Chapter 3

Guilt

Giving them Katia's phone number was one of the hardest things she had ever done. It was out of her hands now. She couldn't believe it had all come to this. One moment she was so close to getting her sister back, and the next it was all gone. She felt like she was back at square one again. Back to base. Amanda was pacing, alone in the squad room. She had no idea how long she had been there. Her perception of time seemed to be momentarily gone. Was it day or night time? She couldn't tell.

Olivia suddenly entered, sensing the woman's nerves she tried to ease her discomfort by offering her a cup of coffee and a pastry. "You need to eat. Its all we have for now, we'll sort something decent out later."

Amanda was grateful and took a sip of the hot liquid. "Thank you. This is fine."

The detective could tell by the look on Amanda's face that she was desperate to find out about the call to Katia. Before she could ask Olivia told them both to sit down. Ones seated Olivia gave her a slight smile. "We tried to call the number you gave us but there was no answer and then we were suddenly disconnected. It's a prepaid cellphone so we can't track down the owner. Craigen is still trying and will let us know as soon as there is a breakthrough. The whole squad is woking on this case and we'll do everything we can, okay."

Swallowing another sip of her coffee she felt it soothe her aching throat. She closed her eyes and let out a shaky breath. "Oh god! I should never have given it to you. I'm gonna lose her."

Tears welled up again but just like the last time, the blonde was quick wiping them away. Olivia watched her struggle and she wished she could do more to help. She leaned over the table and placed a hand in Amanda's wrist. "Hey, you did the right thing. I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing in your situation. Desperation causes us to act out of character and cloud our judgment. I don't blame you." A single tear traced pale skin, but this time Amanda just let it be.

Olivia withdrew her hand. "Why don't we move somewhere more comfortable? I don't know about you but my butt is starting to get numb from these chairs."

The smaller woman managed to smile as they made their way to a more comfortable seated area. The soft couch was a hundred times better and warmer too. Amanda wrapped her arm around herself trying to keep warm as she visibly shivers. Olivia saw the slight tremble from the corner of her eye as she gestured for the blonde to sit down. She placed a hand on a stiff shoulder. "Have a seat. I'll be right back."

The brunette quickly made her way to her locker and pulled out a thick NYPD sweatshirt. Holding the sweater open for the woman she watched as Amanda hesitantly put her arms through the sleeves before pulling up the zipper all the way to her chin. She felt the warmth penetrate her skin immediately and let out a sigh. "Thank you." Olivia just smiled and positioned herself next to the woman and opened up her tablet that was lying in front of them on the table.

"I have a few pictures I'd like you to look at. Just tell me their names and everything else that you know about them if you recognize their faces, okay?"

Amanda gave her a shaky nod. She fished out an elastic from the pocket of her jeans and pulled her hair up in a loose ponytail, letting a few blonde strands fall down to frame her exhausted looking face. Olivia showed her the first photo from the picture gallery. These were the pictures they had previously taken during the steakout.

"It's a bit blurry but that looks like Cash, One of the pimps. I don't know anybody's real name but that's the name he goes by. He's quite well known in the business but he is very discreet. He makes a lot of money of his girls. Hence his nickname." She drained the last of her coffee.

Olivia was writing all this down on a piece of paper. "Good. Now this one?" She continued on by flicking her finger over the screen.

There were two men, both black. "That's Big Al," she pointed at the dark skinned man to the left on the photo then moving on to the right, "and that's T-Bone. They're quite new to the business but already doing well. They work together, splitting their profits. They have new girls coming and going all the time, more so than any other pimp I've come across."

"You're doing great, Amanda. Just a couple more." Olivia informed.

The next picture was dark but in the top left corner a woman was visible. "That's Tasha, my assistant. She runs the house when I'm not there. She just started working for me about six months ago. I don't know where she was before that. I didn't ask. Questions causes suspicion."

Liv scribbled all of this down in her notebook and flicked to the last photograph. "That's the six girls you just interrogated. Gia, Niki, Ebony, Latisha and Tami," she pointed to the last one, "and that's my assistant Tasha."

