N: the edit isn't great on this part, mainly my parts, but whatever. Happy new year and heres this chapter for WritingSux and i to continue ruining your lives. Keep reviewing because at some point we will see them all when FF starts working again! i've read a few and most of you get what we're doing. So, here we go! and the next chapter...it all goes back to crap...maybe.

There was a lot of sitting in silence in my old bedroom after I held her for what felt like a beautiful eternity. Bo eventually wanted to get up and go take a shower, and I left her to do as she wished. I was so afraid to push and lead her, our new foundation was shaky at best. I had her back, and that was what was important. I had a start.

Bo and I would talk a little bit after she came out of the shower wearing one of my old, old, Nasa sweatshirts and a pair of basketball shorts I thought might have been Tamsin's from high school. Bo would talk, tell me random things and then she fell painfully quiet and I took it as a sign to let her sit in the silence and not try to fill it up with idle chatter. I would get her more water or fresh coffee and just sit with her. I had no idea where to start or if she wanted me to start asking how I could help.

Around the third cup of coffee she began to loosen up and wake up. She looked at me, frowning as I pillaged my messenger bag, looking for chapstick. "Oh god, I forgot I have class tomorrow and I haven't studied or looked in a book in days." She ran a hand over her hair, "I should probably call Laurel and see if she wrangle up an emergency study session."

I smiled softly, standing up with the chapstick and a thick notebook in my hands. I held up the notebook, "I know it might be a little much as we are definitely taking baby steps. But I have this." I bent my head down, shrugging.

Bo sighed quietly, "I need a lot more help than that notebook, and you're leaving law school." Her brow furrowed as she focused on the coffee cup on her lap.

I nodded and moved towards the bed, sitting on the edge of it as I set the notebook next to her. "I was, am. But like everything academic in my life, I completed the first year of law school last week. I met with the Dean of Law yesterday morning and he suggested I could take a few weeks off if I needed it, since this big brain of mine has read all of the books cover to cover and passed all of the examinations the professors had online." I shrugged embarrassed, looking up at Bo feeling even more deflated about her level of accomplishment. "Sorry, I still ramble at times." I pushed the notebook closer. "You can take that home to Laurel and the study group. It'll help all of you."

I stood up from the bed when I heard my mom's car pull into the driveway. I walked to the window to see Tamsin stumble out of the backseat with a grease spotted brown paper bag and a large flat box I knew had at least a dozen of doughnuts hidden in it. I smiled at our mom's smiling and helping the gluttonous blonde with her load. "Mom is back. You can eat and see how you feel after. I can or Tamsin can drive you back to your house or whatever you want." I felt nervous like I was sixteen again.

"Lauren, can I ask you a question?" Bo's voice was quiet.

I looked over, jamming my hands in the front pocket of my hoody. "Sure."

Bo brought her knees up under the blanket covered in the galactic rebel empire, "Why law school? My mom told me that you had graduated from Stanford with a computer and biomedical engineering degree. You were on your way to being a rocket scientist. Why…why are you at Harvard?" She asked the question in a way that felt like she was asking was it fate that brought us in the same room or if it was orchestrated.

I smiled, "I took a criminal justice class with Tamsin when she was struggling to pick a major. I went with her to be her cheerleader and when a prosecuting attorney came in for a speech, I was hooked. The never ending twists and turns of the judicial system and how verbal sparring is what really pushes a case more than the undeniable hard science. It fascinated me and I applied to Harvard on a whim." I looked at the floor. "It was completely random to come across you in Keating's class." I smiled before looking up at Bo, "And now I'm really glad I chose Harvard."

Bo smiled, reaching to set her cup on the bedside table. She swung her legs out from underneath the blankets, letting her legs dangle for a moment. "And maybe, I'm really glad too." She met my eyes, falling into silence as she seemed to stare at me in a way that she was studying me.

I cleared my throat as I felt my face turn a bright color. Good lord were we starting this entire circle all over. "What about you Bo, why law and not design or marine biology like you intended?"

Bo chuckled, "I think in the nineties everyone wanted to be a marine biologist, I blame Sea World." She tucked her hands under her thighs, "I picked law because I felt being a lawyer I could give people a second chance were others left them behind. It was the one thing I felt like I was really good at, really smart at and I love it." She sighed, "It took me a year to get accepted to Harvard Law and it's harder than I thought it would be." Bo had that self-deprecating look on her face, the one I knew told me she was calling herself a dumb cheerleader internally.

