of the way so I could come in. "Let's talk then."

We went in and I followed her into the living room and when I was sitting on the edge of the love seat that was across from the couch I told her, "I just wanted to let you know that the way that everything had happened was messed up and I'm sorry that it happened the way that it did."

"Oh." I saw that surprised look on her face. I don't know what she expected but I wasn't going to go somewhere that I wasn't ready to. "I'm sorry too. I should have-I…" She trailed off then sighed. "I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions."

I nodded and replied, "I shouldn't have either." I scoffed then remarked, "I should have known better than to listen to Ted but…" I didn't finish the sentence. I blew out a breath then said, "I just, I just wanted to let you know that I was sorry and that there weren't any hard feelings." The stunned look reappeared on her face and I couldn't stop myself from asking, "What were you expecting Lauren?"

She shrugged and said, "I don't know I was thinking that we would actually talk."

"We are talking." I countered.

Lauren let out a small chuckle then remarked, "This isn't talking. This is being polite." She stopped and looked at me but I looked away. "I tell you that I'm still in love you and you come over here for what? Common courtesy?"

I nodded and told her, "I wanted to let you know that there were no hard feelings and that I don't blame you anymore."

"Well that's just fucking great Bo but I have a lot of things I want to say to you. Things I need to say to you. I have been through so much in the last eight-"

"You have been through so much?" I said cutting her off. I was sick of hearing about how much she had been through. I was still going through shit because of what her leaving me had triggered. I narrowed my eyes at her and stated, "Lauren I am still going through shit because of what happened. For the last eight years I have fought depression, alcoholism, and so much other shit that you probably wouldn't be able to fathom it. So shut the hell up about what you have been through. I've dealt with my shit, or I'm dealing with my shit, so you need to learn to deal with yours." Lauren gaped at me and I let out all the emotion that I had been repressing for the last eight years. "I loved you Lauren. I loved you so much and you leaving without so much as a 'fuck you' destroyed me. I lost myself and I had no one. I fucked anyone and drank everything. I was so desperate to stop feeling the hurt, the pain and the love that I fucking did everything just so I wouldn't feel any of it."

At some point tears began to fall but that didn't stop me. "Do you know what it feels like to hit rock bottom Lauren? Because I'm certain I've been there a time or two. I have felt worthless because I believed that I was just some dumb cheerleader and sometimes I still feel that way. Do you see how fucked I am? And if you really knew the depths of how fucking screwed up I am you wouldn't be telling me that you love me. There is no way anyone would love someone like me. I'm surprised you did in high school."

I got up and wiped at my eyes as I managed to get a grip on my emotions. I let out a small, self-deprecating laugh then remarked, "You got self-confidence and I got this shit show. Awesome. I've got to go. I just wanted some closure and I guess I've gotten it." I started for the door and I didn't bother to look at Lauren. I didn't need to see the pity on her face. That was the last thing that I needed from her.

XXXX

I heard everything Bo said clear as day, every single syllable of every painful revelation she tearfully spewed out. So much of what she said choked my heart and I honestly felt it stop beating for a few moments as she threw out heavy words as depression, alcoholism, careless sex and being in the pit of despair. But none of that struck a harder cord and made my anger flare like hearing, 'I was just some dumb cheerleader, no way anyone would love someone like me.'

I loved her. I still loved her.

I blinked back the unshed tears in enough time to see Bo start towards the door, I swallowed and shouted, "You are not dumb, Bo. Stop saying it!" I watched her jumped at how loud I was, "Stop fucking saying it over and over. You are not, and have never been dumb and it infuriates me when you continue to say it and use it as a reason!"

Bo spun around, glaring at me, shouting back, "A reason? Really? Just like you felt my love for you wasn't real because you were a nerd, waiting for me to run away in horror. Your biggest insecurity and your biggest fucking reason for running without questioning anything." She huffed, "This is completely pointless." She turned, reaching for the door knob to open the front door a few inches. "We're just talking in circles."

I took a few steps towards her, and slammed my palm against the door, shutting it. Bo flinched again when she saw I was inches away from her. "Stop it Bo, stop and let me finish." I took in a huge breath, "What I was going to say when you cut me off, is this I've been through so much in the last eight years but I see now it compares little to what you've gone through, what I put you through." I clenched my jaw, the anger towards myself for believing the those to assholes raging forth. "You had no one, you left all of your friends for me. To be with me, to be in love with me and that took an immense amount of courage to do that. I recognize that now, like I did then, but now I've grown confidence to say it out loud."

