Chapter 16

Heavenly

Standing by the side of the big hospital bed, Amanda was looking at her sister laying there, unconscious but alive. It all seemed so surreal and strange seeing her again for the first time in almost three years. She had grown taller and her body had followed natures course and she was now a young woman and not a little girl anymore.

Amanda was almost in a trance state, just looking intensely at Kim's face hoping to see blue eyes open but nothing happened, they remained closed. She noticed that Olivia was by her side and had placed one hand on her shoulder without the blonde even acknowledging it. The doctor was standing by the end of the bed with a chart in his hands.

"When will she wake up?" Amanda asked without taking her eyes of her sister.

The doctor sighed and shrugged his broad shoulders. "It's impossible to tell. She has a bit of swelling on her brain which could take a couple of days to go down. Her body is healing and it's her body's way of telling her to rest and sleep is the best treatment to recovery. We don't expect her to wake up within at least two to three days maybe longer."

Amanda finally looked up, her face still wet with tears, fresh and old. "But she will wake up right? I mean, she'll make a full recovery?"

"It's looking good so far. Most patients in these cases wake up within a few days and fully recover but..." he sighed again but knew he had to deliver possible bad news as well. "sometimes, on rare occasions, patients don't wake up or if they do they might have difficulty speaking, moving, walking or even memory loss. She was hit in the back of her head with something heavy and we frankly don't know how her brain and body will react to the blow and trauma. Sleep and rest is the best thing for her right now."

The doctor took a closer look at Amanda, her slight battered appearance, tears streaming down her face, dark circles under her eyes and underweight, made him wonder what had happened to her but didn't ask. "I'm almost a hundred percent certain that she wont wake up within at least fortyeight hours. You should go home and get some rest, don't forget to take care of yourself, she'll need you to be strong for her when she wakes up."

The doctor left the room leaving the two women alone. Amanda sank down onto the chair next to the bed, gently took one of Kim's hands in hers and dropped her head down onto the bed sheets, welcoming the cool sensation aainst her flushed face. It even felt surreal to touch her. After three years of not seeing her sister and suddenly she's sitting next to her, touching her, looking at her, it was overwhelming.

Once again her houlders started to shake from sobs. The relief was too great and with Kim now safely back in her custody it all became too much. While holding her sister's hand, crying her heart out, she felt Olivia standing by her right side, touching her shoulder gently. Amanda suddenly turned her body towards the brunette, wrapped her arms around the detective's waist, hid her face in Olivia's stomach and cried. She hated feeling so weak and vulnerable and she hated the fact that she was now clinging to Olivia like she was her only lifeline but she needed it and needing comfort and physical contact made her hate herself even more.

The brunette was startled when she felt the small body against her own, feeling her shirt dampen from Amanda's tears. She didn't care, all she cared about was to offer the blonde what she needed and ifshe needed to be held, Olivia was happy to oblige. She stroked the blonde tresses and quivering shoulders, hoping it would help ease her pain. Holding on tightly, Olivia whispered shushing noises and words of comfort.

She knew it was hard for Amanda to show emotions and breaking down like this, asking to be consoled, was obviously extremely difficult for her. She felt her own tears started to pool as she squeezed the crying woman tighter. "It's gonna be okay, honey. She's gonna pull through." Before she could stop herself she kissed the top of Amanda's head. "Shhh, it's gonna be alright."

An hour passed and Amanda was an emotional wreck. She kept touching Kim's face an hands, making sure she was properly covered and laying comfortably, all while drying her own tears as they silently continued to fall. Olivia thought the blonde was going to collapse from stress or have a nervous breakdown but Amanda was strong, maybe too strong, to let that happen but Olivia knew that everyone had a breaking point and it was just a matter of time before the walls would crumble. Taking care of herself was something Amanda wasn't use to doing. It had always been about Kim, her safety, her needs and wants. Never about Amanda and Liv decided there and then to make sure the blonde was looked after.

"You don't have to be here you know. I'll be fine. We'll be fine." Amanda finally spoke after almost a whole hour of silence.

Olivia sighed and walked closer to the blonde sitting on the chair. "I'm not going anywhere, Amanda. I'm making sure the two of you are safe and settled. Im not just gonna get up and leave."

