N: this is a quick one. but it gets us somewhere! leave reviews and things!

I ran from the brownstone. Tears ran down my face as freely as the torrential downpour of thoughts and emotions that had been unleashed from my confrontation with Lauren. I got in my car and after I had slammed the door close I began to pound the steering wheel as I shouted, "Fucking, goddammit, fucking, shit." I rested my head on the steering wheel and I continued to cry. I had to get out of here. I had to get out of this city and most of all I had to get away from Lauren. Far away from her.

I started up my car and I began to drive. I was on auto-pilot but my brain was running a mile a minute. Lauren had kissed me. I had almost kissed her back. I had let loose everything on her and she had unleashed everything on me. Then the one thing that I had buried so damn deep, that I almost for a moment believed it was gone, broke to the surface and came falling from my lips. I had almost said it in my session with Dr. Greenbaum earlier but I had felt it the moment she saved me from that asshole on Friday night and I had felt it every day I saw her in class. I still loved Lauren Lewis with every fiber of my being and it hurt. It hurt because she was happy without me. It hurt because I knew she was better off without me and it hurt because I knew I would never have her again. Slowly over the last month it chipped way everything I had worked for and I was back in the same place I was all those years ago.

But now after everything that had just happened I didn't want to fix myself. I didn't want to feel the love I felt for Lauren. I didn't want to know her love. It was too painful. Everything about us was too painful. The further I drove away from the city the darker my thoughts became. I knew I wasn't going to come back from this. A part of me wanted to fight it but the other part of me, a larger part of me, had given up. No matter how hard I tried I would never stop loving Lauren. That was the cold hard truth and I hated it. The more miles I traveled the number I became and my determination to end my personal torment grew.

XXXX

Moving around my room, more like pacing around my room, I couldn't stop my mind from racing. It had been at least an hour since Bo left and after going through a tumultuous amount of emotions, I went upstairs to bury myself in schoolwork. The one thing that I could latch onto as a strong foundation when the world slipped off its axis.

I was stupid for doing what I did, touching Bo, kissing her and hoping. Hoping that she would have broken and just stayed. I barely even registered that she said the three words I had missed over the years. Three such powerful words that started wars, turned religion on it's side in its many meanings, and should have been powerful enough to heal the sick feeling I had. Shit I wasn't even sure if she was directing it my way, her eyes were so tear filled I only saw dirty brown puddles of fear.

But it was what followed her saying that she wasn't sure she was capable of loving me without hurting me. It made me angry and scared the shit out of me what it could me. I wasn't a professional of the mind, but I had a few appointments with a therapist and worked with a few psychologist's to reaffirm that Bo's dark places might be something deeper and darker than I could get through.

I stopped pacing, hung my head down and closed my eyes, "Why had I been so stupid? So afraid of the fairytale?" I squeezed my eyes shut as tears pricked at the edges. I grit my teeth and looked up, and out of nowhere I just started screaming. Screaming out the pent up everything the last few days and weeks had been boiling up and I let it out. Screaming with my arms pressing against my chest, forcing more from my lungs.

When I was done, and most of the neighborhood dogs barked or howled in acknowledgement, I stumbled to my bed and fell onto the pillow. I smashed my face into it, trying to find a balance in this moment to move forward on. I was twenty four years old but felt as dumb about loving Bo as I did at sixteen.

I loved her, I told her I loved her and told her all the things I should have when I was sixteen and every day after. But she walked away, she couldn't do this. Couldn't break through all of the pain and hate triggered by a couple of assholes and a very young and immature me.

I didn't lie when I said she was my first and my last love, I would never want to love anyone like her and maybe that was why I chose the police academy. To fill my days up with helping others so I wouldn't have to worry about finding love.

"Lewis! Why is old man crotchety next door calling the cops? Said something about a dying cow in the upstairs?" Tamsin blew through the bedroom door in her full uniform. She had a weird panicked look on her face. "Are you dying or doing some weird fucked up sacrifice?"

I shook my head and rolled over to full look at her, "Bo was here, we talked. She left after telling me she wasn't sure…"I shrugged, pulling my glasses down from being smashed against my face. "I think it's finally done."