I moved and sat down next to Bo, keeping a small space between us, "From what I understand, your NYU professors were incredibly impressed by your work ethic, your intelligence and drive." I looked down at Bo with her eyes still down on the floor, "You belong at Harvard, Bo. I know in a few years time, I'll be sitting in the graduation audience, watching collect your law degree." I glanced at her hand, wanting so badly to grab it.

Bo scooted over an inch, leaning her head on my shoulder, "Can I ask another question?"

"Sure." I moved my arm back to give her more room to tuck into my side.

"Will you graduate with me? Lauren?" She cast her big brown eyes my way, "Can we do this together? I know it's a crazy idea and I'm not at all sure about anything. All I know is you and I graduated together in high school and it was one of the greatest days of my life, and if we're doing this whole start again and getting the life we both wanted. And it seems we both want to be lawyers, can we…"

I chuckled, throwing my arm around her, "Verbal diarrhea, at least I understand where you got it after spending some time with your mom last night." I waited until Bo lifted her head to look directly in my eyes, "I'll do only if you're sure you want me with you. I've disrupted so much…."

"Lauren, I want this. All of this. I'm not asking you to stay in law school to help me study in pass, but I think if we do this together, follow through on two separate dreams that brought us together. It'll help me stay on a good path." She smiled sheepishly, "You were a ball buster in high school when it came to study time."

I rolled my eyes, "I've loosened up over the years. I sometimes go a whole night without studying."

Bo widened her eyes, "A whole night?"

I frowned and opened my mouth to say something when Tamsin shoved her big blonde head in the open door, half whispering, "Is she awake? I have double egg, double cheese bagel sammies and a half pound of bacon."

Bo leaned forward, standing up slowly, "I'm awake, Tamsin. You don't have to whisper. The coffee chased away most of the headache."

Tamsin stepped into the room moving to set the greasy bag on the small dresser next to the door, "I'll leave this here." She smiled tightly, "I'm going to go hang out with the mom brigade, give you two some space." She took one step back and stopped, "Oh shit fuck." She reached into her back waistband and removed a small rectangular white bag and strode over to me. "I had the moms stop at my dad's house so I could get this."

I took the bag, feeling the weight of and furrowed my brow, "What is it?"

Tamsin jammed her hands in her pockets, "Doubles of the photographs you…um…lost a few days ago. I also framed one."

I felt my heart skip as I tore open the bag and flicked through the stack of photographs I had certainly burned in a fury a few days ago. At the bottom was the one single photograph I kept, carefully placed in a plain black frame. Tamsin kept looking at Bo and I nervously, "Bad habit I learned from my dad. Always get doubles made when you develop the film." She tapped the frame in my hand, "That one, that one is a rare original. Only one in existence. "She smirked, "If that isn't telling."

Bo leaned forward, taking the stack of photographs from my hand, sifting through them with a strange look on her face. A look that scared Tamsin and made her back up, "Okay, well, downstairs and shit I go." She looked at me, "Let me know when you want to leave, Lewis."

I nodded and mouthed a teary thank you to my best friend. She winked back and turned to leave the room.

"Tamsin, wait." Bo's voice startled us both.

Tamsin gave me a weird look before throwing on a nervous smile, "Yeah?"

Bo gently pushed past me and threw her arms around the blonde, making the poor woman seize up. Tamsin wasn't one for physical contact and this was way out of her comfort zone. Big green eyes looked my way for help.

Bo hugged her for a moment before leaning back and smiling with tears in her eyes, "I need to apologize and thank you." She looked over her shoulder at me, "I understand you were the one who pushed Lauren to find me, talk to me even when I wanted nothing to do with all of this."

Tamsin nodded, still looking freaked out, "I did. After realizing that I'd played right into the hands of douchebag incorporated, I had to fix things. I had to push and make up for what was messed up beyond fucking belief." She moved to look at Bo, taking in a slow breath, "And for what it's worth, I'm here for you Bo. I will always have your back from this day on like I should have had it all along." She then looked at me, "You two were shorted too much time and faced too much shit. When you are the perfect love this dumb world has ever seen." Tamsin's green eyes welled up and she took a step back from Bo, "So yeah, if you need me…"

Bo smiled, stepping back to lean against me, "I do and I will need you." She glanced up at me, "Both of you."

