Chapter 56
Spoilers for Enemy at the Gate/ end of season 5 – but a few chapters to go, though ;)
"Let me come with you, John," she begs with beseeching eyes.
He shakes his head stubbornly. "You stay right here, Louise. I'm not taking you back to Earth. You'd only be in my way."
She scoffs and glares at him. "Thank you for the vote of confidence! I can help, you know. I'm not totally useless."
He drags her gently to the other end of the gate room, looking for a semblance of intimacy. "Sweetie," he whispers, bending towards her, "they've asked me to man the Chair. I'm already on it. And, yes, I confess – I don't want to have to worry about you. Hopefully, the City will protect you all. I know we're flying it back to Earth but there's still a chance our own ships will stop the Hive before we have to. Look, you're third in line for the Chair. Beckett is coming to fly it but if need be, I want you right here."
"You know Carson will do just fine," she protests. "I don't like you going there on your own. You should be with us. This is where you belong."
He smiles at her and caresses her cheek. "Thank you for that. And it does pain me to have to abandon you all but there's no other choice."
She leans into his touch, not caring who's watching them. "Just promise me you won't do anything reckless," she asks, her eyes boring into his.
He looks away. "Sweetie, I can't promise you that."
She gasps then growls. "Damn it, Sheppard! I need you to return to me in one piece." She feels the tears streaming down her cheeks before she can stop them. She brushes them away furiously.
He sees people walking past them briskly. It's clearly not the right time and place but if he doesn't do it now, he might never get the chance so he wraps her in his arms tightly and buries his head in her neck. She wraps hers instinctively around him too and sighs. "I'll do everything in my power to return to you, Louise. And in return, I want you to do the same. No gratuitous recklessness, OK?" She nods in his arms, not wanting to let go yet. He's the one who pushes her away gently, knowing he has to leave. He tilts her chin gently to him and looks her in the eye. "I need you to be brave, OK?"
She nods and sniffles. "Sorry, I'm a mess. Red eyes, runny nose, not very glamourous, uh?" she remarks self-deprecatingly.
He laughs out loud. "We're about to fight a Wraith invasion and all you think of is how you look, Rudolph?" he teases her.
She lifts her finger menacingly. "Not what I said. Don't twist my words, Sheppard." Then she sees his look and knows he got her there alright. She swats his arm, which makes him chuckle.
"There she is, finally. I knew your fiery nature was down there somewhere," he points at her chest. "That's the spirit! Hold the fort," he adds, grabbing his backpack, "I'll be right back."
He's walked through the event horizon not once looking back at her. She waits for him to be gone before she goes to sit on the stairs despondently. Amelia walks down the stairs and sits next to her. "You OK?" she worries.
She shrugs. "I have to."
"You feel useless, right?" Amelia says.
Louise chuckles humorlessly. "Yeah. I'm the cook. What can I do? Kick their ass with a ladle? But Colonel Sheppard is right. I'll be as useless there." She sighs. "I think I'm gonna head to the kitchen and see what still needs to be done."
"Ma'am," Amelia calls after her as she's leaving. "Colonel Sheppard said to keep an eye on you. I'll check on you in half an hour, OK?"
Louise huffs. "You don't have to do this. I'll be OK as long as I have people to feed."
She shakes her head as she enters the kitchen. Everything has already been taken care of. No need to dally here so she returns to the Control Room. "Anything?" she asks Chuck.
He shakes his head. "Nothing, Ma'am, but I'll inform you the moment we have something."
She huffs. "The wait is gonna kill me before we reach Earth," she growls, making him smirk.
"You're not a patient woman, Ms Léger," Woolsey tells her as he ambles into the room.
She pouts. "No, I'm not!"
"Like a certain Colonel I know," he points out.
"Yeah, he's rubbing off on me, I guess," she replies cockily. Woolsey chuckles. In spite of the strain she's under, she's still keeping her sarcasm and fiery temper intact. "Sir, I mean it. It's killing me and on top of it, I'm pissed. I mean, I can't believe we've agreed to help that Todd guy!" she exclaims.
Ronon is standing near the consoles. He steps forward. "She's got a point," he remarks.
"We're past this, people," Woolsey replies. "It's not about Todd and his feud with his underling anymore. This goes much deeper. And I have to admit, I'm glad he helped with the ZPMs."
She slaps her hand on one of the consoles, earning herself a glare from the tech next to her. "Don't tell me you intend to cut him some slack?" she exclaims. "I'm telling you, Mr Woolsey, Sir," she adds, trying to still be respectful, "if John gets hurt, I'll kill the guy myself."
Ronon smirks. Woolsey chides her. "Now, now, Ms Léger, no need to resort to such threats."
She glares at him. "It's no threat. No threat at all!"