Tamsin blew out a breath and rushed to my closet, throwing clothes at my head. "It's not. I got a call from Momma Lewis by proxy of Momma Dennis." She cocked and eyebrow as she whipped clean jeans my way, "Did you know the moms have combined forces and joined operation best man? Anyways, you've got to go. We've got to go." She hurried around the room, reaching the cork board and yanking down the picture of Bo and I.

I scowled, "What are you doing? And where are we going?"

Tamsin shoved the picture in her front uniform pocket, "We're going home." She nodded at me, "Take a quick shower and get in my car. I took a few days off under emergency family leave."

I stood up quickly, letting the thrown clothes slip to the floor, "I don't like those words, what's happened?" My stomach lurched and my heart skipped.

Tamsin sighed heavily, "Bo went home, did or is about to do something really stupid and her mom called your mom to call me since you never answer your fucking cell phone." She clenched her jaw, "We're going home because Bo's mom is scared shitless and honestly truly believes you are the only one who can get through to Bo now." Tamsin stepped closer to me, "Whatever you did, it broke her. Broke through to her and now she's relapsing." The blonde tilted her head down to avoid me seeing the tears well up, "We have to do something, I'm partly to blame and since you're my family, that has always made Bo a part of that family. And I'll do whatever it takes…to stop her…" Tamsin trailed off.

Her trailing off scared the living shit out of me. I ran to the bathroom, tearing off my clothes, "Five minutes is all I need. Then you drive as fast as you fucking can."

"Why do you think I kept the uniform on." Tamsin ran out of my bedroom to hers to grab whatever she thought we would need.

I flung myself under the tepid water as my heart beat and the need to run grew stronger and stronger. But this time it was towards Bo not away from her.

xXxXxX

There was a light breeze blowing and it chilled the tear tracks that stained my face. I had stopped crying minutes ago but my face was damp. There was a warmth radiating throughout my body as the alcohol from the bourbon I was drinking made its way through my bloodstream and effected my central nervous system. I took another drink from the bottle that I had picked up on my way through town. It was some brand that I probably paid way too much for. When I bought it the clerk seemed apprehensive to give it to me considering I probably looked like shit. I had driven home and at first I was going to go to my parents' house but on my drive to Rhode Island my mom kept calling me so that had gotten rid of that option. I was now sitting on the hill that overlooked the town. The hill that held so many memories. Memories that I hadn't thought about in years and looking at the town I had grown up in caused me to think about things I could have sworn I had forgotten.

My parents separation. Their eventual reunion. The death of my grandfather. It was as if a floodgate had been opened and I couldn't close it. Every miserable thing that I had ever been through was crashing down on me and I wanted it to stop. My mom wouldn't have to worry about me. Lauren would be free to do whatever she wanted. Laurel wouldn't have to keep taking care of me. I wouldn't be a burden no longer. I brought the bottle up to my lips again and took a long pull from it. It was a big bottle and what I hoped to find at the end of it I wasn't sure but all I knew was that I wanted peace.

"So this is how you plan to break me into a million pieces Bo Dennis? By drinking yourself to death?"

The tears in her voice wasn't something I missed but I chose to ignore them though my heart ached for me to stop them. I took another long drink from the bottle and asked, "Would it be a bad thing?" I took another drink. "I wouldn't be this shit show and you would be able to have the life you wanted."

I heard Lauren's quick steps in the grass then she snatched the bottle of bourbon out of my hand and her voice was hard and angry as she said, "The life I wanted had you in it. This is far from what I wanted." I watched as she poured the liquor out of the bottle. "We can still have the life we want Bo but in order to have that you need to be alive." Her voice trembled as she said, "And I can't live in world without you in it."

I brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs before I rested my forehead on my knees. The tears began to fall again and I forced out a breath then I mumbled, "There is no life with me Lauren. All there is, is my shit and the hell that my life has become. You're too good for this and I don't want you to have to deal with this."

