Chapter 46

Tonight, I'm in a very good mood. Just found green tomatoes at the supermarket so I made... fried green tomatoes and boy, did they taste good! Recipe on Tumblr. I also made raspberry streusel bars but that's another story. Send me a message if you want any of my recipes. So many of them. Sigh! Anyway, as I said, I am in a good mood and though swamped with cooking and baking, I did manage to post a new chapter for Louise (the prequel to this story) and another one for this story. Have fun!

Spoilers for the Kindred, the Last Man, Search and Recue and the Seed/ end of season 4 and beginning of season 5

She plops down on the seat next to Teyla. Her friend is sitting all by herself in the mess hall. "Hey, hi," she greets her. "What are doing here at such an early hour?"

Teyla gives her a tired smile. "I haven't been sleeping well, Louise. Nightmares..." she elaborates and pouts.

Louise pats her shoulder. "Yeah, I know, it's hard when you reach the last months. Getting nightmares is quite common. Sometimes, all you can do is get up and keep your hands and mind busy. Don't worry, it will soon be over."

Teyla looks at her surprised. "How..." she starts saying but seeing Louise's apprehension, stops in her tracks.

Louise sighs. "I... I was pregnant once. I kind of hated the whole period. Couldn't wait for it to be over and done with," she chuckles humorlessly.

Teyla puts her hand over her friend's and waits, not pushing. She's surmised a long time ago Louise has had a difficult past.

"He died in an accident, along with his father," Louise finally says. Now she's told John, it seems much easier for her to tell her other friends and now seemed the right moment to tell Teyla. "Anyway," she adds, smiling at her friend, "what I mean is I understand it's difficult and if I can do anything, I'll be there for you. You just need to ask."

Teyla squeezes her hand and nods. "I'm sorry for your child," she says.

Louise nods. " Your nightmares," she says, turning to the matter at hand, "are they normal ones or is there something weird in them?" She knows Teyla's gift is quite a burden for her at times.

"Rather the latter ones, I'm afraid. They're about Kanaan and it scares me. Deep inside, I'm sure they're still alive somewhere. I need to find them, Louise." She looks away and Louise sees the burden of this uncertainty is getting harder to carry by the day now she's not far from delivery.

"Listen. I have no say in the matter – what John or Colonel Carter decide to do – but I can tell you without the trace of a doubt that they'll do everything they can to help you find the father of your child and your people. I can't do much for you, Teyla," she adds, "but at least I can be there for you and the baby. You'll always have a family here, you know." Teyla nods. Louise is not the first person to tell her so and it warms her heart.

Louise turns to her, her eyes suddenly twinkling. "I know what I'm gonna do. You need a baby shower! Having a party before the baby is even there does wonders for the mother's mood and helps her wait until the time is due." She stands up, all business-like. "I'm going to talk to Colonel Carter about it," she says. "I'll be right back." Teyla shakes her head but has to admit she is glad to have such friends in a time like this.

The party is cancelled when Teyla disappears. Louise had everything prepared, gone over all the minute details, enquired into her tastes and pestered her about what she would want for the baby, efficiently deflecting her worries about her people's fate but clearly not enough to prevent her from leaving the safety of Atlantis. And now her friend is gone.

She's sitting in her kitchen at two in the morning, her hands wrapped around a cold cup of coffee, browsing her cookbook but not really seeing it. John has been gone for almost ten days too. They've tried every possible means to find his whereabout. To no avail. She's wild with worry. He's never been gone for so long and she fears he's lost to them forever. The thoughts spin endlessly in her mind – how she should have told them both how much she cared for them, how grateful she was to have them in her life.

At two thirty, Ronon walks into her kitchen and silently sits next to her. She glances at him and sighs. "Aren't you going to go to bed?" he finally asks gruffly. "Cuz you're sure worrying everyone." She lifts her eyebrows. He shrugs. "Colonel Carter sends me to say if you don't get some rest, she'll ask Jennifer to put you on sick leave. She means it," he adds.

She sighs and stands. "I can go to bed if you want but I can't sleep, Ronon. Sleep has been eluding me for too long. I'm on a roll," she adds humorlessly.

"More like a slippery slope, if you ask me," he mutters. "Get your butt out of here. I'm taking you to the infirmary. You'll sleep even if that means letting Jennifer sedate you."

She shakes her head. "I don't want to take medication."

"You need to be well and not on the brink of exhaustion when he returns," he states, leading her out of her realm.