Amanda looked up at Liv, slightly surprised. "I really appreciate all your help but we'll be fine. Kim is back and that's all I needed, you don't have to worry, we always managed to look after ourselves but thank you. I really mean that."

Liv placed a hand on her shoulder and looked her in the eye. "I know you do but I'm still not leaving until I know it's safe and if that is what you want. Until then I'm staying put." She tilted her head to get a better view of Amanda's face. "Besides, you can't have too many friends, right?"

Blue teary eyes blinked and a lone salty drop travelled down a smooth cheek. Before she could wipe it away, Olivia had already done it. Blushing, Amanda bent her head and nodded. "Thank you." She said quietly, her voice full of emotion.

Another hour went by and Liv could see the blonde struggle to keep her eyes open. She didn't know what to do, since she knew Amanda was so stubborn, it would be difficult to try and talk her into going back to Liv's place and get some rest. Amanda's apartment had been fully processed since the shooting which gave Olivia an idea. Maybe the younger woman would be more comfortable in her own clothes so she decided to try a different approach.

"I was thinking about picking up some of your things from your apartment now when CSU got everything they need. Why don't we drive out, get some of your things and go back to my place and get some food and rest. What do you say?"

"I'm not leaving Kim on her own." Amanda said with determination, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.

This is going to be tough, Olivia thought but she wasn't giving up that easily. "She's not on her own, sweetie. There's doctors and nurses all over the place, constantly checking on her. I can also get a uniform to stand outside the door if that would make you feel better?"

Amanda was quiet. It would make her feel better but it would make Kim feel better if Amanda was the first person she saw when she woke up. Her silence gave Liv a chance to try and persuade her to do the right thing.

"I know you want to stay, honey but you heard the doctor. She's not gonna wake up within the next fortyeight hours and you need your sleep so you can be there for her when she does wake up. You have to look after yourself too." She looked intensely at Amanda, knowing that she was definitely thinking about it. "You'll feel more comfortable in your own clothes and you can bring some of Kim's stuff with you to take back to the hospital. Im sure she would appreciate the comfort of her own things as well. It might help her heal faster."

Amanda felt Olivia's close presence. It was soothing, somehow, to know that she had someone there for her even if the woman was still somewhat of a stranger. Finally, Amanda looked up and nodded slowly. "Okay. But I'm coming back here first thing in the morning, no matter what you say."

Now it was Liv's turn to nod. "That's fair enough, sweetie. Im gonna let the doctor know that we're leaving and to call me if there's any changes. I'll be right back."

While Liv was gone, Amanda leaned in and kissed her sister's cheek and forehead. "I'll be back real soon, sis. I love you and nothing will ever change that. I know you're in pain and I know that you can hear me, so please, wake up soon. I need you,Kim. I need you in my life."

Sitting in her own comfortable clothes by Olivia's kitchen table, they were picking at the Italian leftovers from the previous night. Amanda had packed a bag for herself and one for her sister. Being back in her apartment, even just for a few minutes, brought back some surprising feelings and memories. She didn't think she was going to react the way she did and was slightly baffeled when she saw the state of the place.

Everything was intact except the front door and the hallway. The doorhandle was broken, her coat hanger was on the floor with jackets and jumpers scattered around but the blood, the old, dark red, now crusty blood, was making her nauseous. It was her own blood and there was a lot of it. A big pool where she must have been laying in when the paramedics found her and smaller drops and splashes around it.

Olivia had come up behind her and placed a hand on her lower back, in a comforting manner. She could see the pale face of the blonde and tears starting to leak down her cheeks. Tugging slightly she tried to lead her away from the horrific scene and a few minutes later they were out of there.

Watching Amanda play with the food on her plate made Liv wonder if she had done the right thing by dragging her away from her sister's side. "You need to eat something, Amanda. The food isn't gonna eat itself." Blue eyes glared at her from underneath her blonde fringe. "Please, for Kim?" Liv tried again.

"Leave Kim out of this. You can't use her like that." She snapped.

Liv sighed and held her hands up. "Im sorry, that was wrong of me, but you do need to eat, sweetheart."

"Don't call me that." Amanda said quickly. "Im not... I just... I... Just... don't call me that."

Olivia placed her knife and fork down on the now empty plate. "Why not? Why don't you like that word?" Liv tried to push her into opening up but knew she was probably in for a battle.

