Chapter 21

Conflict

After agreeing to place Kim in the psych ward, Amanda felt horrible. She felt like it was her fault that she was there and that she couldn't protect her if she wasn't by her side. Olivia assured the blonde that she would be looked after and had even made a phone call to a friend, Dr Hendrix, that was a psychiatrist working with children and teens, at the very same hospital, to keep an extra eye on Kim. Amanda was greatful for that.

The visiting hours were now changed to only Wednesday and Sundays for two hours and Amanda almost had a heart attack when she found out. Liv had to step in again, trying to make Amanda understand that she would get the best treatment and the best doctors to get her back on her feet. The limited visiting hours were obviously a part of that treatment.

Kim would be moved first thing in the morning and since tomorrow was saturday, she wouldn't be able to see her until then. "I'll be fine, Manda. Don't worry so much. I know I'll see you first thing Sunday morning. You'll probably bring bolt cutters with you in case you wouldn't be able to get in."

"Damn right." Amanda said dead serious, knowing that her sister was joking and was trying to lighten the mood.

Liv chuckled slightly at the mental image she had of Amanda threatening to cut her way in, mercilessly. "If she doesn't bring the bolt cutters, I will. I'll even bring my gun."

Kim giggled. "That sounds reasonable, right Manda?"

The blonde was silent as she let her gaze wander to the older woman, standing only a few feet away. She couldn't understand sometimes, why Olivia cared so much. Was she just a sucker for distraught women or was it a genuine thing for her, a nurturing act, a helping hand or a motherly instinct? Would she act like this to every rape victim she spoke to or was Amanda special? She couldn't figure it out and she was afraid to know the truth behind it. Finally she snapped out of her thoughts, still looking Liv in the eye. "Right." she mumbled.

Amanda insisted on staying the night and it took Kim almost twenty minutes to talk her out of it. After saying their goodbyes and promising to see each other on sunday, the two women left the hospital. The car journey was once again quiet but it didn't seem to bother any of them. They were both lost in their own thoughts and feelings. Amanda didn't even notice that they were heading towards Olivia's place until she pulled up on the driveway.

Amanda looked confused. "Why am I here? I mean, I'm safe right? The shooter is caught and you don't have to babysit me anymore."

Liv sighed, trying to compose herself. Why was this woman so hard to break through to? Why couldn't she at least try to trust somebody and just let go for a little while? Try to ease her worries and see that life is not all that bad after all. "First of all, I'm not babysitting you, second, your here because I want you to be here and third, you might be safe but I don't want to take any chances."

The blonde just silently groaned and rolled her eyes. The detective's trained eye caught the movement, placed a hand on Amanda's forearm to get her attention. "Amanda, please, can't you see that I care about you? I don't want anything bad happen to you, or Kim, do you understand? I just want to make sure that you're okay and that you're safe. Please let me do that. It means a lot to me if you would stay at my place for a while longer. If not for you then do it for me, please?"

Amanda didn't know what to say or do. She was at conflict with herself, not knowing if staying with Olivia would be a good thing or not. It was an uncomfortable situation for her, and when scenarios like these appears she would usually run or try her hardest to avoid them at any cost. Her heart was beating fast, her hands were balled up into tight fists, letting her nails almost cut through the skin, and her breathing became shallow.

The brunette took a clenched hand and tried to, gently, pry her fingers open. "Amanda, relax your hands and fingers for me, please. You're gonna hurt yourself, honey. Please, look at me, Amanda! Please, just turn your head and look at me."

Olivia waited patiently for blue eyes to connect with hers, and when they did, they were filled with uncertainty, fear, doubt and tears. Liv felt her chest ache and tighten from the sight and the need to wrap the distraight woman into her arms became almost desperate. Knowing that it would probably cause more harm than good, she had to restrain herself from doing so.

Swiftly, she got out of the car, walked around to the passenger side and opened the door. Amanda still hadn't moved or made any sound. Crouching down to the blonde's level she gently coaxed her to stand up. "Come on, sweets. Just give me your hand and I'll help you inside."

Slowly, Amanda reached an arm out and turned to face Olivia, her face blank from any emotions this time. Liv quickly grabbed a hold of it and pulled her up into a standing position. "That's good, hon. Come on, just lean on me if you have to, it's okay."

When they were finally insde the warm and cozy house, Liv started to make them some tea while Amanda sat on the couch staring into space. The taller woman didn't know what exactly had happen for Amanda to react this way but se sensed that it was fear and dread, but of what, she didn't know.

"Here, have some tea, it will warm up your bones and make you feel better. Do you need any pain killers? Are you in pain now?"

Liv waited for an answer and finally Amanda seemed to snap out of her haze. "Um, no. No pain. Well, not more than I can handle." She took a sip of the hot liquid and tasted the variety of infused herbs, feeling it trickle down her throat and settle in her stomach, warming up her inides.

Liv fowned. "Do you want me to get them for you? Where are they?" brown eyes searched around the room in hope to find the bottle of pills.

