Chapter 17

Friends?

The kiss ended and both women were quite chocked about what had just happened. Olivia knew that what she had done was wrong but the emotions were too strong, she couldn't hold back, it would've been useless. Amanda shivered in her arms, clearly stunned and nervous about the kiss too, not really making eye contact and the tension was building even more now that earlier. What had just happened, Amanda thought? Why did I do that? Im so stupid. Fuck!

She stepped out of the detective's warm embrace. "I shouldn't have done that. Im so sorry, it was not very proffesional of me, it won't happen again." She attempted to turn and walk away but was stopped by Liv's firm hand on her arm.

"Amanda, please don't apologize. It wasn't just you, it was me too and, in case you didn't notice, I wanted it to happen. I enjoyed it and I've wanted to kiss you for quite some time but I didn't feel that it was right considering the circumstances." Liv lowered her head to look into blue eyes of the shorter woman. "Please, don't run away, Amanda. It's okay to feel confused and overwhelmed over this, I understand, but please don't run away."

Amanda didn't know what to say. A part of her was relieved when Olivia admitted that she wanted the kiss to happen and the other part was scared of what would happen next. What was Olivia expecting to come out of this? Was she just looking for casual sex, friends with benefits or something more?

"What do you want from me, Olivia? Ive got nothing to offer you but trouble. I can't... I just can't... I..."

"I don't expect you to give me anything that you don't want to give. I like you, Amanda and I care for you but I can't make you feel the same way if you don't have those feelings for me. If you want we can just be friends, I'll find a way to work around my feelings and thoughts but I..."

"No..." Amanda interrupted. "I mean, I don't want to be friends." She looked at the brunette and saw disappointment written on her face and it tugged at Amanda's heart. "Sorry, that didn't come out right." She sighed, ran her fingers through her hair in frustration and continued, "What I ment to say was that I don't want to be friends with you because I don't think I can. I..." God, this was hard to get out of her chest. "I like you a lot too and I don't know where to go from here. All I know is that I like you as a friend but also more than a friend should like a friend and Im not sure how to..."

Liv stepped in. "Amanda, you're rambling, sweetie. Take a deep breath and start over." The detective had her hands wrapped around Amanda's upper arms, trying to ground her and make her feel more at ease.

The blonde did as she was told and felt her heart calm down to a, somewhat normal, beat. "Im not worth the trouble that will come of this, Olivia. I really like you, I do, but I can't expect you to..."

"Amanda, please, listen to yourself. Are you saying that nobody will ever care about you cause you're not worth the hassle? Is that how you look at things?" She just watched the blonde chew her bottom lip and turn her head slightly to the side, avoiding any eye contact. "You can't walk through life thinking like that. You deserve to be happy and if people in the past thought that you were a bother and only caused trouble, then that's their loss. Im not one of those people, Amanda and I promise you that you could never be a burden to me. You have to stop putting yourself down and cut yourself some slack. Don't be so hard on yourelf."

Amanda didn't want Olivia to see her cry, for the tenth time that day it seemed, and she quickly withdrew herself from the detective's firm grasp. "I... I just need to be on my own for awhile. I... Im sorry." and with that, Liv watched as Amanda shut the door to the guestroom to sort out her feelings and thoughts in solitude.

The rest of the evening were spent in separate rooms. Liv had tried to convince her to come out for some coffee or tea but the blonde simply said that she was tired and was going to bed. Olivia turned the tv on for some noise in th background. She found it comforting, at times, to walk around the apartment doing necessary things like cleaning, washing up, laundry and organizing while the buzzing sound from the tv streamed through the rooms.

Right now though, she was too anxious to do any house work. She kept pacing, walking from room to room trying to find things to do but didn't find the energy or the self discipline, to do so. Finally she sat down on the couch and realized how drained she felt, both physically and emotionally. She could only imagine how Amanda must be feeling after so many years of searching for her sister, doing things she probably promised herself as a young woman to never do but ended up doing anyway because the lack of choice she had been given. The detective almost jumped out of her skin when she heard Amanda's voice from behind.

"This tv show is quite good."

Liv turned and saw Amanda standing a few feet away in her own pyjamas and robe. She almost looked like a little girl going to bed, just waiting for someone to come and read her a story about princesses, castles and horses. "Hi." Liv said. "I thought you had fallen asleep."

Amanda came closer, holding her pill bottle in one hand. "No, I couldn't doze off. I just came out to get a glass of water for my meds."

Liv quickly stood up and headed to the kitchen. "Why don't you sit down and I'll get it for you." Before the blonde could protest, Olivia had already filled a glass which was greatfully accepted and emptied within seconds.

"Thank you." Amanda walked around the sofa and sat down slowly, twitching in pain as she did so. Cursing herself, Amanda knew she should've taken them earlier but with everything that happened, she simply forgot.

"Are you in a lot of pain?" Liv asked worried as she sat down close to the blonde.