"You don't get to decide what is right for me Bo." Lauren snapped. She was quiet for a moment then she continued, "I'm willing to deal with everything that you're going through Bo but you have to let me in." She sighed. "I failed you once by running away and not having faith in what we had, you, and our love but I'm not going to do it again. I love you Bo and I refuse to let you be swallowed up by whatever darkness that is inside of you."

I sniffed then lifted my head and began to shake it as I said through my tears, "Stop. Stop. Just stop." I stood up and I lost my balance but I managed to fall back on the tree I had been sitting under and I started to cry harder. "You can't love me. There is nothing left of me to love. The person who you loved isn't here anymore Lauren don't you see that? I'm nothing. I've always been nothing."

I closed my eyes and surrendered myself to the sobs that racked through my body. It was true I was nothing. The only time I had been something had been when I was with Lauren. Sure I had managed to create some semblance of being a functioning person but there was a hole in my soul. A gaping hole that was going to destroy me. I took several shuddering breaths then said, "You were the only good in my life Lauren I had ruined that. You may have left but I let my insecurities eat at me and then I started to hate myself. I hated who I had become and who I continued to be because I had lost myself. But no matter how much I lost or hated myself I still loved you. And that only added to everything because I knew you wouldn't love me. Not after all this." I let my head fall back against the tree and squeezed my eyes shut as I whispered. "I didn't want to hurt you."

Lauren took hold of the sides of my face and brought my head down but I kept my eyes closed. "Look at me Bo." I kept my eyes close. I couldn't look at her. I didn't want to see the pity or the guilt in her eyes. I didn't deserve it. I had ruined everything and she should have just let me go. "Goddammit Bo look at me." I drew in an unsteady breath then let my eyes open. The look in Lauren's eyes was a wild, desperate one and I felt guilty for putting it there. "You will not hurt me." She stated with determination. "The only way you will hurt me is if you continue on this path that you're on." Tears began to fall from her eyes, "We've both made mistakes and we'll talk about them but what matters now is you and-" Her voice broke and she pressed her forehead to mine then whispered, "Please don't leave me. I love you so damn much."

My hands shook as I brought them up and place them on the sides of Lauren's neck. I shut my eyes and whispered, "I love you too." Then I moved to place a soft kiss on her lips. I knew it wasn't an instant fix but in that moment there was no darkness. No torment. And no terrible past. There was just me, the woman I loved and our love for each other.

XXxxx

"What do you think Tamsin?" I sat on the back porch, clutching a cup of coffee.

She huffed, running a hand through her messy hair, "I think that she's going to have a hell of a hangover and then I really think you're need to corner her and talk."

I shrugged, "Do you think what she said was the truth? That I finally got through to her?" I looked up at the old maple tree.

Tamsin grabbed my cup, taking a huge sip of it, "Bourbon is a great truth serum, so yes. I think Bo meant exactly what she said, remembering it. Eh that will be the guess of the century. The way her breath smelled when we put her to bed, I would say she was at a .12. Drunk as a fish." She gave me a half smile, "That bourbon was top shelf, the same shit my dad buys for his VP's at bonus time." She then yawned, curling her legs up underneath her. She was wearing her beat up Boston Celtic sweatpants with the one X-files shirt I honestly wished she would give in and burn. There were only two blue eyes left on the shirt, the rest faded out from washings and over wearing.

Frowning I looked up at my bedroom window at my parent's house. It was the closest place to go to get Bo safe and in the process of getting sobered up. I had Tamsin sit down the road and walked up to our spot. The one place I knew Bo would go after her mom mentioned something about Bo going to the only place where she could be herself and not the dumb cheerleader.

Yes, it was a huge hunch on my part, but running up the small hill and finding her red Camaro parked at a weird angle, I hoped I had made it in time. Finding Bo sitting against the tree where we would sit, talk, and shared our very first real kiss, slamming down the bourbon like it was Kool-Aid. It killed me and it was very hard not to be angry with her and her sense of hopelessness. I fought not to cry in front of her, realizing that Bo needed someone stronger than herself to be there for her and pull her from the depths. That's where I called upon the anger, used it against her and for her.

I had a hard fight in front of me, Bo was beyond hammered and it did make me question if her kiss was real and if her saying I love you was real. Not just boozed soaked wishes that would be hidden under sober steel walls.