Bo grabbed onto the pause I took to take a breath, "This doesn't matter, Lauren. You can sit here all day and talk, but I know you're only doing it so that when you run again, you'll feel better. You'll heal after saying your piece." She half yelled at me with tears pooling in her eyes, her voice rising in pure anger, "Tamsin told me that you're fleeing again." Bo huffed, reaching for the door again, "So predictable, running from your emotions."

I pushed all of my weight against the door and bent my head down to make eye contact, enacting a hard tone to match hers, to gain Bo's full attention, "Yes, I am leaving. Leaving law school, I'm dropping out after midterms and attending the Boston Police Academy. You know why? So you can have the peace to carry on with your dream without me haunting you around every corner. I'm done running, I'm staying her because my family is here, and you, my heart is here. But I seeing the pain I caused and continue to cause, I need to let you breathe and live out your dream you've worked so fucking hard for."

I waited until she looked at me with painful confusion, "You're not a dumb cheerleader, a dumb cheerleader would not be sitting in Harvard Law School taking on the course load you are. A dumb cheerleader would not have graduated NYU with top honors, a dumb cheerleader would not be this tough, this strong to go through what you have and stand tall. Fix the shit I piled on you, pile on you every day you have to walk into Keating's class and see me. I struggle not helping you, because I see the frustration of you doubting yourself creep in. That's why I hid the notecards and started a brawl, I can't not help you, you're my favorite weakness."

I bent my head down to look away from the shimmering brown eyes that would make me fall apart if I continued staring in them. The more she cried the more I saw the world I had lost, "You're a brilliant woman who saw something in me and gave me this." I reached up with a shaky hand and pressed it against tentatively against her chest over her heart, "Love. Something no one ever gave me, and will never give me." My jaw twitched at how warm Bo still was to the touch and quickly her heart was beating. Giving me the tiniest amount of hope that I could get through to her, shed some light on the darkness.

The sensation didn't last long, Bo took a large step back, whispering "Don't, Lauren."

I dropped my hand away, looking back up at her, "I can't go back in time, fix the mistakes I made. The mistrust I laid on you, the lies, and my childish inability to understand love like I think I do now." I cringed as a tear rolled down my cheek, "To know you suffered like you did and felt alone, empty, and worthless. Destroys me, because I always loved you even when I thought I hated you. My heart was with you, everywhere you went. You had it. You still have it." I rasped the last few words out.

I stopped, feeling a sob slid up my throat, when Bo shook her head. Tears fully rolling down her face, "It's just all words, Lauren. It was your actions that hurt me the most. You ran, you didn't trust me. You ran out of my life thinking I had treated you like you were just a stop on the road to whatever you thought I was going to." She cleared her throat, her cheeks turning pink as the anger returned, "Your actions, Lauren. They've always spoken volumes…it was what made me fall in love with you, still feel lo…" Something flickered across her eyes and Bo stopped herself, shaking her head furiously as she stepped closer, "Please let me go."

I felt my heart lurch at the tiny flicker and I acted, I removed my hand from the door and took the one step left between us and grabbed Bo gently on both sides of the face and kissed her.

She was right, I had always relied on my mind and logic to express my feelings. Her biggest frustration about me, that I could never just act and do something to give her and us confidence that we were on the right path as life ignorant teenagers. I kissed her gently, pushing hard against her mouth, attempting to pour everything I had said and more into this one and probably last kiss. I squeezed my eyes shut at the way her lips were still as soft and warm as the last time I kissed her on the stage at graduation. I instantly regretted every day of the last eight years I didn't have Bo, her kisses, her warmth.

Bo's hands grabbed my wrists out of shock, clutching them but in a second of kissing her I felt her respond ever so slightly. Her hands relaxing a moment and almost pulling me deeper into her. She broke off the kiss, panting out my name as she slowly removed my hands away from her face, "Lauren…." Her voice was soft but still angry.

I leaned forward, our foreheads almost touching, "I know you may not love me anymore, but I love you, Bo Dennis and I will always love you. You were my first true love and you will be my last." I swallowed the lump in my throat down and dropped my hands away from her face and stepped away like an anvil had been dropped between us. The look on her face confused me and I feared I done a shit ton more irreparable damage.

Bo stared at me with shocked wide eyes, reaching up to run a hand over her lips she furrowed her brow and rushed to the front door, ripping it open she looked over her shoulder at me, her chest heaving as she said, "I…I love you…but…" Bo looked down at the wooden floors, "I'm not sure if I'm capable of loving you without hurting you, Lauren." Her big brown eye met mine and I saw the flurry of emotions and demons she had been cradling for eight years, swim like an ocean tempest.

She turned her back to me, whispering out harshly, "I need to leave."

Bo ran out the front door, letting it slam behind her.

I let out a heavy breath, covering my mouth to keep the sobs silent. I feared, from the bottom of my gut, I had just made things that much worse.