A/N: here is new angsty ch, some of Ianto's inner musings

No spoilers.

Beta-ed: TattoedLibrarian

Ianto climbed the ladder pretty satisfied with himself. He held his ground, got his punch line, and managed to withstand attacks of Jack's charm, which wasn't a small accomplishment. He jumped on the pavement looking ahead to the lights of the diner, he was about to step on the road when the squeal of breaks made him jump backwards. A car was drifting on the road trying to stop before hitting a lamp post. When he finally stopped the man at the wheel got out of the wreckage and shook his head trying to understand what he was seeing.

"Don't drink and drive, you idiot" a man that was just behind the lamp post shouted out.

"I didn't" man defended himself and Ianto rushed to walk away, he didn't have time to deal with it. Nobody was hurt and Jack was waiting for him. He continued to walk a bit shaken, not so amused anymore. If he had been a second faster he wouldn't have been able to jump away quick enough. As he approached the diner he noticed broken glass all around it, it crumbled under his feet as he entered the lit up interior.

"Aren't you a lucky one?" man behind counter yelled at him, Ianto looked back, but there was no one behind him. "You just missed a pointed gun, why do they think it's fun to look at a gun barrel?"

"Coffee to go?" Ianto lifted his thermos bottle not knowing what else to say.

"Why not, but only if you have exact change, because we're emptied out" sighed the man "why did he have to smash my window too? It's more costly than the few bucks in the cash register" the man ranted on as he filled Ianto's coffee.

"Poison" said woman sitting by the counter like nothing had happened "you should have offered him coffee with the money and poisoned it" she mused passionately "that would get him on the street where he couldn't shoot us, and he wouldn't do that again."

"Poison?" answered man pointedly handing Ianto his thermos. "I don't have poison, where would I get it, where would I keep it to put it in there quickly?"

"Well I'm sure you could get it somewhere" the woman thought about it seriously, Ianto put exact change on the counter, man didn't look at it; he was preoccupied by the woman talking "and you could keep it by coffeemaker in a small pocket to slip in while he's not looking."

Ianto walked away ascribing their behaviour by the recent shock. People were strange under shock. Nevertheless they disturbed him and he looked behind as he was walking so he didn't see the step, tripping forward almost crashing to the ground. He managed to regain his balance, but he felt shaken like something would jump from behind the corner and attack him.

It was just nerves he convinced himself, the few accidents he just saw, Jack's talk about jinxes, nothing real. Regardless he found himself quickening his pace, rushing back fearing he wouldn't find Jack in the spot he'd left him that he would just vanish without a trace or record. He wouldn't even know if he was flying around with the Doctor. Ianto would be left with doubt that Jack was out there, just out of reach, drowning over and over again chained to the bottom of the bay, unable to scream. That Ianto would just pass by him not noticing while he died over and over again. As he reached the edge of the bay he stopped to look over and check if he was there. His breathing even out and he leaned over.

Jack was there. Ianto was washed away with relief but it was accompanied with anger at him for causing him such fear, he wanted to punish Jack. It was Jack's fault Ianto cared so much. So Ianto threw the thermos bottle at him.

"Catch" he said when the bottle already left his hand. He wasn't really surprised when Jack managed to catch it; he was like that, flawless.

They threw words at each other and Ianto ended up in Jack's arms. Of course Jack managed to do that, but Ianto pushed him away. He was agitated by the wall, waves, night, everything. Jack seemed unfazed by it all, so Ianto had to tell him to move them away. As they got some distance from the city Ianto felt like he could breathe again, like his anxiety melted away leaving something mushy and sad, he felt like crying or screaming, but he clenched his jaw keeping it all inside, looking at Jack's magnificent back as he drove. Ianto wished he would drive them away on the sea, away from the city. Ianto wished he could just turn him around, shake his shoulders and make him tell all his dark secrets, all his hidden sorrows, to show every little pain he ever felt. Ianto wished Jack could not just say all those things, but to show them, and let Ianto dig deep, and just clean it all from inside out. He could see himself with a mop inside Jack's chest, cleaning until he was as flawless inside as he was outside, until he didn't feel any more pain. Ianto didn't have much life to live, he always felt he'd die young, it was a fatalism of his, maybe because of his father, but it was there so if he even wanted a chance at that cleaning mission he had to speak up, starting now, before his time with Jack was up. But he feared Jack had a whole other plan for him, he feared he planned to keep him at arm's reach like everyone else, and just pull him near when he needed some warm body to entertain him while something important happened.

"Not willing to exchange words anymore?" it was like Jack could read his mind and Ianto tried to hold down a stream of words in his throat, but Jack came closer and inquired further so some of that inner turmoil spilled out. Ianto hated when that happened so he leaned on Jack's shoulder to hide his face.

"I'll take grumpy and mad, even whining, it's all ok with me" Jack said and Ianto backed away.

"I'm not whining" Ianto said angrily, he said almost nothing "it's the coffee, it's awful" and he probably wouldn't say anything if it tasted any better.

Jack reached around and Ianto let him to find a way to his skin, it was awakening to feel warm skin, like his blanket of anxiety was lifted from him and was replaced by burning desire. Suddenly fun didn't look bad at all, just to lay back and be savoured, it wasn't bad at all. That's why he leaned forward to get some more warmth and skin. As Jack kissed him back Ianto felt his skin burning with demanding need to be touched, he wanted to be wrapped in Jack, to lose his mind. He was just about to jump on Jack and tear his shirt that was in the way when he finally realized he wasn't himself, not really.

He pulled himself off Jack and jumped up.

"I've jinxed us" he shouted out.

Feel free to express yourself.