She walks out of the room, her fists clenched to her sides. She feels useless once more. If they get out of this one alive, she tells herself, she won't let that happen again. They'll need to re-evaluate her position on the team because she sure won't allow for it. If they want her on Atlantis, they need to know she won't let them see her as the defenseless petite woman she was when she first came here. John needs to understand. He either gets the whole package or nothing at all.
"Ms Léger?" Woolsey finds her sitting despondently in her kitchen, a book opened in front of her, her eyes lost in the distance.
She lifts her head and looks at him hopefully. "Sir, any news from John? Or Rodney?" They've left almost an hour ago for a foray into the hive ship and she's worried sick, especially as they're themselves stuck in the middle of nowhere and unable to help Earth or know what's going on there in any way. She's asked to go with them but Woolsey has refused her. Neither in the team would agree to it anyway. They know Sheppard would never forgive them should something happen to her. "You're not cut out for that kind of mission, so that's a no, Ms Léger," Woolsey has told her sternly. She's stomped out to her kitchen and not come round ever since.
He shakes his head. "No, nothing. Look, I know it sounds bad but it's probably not. With the hive's gate supersiding our own, we can't contact Earth. We'll have to wait until we're there." He smiles encouragingly, seeing her look of worry. "And we might be there much earlier than planned," he adds. "I've come here to tell you Dr Zelenka is about to power the wormhole device."
She looks nonplussed. "Rodney told me about it but I thought his research was far from complete."
"We don't have the choice, Ms Léger," he sighs. "We either join Earth in the fight against the hive or we won't have to worry about anything anymore," he says ominously.
She gulps and nods quietly. "Can I help in any way?" she offers.
He shakes his head. "I just wanted you to know, Louise," he replies with a smile. He's reverted to calling her by her name, like he does when they are not on duty.
"Thank you, Richard. I appreciate." She attempts to smile but fails poorly.
"He'll be fine, Louise," he tries to reassure her.
She scoffs. "You don't know that. For all we know, he's out there, going top gun on the hive, ready to sacrifice himself to take them down."
He lifts his eyebrows. "He must be in the chair by now," he counters her gently.
She shakes her head. "You know things are never that simple with John Sheppard," she replies despondently.
She sighs in relief as Carson splashlands the City. She taps her headset and asks Amelia if they've heard from Rodney's team or John but is told that for now, they're having to process all the intel they're receiving from Stargate Command. "What were the last reports?" she insists impatiently.
"That Dr McKay was still on the hive ship and that from what we understood, Colonel Sheppard had flown his F-302 into the hive with a nuke," the other woman tells, wincing. She knows Louise is like her. She is resilient except when she's kept out of the loop. That drives her crazy.
Louise's hands start shaking. She breathes out, trying to keep her fears at bay. She thanks Amelia then severes the connection. She leaves the kitchen after giving a few orders to her staff and heads for the interrogation room where they're keeping the prisoner. "I want to see the prisoner," she demands. The two marines guarding the door shake their heads sternly.
"No, Ma'am. You need Mr Woolsey's orders first. He's in there already. You'll have to wait," she's told.
She paces in front of the room until the doors whoosh open and Woolsey makes his way out. She walks in before anyone has the time to react. "Ms Léger, no!" he snaps. She glares at him over her shoulder and plods on. "At least, leave your gun with the guards," he relents, sighing. He passes his hand over his face tiredly. He's just informed Todd of the latest developments, out of pure civility, he's told him. The rest – his life, as well as his freedom – lie in the hands of the IOA.
She hands her gun impatiently and enters the room with him in toe. She points her finger accusingly at the Wraith, looking and feeling murderous, running on adrenaline alone. "I'm warning you. If Sheppard does not return to us unscathed, I'll kill you. Pure and simple. No paperwork and no compassion. I've killed a Wraith before, I can do it again," she adds, staring him down.
He stands from his chair cautiously but sees she's got no weapon with her. "You're John Sheppard's mate," he points out. "I see he chose well."
She flushes and growls. "Who I am is of no interest to you, but no, I am not his "mate" as you say."
He tilts his head to the side and narrow his eyes at her. "Interesting..."
She scoffs. "What is?" she demands.
"How you defend him one moment and try to deny it the next. Humans are indeed complicated. I wonder if you're as strong as he is..." he wonders.
She scoffs self-deprecatingly. "Strong? You've not taken a good look at me!"
"I was not talking about your size, human. I was talking about what's in there," he says, tilting his head at hers. "You must be, seeing how connected you two are." He looks her in the eye and she feels a headache shooting through her brain, making her wobbly.
"Enough!" Woolsey snaps and grabs her arm, pulling her backwards. He points his finger at the prisoner. "If you ever want to see the light of day again, I advise you strongly against getting on my wrong side, or Colonel Sheppard's."
Todd roars with laughter. "She's got interesting thoughts, that one," he remarks, ignoring the threat. "Her mind is strong but her feelings? I've never encountered such a messy brain."
