Chapter 26

Blame

Olivia was angry. So angry she could feel her heart rate increase and her blood began to boil and flow faster through her body. How could any man be so cruel, so vicious and evil? How could anyone do such a horrible thing to their own daughter, their own flesh and blood? She didn't understand it, couldn't understand it and would probably never do. The detective rubbed up and down Amanda's back in a comforting motion. "Now I understand why Kim is so important to you. You basically raised her as your own daughter."

"Yeah," the blonde snorted, "and look what a great job I did? She got taken from me and I lost almost three years of her life... and mine two. I couldn't function when she was gone, I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I didn't take care of myself the way I should have. I was in another world, in my own bubble." she swallowed with difficulty. "The things I had to do to get close to those girls were... horrible, unthinkable but all I could think about was Kim and that's what kept me going." she offered Olivia a sad smile, tears still brimming in her eyes.

"Amanda, don't do that to yourself. What happened was not your fault and you have to stop blaming yourself for something that was out of your control. No one is blaming you, sweetie. And I know what goes on behind closed doors. I've been doing this job for so many years, I know how things work and how businesses like that are run. You did what you had to do to get your sister back and that is all that matters. I'm proud of you, Amanda. Not many people would have gone through the awful things that you did to find a loved one. Im proud to know you and have you in my life and I know Kim is too. She looks up to you, like a hero and a role model, she loves you very much, I can see that." Amanda shrugged and wiped her face. "It's true. The way she looked at you in the hospital when you weren't watching, it was admiration."

Olivia brushed away a lone tear on her own cheek. "Why are you crying?" the blonde asked softly.

Liv just smiled sadly. "Because of everything you've been through. It must have been so hard for you... so awful and so... so lonely. I wish I had known you back then so I could have given you some kind of support and reassurance."

"You're here now." Amanda said quietly. "It... it means a lot. More than you know."

Liv squeezed her tighter and kissed her forehead. "Im glad I'm here now and I'm glad that you let me be here for you. I'm honored that you told me about your childhood and what happened to you. I know that you probably feel awful and exposed after opening up but I promise you that you'll feel better in a few days. Telling someone is the first step and when you've crossed that difficult line then everything will seem a bit easier from now on. Trust me."

"I'm trying to, but trust is something I'm not use to. I trust my dad with my life and then he betrayed me and did all those awful things to me." she fell silent for awhile. "I finally took off when I saw him coming after Kim. She must have been around five or six. She was in her bedroom changing into her pyjamas and that's when I saw him standing there, watching her get undressed and smiling to himself. He walked in and told her he'd give her a hand putting her pjs on."

The blonde closed her eyes and shook slightly from anger that was slowly building up. "I came into the room just as he touched her... down there and I just lost it." she started to feel sick to her stomach but swallowed her emotions and kept going. "I grabbed a baseball bat... the same one he used on me and... and hit him over the head twize. He sank to the floor, unconscious. I took a bag, packed a few things, took Kim and ran out of there." Amanda was weeping openly again and hid her face in the crook of Liv's neck for comfort and safety.

"Shhh, baby girl. Yoy did what you had to do. No one blames you. It's okay now, sweetie. Everything is gonna be okay, shhh." After Amanda had calmed down some Liv asked, "what about your mother? Have you heard from her or seen her since?"

Amanda sniffled and wiped at her runny nose. "I tried to call her a few times after I took off but she never answered. I guess she didn't want anything to do with us so eventually I stopped. I don't even know if she's still alive. I don't hate her. She did what she could, it's not her fault that she got sick."

Liv was in shock from what she had just heard. Two children, one still very young and the other a teenager, had gone through hell together. After hearing Amanda's story she felt more pride than she thought was possible. "Amanda, how did you survive?" she asked in awe, wanting to know how the blonde had taken care of them both with no money.

Shrugging, Amanda answered with a flash of shame in her eyes. "I stole food and clothes, just the necessities. I lied about my age and got a job in a club, earned my own money and they paid me well too. I found a place for me and Kim to live and then she started school. I know I broke the law but I didn't know what to do. We slept at a shelter before we moved into the apartment I got."

Olivia thought for a moment, "Would you like to find out how she's doing or where she is? I can help you find her, just say the word and I'll help you." the brunette offered.

"Thank you," Amanda whispered softly, "I think I'd like to but... I guess I'm... I don't know... afraid and ashamed."