I smiled back, seeing in her brown eyes that she wasn't telling a lie. She would need me, need Tamsin to find her footing in the world. Find the footing to start over.

A month later-

As expected, Bo and I didn't fall into a whirlwind romance immediately. We moved into a very careful friendship to start. At her request I stayed in Harvard Law, shelving the Boston Police option until I was certain she had her head back in the game.

Bo was still on a mini hiatus from school work. It seems that while the moms were at breakfast that first day, they made a call to the Dean of Law explaining that Bo needed to take a break from school to recover from a unique illness. The Dean of course fed my mom the usual policy of Harvard Law and that if Bo missed so many classes she would not make it past year one. He eventually bent after Bo's mom, Tamsin's Dad and contributed a boatload in donations and my mom crafted up a satellite internship with the United States Attorney General for Bo. Basically it was a bunch of bullshit and money to get the Dean to agree to let Bo have a few weeks off to recover. Not that Bo was sitting at home watching movies and eating ice cream. She was spending night after night at my house or at hers, studying her ass off to get caught up after I finished my classes.

Even Laurel and her friend Michaela joined the study group. After I had a lengthy half Spanish half English brow beating in the backyard of Bo's house from Laurel. She made me swear to some Spanish entity and back that I would not break Bo's heart or do anymore damage. I promised her and told her I would prove her wrong. Laurel still gave me an evil side eye and watched me even as she started to borrow my law notes for Keating's class.

I knew had to prove to Bo's entire world that I wasn't this horrid destroyer of humanity, that I was just a dumb kid who did something really dumb when she was sixteen.

At the end of the three weeks off, I was walking Bo back to the brownstone. We had been studying at the library by my house, and Tamsin had pizza waiting before Bo went home to prepare for class the next day. Laurel was going to pick her up when she left her new boyfriend's house.

We walked along the leave covered sidewalk, silence only being broken by the crunch of the leaves under our feet. I kept my eyes forward, trying to find a topic to bring up for small talk. Bo and I were still struggling to maintain conversation when it wasn't revolving around law school. How do you start a conversation with someone who's time without you in it, was fraught with depression and you were the singular trigger of that depression? I cleared my throat to ask her about NYU when I looked over and saw her staring at me. Another new thing I noticed lately. I would often catch Bo starting at me when there was a lull in the studying or conversation.

I gave her a weird playful look and pushed my thin black frame glasses up, "Is there something on my face?"

Bo blinked and turned away, burying her face deeper in her plaid scarf, "No…I just…never mind." She frowned.

I shook my head, "Bo, say it. I don't want you to think you can't ever say anything to me. I kind of hope you can trust me enough to start talking like we once did. I mean, I'm boring myself with asking what your thoughts are on the Patriots this year or if we're going to get a bunch of snow or if my mom is going to forget the nutmeg in the pumpkin pie again this year." I chuckled at all of the stupid conversation topics I had brought up to try and make Bo feel comfortable in talking to me again like we used to. "So, if I have a glaring massive zit on my face, tell me. Please?"

Bo laughed lightly, sighing and looking back at me with bashful eyes, "I know, but this. I feel creepy."

I grabbed her elbow gently, stopping her, "I live with Tamsin, have lived with her for almost a decade. The definition of creepy has no meaning anymore. The girl has desensitized me to creepy."

Bo grinned that beautiful grin that had melted my heart a million years ago and I almost sighed aloud seeing it again. "It's stupid, weird."

I rolled my eyes, "Bo, again…living with Tamsin." I squeezed her elbow, "Tell me."

Bo chewed on her bottom lip, "I stare at you because I can't believe how different you look now." She blushed, "I never really looked at you when we reunited, I was so caught up in my emotions that all I saw was the heartbreak." Bo sighed, scrunching face up, "I keep staring and thinking about how beautiful you are, Lauren."

I felt my heart skip a thousand beats at her words, and squeaked out, "I'm not beautiful." I turned and started to walk towards the front stoop of the brownstone, "Hopefully the pizza isn't gone. Tamsin has a tendency not to share when people are late."

