Chapter 12

Breaking

The two hour nap did Olivia good since her body had been screaming for some proper sleep and a soft bed. She swung her legs over the edge of the bed and looked at the time. It was 5.36 PM. With sleep still in her system she stumbled to the bathroom to take a quick shower, washing away the past two hours of rest. She could have stayed there for hours just letting the hot steaming water hit her back and neck, softening up the tense muscles. Before turning into a prune she decided it was time to get out.

The fridge was empty and so was her growling stomach. Take out menues filled her top kitchen drawer and she pulled out her favourite italian one and placed an order of their homemade ravioli filled with parmesan cheese and basil pesto, a creamy tomato sauce to go with it, garlic bread and cannoli filled with sweetened ricotta cheese for dessert. While waiting for the food she got the plates, cutlery and glasses ready fot the two of them. She was just on her way to check on Amanda when she heard mumbling coming from the blonde's room.

Olivia knocked on the door lightly, not wanting to give her a freight. The mumbling continued maybe even a bit louder Olivia thought. She knocked again. "Amanda, are you okay in there?" Liv waited for an answer but was only getting more concerned as the time went. "Amanda? Im coming in."

The room was dark but the light from the hallway seeped through and Liv could see the contours of Amanda laying on her back tossing her head fron side to side, mumbling words that didnt make sense. It was obvious that she was trapped in a nightmare. Olivia entered the room and approached the bed. "Amanda, wake up. Its just a bad dream."

The detective couldnt make out a single word of what Amanda was saying, it was all a slurred speech with a few moans and whimpers slipping through. "Amanda, you need to wake up, honey. Its okay, its just a dream." Olivia placed a hand on her right shoulder but she instantly regretted it when Amanda's right arm swung through the air missing the detective's face by an inch. "Wow, Amanda?!"

She finally sat down on the bed, gently took a hold of Amanda's both arms and held her down, leaning over her body. "Amanda, its only a bad dream. You're safe here, honey. Its just me, Liv. Im not going to hurt you but I need you to wake up." She gave her a gentle shake and suddenly blue eyes snapped open and Amanda's sweaty body went rigid.

All she saw as a dark shadow hovering above her making her feel trapped and threatened. She let out a whimper that almost sounded animalistic, curled into a foetal position and covered her face with her hands. Olivia was at a loss. She didnt know what to do next and she didnt know what had happened to Amanda to make her react the way she did. Quickly she let go of her shoulders and held her hands up to show that she didnt mean her any harm. "Its okay. Its just me, Liv. You're safe."

Bringing her hands down, away from her flushed face, Amanda saw the concerned look the brunette was giving her. "Liv?" It was almost a question, not sure if it was actually Olivia sitting next to her on the bed or an imposter. It was indeed the dark haired detective.

"Yeah, its just me. You were dreaming, honey. You okay?" Olivia unconsciously rubbed the blonde's arm in a soothing motion. Amanda got uncomfortable, not being one for pity and affection she pulled away and quickly dried her tears.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a dream... its nothing." With a painful expression she sat up, wishing she had a glass of water and her painkillers nearby. "Sorry if I woke you up."

Olivia tilted her head to the side, concern still showing on her face as she watched Amanda's eyes flickering around the room. "You didnt. I was already awake. You sure you're okay? It must have been quite a bad dream to make you react the way you did. You were mumbling, tossing around and at one point you even lashed out." She paused. "You wanna talk about it? It might help."

Amanda shook her head and tried to push the images away from her dream. "No, its fine, I'm fine." She answered a bit too quickly. "Um, would it be okay if I take a shower? I just feel dirty from the hospital."

"Of course you can but I think a bath would be easier for you so you dont put to much strain on your shoulder and chest. I'll get the water started." Olivia stood up but stopped as she heard Amanda's voice.

"Thats okay, I'll do it." The blonde shifted in the bed and managed to get her legs over the edge but not without a fair share of pain. Her face scrunched up and she gripped at her chest with her good arm, willing the pain away. A hand was placed on her shoulder.

"Amanda, its okay to accept help from someone now and then. It doesnt make you weak or any less human. I can see that you're in pain and I want to help. Just let me do this, please?"

Amanda tried to take a deep breath but her chest felt restricted. She looked away, not having enough courage to look into the detective's face to see the pity that must have been written all over it. Olivia however was not showing her pity. She was expressing her compassion and empathy for the injured woman but she knew that Amanda didnt see it that way. "Amanda?" Liv tried again.

"Fine!" She snapped. "If it makes you feel better, then fine." Blonde hair fell into her eyes, greatful for the long tresses hiding her face. A pang of guilt suddeny hit her. Olivia was here to help and she didnt deserve the attitude Amanda was giving her and she immediately felt bad for snapping. Wiping away a new round of tears, she chocked out a 'sorry' and cringed at how pitiful it sounded.

The older woman sighed and sat down next to her, making sure to keep some physical distance between them. "Don't be sorry." Olivia spoke softly. "Yes, it would make me feel better but its not about me, its about you. How you feel, what you want and what you need. You dont have to do everything on your own, Amanda. Its okay to lean on someone else and accept the help they are giving. I can see that you dont trust or rely on anybody easily and I respect that. Im not gonna judge you and ask questions about it, I'm sure you have your reasons to why its so hard for you to trust or depend on somebody. Its okay to feel that way. All I'm asking is for you to have a little faith in me and to let me help you. Please!"