"Lauren, honey? Bo is starting to wake up. Mrs. Dennis and I are going to take Tamsin to breakfast and talk a bit more." My mom poked her head out the back door, smiling at me tiredly. She had helped me last night get Bo stable. Taking turns as the brunette threw up from the amount of bourbon she filled her stomach with. Tamsin would also alternate when Bo's mom arrived. Our parents had united together in this operation Tamsin started. All of us seeing how stupid we all had been and leaving Bo, of all people, to fend for herself. The dads had done their part but my dad was in Seattle at a conference and Bo's dad was over in France at a design show. Both men had expressed their own regret and promises to right their own wrongs.

I stood up, brushing bits of leaves from my sweatpants, "Thanks mom." I grabbed Tamsin's hand as she almost fell scrambling to get up at the first sounds of free breakfast hitting her ears.

Tamsin grinned sheepishly, "I can't help it, I haven't eaten since that half dozen I slammed in the car on the way here." She squeezed my hand, "I'm close to hangry and we know how dangerous that is."

I poked her lightly, shoving her towards the open door, "I know. Bring us back something? I know Bo will need something greasy."

My best friend nodded and suddenly grabbed me in a crushing embrace. "I love you Lewis. I'm proud of the woman you've become over the last few days." She leaned back, smiling, "Now go get your girl."

I bent my head down, shrugging and nodding, "Thanks." I whispered the simple word out, but the weight was there.

I was let go of when my mom hollered for Tamsin to get her ass in the car before the bacon boat left shore without her.

Draining the rest of the black coffee, I stepped into the kitchen to refill the cup and grab one for Bo with a couple bottles of water. As I climbed the stairs, I had a strange flashback of doing this exact thing when we were studying late to get Bo ready for her SAT re-takes. A night that lead us to other things on the bed.

I ran a hand through my hair, stopping to push up my glasses. I knew there was a hell of a mountain to climb ahead of us, if Bo woke up wanted me. Wanted us.

After calming my nerves, I quietly opened the door to my childhood bedroom. My parents had left it close to as I had it when I left for Stanford, but it was less science ridden. The posters that covered the wall were taken down, replaced by Stanford pennants and pictures of my family on trips out to the west coast over the years. I still had a tremendous amount of books in the room, now intermingled with my parent's home literature.

The only thing that made me cringe in the room was the full sized bed that still had my Star Wars sheets on them. I would have to ask my mom later why she didn't update or throw those out.

I moved quietly to the desk chair I had set next to the mattress to watch over Bo after we had her settled in. Bo was still sleeping, but not as heavily as she had been after throwing up tremendously. Her face was less flushed and she was breathing easier. Her hair was still up in a ponytail and she wore one of my old X-files shirts.

In another moment, this image of Bo in my bed would have been a coveted daydream. It was real now but it still worried me what was to come next.

I set the hot cup of coffee on the side table next to a couple of waters and went to the bathroom to find some extra towels to take a shower. I wanted Bo to sleep a little more, she needed the rest to rid her body of the alcohol and I knew the constant emotional roller coaster we had been on, had worn her ragged.

While digging in the bathroom cabinet for shampoo, I heard a quiet cough followed by a large groan that only came from having the biggest of hangovers one could have. I stepped out of the bathroom to find Bo sitting up, looking at the x-wing fighters, light-sabers and princess Leia staring up at her. She had a confused look on her face as she ran a trembling hand through her hair.

I smiled softly, and moved to the side where I had sat, "Good morning." I picked up the coffee cup, "Did you want coffee or water?"

Bo spun her head around, squinting to focus on me. "Um, water." Her voice was thick and raspy.

I opened the bottle and handed it to her, holding onto it as she tried to get her hands steady. After taking a few sips she looked at me, "Why I am in a bed covered in Star War sheets? And why are you…" She paused, moving to look at the bottle where our hands touched barely.

I dropped my hands away, tucking them deep in the front pockets of my Harvard hoody. "You're at my parent's house. In my old bed." I shrugged, smiling, "That's why the Star Wars sheets." I sighed, "As for the why I'm here." I paused, trying to find the gentlest of ways to ask, but opted for the other route. "What do you remember from yesterday, Bo?" I asked slowly, already fearing the answer.

