A/N: here is a bit sooner thnx to new reviews and new followers. Welcome aboard, it's nice to be read. So here goes...

No spoilers

Beta-ed: TattoedLibrarian

Jack sat alone in the boat rocking on the waves and discovered he wasn't enjoying himself. He was frightened, so much that he had to hold himself down not to climb up and run across the street to find Ianto. The anxiety attacked him as soon as Ianto disappeared from sight. He hadn't experienced it quite so sudden and strong before, but he blamed it on the missing year. It made him more aware of how fragile people were. When he came back he was overwhelmed by all those alive and carefree people, by his team unscratched, Ianto whole and neat. He was too preoccupied by getting Ianto and keeping him at safe distance that in the process he didn't think about loss, just about getting in too deep.

Now sitting alone in the dark, out of sight, and without an overview he felt the panic rising up. He couldn't help it; he saw a car making a fast turn, robbers showing up at the diner, a trip in a step, broken glass flying around, a car bomb, alien attack, poison in the coffee, and it just went on. Jack was very imaginative when it came to ways of dying. If it's there, he probably had done it, or he would in the near future. But he hadn't had the luxury to give in to that fear, to indulge to himself and go to check to see Ianto walking along safely and carefully, because if he did, it would never stop. He knew, because he'd been there before. He tried to protect his wife, and she ended up hating him and fearing him at the same time. He had lost so much to Torchwood and in time he had lost his bearings about what he could do for others, and what was over the line, making a decision for someone else, not realizing when his concern became a prison. That's why he chose to do less, because it was safer option, his protectiveness had no bounds. He knew he would lose everybody eventually; there was no helping that, but accepting it when you care was a whole other ball game.

That's why for him being in relationship was all about balancing between fears, desire, and being ready to let go. He rubbed his face and with a deep breath calmed down his feelings, he knew how to do that, he had practice. He could do this for Ianto, that Ianto could be himself, to walk sidewalks, go on missions, and just live his life. He already made that call, he just had to do it again, from a more attached place than before, besides Ianto was cautious, he didn't know a more careful and hesitant person. With that thought Ianto was on top of the stairs.

"Catch" he said and threw down the thermos bottle. Jack almost dropped it.

"Hey" he yelled at Ianto's descending form. "It could have broken and spilled all over me."

"And you're so unaccustomed to dirt, mud, mucus and stains." Ianto deadpanned and turned around with his eyebrow raised "Besides, I thought you had cat-like reflexes."

"But I do" Jack reacted quickly and grabbed Ianto by his waist. "Wanna demonstration?" He grinned widely and Ianto paused for awhile, but then he regained himself and pushed Jack away.

"You can demonstrate your navigational skills and put us somewhere nice, I won't stand here and look at this mossy wall." He took the blanket and sat on the bench.

"Aye, Aye sir", Jack mimicked a sea captain and sought out a good spot to see the city. "Is this to your liking" he asked formally. Instead of an answer Ianto lifted his arm and opened a space beside him.

"I'm happy to oblige" said Jack and slide in. Ianto covered his shoulders with the blanket and passed him the coffee. "Not willing to exchange words anymore?" Jack inquired a bit baffled by his silence. Ianto shrugged his shoulders.

"It's just things I'm not willing to ask" he said curtly.

"Well we'll have none of that Mr. Jones. Your rules" he pointed out. "Besides, I'm more curious of the things you're not willing to ask, than the other ones."

Ianto just shook his head and leaned his forehead to Jack's shoulder. Jack reacted instantly putting his arms around him.

"If it's all fun and games" he mumbled out "I'm not willing to play that way. No matter how good and exciting it is. I just don't have a switch to turn my emotions off. It's not that I demand you to be someone else, I know you, but you don't know me. I care too much and you can't even stand to worry."

"Ianto" he rubbed Ianto's back and whispered in his ear "I do know you, better than you think, and that is exactly what I came back for. You're willing to let me be me. So in return you can be whoever you are. I'll take grumpy and mad, even whining, it's all ok to me."

Ianto backed away and looked at Jack offended.

"I'm not whining" he said determined. "It's the coffee, it's awful."

"I've had worse" Jack shrugged his shoulders and maneuvered his hand on Ianto's back to reach some bare skin between Ianto's jeans and shirt, he had to pull out his t-shirt to do so, but Ianto didn't complain. "But, just to be clear, it's not all fun and games, but is it allowed to be fun most of the time?" He asked innocently.

"Yeah Jack". Was it his imagination, or was Ianto's voice suddenly husky "it's ok if it turns out to be fun. I'm not great at that, it would be a change" with that he leaned in and tasted Jack's lips. Jack smiled and kissed back.

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