"I just don't, okay. Can't you just leave it at that?" Amanda got up from the chair, her fists clenched tightly and her breathing turned heavy.

The brunette studied her body language and knew she had striked a nerve of perhaps gone too far but the damage was already done, nonetheless. "There has to be a reason to why you don't like it, just like there's a reason for your breatbing to become heavy and the tightening of your fists. There's always a reason behind every feeling, every reaction and everything that you do, Amanda. I've done this job for so many years and I can tell when something is not right. I know something bad happened to you as a child and I just want to help you."

Snorting, Amanda started to pace, her body became stiff, her eyes cold and distant and the heaving of her chest had become more erratic. "Help me? You can help me by not asking so many damn questions. Im not one of your victims that needs saving, detective. I'm dealing just fine, so leave it."

Standing up herself, Olivia walked closer to the blonde. "Are you? Are you dealing fine? I don't think you are, Amanda and that's okay. We all have our own coping skills and we just have to find the one that works for ourselves. Maybe it worked for you at the start but I can see now that it's eating you up. You have to let go at some stage and face it. It's the only way."

"What the fuck do you know?" Amanda shouted. "You probably had the perfect childhood, loving parents, loads of friends, toys, clothes and food. You never had to wish for anything, did you? You had it all, right? Well, detective Benson, I didn't, we didn't, so shut the hell up, princess, cause you know shit."

Olivia remained calm and collected. She was kind of laughing on the inside from what Amanda had just said. If she only knew about Liv's childhood, perfect was far from it and she decided to tell Amanda about it. Maybe that way the blonde wouldn't feel so exposed and lonely.

"My mother was raped." She simply said. Amanda stopped dead in her tracks and held her breath. "She was an English professor and she was walking home late one night when some random guy grabbed her, shoved her into an alley and raped her. Nine months later, I was born."

Olivia could see Amanda releasing the breath she had been holding and she turned around to face the detective. Liv continued. "My mom hated the sight of me cause I reminded her of what had happened. She started drinking and became physically abusive and one day she fell down a flight of stairs by a subway station and died. She was drunk of her head. That was about fifteen years ago. I still don't know, to this day, who my biological father is and I don't want to. He's a monster for what he did to my mother and I hope he will pay the price for it."

Amanda was stunned by what Olivia had just shared with her and she immediately started to regret her earlier words about the perfect childhood. She wished she could take it back now but things had already been said. She looked at the stunning detective, taking in her beauty and strength. Liv seemed at peace with it and she wanted to know how the brunette survived all that.

Amanda took a few steps closer and was now facing Olivia, just two feet away. "Im sorry about your mother and for what I said. I shouldn't have said it, it just... I don't know, slipped out I guess. I really am sorry."

Liv just smiled. "I know." Was all she said, still looking intensely into Amanda's eyes and saw the regret. "I know." She repeated.

Amanda, then, did something that stunned the detective and almost made her paralyzed from chock. Amanda crashed into Olivia's body, slamming her lips against the detective's and wrapped her arms around her neck for further contact. It was a rough kiss full of want and lust and Olivia found herself lost in it. Amanda deepened the kiss by opening her mouth and asked for entrance which was granted when she felt Olivia's tongue grace against her own.

Both women let out a loud moan at the soft contact, pulling themselves even tighter together, hands roaming freely across areas that had been neglected way too long for both of them. It was a heat-and passionfilled moment that could've continued forever but Amanda finally pulled away, breathlessly. She gazed at Olivia's bruised lips, then met her eyes and saw raw passion hiding inside.

"Im... Im sorry, I... I don't know what came over me, I..." the blonde was suddenly stopped by the same pair of lips she had felt only a second ago. This kiss was different. It was more soft, gentle and full of care that is almost made Amanda tear up. The blonde melted into the kiss and moaned when she felt Olivia wrap her arms around her slender form and held her close, rubbing gentle circles on her back to ease some of the tension she found there.

Amanda felt a soft arm tongue brush against her lips and once again she opened her mouth for the detective. Their tongues danced around each other in heat and the emotions Olivia put into the kiss could easily be read by Amanda. It was care, kindness, comfort and so many other feelings that the blonde simply didn't have words for. It was heavenly.