Olivia put the tablet away, placed a hand on Amanda's knee and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "You did a great job. Craigen will have us all working around the clock to find your sister. The system let you down in the past and I'm so sorry for that, it shouldn't have happened. But we are gonna do everything we can to get her back to you, that I promise."

All Amanda could do was nod. She didn't trust her voice to work, feeling another lump form in her throat and tried to swallow the pain that came with it away. Olivia studied her from the corner of her eye. The blonde looked physically and mentally exhaustes. She wondered how this young woman managed to come this far and constantly stay in her role and not blow her cover. To Olivia the small blonde was powerful and admirable. She felt a strange feeling of pride wash over her when she thought about what this woman must have gone through to get where she is now. To get to this point, being so close yet so far away from reaching her destination.

"Why don't you go home and get some sleep. You need to look after yourself. I'll call you as soon as we have something." Concern were evident in her brown eyes.

Amanda rubbed her hands over her face. "I can't. I've had about two hours of sleep every night for the past two years. When we find her I will sleep." She was determined and Olivia knew better than to try and talk her into something that she refused to do.

Olivia shook her head. "I don't know how you're still standing."

After hearing Olivia say that, Amanda looked down at her hands in shame. It was her fault that her sister was taken in the first place. She was suppose to pick her up from school that day but she was running late. By the time she got there she was already gone. The guilt was eating her alive from the inside out. She felt guilty if she slept, or ate or even attempting to smile. She didn't deserve any of those things until this was all sorted out and she got Kim back to safety. Taking a deep breath Amanda looked at Olivia, facing her with so many emotions written on her face it tore at Liv's heart. "I have to."

Liv frowned and cocked her head to the side a bit. "Well, you don't have to do this alone anymore." Pointing towards a door to their far right, Liv said, "If you wanna get some shut eye the cribs are through that door. I'll put a couple of towels in there for you and you can take a shower or just relax for a bit." She glanced down at her watch. "Its 05.27 am, just try to get at least an hour." She stood up and left before Amanda could say anything.

A few minutes later she arrived with two towels, an extra blanket, a pair of her own sweatpants from her locker and a cup of peppermint tea. She showed the blonde were the showers and the bathroom were before she turned to the younger woman.

"I got you two towels, one extra for your hair, being a woman requires it." They both chuckled a bit. "There's an extra blanket cause it gets really cold here in the winter, there's a pair of sweatpants to make you more comfortable and the most important of all," she handed Amanda the steaming cup. "It's peppermint tea. It works wonders on you stomach. I lived of it when I first started working at SVU. It really soothes and calms your tummy."

The exhausted blonde accepted the cup and took a sip. "Mmm, it's quite nice." she took another gulp before setting it down on a nearby table. Turning to look at Olivia she suddenly struggled to find the right words for what she wanted to say. She started to fidget until she finally gave up and sighed, looking straight into the detective's eyes.

"Thank you. I... I... I really appreciate everything that all you guys have done so far and..." she gestured towards olivia, "thank you, for being so kind to me, considering I'm just a stranger. It... It means a lot so... Thank you."

The older, taller woman smiled and she could sense the sincerity in the raspy tired voice. Olivia placed a warm hand on Amanda's arm. "Your welcome. I'll be back in a little while to see how you're doing, okay. Just make yourself... Comfortable. I'll be right back."

Amanda was left staring at the door the detective just shut behind her. It felt good in a way, that this was all out in the open and not a big secret anymore. After two years of hiding in a role as a Madame, fighting for her sister's return, she suddenly felt completely drained but relieved. She was also scared and weary how things were gonna turn out when she didn't have control over the case any longer. In some ways it felt like she had given her sister's life into the hands of strangers. Again she rubbed her cold hands over her face, trying to reason with herself that this was probably for the best. She had help now and people who knew how to handle big operations like this.

Grabbing the towels, she headed for the shower hoping the water would warm her bones.