Chapter 47
Spoilers for Ghost in the Machine
She's gone. Gone through the gate without a moment's hesitation, knowing all that was on the other side was nothingness and she would never see them again. He's standing in front of the gate, the last one to remain in the room, his hand still resting on his P90. These last few hours have been taxing, to say the least, and he doesn't even know if his feet will carry him back to the armory and then his quarters. He needs to rest. He simply doesn't think he can.
She comes to stand by his side quietly, a comforting presence in this moment of grief. "You need to rest, John," she points out, voicing out his own thoughts. "Exhausting yourself won't make Elizabeth come back."
The muscle in his jaw twitches characteristically. ""I know," he retorts more forcefully than he intended. God knows she is as affected as he is by Elizabeth's sudden return and immediate departure. They all are. It's just they have their own ways of dealing with it. Louise and him, they keep it all bottled up inside.
She doesn't flinch as she used to, back when they first met. She knows by now how to handle him in times like these. They've been through a lot together. They've finally found their pace.
She loops her arm in his and pulls him gently towards the door. "Come on," she says quietly. "I'll make you a turkey sandwish and tuck you in bed."
He chuckles humorlessly. "Lord knows you're much too young to mother me, Léger."
She shrugs as they head for the armory. "Might be so but you're not too old to be babied if need be!"
They drop by at the kitchen and she does as she told him. He sits with his head in his hands while she prepares him a late evening snack. He doesn't even remember the last time he sat to have the semblance of a meal. She sets a plate in front of him. "Eat," she orders, then fixes him a cup of coffee and gets him some dessert.
He shakes his head. "I don't need a sugar fix, Louise. I'm too wound up as it is already. Even the coffee might be too much."
"Want decaf?" she offers, tilting her head.
He looks horrified. "God, no!"
She chuckles and sits next to him. She remains silent as he eats. She nudges him when he's done. "Movie?" she offers. It's not their movie night and by now, everyone must have headed to their quarters but she knows she'll end up there anyway so she might as well offer him to come along.
"Chick flick?" he banters.
She gives him a quick smile, making him know she's seen he's making efforts at teasing her, as he usually does. "You choose, John. I don't really care."
She cleans the dishes and they head towards the TV room, falling into step as they walk in silence through the maze of corridors, each of them reliving the events of the last few hours, thinking about Elizabeth and how much they'd like her to be there with them.
"I demand to see her, John! How dare you prevent me from going to her quarters?" she yells at him.
He stubbornly refuses to look at her. What he'll have to see in her eyes hurts too much. The same look she had when she'd told him he should have gone back for her, two years ago. So much as changed since then but one thing has not – Louise's loyalty to her former boss.
She gets into his personal space and shakes him by the arms. "I'm talking to you, John! Look at me, damn it!"
He trains his gaze on her. He looks cold but she knows better. It probably would have been better if they'd never heard from Elizabeth again. Meeting with her clone had been painful enough as it was. "Told you already. We don't even know if it's her and even if she were, she's a replicator. We need to be extra careful. I will not allow you in there before I'm absolutely sure she's no threat to you." She huffs but seeing he won't relent, stomps out of his office. "Where are you going, Louise?" he calls her back.
"Going to sit in front of her room until you decide she's no threat to her friend," she growls over her shoulder.
It's a few hours later and she's finally standing in front of Elizabeth. It's weird because she doesn't look like her and has taken the same body as that selfless creature Rodney had called Fran who had not hesitated a single moment to sacrifice her existence for what she'd been created. So appropriate, she reflects. She smiles at her friend and takes a step forward but the marines surrounding them are already cocking their weapons in Elizabeth's direction so she steps back and lifts her hands. "OK, guys, don't get angry. No foul play. I just wanted to hug my friend," she elaborates, earning a smile from Weir.
"It's alright, Ms Léger. Why don't we sit down?" Elizabeth offers, motioning to the two armchairs facing each other. She looks so cool and collected when Louise's thoughts are a whirlwind of emotions. It's so Elizabeth to keep calm in such situations. She tells her, which makes her laugh .
"Oh, believe me, I'm everything but calm right now." She sighs then smiles at Louise. "How have you been doing, Ms Léger? Tell me about yourself."
Louise laughs humorlessly. "You are asking me how I've been doing?"