"When?" she sniggers.

He gives her a scalding look. "When," he replies, his tone final.

And when he returns, she's there to welcome him, her heart beating so hard she almost passes out. Everyone leaves at a run towards the armory to gear up and head where he says he knows Teyla is. He only takes a few minutes to change and eat and drink something before he heads back to the gate room, his look determined but his shoulders sagging from exhaustion.

She's waited patiently outside the armory and when he passes her, he just stops for a second to give her a one-arm hug before they head back through the gate. He hasn't offered for her to come and she hasn't asked because she knows the answer – a stubborn no to put one more of his friends in danger. They haven't even had time to talk, just exchange a silent look and she's afraid they might not return alive and she'll never be able to tell him how much he means to her.

She's at the excavation site when they try to find the teams who've been buried in the explosion at the compound. Carter has allowed her to come, seeing how haunted she looks. They need all the help they can get anyway and Louise is very efficient under stress, it seems. She's in charge of a jumper and the food and water supply and is bossing her team around, knowing every minute counts. She doesn't even flinch when they're under fire, refusing to fall back.

She lets Wilson and Ridgeway in charge and leaves at a run when she hears they've retrieved the last survivors. When she arrives in the infirmary, he's already on his feet, demanding to be patched up so he can leave again.

She forgets about everything she wants to tell him – how much she's missed him, how sorry she is she never said it earlier – and comes to stand in front of him, majorly pissed. "John Sheppard, you get in that bed asap or so help me God..." she orders him, pointing at the bed beside him, a murderous look on her face.

He sniggers out of pure habit because that's how they function. She sees he's trying hard not to show how much pain he's in. "Léger, you're not my mother and you're not my CO so you don't get to tell me what I damn need to do. Get out of the way," he tells her not too gently. He grunts and she sees his hand reach for his side.

"Please, John," she begs him, all resolve of being strong gone now, "I'm begging you. Let others do it. You can't go back. It's going to kill you."

He shakes his head, refusing to look her in the eye. "I need to go back and you know it. She'd do the same for any of us." He looks towards Jennifer who's wavering. "Patch me up, Doc'. You know as well as I do there's no way around it," then he turns to Louise. "Before you ask," he says, knowing her too well, "I won't take you with us. And it's not I don't trust you, sweetie," he adds, laying his hand gently on her cheek, making her want to lean into his touch. She doesn't because they're in the middle of the infirmary and she doesn't trust herself with not stepping into his arms and kissing him before it's too late.

He sees how vulnerable she is and for just a split second, he entertains the possibility of taking advantage of it. He doesn't because it's not what he wants her to remember should he never return. It would be too much for her to lose him after that so he simply gives her a tired smile. "Louise," he says, laying his other hand on the side of her head and kissing her forehead, "I want you to be here when Teyla returns with her baby. And I want you to take care of them. I know for a fact she wants you to be part of their lives – help her with the baby, pass on your experience as a mother," he whispers so only she can hear what he's saying. "Don't deny me that comfort. I need to know she'll have someone to take care of her if we don't make it back."

Louise's eyes are locked with his. It might be the last time they see each other. The whole thing – Teyla's abduction, John's injuries, Carson's return – looks too much like a nightmare. One of her many nightmares about how this whole adventure should not, cannot possibly end. She whimpers and sees him flinch so she schools herself for his sake. "If this is what you want, John, so yes, I will be here waiting for you all to return." He nods and walks to Jennifer who's waiting to dress his wounds and give him some shots. He turns to her one more time. "Leave, Louise. This is no place for you," he says and she knows he doesn't want her to see how badly wounded he is.

Once again she sits in the kitchen, waiting. Wilson and Ridgeway have taken over, following her written orders posted on the board for the week's menus. She finally feels so useless she leaves them to it and heads for the balcony and sits there for hours, not moving. Chuck drops by to keep her company. He's the only who's dared approach her, apart from her under-cooks. He hands her a mug and sits next to her until she registers his presence and takes the mug from his hands. The aroma of the hot beverage reaches her, making her smile at long last. "Latte with brown sugar and cinnamon," she guesses.

He nods. "Dr Keller said you'd probably need the sugar in there."

"Has she asked you to keep an eye on me?" she scoffs.

"No Ma'am," he chuckles. "You're the one who takes care of us normally. It's only fair we return the favor once in a blue moon."

She smiles at him and takes a sip. "Thank you," she says, touched by his kindness.