Bo grabbed my arm, "Lauren you are beautiful. You've grown into this amazing woman that's a far cry from the gangly, skinny, shy, and meek girl I fell in love with." She sucked in a breath, clearly finding her confidence, smiling softly, "You are still more beautiful than any star in the sky and I was wondering if I could, maybe, hold your hand?"

I turned back to look at Bo, shocked but so happy that she was finding something in me to trust again. I held out my hand with a gentle smile, "Yes, you can. I would like nothing more than for you to hold my hand, Bo."

She grinned and slipped her hand in mine, our fingers still linking together as if they were never meant to be apart. Her hands were so incredibly warm in mine even as the early November chill nipped at us through our clothes. I looked down at our hands interlocked, letting Bo take the first step to continue onto the brownstone when I murmured, "You're still more beautiful than the entire solar system, Bo."

Bo's only response was to squeeze my hand and ask what kind of pizza Tamsin ordered.

Tamsin patted her belly like a stuffed pig and stood up, "I need to take a nap before work. I hate the midnight split shift. Who the fuck goes to work at 3am? No one, not even bakers or radio hosts." She collected the empty plates and other random garbage from the kitchen table we all sat at.

Dinner with Tamsin had been easier. Bo asked about Stanford and how Tamsin found the road to being a police officer. Leading Tamsin into one of her epic storytelling rants. I sat back and listened, letting Bo lead the conversation and only interjecting here and there when Tamsin was about to take a really disgusting route in one of her oops, found a dead body in a suitcase stories.

Bo stood up, taking her own plate to the sink, "How much longer are you on that shift?"

Tamsin yawned, "A month. Petey is retiring next week. Dave is moving to the other district and the sergeant's spot is about to be filled. So by turkey day, this cranky blonde will be back on afternoons ruining the lives of many rush hour drivers." She turned to look at the clock, "Balls, it's already midnight." She shuffled over to the table, looking at me, "Can you pack some of the leftover slices for my lunch? I need to hit the hay."

I rolled my eyes, shoving her away, "Yes, I can. But make sure you turn your alarm off, I don't need it waking me up at eight am, because your lazy ass is lazy."

Tamsin giggled as she ran out of the kitchen, "Maybe." She then waved to Bo, "Night Bo, it was good to see you and good luck at class tomorrow."

Bo laughed, shaking her head, "Thank you and goodnight."

I sighed like my mom did whenever Tamsin was being Tamsin, "One of these days she'll have children of her own." I waved my hand over the dishes in the sink, "Leave them, I'll take care of them in the morning."

"Are you sure?" Bo gave me an apprehensive look. She pulled out her phone, frowning, "Dammit Laurel." She held up the phone to show me the text message, "She's staying at her boyfriend's. Seems she had a beer too many and is scared to drive."

I nodded, "I am." I glanced at the clock, "I can give you a ride home if you want? I know you have an early appointment." I swallowed hard, I had no idea what to do. I didn't want Bo to miss her appointment with her therapist, she had mentioned it to me earlier at the library, her way of telling me she didn't want to be out too late. "I'm sorry, I got caught up in having you here. I should have told Tamsin to shut up sooner and gotten you home."

Bo shrugged, smiling softly, "It's okay, it'll give me something good to talk about with Dr. Greenbaum instead of bitching about how my depression is a black hole I can't crawl out of no matter what."

I stared at the brunette picking at the edge of her grey sweater. I set down the hand towel I used to wipe the table, "Bo, do you still feel that way? I mean, that there's no way out?" I asked softly, hating to tread onto a disastrous path.

Bo kept her eyes down, a silence filling the room. She nodded slowly, whispering, "Can I stay here tonight, sleep with you?" She lifted her head up, her eyes filled with a strange vulnerable sadness.

I chewed the inside of my mouth, not quite understanding what Bo wanted from me. I stammered a muddied answer out when Bo stepped closer, "If I start talking about my depression, I won't want to be alone. I won't want to go home where temptation is everywhere and I want to tell you, but…I will need someone I love to keep me from tipping over."

I didn't hesitate. "Yes, Bo. You can tell me and I will not leave you until ask me to."

Bo clenched her jaw, "It's not pretty, any of it."

I smiled and placed my hands on her upper arms, "Did I happen to mention I live with Tamsin?"

Bo smiled weakly and walked into my arms and hugged me, "I love you, Lauren."

I sighed heavily at the tone in her voice, and squeezed her tightly, "And I love you, Bo."