Elizabeth shrugs slightly. "Reconnecting with you all keeps my mind off my own worries. I'm sure glad to see you all again."
Louise nods and complies. "I'm doing good. As you may have noticed, I've had quite a few years given back to me..."
Elizabeth nods. "John mentioned it, yes. At least Michael did something good and selfless for once in his life."
Louise shakes her head. "Sometimes I wish he had not done more than cure the concussion."
Weir looks surprised. "And why is that?"
Louise shrugs. "Magic always comes with a price, Ma'am. Michael's gift came with quite a few unintended consequences. I..."
Elizabeth chuckles. "Teyla told me about it."
Louise lifts her eyebrows. "All of it?"
Elizabeth nods and chuckles some more. "I know things didn't turn out the way you expected but I'm sure glad you tried your hand at living for once, Louise, and I hope you will again."
Louise laughs humorlessly. "Oh, believe me. I won't be caught in that position again! I've learned my lesson well!"
Elizabeth watches her cautiously then answers quietly, lowering her voice so only Louise can hear it. "On the contrary, Louise, I think you should. You deserve it. We should always choose life."
She gulps, her hand over the sensor of the TV room. She's gotten lost in her thoughts and hasn't noticed she was crying. John's hand is on her shoulder, warm and comforting. She doesn't move nor does she look at him. "She said one should always choose life... How could she not follow her own advice?" she whispers, her bottom lip trembling.
He squeezes her shoulder. "I guess because she did what she thought was right for her City. She chose our lives over hers. But still, it was choosing life all the same."
She turns to him and sighs, tears in her eyes. "I feel so sad for her, John. So sad for everything she could have had. It's so not fair. I was the one who didn't care one bit if I lived. Why wasn't I the one allowed to make the sacrifice?"
He looks away. He hates it when she cries. It makes him want to run for cover. But she needs his support so he looks down at her, his hazel eyes stormy from the frustration and anger she's so apt at stirring in him. "Don't you dare say that, Louise. Life sucks. Period. You don't get to choose who's going to make the sacrifice and who's going to live happily ever after. It doesn't work out that way. And before you say anything else, think about how hard it is for me – for any of your friends – to hear you say such things. After all this time, you still believe you being alive is a mistake of the universe? And you have the guts to look me in the eye after seeing Elizabeth go through that gate not an hour ago and tell me you wished you were lost to me forever too? You feel sorry for her? Well honor her memory by enjoying life, damn it!"
She cringes and looks so sheepish he can't remain angry at her. "Come on," he says, passing his hand over the sensor to open the door. "Let's go watch a movie."
They sit in companionable silence and watch the first part of Gone with the Wind. She hasn't seen it in years, actually since she was in college and studying American history. It was John's choice and it does seem appropriate to their own little world – the end of an era. She's sure glad he hasn't picked one of his space operas or a war movie. No matter how many of those he's made her watch, it still gives her the creeps. She suspects he likes to torture her with those. "Why did you choose a chick flick after all?" she teases him, tickling his side.
He huffs. "So not a chick flick!"
She shrugs, seeing Rhett Butler dodge Scarlett's pointed throw in the library. "Well, I don't see how different those two are from modern movie couples. They distrust and even hate each other at first. They fight. They bicker. But in the end, he'll get the girl!" She realizes it quite fits their own situation too, except for the last part – a thought she's never allowed herself to entertain, even after their night on Earth and the subsequent evening on Midway Station. They still have their routine of teasing each other, sometimes dangerously bordering on flirting, but she's never allowed herself to get any closer to the edge and she's sure glad of it now. Seeing Elizabeth, it's reminded her of the possibility that her two friends could have had much more, had they been given enough time. She sighs profoundly.
"Are you sad for Rhett?" he teases her.
"I always thought pining for Scarlett when he could have any other woman he wanted was pretty sad, don't you think?" She briefly smiles then looks into the distance.
He rubs her arm and then wraps his around her shoulders. "Come here," he says softly and kisses the top of her head. "We've had quite a long and difficult day. Try to relax." She settles against him and lays her head on his shoulder. Soon enough, she falls asleep and cuddles closer. He doesn't bother to wake her up and take her back to her quarters because, to be honest, he needs her right here in his arms, preferably the whole night if nothing comes to disturb their sleep. He shifts on the couch so they both lay on their sides, facing each other, her nose buried in the crook of his neck. He prays nobody will enter the room tonight. He really doesn't mind the gossip it would start but she might not see things through his perspective.