"You're welcome, Ma'am." He licks his lips then adds: " You know, he'll return. He always returns."

She nods and they sit in companionable silence, watching the sun disappear on the horizon and the two moons appear in the darkening sky.

She feels a hand on her hair, stroking it gently and for a moment she wonders why she fell asleep on the balcony. She slowly wakes up from her slumber, her muscles cramped and her whole body screaming for a hot shower and painkillers – lots of them. She's fallen asleep in the infirmary, her head on her folded arms resting on the side of his bed.

Everyone has come back alive, if not entirely well, with Teyla and baby Torren as an added bonus and then, before she even had the time to reconnect with them, John was whisked away to the OR and she waited for hours to see him again, his waist wrapped in a bandage, an IV still hooked to his arm. She's adamantly refused to leave his side ever since and Ronon has informed Jennifer even he won't fight her on that.

"Hi," she mumbles and cautiously moves her head from side to side to remove the crick in her neck.

"Hey," he says, still playing with her hair. "You OK?" he asks.

She lifts her head and sighs with content, seeing him well and alive, but then rolls her eyes. "You are asking me how I'm doing?" she mocks him.

He smirks. "I'm good," he states. "And you don't seem to agree with spending a night on my bed," he banters back. "Maybe you should have considered getting in my bed instead..." he teases her.

"Here he goes again," they hear McKay's sarcastic voice as he enters the infirmary. "See," he informs Louise, "I'd told you so. I'd said the moment he woke up, he'd revert to his Captain Kirk evil twin identity and come on to someone. I'd told you to stay away from his bed!"

John makes a face at him. "I love you too, Rodney," he informs his friend with a smirk.

Rodney huffs. "Can I get the whole gang in here? Everyone was impatient to see you but that little lady here put her foot down and established a defensive perimeter," he sniggers, looking at Louise intently. She blushes a little, knowing how not very nice she'd been with them all, refusing adamantly to let them take turns by his side.

"Just give me a moment, Rodney. I'll send Louise to let you in when I'm ready," he asks his friend.

Rodney lifts his eyebrows but complies, leaving with a stuck up gait to make his point he's not too happy with being ordered out.

Jennifer has been informed he's awake so she comes to check on his bandage. "You're as good as new, Colonel," she says. "At least you will be when you've had a couple of weeks rest."

He pouts. "I'll make sure he does, Doc," Louise says, raising her eyebrows at him, making him know she's onto his case from now on.

He rolls his eyes and tries to sit straighter in his bed and grunts from the pain that shoots through his abdomen. "God," he groans. He looks away seeing Louise's worried look.

She and Jennifer use a couple of pillows to prop him up a bit and make him more comfortable. "I'm going to keep you in the infirmary for a couple of days, Colonel. If you play by my rules, you'll be allowed to return to your quarters, provided you drop by every day to check and dress the wounds," she informs him, giving him a look. She knows he's going to try and get out of that one too but his injuries were too severe this time and he needs to rest. Seeing him ready to protest, she adds: "Non negociable."

He huffs. "I think you're even worse than Carson."

She gives him a fake smile. "That's because I'm a woman, Colonel. And I also happen to have this lady here on my side so you'd better comply or she'll make your life a living hell," she sniggers. Louise snorts. She eyes John with a very wicked look. "I sure will."

He huffs. "OK, I'll do whatever you say."

Louise sees him bite his lip and knows he's just pretending. "Don't worry, Doc," she says, "I've got plenty of practice now. I know how to handle him."

He ends up getting two more days in the infirmary, his wounds not healing as fast as Jennifer expected, and then two and a half weeks off duty. He would hate it if everyone was not taking turns to spend time with him, knowing how idleness makes him antsy. He gets more movie nights, chess and card games, walks to the piers and naps then he's probably had in a year. He and Louise spend time with Torren too. Teyla asks them one night to babysit him. Kanaan has finally been allowed back on base and she feels it's a good reason to celebrate. Louise agrees and prepares dinner for them, setting the table for them on the private balcony she has in the kitchen. That way they won't be disturbed by anyone.

"So, you're ready to do this?" he asks her, standing in her doorway, bouncing on his feet, looking both eager and worried.

She sighs. "As ready as can be."

"Louise," he chides her. "if you're not, just tell Teyla. She'll ask someone else."

She shakes her head. "She has chosen us as his godparents, John. I won't bail on her. And I'm very fond of the kid."