The way she said it worried me that what I was about to hear was going to be ugly, painful but it wouldn't chase me away. I had made a promise that I was going to keep.

xXxXxX

Lauren had given me a pair of spare sweatpants from Tamsin's academy days, a ragged Stanford t-shirt that had probably seen better days, and a guest toothbrush and towel. After I closed the door to the bathroom I leaned against it then closed my eyes. The last month had been a struggle for me. I was getting my academic career back on track, I had an army of therapist surrounding me, and I also I had two hovering mothers. Then there was Lauren.

She and I had been in this safe void that we knew there was a lot to talk about and sort through yet at the same time we weren't able to. I knew she wanted to ask how therapy was going, or what I had done in art therapy, or how I was doing but she wasn't certain how to do it. She would get this apprehensive look on her face then the conversation would die or she would ask what I wanted to study or go on about Tamsin.

I wouldn't talk about it because I wasn't ready to. Lauren had seen me at point when I had been vulnerable, hopeless, and at a dangerous edge and now that I was getting help for it I had clammed up about it. I was determined for her to never see that side of me again, but then Dr. Greenbaum, the captain of the Bo recover ship, told me that building a relationship on a half-truth was destined to fail. That if I didn't share this with Lauren she would never know who I was nor would she be able to learn how to support me when I would need her.

I had stood fast and told Dr. Greenbaum that I wasn't going to do it. But Lauren had broken my resolve. She didn't do anything directly it was what she had done indirectly that caused me to change my desire to open up to her. Lauren had been there day in and day out helping me with my school work and getting me organized. She had been there just sitting with me when I didn't want to talk. We would go for walks and neither of us would say anything. Lauren had changed. She had become stronger, more resilient, and she wasn't afraid to love. She was the epitome of the support that I needed and that frightened me so much.

I didn't want to drag her into the mess that was me getting my life back together but for weeks now she had willingly found ways to be with me. Making sure that I was never alone and checking up on me. She would never be forthright about but it was her asking about my reading or homework or saying that her mom had asked about me. It was the small gestures over the last month that created tiny fissures in the resolve that I built up.

The morning after Lauren found me on the hill had been the last time we had physical contact. I had withdrawn from Lauren which hadn't surprised me considering my stance on not letting her see me broken again. But tonight as we were walking back to her house I thought about what Dr. Greenbaum had told me about how the contact of another human being was enough to keep someone centered and kept their depressive thoughts at bay.

Lately I had gotten into this habit of looking at Lauren because not only had her personality evolved but she had changed physically as well and she was so damn beautiful. When we were younger I would watch her because she was so cute and quirky and she still was those things, but there was some subtle sensuality with it. It amazed me and there were times where I would look at her and begin to wonder how anyone like her would love someone like me then the thoughts would spiral out of control.

That had happened on our walk back to her house tonight and I took a chance because I needed to know that my demons didn't scare Lauren even if she didn't know they were running wild in my head. When she took hold of my hand I knew that she would be there, she may not have known how to chart the treacherous terrain that was my mental health, but she was willing to weather the tumultuous, sometimes violent, storms with me.

There was a light rap on the door and I jumped because I had been so deep in my thoughts. "Bo are you okay?"

I placed the pile of stuff that was in my arms on the counter and said, "Yeah Lauren, I'm fine."

I strained to hear her walk away but I didn't hear any footsteps. Even though a door separated us I could feel the tension that was between us. I could feel her urge to want to come into the bathroom and check on me and I wanted her to come in. I wanted her to hold me. Instead all I heard was a soft okay then she walked away from the door. I started the shower then I sat down on the toilet and began to cry. I wasn't certain I could do this. I had no idea on how to let someone in especially someone like Lauren. She held so much power over me already and I was so scared to give her more. I was afraid of her and yet I loved her so much. My volleying emotions were exhausting me but it was one of the perks of depression. I wiped my face then began to get undressed so I could take my shower.

After I showered and brushed my teeth I left the bathroom and walked down the hall toward Lauren's room. I had been in her room before but we had been in there to study or something involving school. This time I was going in there to sleep in the same bed as her. I walked into the room and I saw that Lauren was sitting at the foot of the bed and she had been staring at the floor but her head jerked up when I walked in. We stared at each other for a moment then she pointed to the hamper in the corner and said, "If you toss your clothes in there I can wash them for you in the morning." I nodded then walked over to the hamper and tossed my dirty clothes into it. I stood there and I looked everywhere but at Lauren. I wasn't sure how to do this and I didn't know how act around Lauren in this situation. "Bo, and I know I've asked this already but, are you okay?"