Louise glares at him, rubbing her temples. "I forbid you to read my mind. My feelings are mine and mine alone. And FYI, feelings do not reside in our brains. They are the stuff of our hearts, something you will never comprehend," she says disdainfully.
He scoffs. "I understand more than you think, Louise Léger. And you, in return, are not very insightful when it comes to sorting out your feelings."
She gasps and tears well-up in her eyes. If he's scanned her thoughts as she thinks he has, he's seen right through her, something she refuses to do for herself. She tilts her head cockily. "Then you know it was no empty threat – he doesn't come back, you're dead." She sees she's struck a nerve. She wheels around and stomps to the door.
Woolsey chides her as soon as they're out. "You should have been more cautious, Ms Léger. These creatures exploit every weakness."
She looks him in the eye coldly. "My compassion and worry for my friends are no weakness, Mr Woolsey. They're my strength. In the end, their lack of it will be their downfall."
Woolsey sighs. You don't pick a fight with her and hope to win. He notices she's allowed herself to talk about her feelings but has not yet dared use the word love.
"Hey," he greets her with a grin, "there you are!" She walks up to them with a smile and takes in the view of the ocean and the bridge in the distance. They make room for her so she can lean on the railing.
"I was just tying a few loose ends for dinner," she explains. "You guys must be hungry after the day we've had."
John pulls her to him with an arm around her shoulders then sneaks the other around her waist. He leans in and digs his head in her hair, breathing her in. "God, it feels good to have you safe here," he mutters, kissing her neck.
A few days ago, she'd still have minded but it seems they've finally found their pace. He doesn't push her but he needs to cuddle and truth be told, after all they've been through, they both need to reconnect so she wraps her arms around her waist, caressing his forearm, and leans back to settle against him. "I've always loved the sight of that bridge," she whispers to him. "San Francisco is my favorite city on Earth. It feels like home away from home."
"What do you say I steal a jumper and get the gang there for a tour and maybe dinner on pier 39?" he whispers conspiratorially in her ear, making her giggle. His five o'clock shadow is tickling the sensitive skin of her neck, just under her ear, sending shivers down her spine.
"I heard you, Colonel," Mr Woolsey informs him with a stern look but she sees the twinkle in his eyes.
"Ah, come on, boss," John whines playfully. "We've saved the day – again. Cut us some slack..."
Woolsey chuckles. "Want to give the IOA a heart attack?"
Louise giggles. "I'm sure he does. Actually, John, I've had a picnic prepared for everyone. Thought we could enjoy the evening and watch the sun set from the piers."
"That's an excellent idea," Rodney compliments her. "Actually, I'm ravenous. Is it ready?"
Louise snorts. "When are you not? And yes, it's ready. There's a buffet in the mess hall. You guys grab whatever you want and go sit outside."
They all start leaving. "You coming?" Jennifer asks her.
"In a minute," Louise replies and leans her head on John's shoulder.
Jennifer smiles at him and winks. "Sure, take your time."
They remain silent, enjoying the moment.
"I thought I'd lost you again," she finally confesses.
"I thought the same, you know." He kisses the top of her head. "We have to stop worrying about what might happen, Louise, and enjoy what we have while we have it," he sighs.
She turns in his arms and drops a peck on his lips, startling him. A smile spreads on hers, something he hasn't seen in a long while – a happy, lazy smile. "Definitely," she agrees. "Come on, let's join the others. I'm hungry too."
They've filled a tray for them both and are now sitting side by side with their feet dangling over the ocean. He tickles her. "Ain't it a great day?" he sighs with content.
Ronon agrees loudly, his mouth full. Louise stares him down so he chuckles and almost chokes on his food. She sees Amelia slap his back a couple of times then leave her hand on his shoulder. She tilts her head at them, her eyes crinkling with happiness. "I'm sure glad he's found someone," she tells John. "She's perfect for him."
He nods but changes the subject. "Mr Woolsey told me the City is gonna stay here for the time being. We'd better start making some plans."
She pouts. "I never thought we'd come back to Earth."
"Is that a problem?" he says, rubbing her arm.
She shrugs. "Actually, no. I could use a little vacation."
He looks besumed. "You? A vacation? I didn't even know you knew that word!" he teases her.
She snorts. "Well, look who's talking, Mister!" she counters, tucking her tongue at him.
He bumps his shoulder against hers. "I could use a little vacation with you," he offers. "Road trip along the coast? A little surfing here, a little sightseeing there, and long naps on the beach," he adds, sighing with content.
"You guys are planning a trip? Mind if we come too?" Ronon asks, butting in.
John rolls his eyes, making Louise giggle. "Sweetie," he informs her, "I'm afraid we're gonna have to rent a mini-van if we take all the kids with us."
TBC
I was listening to Billy Currington's I Got a Feeling when I wrote this chapter. It inspired me for John's behavior towards Louise. I guess he finally understands he needs to leave it on cruise control and let her choose when she's ready for more.