"It's just it reminds you a little too much of Gabriel," he supplies, knowing what's on her mind. She has told no one else about her past yet, apart from Teyla who's not hesitated once when she chose the people who'd double as her child's parents should anything happen. She nods and smiles sadly and he pulls her in his arms. "Hey, I've seen how you are around Torren. You'll do just fine. And I trust Teyla's instinct too. It's no random luck she's chosen you to be his second mom. She knows you'll be good for him, as he'll be good for you," he whispers in her hair. She wraps her arms around his middle and sighs. He wishes she'd not allow herself such gestures of affection only when she has a moment of weakness.

She disentangles herself from his embrace way too soon to his liking but they have to go so he chooses to act cool and not needy and wraps an arm loosely around her shoulders. No one is around so she mirrors him and wraps hers around his waist as they walk towards Teyla's quarters. "So, what are we gonna do tonight?" he wonders, knowing watching a movie is not an option.

She holds up the tablet she's grabbed from her desk before they left her room. "I've got a few games on that one and books too. Something quiet. We'll be lucky enough as it is if we don't have to go round Atlantis, trying to make him sleep," she pouts. She was never too keen on taking the stroller at ten at night when she was bone-tired and wanted nothing more than hit the sack. Here on Atlantis, they don't even have one of these, nor do they have a car. Jennifer has mentioned it to Teyla – being lulled into slumber in her parents' car when she was but a baby. She tells John and his eyes light up like a Christmas tree. "We might not have cars or strollers but we have jumpers..." he suggests, giving her his trademark grin.

"Oh, no, Mister. You don't take the kid for a ride over the City just to put him to sleep! Anyway, Woolsey will never allow for it," she chides him and rolls her eyes at his immaturity. "Men!" she grumbles, making him snort.

Torren is having a nap when they arrive but almost as soon as his parents have left for dinner, he starts waking up and soon enough, he's screaming at the top of his lungs. John cringes. "Still think babies are cute?" Louise banters.

He sneers. "What do we do?" he asks, waiting for the expert to find a solution before he loses his hearing.

She chuckles. "We go for a walk."

They alternate holding the baby but it's soon clear it's John's arms he prefers so John settles him in the crook of his arm and folds his other hand around Louise's. She doesn't say anything until they reach the busiest part of the City, near the gate room. She then removes her hand from his gently. He bites his lip but doesn't say a thing, not wanting to sound hurt – which he is.

He changes arms and they head back towards Teyla's quarters with baby Torren finally fast asleep. He lays him gently in his crib and sighs, looking down at him then turns to her. "I agree that having a baby is not a walk in the park but I see why Teyla and Kanaan seem so happy."

She smiles at him. "Don't worry, John. One day, you'll have your own," she says sadly and turns to walk to the window, gazing at the City.

He comes to stand beside her. "I'm not sure I want children, Louise. It's not what I meant..." he says softly.

She glances at him then looks away. "But you probably will. All men do."

"Don't you want to..." He doesn't finish his sentence, not knowing how to put it.

"Have other children? Now I'm younger? Is that what you mean?" she asks.

"Well, yeah..." He knows it's a difficult subject.

"No, I don't. I had my chance. I loved my child but, truth be told, John, I think I was never meant to be a mother in the first place. I probably made a terrible mother. I was not patient, I was not resourceful. I always let my husband play with him because there was always so much to do it was too much for me to juggle everything," she confesses.

He scoffs. "Why do you always have to belittle yourself? I'm sure you were a good mother. Look at how much pain you still have after all those years. And if there's something I know about you, Louise, it's that you're a master at the art of juggling multiple tasks."

She pouts. "But I still don't want to have other children," she says firmly.

"And I got that. That's perfectly understandable. Though," he adds with a mischievous grin, "it's a shame if you ask me. My good looks and your fiery temper... That would make interesting babies!" he banters, knowing she's going to retaliate.

She does swat his arm and points at the couch. "Sit," she orders him.

He waggles his eyebrows but does as told and pats the seat next to him. "Night on the couch, uh? Cuddling is definitely on my list," he banters.

She shakes her head at his antics and settles next to him with her tablet. "Want to play a game of cards or chess?"

"Checkers," he replies. "If I win, I get to name our first kid."

She elbows him and hisses at him, not wanting to wake up the baby. "John Sheppard, you're impossible!"

He chuckles but wraps his arm around her shoulders all the same and pulls her towards him. "Yes, Ma'am," he says smugly.

TBC

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