I swallowed then took a deep breath as I looked up at the ceiling. I forced it out then admitted, "I'll never be okay Lauren." I looked at her and a wry smile came to my face. "It's the sad fact of my reality. I'll be fine one minute but all it takes is one wrong thought or action or word and I'm falling into this dark hole. And the fall isn't a slow one. It's a fast one and it leaves me scrambling to try to stop it but I can't. There is nothing to grasp onto and it sucks."

Lauren stood up and she took a couple steps towards me then stopped so that there was a considerable amount of space between us. "What can I do Bo? Tell me how to help you."

My throat tightened as an overwhelming amount of emotion came over me and tears formed in my eyes. Lauren, again, was jumping into my mess when she didn't have to. I wrapped my arms tight around myself and tucked my chin down. I closed my eyes and asked, "Why do you keep doing that?"

"Doing what Bo?"

I sniffed and drew in a deep breath before I said, "Blindly following me into something that you don't have to be involved in." I lifted my head to where I was able to look up at her through my tear soaked lashes. "Lauren there isn't a quick fix to this. Sometimes you being there won't be enough then what will you do?" She stood there unable to give me an answer and I dropped my head down then closed my eyes, "See? You can only do so much and I can't have you getting involved in this only to have you end up regretting your decision to-"

"No Bo." I felt her move closer to me and she unwrapped my arms from around my body then she placed her finger under my chin to lift my head. "Bo look at me." She whispered. "Please." I tightened my jaw and took a breath then I opened my eyes. I looked into Lauren's sad, determined eyes and she stated, "I will never, never, regret my decision to be involved with you. Never. You are the best thing to happen to me Bo Dennis and I let you get away from me once because of my stupid immaturity but I will not let it happen again. Do you understand?" I wanted to nod that I did understand because I wanted to believe her so much but the doubt in my mind prevented.

I opened my mouth to protest but Lauren pressed a finger to my lips, "No Bo. I will show you that there is nothing that will keep me away from you and I will spend every day of my life proving this to you if I have to." She sighed and said, "And so what if I'm not enough to help you but I can make sure that you have what you need to fight the darkness that is inside of you. If you need silence I will give it to you. If you want to be alone I'll give it to you but I will never be far from you." Her eyes began to shimmer with unshed tears. "Tell me what you need Bo because seeing you hurt like this and not knowing how to help you is killing me. So please tell me how to help you."

As I stared into Lauren's glistening eyes I knew I had to come to a decision. I could continue to fight against Lauren and continue to try to push her away or I could let her in and open up to her. She had made her choice now I had to make mine. I took a deep breath and rested my forehead on Lauren's. She wrapped her arms around me and I closed my eyes as let her warmth envelope me. My brain warred with my heart. Reminding me that I was damaged and incapable of being loved and unable to return it. It told me that Lauren had only seen a fraction of the darkness that's inside of me and that once she saw what was really there she would want nothing to do with me. I tensed up and Lauren whispered, "I'm here Bo."

I focused on what my heart was telling me. It knew that I loved Lauren. It knew that I had never stopped loving Lauren. It reiterated what Lauren had said. That she wanted to be there for me and help me through this. It repeated the words Dr. Greenbaum had told me over the countless sessions that I had gone to the last month. To let Lauren in and let her love help heal the parts of me that were broken. My heart knew it was scary but it also reminded me that love was scary. I drew in a deep breath then said in a soft voice, "I want to lie down."

Lauren let out what sounded like a relieved breath then she kissed my forehead before she said, "Okay. We can go lay down."

"And Lauren…"

"Yes sweetheart?"

I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat then asked, "Can you hold me?"

She kissed my forehead again then murmured against it, "Yes I can."