"I'm fine, really. They make me sleepy anyways and I don't feel like slee... um, going to bed yet." she was looking down at the steaming beverage, fixing her eyes on the bottom of the cup, wishing she was somehere else. Somewhere she could be alone.

"Okay, just let me know if the pain gets too bad." Amanda just gave her a weak smile as an answer, hoping Liv would let it go and leave it alone. Olivia turned the tv on and another episode of Rizzoli and Isles was playing. She left it on, knowing that Amanda seemed to like this show.

They watched it in silence except for an occasional chuckle from Liv due to Jane Rizzoli's sarcastic humor. She found herself enjoying the series as well and decided to pick the option of recording every episode. When the episode was finished, Amanda stood up and announced that she was putting her pjs on. Liv saw the pained expression on her face as she had left the couch but didn't get a chance to say something before the blonde was already gone.

Liv got changed too and found Amanda's tablets on the kitchen counter. She poured two into her hand, filled a glass of water, placed them on the sitting room table and sat down, waiting for the blonde to appear.

Two minutes later Amanda walked in with a pair of boys flannel pants and a light blue t-shirt that matched her eye colour. Liv smiled as she approached the sofa, gesturing her to once again sit down. The blue eyes immediately noticed the glass and the tablets and felt her body tense up, looking at the two items like they were the pawn of satan himself. "What's this?" Amanda asked, pointing at the table. "I told you I was fine."

Liv could easily detect anger and annoyance in her voice but she remained calm and collected. "Yes, 'was fine'. Not anymore. I can see you're in pain. Why won't you take the pills? They're there to help you get through it."

Amanda ran her fingers through her hair, and once again, her breathing became shallow and slightly laboured. "Why can't you just leave it alone and accept that I don't want to take them? Please, just... don't do this."

Liv stood up and walked closer to the blonde. "Do what? Why is it so difficult for you to accept help when it's being given? I just want to help you and I don't like, or want, to see you in pain."

Amanda snorted. "You can help me by leaving me alone. I don't need them." she turned around, walked into the guestroom and shut the door with a loud bang.

God, it's like dealing with a teenager, Liv thought. She decided to leave the glass and the tablets on the table, in case Amanda would need them later, and headed into her own room to relax with a book she had started reading a couple of months ago. Free time did not come very often due to work so this was a rare occurrence. She kicked her slippers off, stretched out in her large king size bed and immersed herself in the characters and storyline. About an hour later she found it almost impossible to keep her eyes open and drifted off into a deep sleep.

"NO!"

The piercing sound made the detective fly out of bed, gun in hand, prepared for the worst. She had been in such a deep slumber and she was slightly disoriented and unfamiliar with her surroundings. Then she realized that she was in her own home, in her own room and holding a gun. She waited for something to happen, anything at all. Then, another scream filled the house and she knew it came from Amanda.

Quickly, she ran towards the noise and flung the door open, gun still in her hand. Amanda was sitting up in bed clutching at her chest, trying to control her breathing with a sheen of sweat covering her face. She had obviously just woken up from a nightmare and was now dealing with the aftermath. Liv lowered her weapon and cautiously made her way to the side of the bed. "Amanda, honey, you okay? What happened, sweetie?" she spoke soothingly, not wanting to upset the woman further.

Amanda struggled to speak, "I'm... I'm fine," she stuttered, "just a b... bad dream. I'm okay, go ba... back to bed."

Liv was clearly not convinced. "Honey, you're in pain and you're hyperventilating. You're not okay." she sat down on the bed, making sure there was no physical contact. "Did you take your medication?" Liv saw Amanda shake her head. "I'll get it. I'll be right back." the blonde was too upset to argue and soon she was looking at Olivia's outstretched hand that contained two small ivory white tablets. She knew it would be worthless to argue against it so she had no choice but to swallow them.

Liv took the glass and placed it on the nightstand. "You wanna tell me what happened?" she soothingly brushed a few damp tresses away fom a clamy forehead and was relieved when Amanda did not pull away from the contact. "Was it the same dream as last time?" Amanda nodded. "Was it about your father?"

The word 'father' seemed to have a negative response from Amanda, as she instantly curled up tighter into herself, letting out a small whimper. Liv didn't know what Amanda had been through or what her father had done to her to make her react the way she did, but she knew it must have been something really bad and horrific. Something a child shouldn't have to experience or witness. Ever.

The usually confident detective was lost for words and actions. When Amanda unwillingly let out another tiny whimper, Olivia tenderly took her hands and gave them a tug. "Come with me." she simply said. Amanda's teary eyes looked confused but found herself being pulled to her feet by the strong detective. The blonde got agitated when she noticed that she was being escorted into Olivia's bedroom and she started to pull away.

"It's okay. Just relax, sweetie. Im gonna ask you to trust me on this." Olivia pulled the covers back and helped the younger woman to lay down. She then got in on Amanda's left side and covered them both with the warm fluffy duvet.