A/N: here conclusion of the Trickster chapters and then off to Tosh's sleeping soldier

No spoilers

Beta-ed: TattoedLibrarian

As Ianto put on his clothes he was very tempted to use the shower. It had been a long night full of fear and sweat and not only fear induced sweat, he was in need of a shower but he didn't dare. Getting out of Jack's man hole was tricky enough without having wet hair and an air of shower around him. He got out unnoticed just in the nick of time to stop Jack from blurting out something suggestive and stopping Owen before he could really get worried about Ianto. Owen would never forgive him for that. This way he got to mock him a bit more and Ianto got to answer how he never got his suit crumpled. That would soon become an ironic statement because he'd end the day in his undershirt even more in desperate need of a shower, but they needed to get to the new day for that. For now there was a cleanup and the discovery of a new type of time-bending bug. Nothing out of the ordinary, but then Jack explained further what would happen if the trickster succeeded and that made Ianto worry a bit. Sure, he refused a wonderful new life without strange aliens, vomit, blood, other diseases and ways to die, for this one where he cleans up after everyone and gets to shag Jack sometimes, but he didn't realize he was choosing for them too. He felt guilty for that. They were miserable tonight, but who could say they would be other days too, everybody had a bad day, some other job, another destiny would give them more company maybe. That made him unwilling to disclose his part in whole matter. Jack owed him that much and luckily it seemed he understood Ianto's silent plea. He made the decision himself so Ianto wouldn't be forced to tell all the details of his experience with double lives.

Jack ordered another coffee from him so he went to his office and put it on the desk planning to make quick getaway, he didn't need another reason for them to pry some more into the details of this evening.

"Ianto" Jack called out for him as he approached the door, he wasn't so lucky to get away quickly. He sighed and turned around, Jack looked at his papers. "Would you care to elaborate why I lied downstairs and why would I have to lie in my report. Just curious I guess, after what you did, you have a right to be a bit odd about it."

Ianto shoved his fists into his pockets and took a deep breath. There was no point in dodging the subject.

"As a matter a fact I don't feel all that comfortable about the whole thing" he said with a slight stammer tripping over his own words "it's one thing to chose for myself to stay down in this gloomy reality, but to do it for others..."

"Gloomy?" Jack shot his eyes up looking a bit offended.

"Well there aren't many widows, are there?" Ianto pointed out the obvious.

Jack looked around and agreed with a shrug of his shoulders but then he lay back in his chair lifting his feet to his desk.

"What exactly are you saying Ianto?" he had his undivided attention.

"Sure they were in bad shape tonight, but we all have bad days, maybe I denied them... a better life" he offered carefully "that doesn't feel like a victory to be congratulated."

"So you pinned it on me" Jack joined tips of his fingers and watched them thoughtfully.

"I didn't mean it..." Ianto trailed off lost for words. It was true, he just didn't want to be one to blame. "I'm sorry, I panicked." He resigned. Jack watched him for a moment over his fingers and then flashed him with a smile, but somehow it felt hollow.

"You sure did that a lot tonight" he sighed and threw his feet off the table with a thump "but you preformed perfectly and there is no shame in what you did. But I understand I don't want them to understand too much what had happened, the human mind is a fragile thing." He went back to writing his report. Ianto didn't move.

"Ok, what does that mean?" Ianto finally spoke up when it became apparent Jack wasn't going to say anything else. "How do you live with these kinds of decisions every day, not knowing if it was the right choice?"

Jack only lifted his gaze shooting at him through his eyebrows, looking serious. Ianto thought he'd just send him away to do his thing, cleaning or something else.

"Because I have to" he said evenly with a strain in his voice "there is no other choice for me, but to do what I see is right. Of course I think I've got it wrong sometimes, but that makes us question and be more careful next time, besides, there is one thing on my side."

"What is that?" Ianto encouraged him when he paused; Jack looked away looking towards the wall.

"I don't know the future, I just don't know, so I can act freely. Only when you know the future you're a slave to it. That is the reason I keep myself on the side lines; here I'm free to make a choice, the right or wrong one. That's how we live, knowing we did what we believed to be true, that is the only freedom that has any meaning." Jack's gaze fell to the desk surface looking at nothing. Ianto approached a step closer and put his fingers to the surface an inch away from Jack's hand, Jack didn't move but that was ok, he was here, they weren't sent off to find some unknown life.

"So I can say to myself that the other life would have been very, very rubbish, something so foul that Weevils, Blow Fish with guns and tentacle creatures look like mannequins for sportswear." He offered lightly and after short surprise Jack burst into laughter.