We moved to the bed and once were on it and in a comfortable position Lauren turned off the lights. We laid there with her holding me and running her fingers through my hair while I focused on her breathing and just being with her. The dark thoughts were quiet for the moment and I was able to enjoy the moment and feel the love that flowed between us. It was something I hadn't felt in so long and I now that I had it back I was determined to keep it. I drew a breath in through my nose then said, "Lauren…" She kissed the top of my head and hummed. I took a moment to revel in the attention she was showing then I said, "I'm going to try. I'm going to try to let you in. It's not going to be easy because I haven't let anyone in, well I haven't shown them the sides of me that are mentally debilitating, but I'm going to try with you." I held on tighter to her waist and shut my eyes, "I love you Lauren and I don't want our relationship to be built off of the truth I only want you to see. I'm going to show you the whole truth. It's not going to be pretty."

"I know Bo."

What I had to say next made me feel beyond vulnerable but I had to let her know how much I was putting out there and how much I was trusting her with what I was giving her. "I need-" I stopped and I took a second to gather my thoughts. This was such a hard thing for me to do. "I need you to not run away when you see what is going on and what I have gone through." Lauren was quiet and she didn't say anything for the longest moment. I began to think that maybe she had come to realize that she wouldn't be able to handle what I was asking of her. I began to pull away from her.

Lauren tightened her hold around me and said, "Stop it Bo. You can't keep doing that every time I don't respond how you would like me to. I need to process and that's something you need to understand right away." She sighed then said, "I have a lot of guilt in regards to what you're going through. I know we both know that neither of us are at fault in regards to what had transpired all those years ago but I feel like you wouldn't have gone through the ordeal that you had, or it wouldn't have been as bad, if I had confronted you." She stopped and we both knew that us discussing the events that lead to our break up and separation was beating a dead horse but we still had to address the aftermath of it all. "So if I need a moment after you tell me something or show me something know that it isn't because I'm scared or second-guessing my decision to be involved with you. It's because I have my own feelings to work to through too." Lauren kissed my forehead then she rested her cheek on the top of my head. "But I'm here Bo and I will always be here. I'll be here when you stumble and I'll be here when you succeed. There is nothing that you could show or tell me that will change that. I love you and I have no plans to leave you."

I drew in a weak breath then whispered, "I love you too Lauren." Silence settled upon us and it was just the two of us in the dark and holding each other. It felt so right and I never wanted to leave it. There were no troubling thoughts. No doubts. Just love and the promise of us being together no matter what.

XXXX

Bo had fallen asleep in my arms that night after telling me a handful of things that made me sick and hold her tighter. She told me about the first time she ever got blackout drunk a week after graduation. How her first year in college was a blur of bottles faceless, nameless bodies that made her feel something for a second but left her a broken shell. There were the failed relationships she hid in, that only caused her to spiral back into a bottle. Then there were the times she had to stop meeting my dad for lunch because he would innocently tell her about how I was and that seeing how happy I was without her, triggered the image she held of herself. The dumb cheerleader who had no worth in the world. I also wanted to search out all the fucking shits who touched her and used her, the Wills who took advantage of her vulnerable state. But I couldn't sensibly go on a rampage across a tri-state area, that would hinder my law degree a little bit.

It went on for a few hours, I held Bo and let her cry. She told me things that I was hopeful I would never have to hear again and she would never have to endure now that she was sharing them with me. The drunken nights, the endless stream of people touching her wishing it was me, and the utter sense of hopelessness that life was better off without her actively participating in it. I held strong, clenching my jaw and taking large gaps of silence to think before I would answer her and tell Bo that all that mattered now was we had a second chance. I would always love her, the good, the bad and the horribly ugly sides of her. They all combined to make the most beautiful woman in the world who was in my arms.

I didn't sleep that night, just held Bo and kept her close, enjoying the way she fit in my arms better than she did when I was nothing but gangly arms and knees. Bo fit better and had found the same spots she loved to tuck into when we were younger. She laid her head against my chest and her arms never left my waist. She would only move a little to readjust and fall back to sleep. The remarkable thing that happened how it felt painless to have Bo with me. I no longer felt the empty ache that carried on my back for years, it all dissipated when she fell asleep in my arms, trusting me.

I woke Bo up in enough time to get her dressed in more of my spare clothes and drop her off at her appointment. I almost offered to go in with her, but seeing the look in Bo's eyes, I knew it was best if I left. So, I helped her out of the car, told her to call me when she was done with her last class and I would meet up to study with her. I was on an off day for my own classes, having completed at least three of them in the last week. I was only down to constitutional law and Keating's class. The rest I had taken the finals and the professors gave me a passing grade. Giving me even more time to be there for Bo, and made me finally grateful for the big brain I was born with it.