Olivia hoped that Amanda heard and actually took in some of the information she had just given her. She watched blue eyes close for a moment before opening. "Its not..." Amanda rubbed her face with her good hand in frustration. "Its not that easy for me to just start trusting you. I dont know you that well and..." She chuckled. "Hell, to me you're just a stranger and I cant afford to being let down again, I just cant. I want to trust you but I cant. Do you understand?" Blue eyes filled up with tears as she looked at the concern that was still present on Olivia's face. "I cant."

Amanda was close to breaking down at this point and, even though it sounded horrible, this is where Liv wanted the conversation to lead. She needed Amanda to have some sort of breakthrough, to knock down some of the walls she had obviously spent years building up to protect herself. But from what or whom?

Placing a gentle hand on Amanda's knee Olivia was trying to fight off her own tears. Whatever had happened to this woman previously was affecting her to a point where she had lost herself during the way and could no longer see good in people or trust in anybody. "Amanda, honey..." Liv was now using her soothing 'victim voice', as people had started referring to it that way, and she was determined to get through to this woman.

"There are good people out there. People who wants to help you and to see you thrive and succeed. People who are kind and giving and dont expect anything in return. I'd like to think of myself as one of those people but god knows I'm not perfect. We all make mistakes and we all do and say things that we probably shouldnt but that doesnt mean that all people are bad or out to get you."

Olivia positioned herself a bit closer to the blonde and felt Amanda tense up. That didnt stop the detective from reaching out to grab her hands in a firm hold. "I am here, Amanda, and whatever it is you're dealing with, I think its too much for you to carry alone. You dont have to talk to me about it. Maybe you'll be more comfortable talking to someone else, someone who is more experienced and has more knowledge. I just want to help you, sweety."

Amanda pulled her hands away, angrily. "You mean a shrink? You think I'm crazy? You think I'm some sort of freak who is too fucked up to take care of herself, not to mention someone else? Well, news flash detective, I've been taking care of myself since I was twelve and I'm doing just fine." Amanda was angry. So angry she was almost visibly shaking. She wanted to get out, to run away from it all but she knew she was more or less bedridden. There was no use.

Liv pulled her hands away and placed them calmly in her own lap, still looking at the furious blonde. "Maybe thats the reason?" Olivia said softly. "I dont know any twelve year old who can look after themselves. They're not suppose to. Their parents are responsible for taking care of their children, no matter what. I dont think that was fair on you. To put you in that position at such an early age. You were only a child."

Amanda snapped again, tears rolled down her cheeks. "SHUT UP! You have no idea what you're talking about. My mom did everything she could to put food on our table, to put clothes on our backs and made sure we went to school every damn day. She did EVERYTHING! You have no right to sit there and judge, so just shut the fuck up!"

Olivia didnt let the sudden outburst intimidate her. In fact, she was getting quite a bit of information out of the blonde and she was starting to understand her situation a bit better. "And where was your dad?"

Amanda looked her dead in the eye and spat, "FUCK YOU!" She started to get up. She had to get out of here before it became worse. She could not break down completely in front of this woman, she refused. The anger and frustration was building up in her chest, adding to the pain that was already there.

Olivia scooted closer to keep her from getting up. "Where are you going? You're in no condition to go anywhere."

Amanda lashed out, trying to get a punch in but Olivia was quicker and instantly blocked it. "Nice try, but not quick enough."

Again the blonde aimed and once again she was blocked. "FUCK YOU, OLIVIA!" Amanda was furious. Using her both arms she went for the detective trying to get in a punch but Olivia was stronger and not to mention uninjured and trained for situations like these.

Liv got a hold of Amanda's hands in one of her own, placed her other arm around the distraught blonde's shoulders and held her close to her chest, pinning Amanda's hands between their bodies. Olivia was afraid that all the moving and twisting about would cause more damage and she had to make a decision. Now, wrapped up in her arms, Amanda was still struggling to free herself from the close contact.

"LET ME GO! SCREW YOU, BITCH!" Olivia just held on tighter, closed her eyes and sighed.

"Amanda, stop it please. You're gonna hurt yourself. Please, just calm down." Her words didnt help. If not they were making the blonde even more agitated and determined to break free.

"STOP IT! LET ME GO! PLEASE, LET ME GO! DONT HURT ME, PLEASE!" She was hysterical, screaming and crying. It seemed like Amanda was having som kind of flashback or a memory and was now reliving it but for Amanda it was real. It was happening. She felt his hands on her body, his eager panting in her ears and even the smell of alcohol and cigarettes was present. Rough touches, painful punches and degrading words were being repeated in her mind. "STOP IT, PLEASE! I'LL BE GOOD!"

Finally she stopped struggling, took a deep shaky breath and when she let it out she screamed. It was a scream full of pain, anguish and sorrow. Sobbing uncontrollably Amanda leaned against Olivia's frame, needing support. The blonde kept mumbling the same thing over and over between heartbreaking sniffles and excruciating pain, "Please, I'll be good. I'll be good, I'll be good. I'll be good, daddy. Please, I'll be good."

Then, Olivia understood and no questions, comments or statements were needed. She understood. Not caring how inappropriate it might be or seem, Olivia lowered them both down onto the bed, holding on tightly but careful as to not hurt her or cause discomfort to her injuries. The blonde hid her face in the crook of the detective's neck and sobbed.

Liv stroked her hair and back, occasionally wiping away tears as they fell, feeling them creating a wet patch on her shoulder. "Shhhh, baby. Its okay." Olivia soothed. "You're safe, sweety, you're safe. Everything is gonna be okay. Shhh."

The brunette placed a tender kiss on a nearby temple. "Its okay."