Olivia stroked her blonde hair and tucked it behind a delicate ear. "I can understand that you're afraid, sweetie but ashamed? What on earth have you got to be ashamed of? You've done nothing wrong."

Amanda shook her head violently. "I... I've done... horrible things and I failed her. I just left her there with that... that... monster. How could she ever forgive me?" her tears were flowing again. She was sick of crying, sick of feeling so vulnerable and weak and yet she till couldn't stop the salty drops that trickled down her face. "How could she forgive me for what I did?" she sniffled.

"Honey," the tall detective tenderly kissed away the tears as they fell, desperate to ease her pain and guilt. "There's nothing to forgive. You did what you had to do to save your sister and yourself. You made a choice by leaving and it was the right one. If you hadn't left god only knows what could've happened. I'm glad you did what you did and I'm sure Kim is as well. You have to stop doing this to yourself or it's going to consume you. You survived and so did your sister and that's all that matters right now. If you hadn't put distance between you and your dad, then I never would've met you, and I am so glad that I did." Liv smiled, hoping she was getting through to the blonde.

Amanda avoided eye contact, still not believing in what Olivia was telling her. "I don't deserve you." she said quietly.

"Stop it!" Liv forced blue eyes to look at her. "There you go again, putting yourself down. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be whoever you want to be and you deserve to thrive. You deserve so many beautiful things and if I can be a part of that, if I can make some of that happen, then I would be honored. All you have to do is give yourself a break, try to see all the good thing you've done and all the good things you will do in the future. I know it's hard, sweetie but Im here every step of the way and I'm not giving up until you see what I see."

The blonde nuggled closer into Olivia's warm embrace, absorbing the warmth and comfort she found there. "Thank you." she whispered.

There was a comfortable silence between the two and Olivia thought that Amanda had fallen asleep when she suddenly spoke, "I feel uncomfortable and disgusting when someone... touches me in a... sexual way. I can't explain it. I just feel like I don't deserve to... feel good and it stops me from... you know... going there."

Liv could sense the unease coming from the woman in her arms but felt that it was important to talk about it. Amanda was finally opening up and she wasn't going to let this topic go, not when she had gotten this far. "What do you mean by 'going there'?" she asked gently, knowing that it was a sensitive subject for the blonde. "When was the last time you were intimate with somebody?"

Amanda hid her face in the crook of Liv's neck, not wanting to answer but knew that the brunette wasn't going to let this slide. "I... I'm not... I mean, I have been with... people, I just haven't had... you know..." she curled herself up into a ball, feeling the shame wash over her. "I just can't." she struggled to speak. "I don't think I can... you know, go all the way with... somebody. It's too... too personal and... exposing. I just can't."

Liv was glad that Amanda couldn't see her face in that moment. Her eyes widened and her mouth fell open from what she had just heard. Not because she was shocked that Amanda hadn't been with anybody, but because of how she felt and how little she though of herself. "Oh sweetie," the detective mumbled with feeling. "I'm so sorry you feel that way. I'm not going to push you or put pressure on you. I know this must be difficult for you to talk about so I'm gonna stop badgering you about it." she kissed the flushed forehead that was positioned under her chin. "Can I just ask you one question?" she gently probed.

Amanda nodded in confirmation. "Are you able to reach an orgasm?"she didn't wait for an answer before continuing. "I'm asking because sometimes people who have suffered severe sexual trauma can find it very difficult to climax and it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's completely normal and understandable and I want you to know that, if that's the case, I'm still here and I'm not leaving. I want to be here and I want to help you through this, in any way I can."

It took a while before Amanda finally answered in a quiet muffled voice, barely audible, "Only when I'm on my own."

Olivia knew what she ment and was relieved to find out that the blonde could at least experience sexual feelings and explore them further. "Okay, that's good." she soothed and decided to leave the subject alone. "Now, close your eyes and we'll get some sleep. I'm so glad we had this talk and that you felt comfortable enough to tell me. I'm really honored that you let me touch you and go as far as we did and if you want, I'd like to help you with all this. We can work on it together and you decide the pace. If you want to?"

Feeling her eyes getting really heavy with sleep, she still managed to look pull back and look Liv in the eyes. "Okay." she whispered before she once again burried her face in the safest place she knew, detective Olivia Benson's smooth velvety skin.