"I'm glad you and our little cook haven't torn at each other yet," Elizabeth has teased him.
He has allowed himself to spend some time with her, even though he isn't sure at the time it is really her and not another one of those sneaky creatures posing as her. He chuckles. "Not yet, but it's just a matter of time," he banters back.
She smiles. "Actually, John, I thought by now you'd have seen the light..."
He lifts his eyebrows. "Meaning?"
She shakes her head, clearly disappointed. "I've been gone for two years, John. I thought by now you two would have realized such a close friendship cannot mean just that. Aren't you two tired of bickering all the time and not going forward instead?"
He winces but decides to ignore the true meaning of her words. "Ah, well, that's our routine, you know. That's how it works, 'Lizabeth. It always has."
She nods in agreement. "And yet, you cannot tell me, John, you're satisfied with being so lonely – neither of you," she points out. He startles. So unlike Elizabeth to state the ugly truth. She smiles and tentatively lays a hand on his. He's sent the guards away, contending he can take care of himself and certainly doesn't need his men to overhear his conversation with his long-lost friend. Now he's sure glad he has. "I don't want to make you squirm, John. I know you're not a people person. You don't talk easily about your feelings. I just wanted to make sure you understood the chance you two have to have each other. Life is short, John, and the future is uncertain. Make the most of your life while you can. I do not regret anything. I do hope no one in our City, and especially you, John, will pass the opportunity to get their happy ending."
He wakes up around four. Her head is still tucked under his and one of her arms has sneaked around his waist, drawing him closer. He breathes in and out, schooling himself. He hasn't forgotten their last evening on Earth or their night on the bunk bed. He hasn't forgotten how good it had felt to hold her and wake up with his arms around her, how his spirits had lifted in spite of his grief. It seems history repeats itself and she only allows herself to warm up to him when he needs it the most and only then. He remembers coming clean about it with Teyla one day, one more day when he had allowed himself to imagine what it would be like to make it a constant in his life.
"She says she has learned her lesson, John – the hard way. She does not want to let anyone near her again. You can't blame her. She has never been lucky until now. She has taught herself to believe it is not for her and that she doesn't need it," Teyla had said.
He sighs in her hair and she shifts in his arms, cuddling even closer. "God, Louise, you're killing me," he whispers in her hair, more to himself than to her.
He thinks for a moment she's heard him because she starts talking but she's just mumbling in her sleep. "John, please, don't... Don't leave me alone."
He wraps his arms tightly around her and rubs her back gently. "I promise I'll never leave you."
She must be half-awake now because he hears her mumble "Don't make promises you can't keep. Everyone leaves me. Can't beat fate." Then she falls asleep again.
He makes the silent pledge that he'll honor Elizabeth's sacrifice by trying to live according to her conversation with him and that no matter what, he'll always try to come back to Louise. But the rest of Elizabeth's hopes for them lays in his stubborn little cook's hands.
When he wakes up an hour later, she's gone. He must have been sound asleep for the first time in months not to feel her slip away. He finds her in the kitchen, planning the evening meal in honor of their lost friend. She looks deceptively cheery as she's writing a new entry in her leather-bound cookbook.
He kisses the top of her head, still feeling sleepy, and plops down next to her. "You writing for who this time?" he asks.
"Elizabeth. She told me yesterday about how she missed food, experiencing new tastes, but most of all sharing a meal with us all so I thought we could..." she asks tentatively. He nods quietly and she rewards him with a smile and a peck on his cheek.
"What will you cook?" he wonders, looking at her open cookbook.
"She mentioned a few things I'd prepared a couple of times and she remembered. I thought we could have those tonight."
He walks her to her quarters that night as he always does but she doesn't let him in.
"I was kind of hoping we'd finish watching that movie," he mentions, hoping to lure her back to the TV room.
She shrugs but shakes her head. "Look, I'm tired and I'm sure you are too. I don't want to be rude, John, but you have to understand – last night was a one-time thing."
He nods ans tries to hide his hurt. "Sure, tired, one-time thing, got it. Rest well," he says and rubs her arm before heading back to the nearest transporter.
None of them gets much rest that night.
TBC