I drove home, made a large pot of coffee and headed up to the roof of the brownstone to sit and stare out on the view of Harvard University. It was chilly and I huddled up into the big sweater I threw on, but welcomed the cold bite of the late fall air.

I sat for hours, staring and thinking. Digesting the things Bo had been through and only once did I question if I could do this. That question was shut immediately down by my heart screaming at me that Bo was the one I loved. That both my heart and I had tried and only failed finding anyone. But it wasn't easy lying with her and hearing it all, realizing the rock bottom depths she had seen more than once.

I leaned forward on the weird wooden chair Tamsin had put on the roof in July for us to watch fireworks, and silently cried. Cried for Bo, not for myself.

Taking on Bo meant taking it all on and standing with her as she continued working through things. But, fuck was it hard. Hard not to hold her and beg for her to forget it all now that we were back, but it was hard to understand some things.

"Lauren! Why did you leave the fucking roof door open, it's cold as a polar bears tits in the house now. I had to start the fireplace up and almost burnt my eyebrows off." Tamsin stomped onto the roof, "I can never gauge the match to flame ratio."

I sniffled, wiping my nose, "Or it could be the fact you have not patience to let the newspaper catch and dump at least a half of can of lighter fluid on the wood." I looked at Tamsin, she was wearing her uniform shirt and those god awful Celtic pants.

Tamsin gave me a sideways look, "Why are you crying?" She moved closer, "Did you and Bo...um...i mean I saw her clothes in the washer when I went to throw my pants in." She sat down next to me.

I shook my head, "We are nowhere close to doing anything. We just started to hold hands last night. She did sleep in my bed last night, but that was while she started to tell me everything she had been through." I felt my throat tighten.

The blonde sighed, yanking her ponytail out to release the blonde hair to flutter in the wind, "Do you want to give up?" She asked with genuine concern, "I mean it's clear Bo is very different than when she was seventeen, even I see the changes and it makes me want to hug her and I fucking hate hugging."

I smiled lightly, shaking my head, "I can't give up and I don't want to. But, fucking fudge." I paused, not being able to say anything. I didn't want to ruin the small amount of trust she gave me by turning to my best friend and spilling everything. "Some of the things…" I drifted off again. "I am not sure I can do this, even though I want to, can I do this? The dark places Bo has, are very deep and dark and leave me speechless."

Tamsin grabbed my arm, patting my hand, "Lauren Lewis, you are going to do this. I know you, you've never given up on anything or anyone." She glanced at me, "Remember what I told you in high school when you two idiots when you were fumbling then?"

I nodded, looking at my very cold cup of coffee. "I also remember that we are still balls deep in operation best man." I glanced at her, "Your exact words, Tams."

"Good, because I still believe I will be at your wedding. Wiping away big old crocodile tears as you and Bo exchange vows. Mainly tears that you'll hopefully be moving out and I can leave the junk food out and not hide it." Tamsin chuckled when I smacked her shoulder, "Honestly Lauren. You love her and she loves you. You'll make it through, she'll make it through and we all will make it through this shit pile called life. Plus, you have me to come to and cry and then I'll take you to shoot things or fuck with freshman in the dorms. Bo can come too if she wants."

I laughed, sniffling back tears, "Thanks Tams."

She punched my arm, "You're welcome, now let's go eat. Freddy is waiting downstairs to take us to lunch after we pick up Bo. We're going to that new Chinese all you can eat across from station. I have a new story, we found a severed leg in a dumpster behind that diner on ninth. It's a good one."

I stood up and watched my best friend run to the roof door hollering that I better shut it tight before the house froze over. I took one last look at the treetops and the rooftops of the old University and took in a deep breath.

I had one thought, if I could go back in time would I really change that day or would I stay on the same path that led Bo and I where we were now?

I ruminated for a second and had a quick flash of Bo standing in front of me, placing a ring on my finger, telling me she would forever, until death did us part. It was a quick flash of a possible daydream born out of not sleeping all night, but either way, it made me grin like an idiot and resolve to stay in this.

It also made me say no, I wouldn't go back to that day and change it. Fate clearly had a plan in mind and even though it was painful as hell right now, it was worth the pain. Bo was worth the pain because the love she gave me was painless.