Chapter 22

Never Let You Go

Olivia could hear the uneven breaths coming from her right. They had been in bed for about two minutes and Amanda hadn't moved, not even an inch. The distress was evident and made the room feel smaller and the air heavy. Liv could see that blue eyes were still open and staring up at the ceiling at nothing in particular. "You wanna tell me about the dream?" her voice was low and soft, not wanting to scare her by making any loud noises. Amanda shook her head fiercely and her breathing instantly became more laboured and raspy.

Olivia turned her head to look at the blonde and saw silent tears dripping down her cheeks and onto the pillow. The detective had to swallow her own tears as she scooted closer to Amanda. Her body shook with emotions that she wouldn't allow to let out or show to anybody, not even herself. "Tell me, Amanda. Tell me what your father did to you?"

Amanda whimpered loudly and shook her head. Again her fists were curled up, the nails making indentations in her palms, her jaw and mouth was clenched so tightly that Olivia thought she might break some of her teeth is she didn't stop. Gently, the brunette placed her own palm on Amanda's heaving chest, being careful to not touch her injury. "Shh, it's okay, Amanda. You're okay." she propped herself up on one elbow and used the other hand to wipe at the steady stream of tears. "Shh, just try to slow down your breathing, sweetie and you'll feel better, I promise. Just breath slowly and try to relax. Im right here with you."

Amanda was far away and could barely hear Olivia's voice as she spoke soothingly to her. She was trapped in a dark tunnel and there was no way out, just darkness that seemed to close in and devour her petite frame any second. Her chest was aching badly, her throat was closing up and her eyes were stinging with tears she tried so hard not to shed. She had been here before, many times, but this was different. Usually she would be able to snap herself out of it, distract herself from feeling this way or try to accept her feelings and emotions and just carry on from there.

None of that was working now. The tunnel had taken her too far in it's grasp and, no matter how hard she tried to pull free, the darkness seemed to clasp onto her tighter. There was no way out and when she heard Olivia's gentle faded voice, telling her that she was right there with her, she broke. The dam burst, the floodgates had opened up and she was on the road of no return. Her lungs were screaming for air, her head pounding from the lack of it and her heart was hammering wildly.

Opening her mouth, she managed to draw a deep breath with great difficulty. Afraid of what might happen if she let it out, she simply held it in. She was embarrassed and ashamed for having Olivia see her like this and she did everything she possibly could to not break down fully in front of this woman. Her pride was sadly crushed when she could no longer hold her breath and came crashing down completely undone.

Olivia was quick to act and turned Amanda over to her side facing away from her, so she could keep some of her dignity. She knew it would be easier for the blonde to breath that way. As Amanda let out a stiffled sob, Olivia scooted closer, pressing her body lightly up against Amanda's back, trying to ground her with some kind of physical contact. She couldn't just lay there and do nothing. It was not in Olivia's nature to stand back and watch other people struggle, especially not Amanda.

"You're okay, sweetie. Just let go, I'm right here." the detective was now fighting her own tears as she rubbed soothing circles over Amanda's quivering back. She could feel the heat radiating from the shaking form through the thick cover and gently pulled it down for some much needed air. The blonde sweat soaked bangs were clinging to Amanda's flushed forehead. The brunette carefully brushed them away, pursed her lips and blew out some cool air on her tear stained face to ease some of her distress. She repeated the gesture a few times, making sure that Amanda was not too hot.

"Don't be afraid to let go, sweetie. I'm right here, I've got you." Liv soothed while she continuously offered gentle touches and reassurance. Amanda just cried. She had no strengths left to fight and had no choice but to let go. Her pride, her dignity and confidence went straight out the window and what had been done, had been done, and there was no taking it back.

Minutes passed by, sobs turned to sniffles and erratic breathing became somewhat normal. Amanda felt so tired, so drained, so exhausted. Her body felt like led and her limbs were heavy and lifeless but her mind was clear and focused. She brought her legs up as far as she could and curled into herself, her skin beginning to feel cold.

The older woman replaced the covers over both of them and ran her fingers through damp blonde locks. "Hey, honey. How are you feeling?" she kept her voice low.

Amanda shrugged her shoulders, not knowing what to say. She didn't even know herself how she felt and for the moment she didn't care. "That's okay." Liv whispered. Another few minutes passed before the detective spoke up again, "Do you think you can tell me why you had such a reaction? Do you know what caused it?"

The blonde swallowed heavily. "I don't want to talk about my dad." she managed to say in a raspy thick voice. "I just don't want to talk about it. It's too... too hard. I just can't."

Liv hated to see Amanda so upset but still decided to push a bit further. "Why not? What did he do to you? Did he hurt you?" Amanda just curled up under the covers, whimpering slightly. "He hurt you, didn't he?" Liv prodded. Amanda finally nodded. Olivia hated herself for having to ask the next question but she had to know. "Did he sexually abuse you, Amanda?"

She regretted it as soon as she had said it. Amanda tensed up, covered her ears with her hands and started to rock her body from side to side. Liv wasn't giving up. She knew the answer already but needed to hear it from the blonde herself. "Did he molest you?"

The small frame continued the rocking motion, not wanting to answer the inevitable question. Admitting it, saying yes, would make the abuse become real and she didn't want that, she wouldn't know how to handle it or how to deal with it. Olivia was just as stubborn. They had gotten this far and all the brunette needed and wanted to hear was a 'yes'. "Amanda, did your father molest you?"

The word 'molest' burnt her ears, almost hurting them physically. It was a nasty word, filthy, disgusting and simply horrible. A word that should not exist, not escape anybody's lips or meddle around in anybody's brain, not even for a second. It should be forbidden.

As Olivia continued to push for an answer, Amanda broke for the second time. "YES!" she shouted, "Okay? Is that what you want to hear? Then yes, he did. He... he... touched me and... and did things that I didn't want him to do. You happy now?"

Liv sighed in relief. Finally, after hearing Amanda saying 'yes' the brunette wrapped her arms around the blonde and held her close. "It wasn't your faul, you know that, right?" There was no response. Liv tried again, "Its important that you know that. It wasn't your fault."

Amanda shifted in Liv's arms and turned to face the detective. "Then why didn't I stop him? Why didn't I tell someone about it? Why was I so stupid?" her anger was evident.

"You were only a child, Amanda. He was much bigger and stronger than you." Liv pleaded. "You were only a child, sweetie."

Blue eyes closed. "I still could've told somebody about what he was doing, but I didn't... I didn't." she shook her head in disbelief and confusion, mentally questioning herself why she hadn't come forward so many years ago. Why hadn't she told somebody? Why?

The brunette wiped away an errant tear that lingered on a well structured cheekbone. "Because you were scared, honey. You were only a child and you were afraid of what would happen or what he might have done if he found out. Do not blame yourself for his horrible actions. He's the bad guy here, not you. Never you."

Olivia was pleasantly surprised when Amanda moved closer to her and placed her forehead on the detective's warm and soft chest. "I wish I could see it that way." she mumbled.

Brushing back a few unruly tresses, Olivia placed several gentle kisses on Amanda's temple and gave her a reassuring squeeze. "You will. Believe me, one day you will. I'll make sure of it."

Amanda slowly drifted off to sleep, her head still burrowed in the brunette's steadily beating chest, her own arms clinging onto the strong detective, even in her sleep. A handfull of Olivia's top clenched tightly in her hand, holding on for dear life.

Olivia knew then that she would never let this woman go.