"It's not too bad. It's my own fault, I should've taken them earlier. I'll be fine in a while." She turned her attention to the tv while fidgeting with the rope around her gown. "Rizzoli and Isles?" She stated. Liv just looked at her like she had grown five heads. Amanda laughed, which sounded like music in Liv's ears. "The tv show, it's called Rizzoli and Isles." She got herself more comfortable on the couch which caused her to move slightly closer to the brunette. "The dark haired one is Jane Rizzoli. She's a homicide detective, a really good one, always solving the crime within an hour." Amanda smiled as she looked up at Liv causing the brunette to break out into a beaming grin.

"Really? Only an hour? Wow, she's making me look bad." She chuckled.

"Don't sell yourself short, detective. You'll get there." Amanda joked and continued. "That's Dr Maura Isles, she's the medical examiner and also Rizzoli's best friend and together they both solve crimes just under the hour."

Liv looked amused, happy that the blonde was talking to her and even cracked a joke. For a second everything felt normal. Amanda was no longer in danger, Kim was temporarily forgotten about and everything was seemingly perfect. It only lasted a couple of seconds before the two were brought back to reality when there was a knock on rhe door. Quickly, Olivia was in full cop mode. She unholstered her gun from where it was hanging underneath her coat on the coat hanger and positioned it perfectly between both hands.

Amanda could feel her heart race. Was it just someone that Olivia knew or could it be related to Kim's case? She watched as the brunette, with caution, made it to the door and had a look through the peep hole. Seeing Olivia's relieved face she instantly felt safe again.

"Elliot, what are you doing here?" The tall woman let him in and quickly closed the door and locked it. "You could've at least given me a heads up, partner."

Elliot held his hands up in a mocking way. "Don't shoot, Liv. Im unarmed." He took a step inside and noticed the blonde sitting on the sofa, he nodded his salute "Ms Rollins."

Amanda shakily stood up and gave the male detective a slight nod back. She was on edge again. Even though she knew that Elliot was on her side she couldn't help but to feel a bit uncomfortable around men. It had always been that way ever since she was a child and she didn't tink it would ever go away.

Olivia put the gun back in it's holster an offered her partner a cup of coffee, which he declined. "Im not staying, I justvwanted to check on you, see if you were okay or needed anything? I haven't seen you in a few days so I decided to pop in on my way home. How are things going? How is Kim?"

Liv sighed and leaned up against the kitchen counter. "She's still unconscious but alive. The doctor thinks that she will wake up hopefully tomorrow or the day after. All we can do is wait but we're hopeful, it's looking good." She glanced at Amanda, giving her a reassuring smile which was returned. Elliot noticed the eye exchange and frowned.

"Liv, can I talk to you for a second? In private, please."

Olivia raised her eyebrows in confusion. "Um, sure."

Amamda got the hint and stood up. "Im just gonna, um, use the bathroom. Excuse me."

Once they were alone Elliot came closer and spoke in a low voice. "What's going on between you two?" Liv tried to look oblivious and pretend she hadn't a clue what he was talking about. "Oh, come on Liv, I saw the way you two looked at each other. What's going on?"

Olivia kept her face, not wanting to give anything away. "Can't two women just give each other a smile?"

Elliot shrugged but wasn't fooled. "I guess, but it looked like more than a smile to me." He tried to hide his smile. "Anyway, Im glad that you're both okay and it's nice to see you... " he thought about what to say for a second, "happy." He finished, reading Olivia's face like an open book.

Chuckling, Liv punched him playfully in the shoulder. "Whatever, partner. Go home to your wife and kids and don't have any dirty thoughts or dreams about me and Rollins." El laughed and shook his head before exiting, leaving Olivia with a smile on her face.

She knocked on Amanda's door. "He's gone. Can I come in?"

The door opened and the blonde revealed herself. "It's you place, you can do whatever you like."

Liv nodded. "True, but as long as you're staying here I will respect your privacy and wishes. Im not just gonna barge in on you." There was a short silence. "You coming out to finish the cop show where they solve the crime in less than an hour?" Liv smiled and winked, trying to get the blonde to come out and not just isolate herself in her room.

"Sure." She said absentmindedly.

Half way through the show Liv turned towards Amanda who was engrossed in the story line. "Is there some kind of relationship going on between the two women or is it just something they put out there for people o believe that there is? They seem very close to each other, almost like a couple."

Amanda shrugged and smiled. "I think they did it on purpose so that the viewers will think that something is going on and to make the show gay friendly. I don't know, people believe whatever they want to believe, I guess."

Liv pursed her lips and thought for a while. "And what do you think?" She finally asked.

"I think that they're just close friends. There is nothing sexual between the two what so ever but I do like the kind of relationship they have. They trust each other with their life and they are honest and protective of one another. I wish I had that."

The brunette could detect he sadness in Amanda's voice as she spoke. She wanted to give Amanda all that, the sense of security, honesty and care. Gently Olivia took a hold of a nearby hand and gave it a squeeze. "You do."