"You do that magnificently Ianto" he said with a grin that wasn't hollow "yes, you can say that to yourself."

Ianto nodded and went for the door. Just as he reached the corner Jack's voice stopped him.

"Because it's not far from the truth" Jack's voice was quiet "tonight wasn't a bad day for them, this would be the good one. Tosh would have ended up making a ritual suicide, Owen would find he had lost his licence for killing someone on the table during his drunkenness, Gwen would grow into a bitter and angry woman. You see, trick is with those other lives, they aren't designed to your actions, they aren't made to serve the one that was kicked out of this life, but to make mayhem and to hurt, and even when those lives aren't terrible ones, like Gwen would get, something very ordinary, there is always the feeling of missing out on something, something that is lost never to be returned, and that is a horrible way to live a life. So you did good Ianto."

There was a deep and sharp end to his words and Ianto didn't dare to look back, he just turned his profile to Jack, seeing him on the edge of his vision.

"And me? What would be my horrible end?" Ianto's voice came out almost as a whisper, he wanted to know. There was a pause, like Jack is deciding something.

"No horrible end for you Ianto" he said gently "you would do just fine in that other life."

"Why?" Ianto turned around with a frown confused "what is different about me?"

"You know how to survive" Jack answered calmly "it's that simple, you would just take that life and make it your own, and put aside anything that you might be lacking because you're used to that, to lacking, aren't you Ianto?" Ianto felt his anger rising up again, there was a trap inside those words but he just couldn't pinpoint it and that made him mad. Jack searched his eyes and he smiled sadly like he knew it wasn't enough, he continued with a sigh, like it pained him to do so. "That's why I had to let you make your choice, to take the burden of deciding, because I couldn't bare such weight, to take that normal life away from you."

"So you could..." Ianto trailed off.

"If I saw that you would have ended horribly too, I would have just taken your hand and forced it down, one more death with electricity wouldn't mean much to me at this point." He said simply and waited. Ianto clenched his fists and went towards Jack suppressing his voice from shouting.

"How could you do that Jack? I could have given in to those images, it felt so real, I could have doomed them all too awful lives just to get some... fake life, manufactured memories, Tosh could have died because of it. How could you let me chose that?"

"Because I don't know the future Ianto" Jack said with a bitter smile looking down "for all I know you could all die tomorrow, all dissected, pinned down in pain and agony, we all could burn alive, end up hating everything we did because world changed on us and we ended up like bad guys. I just don't know if this better or worse than things I've seen through the trickster, I just know this is our choice, we brought ourselves here, and that is more than enough for me."

Ianto backed away a step feeling how Jack's world view took hold of him, it was a terrifying place to stand, like he was on a roof top looking down at the pathways of their lives, did it look like that for him all the time, it seemed overwhelming.

"You really would have let me pick that other life?" It was more astonished statement than a question, he got used to seeing Jack as the one who would always made a decision, the one who knew where to turn rather than stand aside while others chose.

"It seemed like a pleasant enough life, it's a win and lose ratio I could live with; sometimes you just have to cut your losses."

Ianto pursued his lips and put his hands back to his pockets. If he let them he wasn't sure would he punch Jack or hug him, probably both.

"I wouldn't make a habit of believing passing bug aliens stuck in a small ball" Ianto said "it seems like they don't have windows in there, it messes with your mind, windows are nice, you get a lot from looking through windows." With that he retreated walking backwards, Jack frowned with an uncertain smile.

"Sound advice" he said seriously. "Is that an invitation for something fun against the window?"

"Best one" nodded Ianto "maybe, if you behave, I believe I was angry at you for something" Ianto pondered "and according to Tosh it was before the wave began, so..."

"You could refresh my memory later on" Jack's smile became lascivious and just as Ianto prepared something to say about refreshing when he bumped into Gwen as she came around the corner.

"Ianto honey" she said "watch your step."

"Sorry" he mumbled and hurried out. He straightened his suit deciding that everything worked out fine in the end and that's all that mattered. He was still there, and Tosh, Owen and Gwen were themselves too so he'd do what Jack suggested; he'd call it a win. Besides there was nothing to be sorry about, whatever Jack saw in that other life he couldn't see behind Ianto's perfect front, there are different levels of misery and satisfaction. In this stage of his life he called himself satisfied with work, life... and sex, in that glimpse of another life he would look fine and act like he should have, but there would be always be a crack behind it, he would always feel that everything was just plain wrong, that those around him weren't the ones he really learned to care about.

Advice: This is a safe place to stop and recuperate before the next stage begins.