Bo kept her gaze on the water bottle, clearing her throat and wincing from the headache it caused. "You. I remember going to your house, talking. You…kissed me…and I ran. I ran home and found the biggest bottle to drown myself in." She frowned, her jaw twitching.

It was a few seconds of silence before I nodded and went to stand up. "I can call your mom and tell her that you're awake. She'll be back in a little bit. She went to breakfast with my mom and Tamsin." I reached for my cup of coffee, "I'll be downstairs if you need me."

"I remember you walking up on our spot, grabbing the bottle out of my hands and yelling at me the same old things we've been talking around and around about." Bo sniffled, a few tears finding its way down her cheeks. She paused again, then looked up at me her brown eyes meeting mine with a strange clarity that I didn't expect from someone so hungover. "Then you told me we could still have a life we wanted, but I would have to stop."

I nodded slowly, "I did and you have to, but I'm not going to push." I licked my lips, holding back the things I wanted to say, but couldn't. Bo was fragile and if I pushed way too hard, she would shatter and I would never be able to put her back together.

Bo fell into another silence that lasted a few more moments. I took it as a cue and pointed at the coffee as I stood up. "There's hot black coffee and I can make eggs or something." I tipped my head down to look at the rim of the CIA mug in my hands. The air in the room was thick and I needed to leave, get some air. Breath before I smothered the both of us with questions and asking if I had a chance.

I turned and headed to the door when I heard in a very soft voice.

"And I remember telling you that I love you, Lauren."

I looked at Bo, she had her eyes locked on mine, scrunching her face up, "And I think I might have kissed you, but I'm not really clear on that part." She smiled tightly.

I couldn't help by grin and blow out a nervous laugh, "You did, both." I took a step back towards the bed, "I love you, Bo. Everything I said, I stand by. I am not going anywhere and I will be here for you. I will fight for this. I will fight for us." I stopped the words as Bo's face twisted and she broke down, sobbing.

She set the water down on the table and choked around a few sobs, "Lauren, I'm scared. I don't know if I can do this. If I can swim out of the darkness and be someone you can love again. I'm a mess, a huge mess that hasn't been stable for more than a few days in a very long time." She looked up at me, "I don't know if I can go without hurting you, I love you so much, but I'm so scared. More scared than I was when I was seventeen….because…what if…I lose you again?" She covered her face with her hands and cried harder.

I set my cup on a bookshelf and rushed to the bed, scooping Bo up in my arms and holding her tight against my chest. She resisted for a second until I whispered, "Let go, I have you now."

I soon felt her arms slip out from underneath us and wrap around me, her hands clutching to my back, grabbing to wads of my sweatshirt as she clung for life to me. Crying and letting out what I hoped was the last strings of her resistance. I kissed the top of her head, holding her, "I have you, Bo. I'm not going anywhere unless you're next to me. We can do this. It's the fates finally giving us and our love the chance we never gave ourselves."

Bo sobbed a few more times before leaning back and looked at me with red, tired eyes, "It's going to take time, I'm not sure…of anything…all I have is that I love you so much, Lauren. But is it enough?" She frowned. "What if I can't…be me like you knew me?"

I swallowed hard, seeing how deep the hooks of depression had sunk into her. It scared me for a second than I thought about it, looking in her eyes searching me like a lighthouse in the storm. The love I felt for her was hooked deeper than any sort of depression should shake free. I grinned suddenly, nodding, "It is. I'm not going anywhere. I have nowhere left to run, because the only thing I've ever wanted is back in my arms. You're my Bo and even if you changed, my heart only beats for you." I bent and kissed her forehead, "I will wait until the end of time for you, if that's how long it takes."

Bo sniffled and leaned back against my shoulder. Her arms squeezing me tighter as she murmured, "I missed you so much."

I sighed, holding her as my heart began to feel different with every second that passed. I felt stronger, warmer, confident, and determined on a level that nothing could shake me.

I had Bo back in my arms, the rest I would worry about it when I had to.